by JA Huss
"You want to go down this road, Junco?" He knocks me to the ground with one forceful shove and then stands over me, raging. Everything about him is rage. "You want ta fight me?"
I pick myself up and brush the dust off my pants while Tier backs off a few paces.
"I asked you a question."
My silence pisses him off even more, but what can he do? He asked me a question so he either has to wait for my response or make a move. If he makes a move, he's lost ground. If he waits, he hands me the advantage.
I've played this game before.
"I'm not playing, Junco."
"Oh, yes you are. You're playing all right. Because you don't get to tell me off for sleeping with Kush and choosing Gideon and then leave me to find out from Lucan that you knew Isten was gonna die!"
His back straightens with my accusation. Which means it's true.
I turn away so he can't see the glaze of tears covering my eyes. "I hate you."
He exhales.
"I hate you. And the whole Isten thing is only the beginning, Tier." The threat of tears is over now, so I turn back. "I mean, that's bad enough, but you're the one who sent me down this path in the first place. You gave me wings and you let her take them away. All of this. Everything that's happening to me is your fault!"
I've stunned him. I can see it. He was not expecting this.
"Why didn't you just kill me? Why? Why did you turn me into this thing?"
The muscles twitch in his face as he narrows his eyes at me. His words come out slow and calm. "Why didn't you just kill me? I could say the same thing to you, Junco. Why did you save me?"
I choose to ignore that. "You knew Isten would die, you knew and still, you let me twine with him." I wait for him to give me something but he remains silent so I just keep going. "Everyone in my life has left me. Every single person took off. My mother, my Gideon, my father, my Aren, my Charlie. Each one disappeared just as I got comfortable. Wiped away."
Everything about me aches as the words come out.
"And then you give me this gift. This perfect gift of a man who wants to live in my mind and be with me forever and all he wants in return is for me to do the same. And against my better judgment, I said yes. Because I wanted what he had to give, so bad."
He cringes at the words that I pulled straight from his mouth that day on Gideon's terrace.
"And you told me that we had to be together, that this bond we were forming was the secret of a successful mission on Earth."
"Junco—"
"No." I cut him off. "Just don't. OK? Because that mission, in my eyes, was a complete fucking failure! But you guys all got what you wanted, right? You got all my Siblings, you got your perfect gene pool back, you got your promotion." The word is dripping with disgust. "You have a lot of nice new powers now, Tier. You get to have them all, right? But you don't have to pay the price, right? That's what everyone was pissed off about back on Amelia. Why the fuck should you get all those motherfucking powers and not have to pay the same price as the rest of us?"
"That's not how it is, Junco."
"That is the most pathetic attempt at a lie I've ever heard. Pathetic!" My scream echoes off the walls of a nearby rock formation. "That's exactly how it is, Tier." I take a deep breath and watch his face. I'm not sure what it's saying, but it's not saying anything I want to know. "And now I'm so far away from being human, so far away from the girl I was born to be, I'll never get back. And I'm gonna stew in this anger and insanity for eternity because I get to be cast out into infinity, blowing in a galactic wind for billions of years until all my pieces miraculously float back together under the goddamn laws of physics!"
"I'm trying my best to stop that, Junco. That's the whole reason we're—"
"Liar!" I let out a small choke of a sob as the tears build again. "You're a liar. You're doing this for Lucan. He's your master, you are the closest thing to a God's piece of property that ever existed. Right, Aquila? That's who you are, right? You're nothing but Jupiter's stupid property."
He waits for me to continue but I'm done for now. I walk back over to my rock and sit down. I'm tired. I'm just so fucking tired.
"Junco, I understand that's how it looks but yer missing the obvious, darlin'."
"Fuck you. If you say that stupid line about Alcor I'll port away and never come back. I'll dissipate myself if I have to hear that stupid analogy one more time. I'm not blind! I see the goddamn full moon!"
His look says I'm insane. I am insane, I've totally lost it. Shit, he might not even know what I'm talking about, I never heard him say that Alcor stuff before. That was Isten and Lucan.
"Isten knew he was gonna die, Juncs. He knew that either way he was not coming back from Earth. And he wanted ya. He begged me for weeks on Earth before I even met you. It was my fault his twine was killed. I let Iliana in, I trusted her so I couldn't say no."
I keep silent and let him talk.
"He said he'd be with you after, that you'd keep him in your head as memories. He told me what it was like to have Tanner, that it was comforting."
I snort at this. "Comforting? No. Painful, it was very fucking painful." I stop and rub my eyes as the hurt comes back. "It hurt. There isn't even a word to describe how bad it hurt, Tier."
He kneels down in front of me, his hands on my shoulders. "But it's better now? You have him and it's better now?"
He's pleading with me to tell him yes, it's better.
"No, I don't have him. So the pain is gone but so are the memories. I have nothing. He's gone! I have nothing!"
"What do ya mean? He can't be gone, where—"
"HOUSE has him, I left Sargassum to go get HOUSE, and well, to see John Hando too, but he's fucking married now and has kids and everything!"
I do cry now, an ugly cry complete with sobs and chokes and gasps for breath. I'm crying for my mistake with Hand in front of Tier. That is so wrong but I can't stop. I've fucked up every single good thing in my life. "I should've never left Dallas that weekend. He took me up to the Sagitta Arrow building to look at the stars. He took me to the stars and even though everything was coming apart, I didn't come apart. I was pulled back together that night. He pulled me back together inside that giant building that points to the stars."
I look up but he has no idea what I'm talking about, so I just wipe my eyes and keep going. "He said he'd get me out of the RR and we'd go to the Desert Republic for a while, lie low until his dad smoothed things over with my dad, who was not even my dad by that time, and he said he'd take care of me. And you know what, Tier?"
The sobs come again as Tier waits patiently.
"He would've too. He would never have asked me to save his race or sacrifice my humanity for anyone. He would've hidden me away in some little hole-in-the-wall reservation house and let me get fat and happy with kids." I breathe out. "I made a mistake. I said I'd be back before he could even miss me."
I stop to swallow down the pain and his green eyes search me.
"Did ya go back, Juncs?"
"No, I never even got a chance to leave properly. I was on the roof, ready to take my shot, and then Hando called and said we had to abort and—"
"Wait, what?"
"I was doing a job, ready to take my shot and go home with him forever—"
Tier looks so confused it makes me stop. I take a giant sniff and then continue. "I was a hit-girl for the Texican mafia my entire senior year of cadets," I say, as if that explains everything. "Hand is the company heir."
He bellows out laughter.
"What?"
"You're pining over a gangster? You're talking shit to me for being Lucan's Angel of Death, yet you were gonna settle down and get fat and happy with a fucking common criminal?"
"Don't. Just don't."
"Just don't? Fuck that! I'm tired of tiptoeing around yer temper tantrums, ya got it? That's over. I'm gonna speak my mind from now on. Yer so tough, right? You can take it, right? So fuck you and your don't."
Well, fuck him righ
t back because I fling myself right out of this conversation.
Chapter Forty-Two
Something goes wrong and I feel a jerk, like someone is pulling me back through the tunnel. I gasp and try to break free, seeking a way out of the time shift, and then I crash into the ground once again.
Only this time I am not alone.
"You think I'd what, Junco? Just let you fuck up everything I've build over the past two years because you have some goddess complex?"
Ashur grabs my arm with some kind of super-strength and pulls me to my feet. The blood vessels under my skin are immediately crushed and I know there's a massive bruise on my upper arm from his fingers.
"Where the fuck is Selia?" His growl comes out so low the adrenaline bursts into my bloodstream with the threat. He shakes me and his grip takes on a whole new level of pain.
"Let go!" I squirm but he's not letting go—he's very much not letting go.
"I'm going to ask you one more time, Junco, and then I'm gonna beat the shit out of you if ya don't answer. You're immortal, but you're not immune to pain."
I want, seriously want, to talk back to him right now. But he scares me.
"Where is Selia?"
I swallow and give him his answer. "That Caleb guy took her."
I'm crashing into the ground before I can even register he's moved. Something tells me that all those fights we had before were nothing but play to him. He stands over me, his legs straddling my body, and his words come out as a hiss. "Took her where? For what purpose?"
Oh. Fuck.
"I'm not gonna ask you again, Junco. Took her where and for what purpose?"
"Ashur, I just need—" I try to get up, but he kicks me back to the ground. "I just need you to be reasonable and listen to me, OK?"
I swallow hard again as he waits, silent.
"We left the hotel and ported—"
"You mean you stole her from the hotel and ported, right?"
"Right." I nod. I'm not gonna argue with him. "We ported to the desert and she was all pissed off telling me how she wanted to spend the night with you, and—"
"That won't work on me, Junco. Either you get to the point right now," he pulls me up in a rush of pain, "or I'll show you how far over my line you've crossed."
"And then the MR troops came, or someone came, I'm not clear on that. They had—"
He shakes me to stop my babbling.
"And she only saw the cloud of dust and she thought it was you." I stop and take a deep breath. "But it wasn't you."
His face drops the anger and picks up panic. "What. The. Fuck. Happened?"
"Ashur, I tried, I just want you to know I tried—"
He smacks me and I go flying.
"I asked you a question, now answer me. What happened to her?"
"They shot her, Ash. They sprayed her with rapid-fire! I tried to get her away but I tripped and by the time we ported she was—"
"What! She was what?"
I gulp some air. "Filled with holes. And so we ported again, twice, until we got to the desert again, and then I was sitting there praying for help and that Caleb guy appeared. He didn't say anything, he just took her and left me there."
His fist is flying at me and I frantically port to get away, but his fingers find my arm just before we go into the timeshift, and again, I am slammed into the ground with the force of his anger.
Ashur is breathing hard. "You suck at porting, Junco. I can find you no matter where you go. And if you think for a minute I'm not gonna square up this debt you have with me, you're mistaken."
I scramble to my feet as his razors come out and slash through the back of my Aves shirt, but I slip past and run.
It only takes a few fractions before he's got me by the ankles and I go down again. I squirm and wriggle to loosen his grip, I try out every single move I know on him, but he knows me too well. Better than I know myself, probably. I end up pinned to the desert floor, my head being painfully smashed against a small rock that I had the bad luck to land on.
He leans down into me, the sweat dripping off his face in the desert heat, his chest expanding and contracting with anger and effort, and I lie still.
"Ashur, please. I know it's my—" I stop when I see his fist coming at my face and brace for the impact.
It never connects. Instead Ashur is flying up in the air and Lucan is pulling me to my feet.
"Are you all right?" he asks, leaning down to look me over.
I nod, but my whole body is trembling. "Ashur was gonna kill me."
Lucan only nods. "Yes, and if you could die, you'd deserve that to be quite honest. But since you can't die," he stops to scowl at Ashur who is now next to him, still angry and breathing hard, "and we need you for the Seventh Pillar, it is an extremely stupid plan to dismember you today."
"Lucan," Ash starts.
But he's cut off with a wave of Lucan's hand. "Not now, Ashur. Selia has been delivered back to the ship. I suggest you concern yourself with that and leave this to Tier and me."
Ashur disappears as I look to my right and Tier is standing next to me. Lucan demands my attention with a shake of my arm. "A private moment, Tier. Please."
Tier doesn't even look at me, just throws his hands up and walks off. I watch him from behind, his shoulders slightly slumped, his head shaking, like he's talking himself out of something.
"Junco, look at me."
I force myself to look him in the eyes. They are red again, glowing, or maybe churning is a better word to describe what's happening to the color in his eyes. Churning like lava. Like Hell.
"What will it take to make you understand?"
I snort out a laugh. "What kind of question is that? I mean, a little bit of truth, obviously. Why don't you just admit that you've been using me, Lucan. Just fucking say it already. Because it's so painful—" I stop and choke on the word for a few seconds before I can pull myself back under control. When I'm ready to talk again I only have a weak little whisper. "It's so painful to know that that you're lying to me. That you all hate me, see me as this insane girl that you have to keep around so you can save yourselves."
I turn back to Tier. He's stopped walking and is facing us again. He waits with me. To see what Lucan will say to that.
What comes out is unexpected. "Did you know that I love sunsets, Junco?"
"What?"
"Sunsets, Earth sunsets specifically," he clarifies. "I love sunsets but I had to spend thousands of years without ever seeing a single one. Coming back to Earth and seeing my first sunset again after all that time… well, it was something fantastical. I felt alive again. Not the dead thing I turned into. The stoic leader of the avians. Not the Archer of Fledge or Aves."
My eyes are still fixed on Tier as I think about this.
"Look at me, Junco. Not just glance at me, but look at me. See me for what I am right now."
I turn back to him, studying his ancient armor. The black interlocking scales remind me of a reptile's skin. I've touched it before, of course, and the smoothness is like a bucket of paint or a vat full of melted chocolate. Something that begs to be touched. I reach out. They are so soft. I'm not sure how something that's supposed to protect you can be so soft.
Lucan stretches out his bat wing and it curls around his arm a little. I touch that now too and it makes him shiver.
"Sorry," I say, looking up at his eyes again. "I see you, Lucan."
"I'm sorry as well. I know we've been dishonest."
"Pffft. Dishonest? Please."
"We've lied, kept things from you on purpose, misled you. We're guilty. And I'm sorry, I have no excuse except to say that I don't understand you at all. I misjudged you at every turn. It's all my fault. If I could go back, I'd do it all differently. Which should prove to you that I never saw these things you accuse me of. I didn't, Junco. We all knew Isten would die, but that it would affect you like this? No. We never saw that, we do not understand you. Not what you really are, not where you come from, not why you were made. The only thing I
understand about you, Junco, is that you're capable of a great number of things. You are very powerful, you are a force. So it just never occurred to me that it would be so easy to break you. I did not see your end in Deliverance. Or how Kush would die. I knew Kush wouldn't make it out of the fight, but I never saw that end." He stops to search my face for some sort of comprehension, but I just swallow and look away. "You must believe me. Do you believe me?"
Do I believe him? No, not really.
"I'm not the Devil, Junco."
"I know that, Lucan. I really don't think you're the Devil but I'm not sure why you care what I think of you."
"I care because I see myself in you. I see your potential, your possibilities, and I'm worried that I'm sending you down the wrong path."
"What's this got to do with sunsets?"
He laughs softly and I look back over to Tier. He waits with me, still and quiet.
"When we had our first honest conversation, the one outside Fledge after you killed those boys, you lamented over the stars. Do you remember?"
I nod. "Yeah. I remember."
"And I thought about how I missed the sunsets on Earth. That's why I took you to see the stars that night. I wanted you to know that I understand. I really do. I have been you, Junco. I was forced to make choices when I was young and I stand by those choices to this day. I regret the price I've paid. I regret that Tier has to complete a job he wants nothing to do with. I regret that you are my saving grace and you'd rather be anything but that. I have a lot of regrets, but I am not unhappy. I am, in fact, very happy, all things considered. I never thought the Seven would be like you. I've imagined it millions of ways, but none of them even came close to what I got. I'm so glad you're my Seven, Junco. And I want you to know, above all else, that you're doing a pretty good job."
I laugh again. "Oh, crap. I hope that's not true, Lucan. I suck." It was meant to come out like a joke but the tears steal away any hope of pulling that off and suddenly they are streaming down my face.
"I know it hurts, Junco. I know you're tired. I know you have doubts and you think you're doing it all wrong. But you're doing just fine. Not perfect, but I can't expect you to comply with everything. That's not who you are. You can do it your way. I'm OK with that. I believe in you, Junco, so I will step back and stop interfering with your goals. I trust you. I know in my heart you will do the right thing in the end."