“Lauren.”
“Yeah, sure. Just let’s get out of here, please.” Lauren took her hand as they left the office, and only let go for a moment to lock after them. “It’s no big deal. They offered me a job down there, but there’s too much going on right here at the moment. I have to call him back though.”
“What kind of job?” Part of Summer was glad Lauren had no intention of packing up. Maybe she should let sleeping dogs lie, so to speak, but she was curious. No one had mentioned the offer, Lauren, or any of her family at the party.
Lauren sighed. “Vice president. Before you say anything…”
“Wait.” Summer felt as if she was staggering on her ridiculously high heels. Of course, she felt the impact more than it was actually visible. “Why do you want to turn him down?”
They had reached the car, and sat inside. Lauren waited a moment, before she turned the key in the ignition.
“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “I love my job here, the people I work with. Besides, Atlanta…it’s just too far from everything I care about. It would mean I’d have to take a flight every Friday and Sunday. I don’t even want to think about it.”
Her mind had been calm and clear minutes ago, now Summer found it hard to sort out the sudden chaos this news brought. It wasn’t like she’d known Lauren for that long, but she obviously cared about her career, had worked hard to get where she was and even further. How could she so casually dismiss it? Summer gave herself the answer. It was partly her own fault. Because Lauren didn’t want to leave her…or did she have a too high opinion of herself? Then there was the twinge of guilt. She felt like a horrible person for the brief thought that Lauren would be crazy not to take this chance when she had no obligations tying her down here at home. Not that anyone was doing that to Summer, tying her down. She had made her own choices, to make a life here in her hometown, best she could. Lauren had to be aware of that. That was why she hadn’t asked Summer to come with her to Atlanta. She knew it was impossible.
“Wow,” was all she could say.
“Like I said,” Lauren insisted. “It’s no big deal. Forget about it.” She turned on the radio as if to mark the end of the conversation.
It wasn’t over for Summer.
Lauren opened the bottle after all, pouring two glasses for them in the kitchen. Summer didn’t feel like either of them was much in the mood for celebrating anymore. Not only was Lauren missing an opportunity, she might not be considered for another one, all because of—
They sat down in the living room. No matter how sexy and desirable she’d felt earlier in her outfit geared towards a very specific purpose, it seemed awkward now. They’d had sex less than an hour after they’d first exchanged a few polite words. There had been an easy connection between them from the start. Everything had changed in a heartbeat. Lauren’s casual decision had triggered something in her, something Summer wasn’t quite sure she understood.
“Should I run a bath?” Lauren asked calmly.
Summer wanted to cry. “Yes, sure.”
She hadn’t known how chilled she was until she leaned back into Lauren’s arms in the hot water. The outside temperature was only partly responsible.
“You’re trembling,” Lauren whispered into her hair. “I guess it’s my turn to ask if everything’s okay?”
“Why are you not taking the job?”
“Really? I told you.”
“Is it because of me?” Summer had only seen Lauren being kind and cautious so far, but she expected her to tell her any moment to get over herself, and maybe Summer needed that.
The time Lauren needed to come up with an answer was telling.
“Maybe a little,” she finally said. “Okay, a lot, but I swear, I thought this through. I want to be at the heart of a project, not on the sidelines. I wouldn’t be able to do a lot of designing…and the money is not all to think about.”
“How can you say money is not important? You never know what could happen.” Summer was unhappy to detect the bitter tone to her voice, but she couldn’t help it. “I imagine it’s not just a couple of hundred bucks more. I can’t…You can’t miss this because of me.”
“I didn’t say money isn’t important, but I don’t need more than I have. If I accept, I’d have to go live in Atlanta. I don’t want to leave you.” Lauren sounded like she was on the verge of tears. “I had hoped you’d be happier about it.” She didn’t wait for an answer. “Whatever. I’m tired. Why don’t we sleep on this and talk tomorrow?”
Summer had little choice but to agree.
She lay awake long into the night, suspecting that Lauren wasn’t sleeping either. She didn’t want to start another conversation, not now, because it would inevitably gravitate towards the one subject that had been on her mind since she’d learned about it. Of course she was happy, so thrilled Lauren even saw her as a factor to weigh into her decision. That didn’t mean it was wise to do so. Lauren might be all right with staying now, but what if in a few months, she wasn’t? Would she resent Summer for it? Given that possibility, did they have a future at all?
Summer couldn’t burn all bridges and go to Atlanta, that was out of the question. Lauren had said it, if she accepted, she’d move, give up the apartment here. She wasn’t interested in a long distance relationship, and Summer didn’t blame her. She couldn’t imagine that a relationship could function like that either, cramming dates, being a couple, into short weekends.
What if they tried?
For a moment, Summer allowed herself the fantasy. She could move in, take care of the apartment while Lauren was gone, pay some of the rent. It would only be a temporary solution though, and the VP position was not. From there, it was only one step up, unless Lauren wanted to start her own firm at some point. Those were imaginary prospects—the offer for VP was not.
It seemed like it wasn’t Lauren who had a tough decision to make, but Summer, and what was one more? She felt the warm wetness of tears on her face. Tomorrow, they’d be gone, and she could make her case in a calm and collected manner.
* * * *
Lauren was already down in the kitchen when Summer woke. She put on some clothes quickly and went downstairs where Lauren handed her a mug of coffee.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
Polite strangers, Summer thought. That had happened fast. She couldn’t help the feeling it was mostly her fault, and her obligation to make it better. Somehow.
“I’ve been thinking,” she began.
Lauren’s smile was warm, hopeful. “Me too.”
“Those days we had together…I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life. I…” Her voice trembled, with what she wanted to say and couldn’t. “It means more to me than I could ever say. You’re an amazing person. You deserve to be happy.”
“Don’t you think we both do?”
It was nothing Summer wanted to think about too hard at this moment. “This job, it will change everything for you, and there shouldn’t be anything standing in your way. I think it’s time we take a break.” She almost regretted her words when Lauren’s face fell, even though she believed, knew, that this was the right way to go.
“Taking a break, am I understanding this correctly, is it code for breaking up? Yesterday, you were ready to move in with me.” There was a mix of emotions underneath Lauren’s cool tone too.
“Yesterday I didn’t know about the offer. It’s for you, Lauren! I don’t want you to be unhappy in a few years because you didn’t take that chance. This is how it works in life. You say no once, you’ll be stuck.”
“Funny, I can’t remember asking you to make that decision for me. Is that how you’re feeling now, stuck? Then I’m sorry, and maybe you’re right about a ‘break’.”
“I need to go.” Summer got up to stand in front of Lauren, then leaned into her for a brief moment. Lauren indulged her, wrapping her arms around her, but not for long.
“I don’t understand you,” she said, her frustrati
on audible. “I told you I’m not interested in the job. I’m happy where I am.”
“What if that changes, and you regret your decision?” Summer challenged her.
Lauren shook her head. “I can’t believe this. What does it take? After all this, you still don’t believe me? I won’t regret my decision. I want to stay here, keep this job, be with you. I want to marry you.”
Summer stared at her in shock. Marry?
“I guess it was a little foolish to believe we could do that,” Lauren said coolly, misinterpreting her reaction. “I’m sorry. I never meant to…trap you or anything.”
“No, no, that’s not what I—”
“Please. I need to go to work too.”
“Can I call you?” Summer asked, anxious all of a sudden. There was a stark difference between knowing you were doing the right thing, and making it feel right. Maybe she wasn’t done explaining, to Lauren, to herself.
“I’d like a little time,” Lauren said. “Okay? You made your point pretty clear.”
It was Summer’s cue to leave, and with the word “marry” still echoing in her mind, she knew she was walking away from a lot more than a conversation. She had to. Someday, Lauren would be grateful. Summer would go back to the life she knew. It wasn’t until she stood down on the pavement she realized that her car wasn’t here, but at home. At least she could change back into the comfortable shoes she’d worn on her way to Lauren’s office. Other changes would be harder. Damn it. Why did it always fall to her to do the responsible adult thing?
* * * *
Lauren wanted to be angry at Summer. She was certain that if she got there, she’d stop feeling like a complete fool, like her life was falling apart when in fact, she’d been given the chance of a lifetime.
She’d been ready to put love over career and money, and this is where she’d ended up. Love. What a silly thing to think, a shared home, marriage—Summer’s shell-shocked expression had told her everything. Lauren understood, now, a lot more than Summer might imagine. Back away from someone you care about, before they have a chance to hurt you, intentionally or not. She had been naïve to think she could make a difference.
Or maybe Summer hadn’t been into it all along, and a break from her everyday life was all she had needed. If that was the case, no wonder the idea of marriage freaked her out.
Lauren pushed the sheet of paper that had caused her so much trouble out of the way. It would do her no good to snap at the company’s president. She’d call him later.
Maryse didn’t comment on her stormy mood, and neither did anyone else, although they had obviously noticed. At nine-thirty, Maryse set a coffee and a pastry in front of her. Lauren gave her a grateful smile.
“Thanks,” she said, picking up the paper cup. “You can have that. I’m not hungry.”
“Do you want me to ask?”
“Only if you ever fucked up a subtle marriage proposal.” The harsh choice of words seemed fitting.
Maryse winced. “I’m so sorry. I thought Atlanta was off the table?”
Lauren stared at the note with resentment. “I thought so too, but the way things are now…I don’t know. If they still want me, I might go. Nothing like a fresh start when you got it all wrong.”
“Are you sure? I thought you had a great time together.”
“Yeah.” Lauren made a face at no one in particular. “Apparently, you need more than that to get someone to marry you. It’s fine. I’ll be single again with a lot of money to spend.” She sighed. “I don’t know. I wanted to build my own house here.”
“Make that call. See what your options are, and go from there.” Maryse shrugged. “You could always beg her on your knees.”
Lauren picked up the phone, shaking her head. “I am blessed to have such good friends who never hesitate to share advice. Get out of here now.”
* * * *
Summer had stared at her phone for the past five minutes, the dimension of her decisions, her statements, starting to catch up with her. She’d survive, right? It wasn’t the first time a relationship ended because she wasn’t as flexible as most people her age, to say yes on a whim, to a new opportunity in life, like marriage. She’d never meant to hurt Lauren. She’d never meant to hurt herself this way—she hadn’t even known she’d be able to fall this hard for someone she’d met only weeks ago. She couldn’t marry her and move in with her just because she dreaded being alone again, when she knew it meant Lauren was missing the chance of a lifetime.
They’d move on, each on their own.
Summer called the secretary to tell her she was sick and would have to cancel her classes for today. It wasn’t a complete lie.
* * * *
It couldn’t end like that. Lauren refused to believe that the lucky coincidence that brought them together in the first place, meant nothing at all. She’d gotten ahead of herself with the marriage proposal, and maybe that had scared Summer. She was dealing with many obligations already, no wonder the idea of yet another one was something not taken lightly.
Lauren was going to show her that she wasn’t taking their relationship lightly either. After work, she drove by Summer’s apartment. Summer’s voice sounded weary over the intercom.
“I thought we’d said everything.”
“Well, I wasn’t done. Can I come in?” Lauren made sure to keep her voice calm and level. There was no point in raising voices because she was scared of the outcome of this conversation. The sound of the buzzer was a small victory, and she stepped into the hallway and walked up the stairs to Summer’s front door. Summer stood leaning against the doorframe, an apologetic look on her face. She was wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Lauren was aware this wasn’t a moment to admire her, but she couldn’t help it. Why couldn’t Summer see how good they were together, in the bedroom and beyond?
“Hey,” she said. “I was hoping we could talk some more.”
Her talk with the president had actually been pleasant. He had suggested she’d come down to Atlanta for a few days, get an impression of her possible future workplace, and go from there. The offer had taken Lauren by surprise, and she hadn’t turned him down right away as she’d planned to.
Summer stepped aside to let her in, the resignation on her face daunting. “What else is there to talk about?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to understand. I agree this is no easy situation, but regardless, can’t we speak to each other anymore? Is that really what you had envisioned?”
Summer’s shrug told her she didn’t know either.
“Come on, people do it all the time. I’ve thought about this. I’m not really after this job, but if I were to take it, you could move into my place, and I could come home as often as possible. Not every weekend, but this is what phones and the internet are for. Again, all of this is kind of moot, because I’m not crazy about the job. Either way, we don’t have to break up over it.”
“You do want it, you just think you won’t.”
“That’s not true.”
“Whatever quick fix we try now, you’d get tired of it—and of me,” Summer said, her matter-of-fact delivery killing Lauren’s best arguments.
She stared at her in disbelief. “Why would you think that?”
“It happened before. Can’t you see?” Her eyes were welling up. “This is such a great opportunity for you, and you should take full advantage of it, not worry about me, or anything, for that matter. I’ll be fine.”
Lauren shook her head, her frustration making it hard to come up with any more logical points.
“That doesn’t make any sense at all. You don’t even want to give us a chance.” She was dangerously close to raising her voice now. Why choose to go down the most painful path when they had other options?
“It’s impossible,” Summer insisted. “I want to be with you, but I don’t see how we can make that happen in the long run. Don’t you think it’s better to remember the time we had together, instead of watching it fade away because we’re too far apart? That would only
hurt more.”
“You cannot decide this for both of us,” Lauren said. She was struck by the depth of Summer’s fears, but unfortunately, she had no idea how to handle them when she had to accept that this conversation was slipping away from her.
“You’re going to see I was right. Please, don’t hate me.”
“Oh my God, I don’t hate you! Why do you think I’m here?”
Lost for words, she pulled Summer into an embrace, wishing she could convince her by holding on tightly enough. Then she let her go and turned to leave. There was no point in going around in circles any longer.
Chapter Six
Lauren pinned the plane ticket to the board in the kitchen, taking a step backwards to study it, trying to make herself believe this was real. It wasn’t a definite decision by any means—she’d stay for a few days and meet with all the important players, the retiring VP Shriver, the president himself and with the local group.
Even though she tried to make herself believe there was still a way out, she knew barring any unforeseen complications, she’d take the job. Marriage equality was the law of the land—it was of little relevance to her at the moment, because unlike Summer, she didn’t think she was going to meet someone new anytime soon. She didn’t want to.
The only thing she’d heard from Summer all week was a text message that said,
“I’m sorry if I hurt you, but this is for the better. I wish you all the best. S.”
“Yeah, you too,” Lauren said out loud. She hadn’t told any of her family about the news. She wasn’t looking forward to it either, so she had opted to skip the next family dinner. She wasn’t in the mood for answering questions, least of all Ethan’s.
Maybe a change of pace and setting wouldn’t be so bad, and she’d finally say goodbye to some long held illusions of hers. Marriage wasn’t for everyone, which wasn’t just a matter of being gay or straight. Maybe it wasn’t for her.
* * * *
The last time she’d been here, the sky had been an impressive mix of bright blue patches and clouds gathering. How appropriate this was, Summer thought, the storm coming.
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