"Hey there," I said, sliding in next to him, "you waiting for someone?"
"Yeah this girl," he smiled and winked at me, "she's pretty amazing."
"That's too bad." I frowned. He took my hand and wrapped his fingers around mine.
We sat there for a few moments, just reveling in the silence. I leaned my head against his shoulder and I felt my heart skip a beat. Thinking that that was what love felt like, I convinced myself that I loved him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, despite my doubts. I felt myself beginning to work up the courage when he broke the silence.
"Emma?"
I lifted my head in order to look into his dreamy blue eyes.
"I-I-I think I love you," he stammered
I felt the tears begin to prick my eyes; it was the moment I had dreamed of. I finally had found someone to love me for me, and I immediately loved him back for it.
"That didn't come out right," he stuttered, "what I meant to say was that I've never felt this way about anyone before. I've never been in love before but I'm pretty sure that's what I feel for you."
I couldn't ruin it by crying, but I knew I had to say something.
"Me too," I choked, "I mean, I love you too."
He lifted his hand and softly caressed my cheek before brushing his lips against mine. I responded, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him into me. I needed him like I needed air and I needed it now.
"Could we go somewhere more private?" I whispered with a deep breath. "Like your place?" As eager as I was, I was still aware that a bench in Central Park was not an entirely appropriate location for me to release many, many months of pent up sexual frustration.
He quickly nodded grabbing my hand before I had time to change my mind. We had waited months for this, and neither of us was about to let the opportunity slide.
We had all we could do to make it into his apartment before we were clawing at each other's clothes. He pinned me against the wall. I knew I had reached my limits in terms of sexual tension and, judging by the way Bradley was kissing me, he felt the same. But in that moment it was a little too extreme for me. I broke the seal our mouths had formed and pulled back from him. I mean, this was a pivotal point in our relationship, not the makings of a porno.
"Easy there, slow down," I pleaded, "I'm not going anywhere."
"Sorry," he panted, "it's just… I've been waiting for this moment since I met you."
He leaned down and nuzzled into my neck. His lips grazed my skin, setting it on fire. At the contact, I lost control of my thoughts and decided to just go with it.
I squinted as the Sunday morning light shone through the windows and landed on my face. I took a deep breath and inhaled the crisp smell of clean sheets…and him. I watched Bradley's chest rise and fall rhythmically while he slept. I kissed his nose and he smiled without opening his eyes.
"Morning," his eyes fluttered open taking me into his arms. He squeezed against my body as he stretched his own. "Now this I could get used to."
"Used to what?" I asked.
"This," he said stroking my hair, "waking up next to you."
I smiled. "It is nice, isn't it?"
"Beyond nice." He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down on me. "So, what do you think?"
I scrunched up my face in confusion. "About?"
"Waking up here, you know, like every morning," he stuttered nervously.
It was cute when he was nervous. I knew where he was trying to go with this, but I wanted to make him sweat. "Are you trying to ask me something Bradley?"
"Yes I am Emma," he blushed knowing I was teasing him, "will you please move in with me?"
"Gee, I don't know," I joked, "it seems a little too fast for me."
He gently nudged me in the ribs.
I sat up and my eyes met his. "Of course I will! Besides, it will finally get my family off my back." I giggled when he rolled his eyes and kissed me.
"I love you Emma."
"I love you too."
I was elated but, in amongst the excitement, I couldn't shake the dread. It felt peculiar to me, because in that precious moment, I should have felt nothing but happiness. Instead, I felt a pang of guilt knowing that with the opening of this next door in my life I was going to be closing another; and leaving my boys behind.
I fretted all day thinking about breaking the news. Telling them was going to suck, but I also had to figure out the mortgage situation. Bradley suggested that I just keep paying my monthly portion of the mortgage on the condo; he figured it would be good for my credit rating. He said he would take care of the rent at his place, it didn't matter to him since he was already living there by himself but I couldn't see us doing that forever. So I contacted my mortgage broker to get some advice. He informed me that it would be the guys' responsibility to come up with the cash to buy out my share. The thought of asking Tyler to come up with that kind of money made me sick, so I just decided to keep making my payment.
I decided to tell the guys after buttering them up. I would have cooked for them if I knew how, but I decided it would be better for all of us if I just ordered their favorite takeout and did the dishes after. I set up the dining room table as best I could, and waited for them to arrive home from their nightly jog. I couldn't help the smile from spreading across my face as I heard them razzing each other in the hallway. I sure was going to miss them.
"Em?" Rob called out from the entryway.
"In here!"
They turned around the corner and I swear their faces lit up like they had won the lottery.
"You cooked!" Tyler joked.
"Yeah right, very funny! It's El Cantana," I stated holding up the takeout bag.
"Nice," Rob said as they all took a seat at the table.
Shane followed behind them, seemingly still angry over our spat two days ago. I hadn't seen him since. I knew I needed to talk to him, but it would have to wait. I had bigger fish to fry at that moment.
We ate and talked, like it had always been. We talked about our jobs and Rob told stories about his normal city escapades. Shane started to pick up the dishes.
"I'll get those," I said from my chair, "sit down for a second."
Shane sat. He looked gaunt and tortured, and his mouth formed into a straight tensed line. I made a mental note to take him to O'Malley's soon.
"I've got something I want to talk to you guys about."
The friendly banter and casual conversation stopped. It got uncomfortably silent, and I got abnormally nervous. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It seemed as though I was letting everyone down. It was what I wanted…right?
Of course, Rob was the one to break the silence, "Are you pregnant?" he questioned.
I chuckled. "Gosh no! But there are going to be some changes because..."
Before I could deliver the news Shane finished my sentence, just like he had so many times before.
"You're moving out," he said bluntly, maintaining his focus on the table.
Everyone but Shane looked toward me.
I had nothing to say, so I just nodded my head slightly as a single tear ran down my cheek.
"Really?" Tyler asked obviously needing more confirmation.
I forced a smile but felt another tear roll down my face.
"With Bradley?" Rob questioned even though he knew the answer.
I nodded again, trying to force a smile through the tears. The room fell silent again and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. It felt as though everyone's heart was breaking. We had discussed this before and we all knew that there would eventually come a time when one of us would move out to be with the right person.
"I'll keep paying my portion of the mortgage," I choked.
"We don't care about that Em," Rob said.
For the first time since I was a little girl, I felt alone. Once again I was an outsider. The tears streamed down my face faster now. I noticed Rob and Tyler share a secret glance across the table, talking without words like they a
lways did. Shane kept his head down, apparently studying the grain of the wood. After what seemed like an eternity, it was Tyler who finally stood up and grabbed me, pulling me into his chest in a typical Tyler bear hug.
"We sure are going to miss you around here Em," he said with my face buried into his chest.
It was silent in the dining room while I sobbed into Tyler's shirt. Moments passed and I eventually came up for air looking around the room for more hugs. I tried to not be hurt when I noticed that Shane and Rob had already left the room. It stung more than I had expected it to; I thought I meant more to them than that. Tyler sensed my hurt and pulled me in closer.
"This is hard on all of us Em," he started, "they just need some time to adjust."
I could barely see where I was going as Rob quickly guided me down the hallway to his room. The pooling tears stung my eyes, and my hands pulled at my hair while he quickly shut the door behind us. I collapsed onto his bed and threw my face into my hands, defeat finally taking over my body. This was it, the beginning of the end.
I felt Rob's hand squeeze my shoulder.
"Buddy," he pleaded, "you alright?"
I looked up at him. "I've totally fucked this up, haven't I?"
"It's understandable. Hell, Tyler and I haven't been much help to you either. It's a shitty situation; damned if you do and damned if you don't."
I sat there in silence, thinking about the mess that I had made. I'd waited too long, and now it was too late. But most importantly she was moving on, without me. Gone were the days of dance parties, poker nights, and Movie Night Madness. Emma would no longer be just down the hall.
The thing that hurt the most though was that I knew how this would play out. We'd start off making a point to meet up once a month, and then the visits would get less and less frequent until finally we stopped talking all together. Emma would no longer be a part of my life; only my past.
I shook my head and looked over to Rob. "I guess I've got to figure out how to get my shit together. You got any ideas?"
"Ideas?! You're kidding me right? I'm the king of ideas!" He stood up and opened the door. "Go get your pretty face ready, we're having a boys' night!"
An hour later Tyler, Rob and myself were out the door hitting the streets of the city. You may think I'm a heartless bastard right about now; my best friend, whom I secretly loved, had just told me she was moving out and I responded in the typical male way of dealing with things by ignoring it. I thought she would be feeling it too but as we walked out the door she was curled up on the couch with her boyfriend watching a movie so I'm guessing-as far as she was concerned-all was right in her world. And that was my motivation.
"So where are we going tonight?" I questioned once we hit the streets.
"Sports Tavern," Rob answered, "it's five cent wing and two dollar draft night."
I thanked Tyler and Rob. They didn't have to ask for what, because they knew it was for everything. They had listened to me bitch and moan way more than they should have. I promised myself that now that Emma had made things perfectly clear, I would be a better friend to hang around; there would be no more pining and whining.
We walked into the Tavern and it was packed. College kids were crowded around tables talking loudly over the music. We squeezed in finding three seats at the bar.
Before our order of beer and wings even came out we were surrounded by a group of young girls-probably in their early twenties-all of them smoking hot.
"So, like, do you guys come here often?" asked Blondie #1.
I rolled my eyes at Tyler, who chuckled to himself.
"When we're not busy with work," Rob answered.
"What do you do for work?" Blondie #2 questioned.
"I'm a sports announcer," Tyler replied, "and they're both lawyers."
"Nice," said Blondie #3, her interest clearly piqued. "Can we buy you guys a drink?"
"Well, we're kind of having a..." I started to attempt to put them off, but Rob kicked me under the bar.
"Sure," Rob interjected. "How about some shots?"
"I love shots!" said Blondie #1.
Blondie #2 motioned for the bartender. "We'll take six slippery nipples."
These girls were definitely on the prowl. I knew I needed to take a step off my soapbox and start living again and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. Emma had decided what direction her life was going; it was time I did the same.
I threw my arm around Blondie #2's neck.
"I love slippery nipples," I whispered. And just like that, I recovered the Casanova persona that I had abandoned so many months ago.
It was close to 2 a.m. when we stumbled into the condo with all three blondes in tow. It had been a good night for the boys and I. We hadn't pulled girls like this since college, and it felt good to know we still had it.
The girls giggled as we searched for drinks and glasses in the kitchen. Tyler dropped a glass on the kitchen floor, cussing as it shattered.
A door flew open upstairs, immediately followed by lights being snapped on. We froze as we realized that Emma must have been home. We had assumed that she would have gone to Bradley's. Shit.
She appeared at the top of the stairs wearing her sweats, her blonde hair a mess piled on top of her head. I clenched my jaw, because-as fucked up as it sounds-in that moment I hated her and I hated that I loved her. I hated that she couldn't see it, but mostly I hated that she didn't love me too.
"What the fuck are you guys doing?" she asked, placing her hands on her hips, obviously annoyed.
I jumped at the opportunity to argue with her, "Just having a little fun Emma. What's it to you?"
At this point everyone-including our guests-became very uncomfortable. You could feel the tension in the room. The blondes were confused, and I assumed they thought she was the girlfriend of one of us. They started to gather their things in an attempt to leave before things escalated.
I kept my eyes locked on Emma's and in my drunken state I wanted to make her hurt like she hurt me. "No," I said to the girls. I was determined to make a point. "Stay."
They froze.
"I live here," she steamed, "that's what it is to me."
"You don't live here anymore," I seethed, "so don't act like you care about what's going on."
As I watched the hurt wash across her face, I knew my mission had been accomplished. I knew I was wrong, but it was too late now. Tyler flew past me up the stairs, flanking Emma's side. He placed his hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her. He stared at me, silently letting me know that I had gone too far.
"I may not live here anymore," she began shrugging Tyler's hand away, "but I will always care about you guys. But if you want to act like a bunch of idiots with these three bimbos, go ahead."
I tore my eyes from her; unable to watch her hurting any longer. "That's exactly what I want to do," I lied.
"Fine," she choked running her fingers under her eyes. "Can you at least keep it down?"
I watched helplessly as she stormed away. I had been a dumbass and probably put the final nail in my coffin, but I refused to let it keep me down. So, I put on a brave face and turned around.
"Now ladies, how about those drinks?"
Once I closed the door to my room the tears started streaming down my face. What had happened back there? Shane and I were never the ones to fight-in fact I don't really remember ever having words like that. Shane's face had been filled with hatred as he spat those harsh words at me. Lately, it seemed like all we did was disagree.
Sure, I had been spending a lot of time with Bradley the last few months and perhaps I had let our friendship fall a bit to the wayside, but I did not deserve to be treated like that.
I walked across my room and climbed back into my bed when there was a knock on the door. Obviously Shane had realized he had been an ass-yet again-and was coming to apologize.
"Go away Shane!" I called. "I'm done hearing your weak ass apologies."
"It's Tyler."
Oddly enough,
even though I really didn't want to speak to Shane at the moment, I was disappointed that it wasn't him.
"You can come in Ty," I said quickly wiping my face clean with my sheets.
The door opened slightly and Tyler crept into the room; obviously he didn't want the asshole downstairs to know he was talking to me.
"Come to attempt to patch things up for your boy?" I mocked.
"No, he's made his bed," Tyler said as he sat with a thud on the edge of my bed, "and now he can lie in it."
I felt the lump in my throat return. "What did I do Tyler?" I struggled to speak.
"You didn't do anything Em," he said bending down to kiss my forehead. "Shane's just going through some shit and it doesn't help that he's drunk."
"He used to talk to me about stuff," I sniffed, "not use me as his human punching bag."
"Well," Tyler said standing up, "you haven't exactly been available lately."
"Why can't he just be happy for me?" I asked.
Tyler stopped at the door. He seemed deep in thought; as if trying to think of the right way to answer.
"That's really all he wants Em," he said while turning the doorknob. "He just wants for you to be happy."
My defenses shot up, "And I am."
"I really hope so Em," he answered, closing the door behind him as he left the room.
And with that I was alone again.
Why did it feel like I was stuck in the middle? Couldn't I be happy with Bradley and still maintain my relationships with the only friends I had ever known? I was determined to be able to have the best of both worlds and I wasn't about to let either one slip through my fingers.
"That's the last one I guess." My voice echoed through the empty room as I handed Tyler the box. I glanced around at the vast emptiness; I hadn't seen the condo like this in years. It reminded me of the day we moved in. We spent the entire day lugging boxes, to the point where we passed out on the floor of the living room, never really regaining motivation. I'm pretty sure we lived that entire first week sleeping amongst a sea of boxes.
I wiped a tear from my eye. I was thrilled beyond belief that I was finally getting everything I wanted; I was going to start a life with the man of my dreams. At the same time I felt hurt and abandoned during a time that should have been filled with excitement and congratulations.
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