I was stock-still until he gave me a little shove into the classroom. Looking over my shoulder, I saw him grinning as he backed away.
First period was a blur. I took notes and went through the motions but didn’t absorb a word of what was said. I just kept thinking about Logan’s lips on my head. Even through the barrier of my hair, I knew how gentle they were. How gentle he always was with me.
When the bell rang, I walked to my next class on auto-pilot. I dropped into my seat next to Adam and gave him a quick smile.
“Cooper, huh?” Adam toed the side of my foot to get my attention.
“What?” I looked up at him.
“You and Logan Cooper. That’s what everyone’s talking about.” He wore a smirk that told me he knew I was caught off guard.
“What are people saying? We’re just friends.” We can only be friends.
“You’re not into him?” He seemed genuinely surprised. As if it wasn’t possible for me to not fall over myself to be with Logan. “Why not?”
I didn’t even know how to answer that. I was totally into Logan but attempting any kind of relationship was too risky. Jesse would never allow it and it would just cause more problems at home. I couldn’t do it.
“He’s really nice but he’s a senior and I’m not really looking for anything right now. He’s just a friend.” Even to my ears, the words sounded like a lie. When I imagined what my first boyfriend would be like, he didn’t even compare to Logan. Logan was so far out of my league that it was silly for me to even justify why nothing would ever happen. His ex was captain of the cheerleading squad. Guys like him did not get serious with girls like me.
“You just keep telling yourself that.” I knew Adam was just teasing me but his words were true. I wanted to believe there was nothing between us but all of his actions since he first saw me proved otherwise. And I couldn’t get him out of my head. I shifted my attention to the front of the room while his words bounced around in my mind.
~**~
“Ohmygod, tell me it’s true!” Kim barreled into me as soon as I rounded the corner to my locker.
“What?” I was digging in my bag for a Luna bar.
“Logan kissed you?” She was speaking much too loudly for such an obnoxious statement.
“Shh.” I grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to the wall. “Why are you screaming? He didn’t kiss me. He just pecked my head. It’s not a big deal.” She gave me her signature “whatever” look then stepped back, pulling her arm free.
“Ouch.” I felt his heat against my back before I registered his words. “I guess I’ll have to make it more exciting for you next time.”
Oh god. “I didn’t mean it like that.” I kept my back to him as I started walking again.
He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side, walking next to me. “What did you mean?”
“Just that—” What did I mean? I had no idea. “Just that she was making a scene and... Well, I didn’t think you’d want rumors spreading.”
“You’re wrong there. I do want that rumor to spread.” His voice was low and deep, the warmth against my ear made a shiver run down my spine.
“You do?”
When my eyes met his, there was an intensity that made me want to melt right on the spot. His hunter green eyes were almost black as he slid his palm up to my neck and gently pulled me to him.
Logan leaned forward and placed a feather-light kiss on my lips. He wasn’t aggressive or rough. He just held me for a few seconds before pulling back and placing another soft kiss on the tip of my nose. “I want everyone to know I’m interested.”
When I didn’t respond, he laughed, tugging me into a tight embrace. “Breathe, Liz. I don’t want you passing out on me.”
I took in a deep, shuddering breath and nodded into his chest. Logan Cooper just kissed me.
After stopping by my locker, we met up with his friends at the front of the school.
Kim had a knowing grin on her face the entire time but didn’t ask me any more questions. We didn’t have any privacy and she knew better than to get serious with other people around.
Logan stood behind me with his arms around my waist in a very possessive stance. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that he was claiming me. Well, no one’s mind but mine.
“Can I take you out tonight?” Logan leaned closer to my ear.
“I would say yes but I have to go home for the weekend.” I didn’t want to go home ever again if I could spend time with Logan instead.
“That’s okay. I’ll drive you home after.” He dragged both palms up my arms, leaving a trail of heat behind. Every time he touched me, I felt it in my belly. It was completely foreign but totally amazing.
“That’s okay. Thanks, though.” I wondered if he thought I was just super shy or a bitch. I felt like both but I usually wasn’t either.
“Are you seriously telling me you’d rather ride the bus home than get a ride with me?” He turned me around so I was facing him. He wasn’t whispering anymore.
“It’s not that.” I didn’t want to lie to him or hurt his feelings but I couldn’t tell him the truth.
“Then what is it?” He did look hurt, like when he thought I lied about my name. Damn.
“My stepdad is really strict and I’m not allowed to have friends over. He wouldn’t like it if I got a ride.” It sounded stupid but I couldn’t come up with anything better. And, it wasn’t a lie. It was just an understatement. A serious understatement.
“I won’t get you into trouble. I’ll drop you off down the street.”
As I desperately tried to think of a better excuse, the bell rang and Kim and Austin joined us.
“Ready for français, Liz?” I give Austin a grateful smile for changing the subject.
“No, but a few more minutes won’t help. Let’s go,” I said dryly.
So much for an easy Friday. I spent the rest of the day thinking of reasons to keep Logan away from my house. It all came to a head during lunch when he said he wasn’t taking no for an answer. I got up from the table we were eating at and walked away. He didn’t let me get far before grabbing me by the waist and pulling me into his chest. Once he realized I was serious, he promised to back off...for now.
Chapter Seven
Cake Batter and Brownies
When I walked in the door at eight o’clock, Mom shoved Macy into my arms and brushed past me out the door. “I’ll be back in a while. They’ve both eaten.”
“Hello to you too,” I muttered as the screen door slammed shut behind her.
“Bethy, you’re back! I have a book report that we need to do. Look! It’s for a chapter book.” Billy shook a worksheet with instructions for a project in front of my face.
“Hey, buddy. Gimme a sec to put my stuff down and then we’ll see what you need to do.” I placed Macy on her feet and quickly put my bags in my room. Once I was settled, Billy was back with a book and his worksheet.
“Can we do it tonight? I want to be the first person to finish.” His eager eyes were always my weakness. I couldn’t deny him anything.
“Tonight? I guess. When is it due?” It was only the third day of school for him too. I read the instructions and saw he had a month to complete the project.
“I don’t know but I don’t want to be late.”
“We’ll start now but we have plenty of time. I promise you won’t be late. I still need to eat dinner.” I gave him a big hug and pulled him into my lap. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too. I wish you were here yesterday.” The sadness in his voice broke my heart.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.” I didn’t want to know but I had to ask. “Where’s your daddy?”
His dark eyes filled with tears. “The police came and took him.”
“Why? What happened?” I was glad I didn’t get this story over the phone. Seeing with my own eyes that the people I cared most about were safe was the only thing keeping me from freaking out.
“Daddy and
Mommy were fighting and the police came.”
I guess the neighbors were getting tired of hearing it. That probably meant we’d be moving soon. Once the neighbors stopped looking the other way, it was time to leave.
The doorbell rang as we finished the first chapter of Billy’s latest Goosebumps book.
“Keep reading,” I told him while I got up to answer the door.
I was pleasantly surprised to see Riley standing there. He’s one of Jesse’s customers but he’s really cool. He was one of the younger and better looking people that came to our door. Riley was twenty and worked as a personal trainer for the gym at the mall. I thought it was ironic that a personal trainer bought pot on a weekly basis but it wasn’t any of my business. I just liked looking at his ripped muscles. He had a shaved head that looked really good on him.
“Hey, sweetheart. How’s my favorite girl?” He opened the screen and came in, giving me a big hug before looking around the room. “Your dad home?”
I gave him a dirty look but held my tongue. He knew Jesse wasn’t my dad but liked to mess with me. If Billy wasn’t listening to our conversation, I would have laid into him.
“He’s gone for a few days but should be back by Monday.”
Riley lifted one brow and I nodded. Everyone knew what “gone for a few days” meant. With Jesse, it was either rehab or jail...and it was almost never rehab. That only happened when his mom wasn’t able to get him completely off the hook and the court ordered some kind of drug or alcohol treatment.
“What about your mom?” He looked around the room again, probably expecting her to walk down the hall at any moment.
“Yeah, she can help you but she’s gone right now. Wanna come back later or tomorrow?” I really liked Riley but he was still there for one reason only.
“Okay. I’ll go grab dinner then come back. Can I get you guys anything?” He looked over at Macy and Billy on the floor. “Have you eaten yet?”
“Yeah, we ate already. Thanks, though.” I opened the screen door for Riley when Billy decided to open his mouth.
“You did not eat yet. You just said so.”
I glanced back at Riley as my face began to burn. The only thing worse than lying was getting caught in a lie.
Riley stepped up to me, reaching out to grab my hand. “You know you can call me if you need anything. I know things get crazy here sometimes but I’ll always come if you need me.”
I nodded as my eyes filled with tears. There were so few people that I felt would actually come if we needed them. “Thanks, Riley. I’m fine but I appreciate the offer.”
He squeezed my hand then walked out the door. The serious moment was over when he threw his leg over the motorcycle parked just outside our front door.
“Tell Ang her future son-in-law will be back later, sweetheart.” He winked as he slipped his helmet on.
~**~
It was almost midnight as Mom and I sat at the kitchen table talking. I was trying to sketch a banana for art class and was failing miserably. It had an embarrassingly phallic undertone that I couldn’t get past. I eventually put the banana away and reached for a metal train instead. Still long and hard but at least it looked like a toy.
Mom was weighing and bagging her ‘inventory.’ She normally didn’t like any of us around when she was working with the pot but since she hadn’t had time to talk to me privately in so long, she didn’t tell me to leave the room when she pulled out the big duffle bag that Jesse kept his ‘work’ in. She even let me separate seeds while we chatted.
“You know I would leave if I could.” This was her standard argument. It wasn’t even worth discussing anymore. “I just can’t. We have nowhere to go and he’d find us. If I tried to leave, he’d kill me. You know that.”
She spoke about her potential death as if she was talking about the weather. I hated her sometimes. I always loved her but I truly hated her in moments like that.
“You can leave but you choose not to. I don’t know what you’re waiting for.” Even though I actually did know. So far, she’d been able to forgive everything he ever did to her or to us. She was waiting for him to do something unforgivable. Unfortunately, that would be way too late for one of us.
She looked around as she spoke as if someone was going to jump out from behind the couch. “I need to tell you something but you have to promise not to freak out.”
Shit. That could only mean one of a few things. I didn’t want to even guess which.
“What?” My body froze as I grated out the word. I knew in my gut what she was going to say and I wanted to beat some sense into her. I had a brief moment of kinship with Jesse, as sick as that sounds.
“I’m pregnant,” she whispered, not meeting my gaze. She was fiddling with an empty ziploc bag.
“God, Mom! What’s wrong with you?” I stood up and paced the kitchen. “You can’t even take care of the kids you have now. You are not having another baby. You can’t!”
“I know. I don’t want to but once I start showing, Jesse won’t let me do anything about it.”
“Fuck, Jesse.” I never swore in front of my mom but I couldn’t control myself. I was almost as mad as the last time she told me she was pregnant. “He doesn’t support you. I support you and the government supports you but he doesn’t do shit. He won’t even buy diapers for the kids he has now.”
“Baby, please calm down. I don’t want to wake up the baby.” She tried to whisper as if Macy and Billy weren’t used to sleeping through shouting matches...or worse.
“You aren’t having this baby. We can go to the clinic tomorrow. I’ll go with you. Please, Mom, don’t do this. You can’t handle another baby. I can’t handle another baby.”
I sat down at the table and begged her to be reasonable. By two am, I was fairly certain she would go through with an abortion. I hated that she had to do it but I would have felt much worse letting her bring another child into that house of hell.
~**~
I woke up early on Saturday morning and Mom was locked in the bathroom. Macy was crying outside the door so I picked her up and got her some cereal. I waited almost an hour for Mom to come out before I started to get worried. When Billy came out and needed to pee, I knocked on the bathroom door.
“Mom, are you okay?” I could her wheezing but she didn’t respond. “Mom, open the door.”
The toilet flushed and the shower turned on so I told Billy to go pee in the backyard. You would have thought I told him we were going to Disneyland by the way his eyes lit up.
“Really?”
“Yeah, just hurry up.”
When I heard the back door slam, I grabbed the key that Jesse kept above the doorsill so no one could ever truly have privacy and I opened the door.
I almost threw up when I saw all the blood smeared on the toilet and the floor. I quickly shut the door behind me so Macy wouldn’t wander in.
“Mom, what happened? Are you okay?”
Through the light yellow shower curtain, I could see that she was sitting on the floor of the tub. She didn’t answer so I pulled back the curtain to make sure she was conscious. Her arms were wrapped around her knees and the water ran pink around her. She looked at me through her tears and said, “I lost it.”
She didn’t need to say anything more. I kneeled down and pulled her to my chest. The warm water pelted us as she cried into my shoulder.
“I’m sorry but you know it was for the best. You can’t let this happen again.”
She nodded but didn’t speak.
“Do you need to go to the doctor? Do they have to do anything else?” I didn’t know much about miscarriages but it seemed like a doctor should be involved.
“I don’t think so. This has happened before. It was early enough that I think everything came out.” Her voice was barely a whisper between her sobs.
I felt queasy but didn’t move. I had to wonder if she forced it to happen or if it was just a coincidence that she miscarried right after our discussion. Either way, it didn’t matter
anymore.
I let her cry until she couldn’t cry anymore. I even let a few of my own tears fall. Tears for the babies that she lost. And tears for the babies that she had. Life wasn’t fair to any of us.
~**~
Logan called around noon. I almost didn’t answer but I desperately wanted to hear his voice.
“Hi,” I answered on the third ring.
“Hey, beautiful. Are you okay?” Even though he sounded concerned, his voice still made me smile.
“Yeah, of course. How are you?” I could just listen to him talk all day.
“I miss you. I wanted to see if we could go to the movies or something.”
I wanted to say no but I really didn’t have a good reason not to see him. Jesse would never know and Mom would be okay for a few hours. She was already up and cleaning the house. Fortunately for us, she recovered quickly from most things. That, or she was just really good at hiding her pain.
“Okay.”
“Really?” He laughed, probably shocked that I actually agreed. “Can I pick you up?”
“Um, can we just meet somewhere? Maybe at two?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.” I could hear his disappointment but he didn’t make a big deal of it. “Meet me at Cold Stone and we’ll share a sundae while we pick a movie.”
An ice cream date. He was definitely a man after my own heart.
“A small sundae!” I smiled. It felt so good to be a normal teenager, doing normal things. I could keep up the charade for a little longer.
I changed into jeans and a light sweater and took off. Mom said she would take the kids to the park so I didn’t feel guilty about leaving for a few hours.
As I walked inside the ice cream shop, I saw Logan sitting at a table. He was on his phone so I quietly slipped into the chair across from him. He smiled at me and reached for my hand with his free one. I couldn’t help but smile as he gently squeezed it.
“If you need to go to the doctor, just ask my dad. He’ll take you. If not, then, I dunno, eat some crackers and take a nap or something.” He sounded more annoyed than concerned but I couldn’t help but worry about whoever he was talking to.
“Yeah, but I’ll have my phone off for a few hours so I’m not your best bet.” He pulled my hand to his mouth and kissed it.
Safer Outside (A Mature YA Romance) (The Outside Series) Page 5