He smiled at me. “We were having an intervention for you not me. It seems I’m getting the best of it.”
He was trying to flatter me. I was having none of it. “I’m not crazy, and I don’t need an intervention. All Hell is about to break loose on this planet. All I’m doing is preparing. I don’t care what you think of it. I will prepare and plan up till the moment when I need to act.”
He sneered at me. “Dude, you’re talking about freaking Zombies.” He snorted.
I sneered back. “You think I’m being delusional. Fine. I really don’t give a shit. I’ll make you a deal. Give me a month. You see that I’m perfectly rational and sane. I’m not dangerous to living humans. If by the end of the month there are no Zombies sucking on your flesh, you can commit me. I’ll go quietly. I’ll need the rest by then.” I smiled at him gently.
I continued, “If on the other hand Zombies suddenly start coming to life, you come here with your children and we’ll get to work. You’re one of my closest friends despite your bitch of a wife. I’ll take care of your family, and you’ll take care of mine. Feel free to leave your wife behind if you like.” I smacked him on the arm. He flinched like a wimp.
He smiled. “Fine, you’re not a raving psychopath. You’re not on drugs. I looked at your urine tox screen. It was negative.”
He saw my annoyed grin at that and put up his hands to forestall me socking him in the jaw. My medical records should have been inaccessible to everyone but my own Doctor. I could have had him fired for that. I calmed down yet again.
He said, “You have a month. I owe it to you. I’ll gladly take care of you at the end of the month. Just don’t go doing anything crazy. I don’t want to regret not committing you involuntarily.”
I was very annoyed. But I did know he actually cared about me, otherwise he wouldn’t have given me this month. “I’m serious about all this. When the shit hits the fan, you need to move in here as soon as possible. I’m planning on hitting them hard. But I promise that I will not hurt any live humans. How’s that?”
I shook his hand. I had his agreement despite the fact that he didn’t believe a word I said. He dealt with liars and psychotics all day long and just assumed that I was one of them. I didn’t have a problem with that.
We went back inside where I saw our wives. His wife whispered in my wife Jen’s ear and then Rita giggled. My wife reddened. She didn’t like what she heard.
I turned to look at Jack and gave him a stern look. I saw him deliberately turn away. That pissed me off. I walked over to Rita and took her hand. “Can I speak to you a second?” She was shocked that I actually addressed her. She actually came with me. I led her to the front door opening it for her. She stepped through, and I closed the door behind her locking it. I was happy she was now gone.
I returned to the living room. I gave Jack a dirty look. I whispered ‘pussy’ to him just loud enough for him alone to hear. He looked away quickly. He really was a total wimp.
I smiled at my uninvited guests. “I’m officially straightening out my act. Jack set me straight.” I saw my wife was relieved. “I officially have one month to settle all my problems.” Her face dropped. I saw how disappointed she was. She knew I was playing them. I couldn’t care less. I was angry at her for arranging this.
I continued, seriously this time. “We’ve made a deal. I have until the end of the month. If at that time there are no Zombies, I’ll be heading into the loony bin.” I could tell Jack hated that word. “I’ll return everything I bought and we’ll start anew. If there are in fact Zombies...” I saw them all turn away. They all thought I was insane. “...you’ll all move in as quickly and as quietly as possible. We’ll be just fine here. We’re very prepared.”
Jack quickly interjected, “I think that’s perfectly fair. John is not dangerous.”
Jen spoke up, “Except to our bank accounts.” For a second I thought this had been about my mental health. I guess it wasn’t. I was very disappointed. So much for my marriage.
Jack said, “That is the least of our concerns. What matters is John’s mental health. I do believe he is wrong.” He looked at me. “We’re here for you buddy.”
I shook his hand. “Fantastic, I have one month. Then we can meet here for the straight jacketing. I’m sure I’ll need the rest by then.” We all heard the door bell. It made everyone laugh but Jack. He knew he was in deep shit.
I said, “Look on the bright side. What can Rita do? She already refuses to have sex with you. If she stops talking to you, you’ll be the happiest guy in the world.” I heard chuckles from around the room. Maybe everything was going to be fine. “Next time leave her at home.”
Jack reddened and walked back to open the door. Rita came in and was about to yell at me. She had her hands on her hips and was jutting out her plastic chest at me.
I spoke first. “Remember before you begin that I’m absolutely crazy and that I expect the Apocalypse. Is there anything you can say that can change this fact? Do you really think it’s a good idea to scream at a nut who doesn’t care?”
Her demeanor changed immediately. I saw a look of fear on her face. There was an ironclad rule in medicine, and she knew it. Never fuck with a crazy person. They’re way too unpredictable. She turned around and walked out.
I laughed and looked at Jack. “See, learn something about how you deal with assholes, Psychiatrist.”
He looked back and said angrily, “I’ve been dealing with you for years.” He smirked.
I didn’t think the guy had the guts. I let him have the last word. “Touché.”
I escorted them out and walked back in to talk to my wife. She was sitting on the couch looking out into space. She didn’t look at me.
I sat down next to her and put my arm around her. She was tempted to lean into me, but I soon felt her go rigid. Fine. If that’s how she wanted to be, I would reciprocate.
“I need you to stay calm for the next month. I promise I’m not crazy. Bad things are coming, and I’m just protecting the people I love. If I didn’t care about you, I would have just left and moved to the desert away from all people. I didn’t do that. I’m staying to fight for you.”
She looked at me. “You promise you still care about us? You wouldn’t hurt us?” She looked on the edge of madness herself. She was afraid of me. I was floored by that. I never wanted her to be afraid for any reason, and here she was scared to death of her own husband.
I calmed myself down before I spoke. “I promise that I would die for you guys. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to protect you. I swear. If I’m wrong, I’ll go willingly and take all the prescribed meds. Pinkie swear.” I jutted out my right pinkie.
She laughed, relieved. She kissed me hard. She went at me with everything she had. WOW, I never knew she could be so adamant about anything. She finished me off right there on the couch, kissed me, and went to bed. I ran after her and fell asleep for the next twelve hours. I was absolutely exhausted.
Chapter 2
I woke up the next morning feeling incredibly refreshed until I remembered I still had work to do. I groaned aloud at the thought. I jumped up out of bed, hit the shower, and then went downstairs just in time to see the men installing my hurricane shutters. They looked like they were almost done. I was elated at how dark it really was. I smiled broadly at the sight until I saw Jen. My wife was on the couch crying over her disturbed view. The Great Room was now almost completely dark as the shutters were all down, and she was sitting without any lights. I went to comfort her, and she responded by elbowing me in the ribs. She stormed upstairs.
I grabbed a Power Bar and went outside. The installers showed me the locking mechanism and how to enclose the home in its protective cocoon quickly. I was ecstatic at how effective it was. I gave him a big tip and went to offer him an explanation as to why I was installing these things on my home. He didn’t care. He went back to work and ignored me until he was finished. I was fine with that.
Everything was basically done on the house, bu
t I couldn’t become complacent. I needed more guns despite the thirty I bought at a county gun show. I needed more food, more ammo, more communication equipment, more chickens, more clothing, more building equipment, more vehicles, and more of everything. I started hitting every warehouse club I could think of and then driving to little mom and pop shops around the state. I maxed out every credit card I had.
And then I received an email from the CDC. Every doctor in the country did. There were mass outbreaks of Kuru, chronic wasting disease, severe viral induced behavioral abnormalities in Texas, California, and Arizona. I felt vindicated! I showed it to my wife ecstatically who walked away mumbling ‘asshole’ under her breath. Either she thought I couldn’t hear her, or she just didn’t care anymore. She really was bumming me out. Why couldn’t she just see?
It was time to make the phone calls. I called every person on my list that I thought was worthy of salvation. I told them of my compound. Surprisingly, they already knew. I guess the secret was out. Rather than be enthused about my success, they talked to me like I was a severely delayed child who finally managed to crap in a toilet. I didn’t expect the response I got.
I kept up the phone calls always explaining what I was doing. They already knew. They told me how great I was and to keep up the good work. The first time I heard it, I was pleased. After the seventh time, I started getting pissed. Their response to me was obviously coordinated. They were humoring me.
I invited all of them to come and stay with us. I received noncommittal grunts in reply with a pseudo promise to come and visit soon. They didn’t care. I started getting sad about losing them as friends and hoped they would not die too painfully. I decided not to dwell on their responses. It was simply not the time.
After the last phone call on my list, it was time to batten down the hatches. I closed down the shutters on the windows and double locked the doors. There were now only two ways we could leave the house: through the garage or through the multiple rope ladders leading down from the multiple balconies on the house. I came up with that on my own. The ladders could easily be pulled up leaving us safe from attack. It was a win-win! I was actually proud of myself. Somebody had to be.
I warned my family to stay indoors and heard a laugh out of my wife and teenage daughter. So much for my concern for their safety. They all thought I was nuts. I knew better. I grabbed a shotgun and ammo, put on my one piece coveralls and my Kevlar infused gloves and started to check the perimeter of my property. I made sure there was nobody wandering outside the gate. I made certain the two gates were locked and ready. I made sure my caches of weapons were ready. I checked the animals, fed them, and watered them. I checked the crops that I just planted. I was ready for action. But there was no action. I found myself getting bored instead, and I was getting hot.
The problem was that I was boiling in my safety gear. It was only 75 degrees, and I was going to be overcome with heat. I wanted to put on a pair of shorts and flip flops. This was ridiculous. What the hell was I supposed to do now? I kept the gear on and went to the garage. I resolved to patrol the house on my ATV instead of just walking the perimeter. That way I could get more weapons and ammo with me. I would also be able to keep water and food with me the entire time. This was great! I would be just like a knight on a horse from medieval times guarding the castle- only motorized!
I thought this was completely cool. My wife sneered at my actions like I was off my rocker. I was starting to feel hurt. I continued in this manner for the next several days. The house was tight as a drum, and truth be told, I was starting to get really bored. I never realized how mind-numbingly dull it was to patrol. I found my mind wandering and daydreaming. I had to shake myself awake to avoid falling asleep.
My wife continued to make fun of me relentlessly. She started getting meaner and meaner: I was stupid. I was retarded. I was psychotic. I lost touch with reality. I was now broke. On and on she went about all my shortcomings. I ignored her. I spent all my time out in the yard preparing for the assault. I hit two-by-fours embedded in the concrete with war clubs, swords, hammers, screwdrivers, and yes, gunshots. I kept practicing and practicing until I could barely lift my arms over my head. All this time I kept watching TV and listening to the radio for any and all news involving violence, insanity, and infectious disease outbreaks. The news kept getting closer and closer to home. I knew it would soon be time to fight for real. I war-gamed against any possible threat, and I felt myself ready.
Finally on a beautiful Tuesday morning, my wife had enough of being a virtual prisoner in her own home. As I was patrolling the front gate, I saw her open the garage door. That freaked me out. I hit the accelerator toward the house and almost spun out the ATV. I made it home just as she was getting in the car.
I screamed at her, “You can’t leave! They’re almost here!” I was yelling and whining at the same time. How could she do this to us? Why didn’t she understand how grave this threat was?
She giggled at me. “Get out of my way. I’m going for coffee. I’m dying for a Starbucks vanilla latte.” She moved toward the driver door.
I intercepted her. I had to stop her for her own good. I grabbed the door handle and pleaded with her. I begged to think of her safety. I begged for the children.
She laughed at me. “Get out of my way little man.” Her mercy was at an end. I could tell it was over between us. Instead of love, all she had was contempt.
She continued. “If you keep me here against my will, the police will find out immediately. You will be committed.” She smiled. “All your plans will be destroyed as you rot in jail. Just try me.” She had a reptilian look in her eyes. I realized it was no threat. That was what she wanted. She would be done with me once and for all.
I grabbed the keys out of her hand and grabbed my Indian War Club. I already had my guns on me. It was my last chance. I sat down in the driver’s seat. She screamed behind me. She knew if she wanted coffee, she would be stuck with me. She had no choice. She went around the car and got in the passenger seat.
She buckled up and looked straight ahead. She changed the news station and put on some soon-to-be dead boy band. I to hated boy bands, and she knew it. She was goading me into some ridiculous response. I swallowed my bile and drove to the front gate.
I got out of the car and walked to the front of the gate. I looked both ways and made sure there were no threats. I quickly ran to the car, opened the gate, and drove all the way through. I hit the close button and got out of the car. I pulled out my pistol and waved it around looking for any targets until the gate closed. I ran into the car and pulled away. I noticed my wife was all the way down in her seat with her hands over her head. She was embarrassed beyond belief. She couldn’t believe this was happening and neither could I. Unfortunately, it was for different reasons.
I drove down Main Street which was eerily quiet. Almost no one was out on the street which was surprising. Usually cars were moving up and down the street all day long. We were the only car out, which made me even more nervous.
I was about to pull into the Starbucks’ drive-thru when my wife stepped out of the car quickly and ran toward the front door. I flipped out. I turned off the ignition and left the car in the middle of the intersection. I didn’t have time to park. I ran after her and was about to pull out my pistol when I saw her in a perfectly normal scene ordering coffee from a common teenage boy.
I was sweating with the nerves of the situation. I wanted a gun in my hand, and I wanted it now. There was no telling where they were. I was shaking and antsy. Perspiration ran down my face. The teenager avoided looking at me. I guess he hoped I would just go away.
My wife grabbed her coffee and sat down to drink it. I looked at her as if she were absolutely crazy. I stood above the table and perspired fiercely. Sweat ran down on to the table. I wanted to yell at her. She smiled sweetly up at me daring me to say anything. I wanted to yank her up and out of there. I couldn’t afford to. It would have ruined everything.
I sat down inste
ad and swallowed. I was going nuts being so exposed. I gripped the edge of the table and stared at the front door. My wife slowly drank her latte taking her sweet time. She was actually enjoying herself.
I looked out the front window and saw my car still sitting in the middle of the intersection. Not a single car had driven by it yet which was odd. At the very least, the cops should have investigated. I was tempted to go and park it to make it less conspicuous, but that would have left my wife exposed. I couldn’t do it.
After a half hour of this, sheer panic was setting in to my overtaxed brain. I was seeing threats in everything. I concentrated on my breathing to prevent hyperventilation. The last thing I needed was to feel woozy and pass out into unconsciousness.
At last, my wife stood. I almost screamed ‘Thank God!’ at her. I saw her run toward the bathroom. I ran after her to check it first, but she was too fast. She went in and bolted the door. I put my ear to the door which got a dirty look from the teen at the register. He thought I was a pervert. Normally, he would’ve been right. I ignored him. I heard the toilet flush which in turn made me very relieved. Holy shit she was all right!
She opened the door and saw me pressed against the doorway. She rolled her eyes at me, angry as ever. She pushed my hand away from the door jamb and walked past me. She swung her purse back at me to keep me back. I moved at a run this time to get in front of her.
I opened the door and looked around as quickly as I could before running outside. I saw nothing and moved to the car to get inside to safety.
It was almost the worst mistake of my life. As I was getting into my car I looked back and saw a dead thing pulling my wife’s purse. It was using it to reel her in towards its waiting mouth. I saw that it had goo coming out of its mouth like a rabid dog. It growled at her. My wife yelled for it to let go of her purse. She was about to scream in anger at it until she looked at its face. She screamed in terror instead. The thing’s eyes were swollen shut, and the nose looked like it had been gnawed off. It went to wrap its arms around her. My wife just stood there in shock. She froze.
My Last Testament Page 3