Her heart sank. The portrait was paid for by K.C.? Kate would never be able to look at it in the same way. And her mother had let K.C. do it. Why? Hadn't she realized that the man was still in love with her?
"Why didn't Mom tell him to go?" Kate asked. "Did she know he thought he was my father?"
"She was too softhearted. That's why she let him stay."
"I don't believe it was just that." Perhaps her mother had still felt some love for K.C., some unwillingness to completely break the tie.
"She told him a bunch of times that you weren't his kid, but it wasn't until she was on her deathbed that he finally believed her."
It made sense. Because he'd never been on their side after that.
"That was it for him," Duncan added. "He'd thought he'd have something of Nora after she died, but he wouldn't. You weren't his. You were mine. It broke him. That's why he went after us during the race. He was always in our faces, always trying to bend the rules."
K.C. or her father? Kate asked herself. Sometimes she didn't know who had bent the rules more. It was hard to remember.
"I'm not lying about this, Katie."
She wanted to believe him. But as she'd told Tyler earlier, Duncan had a way of making everyone believe his lies, including himself.
"We can't let him win, Katie." Duncan's voice once again held desperation. "This is probably our last chance. If he even lets us have this chance."
"What does that mean?" She stared at her father in dismay. "What else aren't you telling me?"
"There's a slim chance K.C. knows something."
"About the storm?"
"He's made some comments. I don't know if he's fishing, or if he remembers. I want to race him, Katie. I want you and your sisters to help me. Our family will take back what's ours, making damn sure that K.C. doesn't end up with anything McKenna. Your mother would have wanted it this way. She wanted you to help me keep the family together. Didn't you promise her just that?"
Kate wanted to tell him to go to hell. That it wasn't fair to put this on her. But, on the other hand, she really hated the idea of K.C. sailing their boat. And she hated the thought of him winning their portrait even more.
Now that she realized there had been something between K.C. and her mother, it made all of his other actions -- the presents, the friendly pretense -- that much more sickening. He'd had a hidden agenda the whole time he was acting like a family friend. He'd waited for Duncan to screw up, maybe even tried to help that along, so he could steal Nora back.
Still, race again? It was an impossible thought. She couldn't go back on the water. She couldn't face the other sailors, the boats, the crowds, the wind. She couldn't put herself out like that, couldn't expose herself to that world again. She knew what men could do in the heat of a race. She knew what she could do.
"I can't," she told him. "I want to move forward, not backward."
"It won't ever be over, not until we take back the Moon Dancer."
"We made a promise., Dad."
Duncan looked her straight in the eye. "I can't keep it."
Her heart sank. "Well, I can."
"Racing is who I am. I'm starving, thirsting, dying for it. Please, I'm begging you. Talk to your sisters, Katie. Together, we can take back what we lost. We won't be free of the past until we do. Say yes."
"I can't."
"Think about it. Don't say no now," he pleaded.
She doubted she'd be able to think of anything else.
* * *
She should have stayed at Mike's, Caroline thought, as she faced herself in the bathroom mirror. She didn't want to be alone in her apartment. She didn't want quiet or time to think. Nor did she want to have to look at herself. But she was drawn to the mirror as if it were a car wreck, one she couldn't pass by without turning her head to see the damage. And there was considerable damage.
Her mascara was no longer on her lashes but under her eyes, giving her the appearance of a prizefighter. Her lipstick was long gone. Her hair lay in sweaty strands on her head. She looked as if she'd spent the night having sex and taking drugs, which was no doubt the conclusion Kate had drawn when she'd found her in Mike's bed.
It hurt to know that Kate's opinion of her had only gotten lower. But it was going to get worse, much worse.
Closing her eyes, Caroline took a deep breath. Her head was pounding so hard it was making her sick to her stomach. She'd made a big mistake last night, and it had begun with that one stupid, reckless drink when her father had told her she was a jinx and a klutz and basically not good for much of anything. Damn him. He'd pushed just the right buttons. He'd made her feel bad about herself, insecure, unworthy, the way he'd done so many times before.
She opened her eyes and stared defiantly at the mirror. She was just as good as him, just as good as Kate, just as good as anyone ... well, maybe not this morning. Maybe this morning she was only as good as her father, who probably felt as bad as she did.
Bending over, she splashed cold water on her face. Rubbing her cheeks ruthlessly on a terry cloth towel got rid of the rest of her makeup, and the stinging sensation made her feel better. She walked out of the bathroom and stood in the middle of her bedroom, still wearing her low-rise blue jeans and black tank top. She needed to change, to go to work. She didn't feel like doing either.
How would she get through the next five minutes, much less the next few hours? There was so much going on in her head. So many things she wanted ... no, needed. The craving started deep in her soul, an itch that couldn't be scratched. She had to do something to stop it. Before she could move, the doorbell rang, followed by a pounding knock and a loud voice that belonged to her oldest sister.
"Would you shut up already?" Caroline snapped as she opened the door. "I'm here. What do you want?"
"I want to come in." Kate walked into the apartment, shutting the door behind her. "I want you to tell me what's going on with you and Mike."
"It's none of your business."
"I'm making it my business."
Caroline flopped down on her secondhand couch. "I'm not in the mood for a lecture."
"I don't care if you're in the mood. Tell me what's going on."
"Nothing."
"Caroline Marie McKenna, you are going to talk to me. I'm not leaving until you do." Kate sat down on the other end of the couch, folding her arms in front of her chest. Caroline knew that stubborn look well. But she preferred this look to one of disappointment, disgust, and embarrassment, which were exactly the expressions she'd see as soon as she told Kate what was really going on.
"I'm an adult, Kate. I can see who I want."
"I don't care how old you are. I'm your sister, and I won't stand by and let you make a huge mistake."
"The mistake was made a long time ago."
"Caroline, I love you. But I'm worried and scared. I love you. I know this guy is up to no good, even if you can't see it."
"Because he has a snake tattoo and wears an earring?"
"No, because he has a criminal record and a history of drunken brawls. I want more for you. I won't apologize for interfering. You need someone to give you a good kick in the butt. And if I have to be the one, I will do it."
"You're so strong," Caroline said wearily. "Where do you get that from? Dad or Mom? Or maybe both of them? Maybe you got everything, and there just wasn't enough to go around for Ashley and me."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about why I never measure up. Why I can't seem to do the right thing. Why I need someone to swoop in and rescue me."
"We all need that at times."
"You never do."
"I've had my share of weak moments, Caroline. You know that better than anyone. You were there for most of them." Kate paused, letting her words remind Caroline of all they'd been through together. "I know something's wrong. I won't leave here until I find out what it is."
"I don't know where to start."
"Start with Mike."
"I've told you a dozen
times that Mike is just a friend, and that's what he is -- a friend." As she finished speaking, her stomach rebelled once again, the nausea overwhelming this time. She ran into the bathroom and threw up until she was shaking. Dimly, she was aware of Kate handing her a towel and helping her into the bedroom and into bed.
"Do you want anything? Do you want me to call Dr. Becker?" Kate asked.
"I don't need a pediatrician. I'm grown up," Caroline grumbled.
"He's a family doctor. Maybe you have the flu."
"I don't have the flu, Kate."
"You can't be sure."
"I'm sure."
"Caroline, I don't want to argue, but --"
"Then don't." Caroline put up her hand. "I'm not sick, at least not in the way you think. Don't You get it? Isn't it clear?"
"Oh, my God! You're not pregnant, are you?"
"No, I'm not pregnant," Caroline said in exasperation.
"Then what?"
"I'm an alcoholic, Kate. Your baby sister is a drunk."
Chapter Eighteen
Your baby sister is a drunk.
Kate couldn't believe the words ringing through her head. Yet the evidence was right in front of her. In fact, faced with the actual words, she wondered why she hadn't seen it earlier. Or had she?
"I think I've left you speechless for the first time in your life," Caroline said.
"I knew you drank, but I didn't think ... I mean, you're not like ...”
"Like Dad? He's an alcoholic, too, you know."
Kate sat down on the end of the bed, feeling very tired. Of course she knew their father was an alcoholic. She'd known that for years. But Caroline? She was so young. So full of life. Had all that life and energy come from an endless supply of liquor?
"I'm trying to stop drinking," Caroline continued. "Mike is helping me. He's not my boyfriend. He's my sponsor, the person I can call when I'm feeling desperate. Most people don't realize he's been sober for more than a year because of Alcoholics Anonymous. He took me to my first meeting a few weeks ago. I was doing really good ... until last night." She punched the pillow up under her head.
"What happened last night?"
"I went to see Dad at the Oyster Bar. I thought I could handle being in there for a few minutes, but he put a drink down in front of me. I wasn't even going to taste it until..."
"Until what?" Kate prodded. "What did Dad say to you?'
There was a bitter pain in Caroline's eyes when she looked back at her. "He told me he didn't want me to sail with him unless you came along to watch out for me. Apparently I'm a huge jinx."
"That's ridiculous. You're not a jinx. And he'd be lucky to have you."
"He doesn't think so. I don't know why I keep trying. I'm never going to be good enough. I'm never going to be you."
Kate frowned as Caroline slid down in the bed, pulling the covers up over her head the way she used to do when she was a little girl and the world got too scary. The memories suddenly swamped Kate: Caroline curled up just like this in her bedroom in the middle of the day, the day their mom had died. Kate had come into the room to tell her, because her father couldn't do it, and Ashley was too distraught to speak.
Then there were all those times on the boat when it got too much for Caroline, when slipping under the covers and escaping seemed to be the only way out. Sometimes Kate had wanted to do the very same thing. But someone had to be there to pull the covers back, and that someone was her.
She did it now, pulling the blanket off Caroline's head and smoothing down her sister's hair with a loving gesture. "It's going to be all right, Caroline. We'll get through this. I'm going to take care of you."
"You can't make this better," Caroline said dully. "I can't even seem to make it better."
"You should have told me about the drinking."
Caroline looked at her with a truth in her eyes. "You knew, Kate."
Kate began shaking her head. "I didn't think ... " But hadn't she sometimes worried about Caroline's drinking, her smoking, her need to let loose? Hadn't those worries started years ago? It all seemed so clear now.
"Last night was the first time I drank in almost a month. I know it's not much, but Mike says I just have to try again, start over from today."
Kate suddenly realized how wrong she had been about Mike. "That's where you were going on the ferry the other day."
"To an AA meeting." Caroline nodded.
"I still don't understand how you came to tell Mike."
"Remember when I told you I ran my car into a ditch on Hawkins Road because a dog ran out in front of me? There was no dog. I was drunk. Mike found me. He told me if I didn't get my act together, I would kill myself. But he didn't have to tell me that, Kate, because I already knew. That accident scared the hell out of me. I didn't realize how out of control everything had gotten. I could have hurt someone else, too."
"The bruises on your arm, were they from the accident?"
Caroline smiled at that. "No, that was just me tripping down the stairs and banging my arm into the door, just like I told you." Her smile faded. "Maybe Dad is right. Maybe I am a klutz."
Kate barely registered the explanation. She was still reeling with the reality of Caroline's drinking. Caroline had almost killed herself driving drunk into a tree. It was awful, beyond awful. She should have realized. She was the big sister. She was supposed to take care of things.
"Don't blame yourself," Caroline said. "I can see it in your eyes. You're feeling guilty."
"How can I not?"
"Because it's not your fault. It's mine. I'm the one who started drinking. I'm the one who has to stop. I let Dad get to me last night. He insisted on putting a beer in front of me, and, once I drank that, it was easy to keep going. I went over to Jake's later and downed a few more shots of tequila. Mike found me there and took me back to his boat, I was in no condition to go any farther. He didn't take advantage of me. He really has been a friend. But I feel like shit today with a god-awful hangover. It must be the result of a few weeks of clean living, because I haven't felt this bad in years."
"I'm glad you had someone to take care of you. I just wish you would have confided in me." Kate stood up and paced restlessly around the room. "I thought we were moving on, getting by, forgetting," she muttered, a thousand thoughts running through her mind so quickly they collided with one another. "But you were drinking, Dad was drinking, and Ashley was taking anxiety medication for panic attacks. I did this to us."
"No, you didn't."
"It was me. It was all me. Every last bit of it. I'm not keeping us together the way I promised Mom. I'm killing us off slowly but surely."
"Why is my drinking your fault?"
"Because it is."
"Doesn't that sound a little egotistical?"
Kate heard the words, but she ignored them. It didn't matter what Caroline said, whether or not she tried to take the blame. Maybe Kate hadn't forced Caroline to take a drink, but she'd given Caroline, Ashley, and even her father the need to find a way to escape.
Summer Secrets Page 28