by Pasha Malla
Kell!
Pearl and Gip were in a booth by the bathrooms. Kellogg took the seat opposite, moved Elsie-Anne off his lap, gaped across the table at his wife and son.
What’s going on? said Pearl. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
Yeah, Dad, said Gip. Your hands are shivering. Dorkus, what’d you do to Dad?
Elsie-Anne spoke into her purse.
I don’t, began Kellogg. You were . . . behind us. What happened?
Kell, sorry, I’m confused. What are you so shaken up about?
Sensing the whole bar watching, Kellogg hid behind the menu. So, he said, what’s good?
Mummy already ordered, said Gip. Wings.
Hope that’s okay, they don’t have flats. Pearl touched his arm. Kellogg?
Wings! he shouted — too bright, too loud, with a maniac’s grin. Hear that, Annie? Mummy’s ordered wings, who needs flats . . . He trailed off. On the floor was Gip’s knapsack. Be right back, he said, scooped it up, and tumbled out of the booth.
In the bathroom he dug past Raven’s Illustrations: A Grammar, his CityGuide, the extra sweaters he’d packed (just in case), their permits, apple juice, a first-aid kit, until his fingers closed around the cold smooth container of Gip’s meds. He tapped two of the white tablets onto his palm, looked from them to his reflection in the mirror — wide-eyed and weak — shook out two more, opened the tap, filled his mouth with water, and choked all four pills down.
PUT MY LEGS BACK.
Back? Mrs. Mayor, who is to say they were ever otherwise?
Who? Me! I do!
Bah, said Raven, waving his hand as if to waft away an unpleasant odour. It’s all perception and perspective. You say tomato, I say thaumato.
Listen here, I’ve been very patient. I’m all about keeping my constituents happy. And they seemed to very much enjoy this . . . trick. But, now, come on. It’s been hours.
The illustrationist drained his milk.
Please.
No.
You have to.
With a forlorn expression he contemplated the creamy residue inside the glass. You try, is the thing. You try and try and try. And people will just make of whatever you do whatever they want. Or, more — whatever they think they want.
He stood. The Mayor wriggled toward him, lost her balance, toppled onto her chest. The view was of her own legs on the lower tier: the skirt hitched to reveal a glimpse of silky slip. She grasped for it — hopeless — and let her arm hang, hand dangling.
Well, said the illustrationist, if people want a show, a show is what they will get.
He placed the empty goblet upon the dessert cart and drifted off into the shadows. The Mayor started to tell him to wait, but was preempted by a ruffle, a flapping, a whoosh. And then silence. The air felt sucked from the room.
Hello? she called.
The word echoed. Hello, replied the shadows.
Hello, hello, hello.
CALUM FLOATED WITHIN the screaming darkness. Everywhere were people: hands ran down his chest, someone’s lips fastened onto his neck, who was anyone, he patted the tops of heads for the distinctive frizz of the Hand’s buzzcut. But instead his palm met fabric — hats, hoods, stockings, masks — or greasy nests of hair, flat and damp, and he recoiled as though he’d fondled a corpse.
None of these people was her, where was she, he saw nothing. Someone caressed him from behind, looped their arms around his waist, pulled him close. Calum broke free, was hauled instantly into the arms of another stranger. Who? Nothing was discernible in the dark. Sound scorched his ears, jangled his nerves. He slipped into the arms of someone else and felt their head: a woolly cap.
The Hand was here somewhere, she had to be. Or had she left — had she abandoned him? Calum floundered into the naked flesh of someone else, he was held, though cruelly, aggressively, and the rusty music grated and shrieked, and now this person was lifting Calum’s shirt to press their hot wet skin against his — and were they now fumbling at his belt? He squirmed but was held fast, the arms were strong — and even in the dark there was something faceless about this person, something phantasmal or maybe masked . . . Calum wriggled, pushed, was released with a giggle.
From the periphery glowed those feeble pockets of light: in this one figures writhed on the floor, faintly illumined in the next a shadow pinned another shadow to the wall, in the next a tangle of limbs unravelled and four, five, six people stumbled back into the central darkness. The screaming shifted, sharpened. Where was the Hand? Calum pictured that shirtless character finding her, cornering her, her body trapped and rubbed and licked. And her licking back . . .
Fingers laced through his and squeezed. The touch felt familiar, safe. A cheek pressed to his, nuzzled, at the temples the smooth skin gave way to stubble, the head was crowned with a bristly patch. Come on, the Hand said in his ear, and he was taken out of the circle, beyond the music, past the ring of lights, to a tunnel, and down through the darkness, and down where it was quiet, and down and farther down.
THERE YOU GO, said Starx. Her husband’s leaving.
Olpert swivelled on his barstool. In a corner booth, a man and two children were abandoning a woman with a half-drunk pitcher and a basket of bones.
Starx punched him in the thigh. Shet, Bailie. Don’t look.
Sorry. I just might know that woman. If she’s who I think she is, she used to play for the Y’s, blew her knee in her second season and —
Pints appeared. Drink, commanded Starx. You want hot or mild wings?
Mild, said Olpert, drinking, and Starx said, Wrong.
The Taverne smelled of stale popcorn and cigarettes and pee. It had the mood lighting of a supermarket, there was no music, the sounds were the clop and chime of glassware, subdued conversations like rain upon soil, all of it supervised by the bartender, Pete, an abundantly sideburned older guy in big square glasses and a tuxedo.
Okay, said Starx. You like that ballplayer?
Olpert rubbed his thigh. That’ll bruise, he said, I hope you know.
Starx motioned to the mirror behind the bar. You want to check her out use that.
Olpert was bad at mirrors: what was reflected there never made much sense to him. He couldn’t use a rearview to park a car, and, shaving, he often floundered with the razor on the wrong side of his face.
I don’t like her, Starx. She was just on the team for a bit, I recognize her. Gosh, I probably have her card!
Card?
Y’s cards, they come with season tickets. I’ve got every set way back to when I first started going to games with my grandpa.
One of the OG’s was a Y’s fan?
Well back then they were the Maroons, Starx . . . This received only a blank stare, Olpert drank. Had he said something wrong? From behind his glass he looked along the bar at the three men down the other end, each one steeping in the boozy puddle of his world, and then up to the mirror: there was the booth, and the women — it was her, the former star, Pearl, and she was staring back at him, hard.
HER EARS STILL RINGING, Debbie entered the Golden Barrel gently, almost apologetically. The usual pallid faces ringed the bar, a foursome of recent Institute grads nibbled wings. The only other patron sat by the bathrooms, some sad grey woman alone with a jug of cider. How tired and defeated this person looked — and then she was standing and waving and Debbie realized it was Pearl.
You haven’t changed a bit, Pearl told her, they hugged long and hard, and pulling away Debbie wished she’d worn a shirt that showed off her tattoo.
Kell and the kids just left.
Whoa, you brought them here?
One sec, said Pearl, and slid out of the booth wagging the empty jug at the bartender.
Order me wings, said Debbie, please, studying Pearl as she limped away. Did she know what life had done to her? This scared Debbie, the thought that life might
happen beyond one’s understanding, with its truths manifest in a hunched and heavy walk or the lines on one’s face, those cicatrices of every trial and sadness.
Pearl returned, set down the refill. Those two at the bar are checking you out, she said. The big guy and his little friend in matching shirts.
Not you too? So I get both?
Nobody checks me out anymore.
Aw, Debbie said — how condescending this sounded. But what else to say?
Pearl poured two pints. Behind the bar, the phone started ringing. Pete stared it down until it stopped, then went back to twisting a towel inside a spotty glass.
Cheers, said Pearl. They clinked drinks. And then came the question Debbie was dreading: So who all’s coming?
BAILIE, here’s the thing about you: there’s no life in your life.
There’s life!
Example?
I have moles.
Freckles.
No, no. As pets, Starx. I keep moles. In a terrarium. But they’d call it a larder.
Starx shook his head, drank. The phone started ringing again. The bartender scowled at it, held up his hands to deny responsibility, disappeared into the kitchen. Ha, said Starx. You gotta love Pete.
Starx, hello? Moles don’t count? Those aren’t lives?
Fug, Bailie, that’s not what I meant. There’s no life in your life outside your life. Look, I’ve only known you for, what?
Cumulative? Less than twenty-four hours. But we met two weeks ago.
Whatever. Listen to me. You’ve built this little life and you live inside it, and anything outside it is — there’s nothing outside it. You don’t let anything in.
Wait, I’m sorry, moles don’t have lives? Whatever! Do you even know anything about moles? Keeping a mole is really hard. The thing with moles is that they have to feel at home in their world. They have to be able to burrow, they like to feel safe, they feel safe by burrowing. They need to be surrounded in their homes. And they’re delicate. I only keep one at a time. If you put two together they’ll mate, and you don’t want all those babies. That’s if you’re lucky. Usually they’ll just kill each other.
Are you going to talk to that woman over there or what?
The little gal I’ve got now is called Jessica. I just got her. Poor Kathy passed on the eighth, just over a week ago now. Before her was Alfredo, I just realized it would have been his sixth birthday last week! Moles are sensitive, is the thing. You have to keep them dry, and the temperature has to be regulated. They don’t like loud noises either — loud noises can kill them. Just from shock. That’s how Henry died, I think. One of my housemates —
Gal. You call your mole a gal.
What? Do you even know how much moles eat? Often half their weight in bugs a day! I get a lot of slugs from under stones around the Islet, and since I live with slobs we’ve got roaches, and I have a worm bin too, under my bed. They like variety in their diets, moles.
Starx tipped back the end of his cider.
What I’m saying is that you want to talk about alive? Well moles are very much alive, Starx. Are you listening? Are you even listening? They’re very, very alive.
BUT THINK, said Debbie, if you moved back home you’d get to see everyone, whenever!
Home? You mean here? No thanks.
Never?
What’s there for me here? For my family?
I don’t know, this is a great city. I mean, there’s problems, but there’s a lot of good people here. You should have seen this thing I went to earlier tonight, it was amazing —
Yeah, obviously I’d have a real community to come back to.
Well people get busy, right? And to be fair it was kind of short notice —
Pearl waved it away. She drank.
So, said Debbie, you playing any ball at all ever?
With my knee?
Yeah, me either. It’s less of a shame for me than you though. I mean, you were a for-real star! But anyway, I’ve just got so many other commitments.
Adine.
That commitment, yeah.
How’s she?
Good! Really good. She says hi. She’d love to meet you but she’s — you know how artists are. She’s working hard on a new project, it’s really cool, it’s about all sorts of really smart stuff. She’s so smart. But we’re good, yeah.
So everything’s good.
So good! What about Kellogg? Things okay? I mean, last time I talked to you —
Things are fine.
And your kids! They must be like little people now. What’s the younger one?
Elsie-Anne. Else.
And Gip was like two or something when I visited — that was fun, remember that? Who’d have guessed you’d end up living on a farm?
Deb, wow, you’re such a big-city girl. It’s not a farm! People grow things on farms.
Ha, yeah. I guess even the idea of grass is like, so rural-seeming to me.
What about the park?
Debbie waved her hand. Don’t get me started on the park.
No?
No. Debbie looked at Pearl carefully, felt the gulf of this conversation opening up before them — it was better sidestepped. Debbie conjured light to her eyes and grabbed her old friend’s hands across the table. It’s just so good to see you!
THE OTHER WOMAN’S laugh was like fireworks, it came tinkling down in silver lights: head thrown back, neck exposed, such a clean perfect neck to put your lips to — once, again, again, forever for the rest of your life, every night. But then in the mirror Olpert’s eyes met Pearl’s, suspicious and mean.
He stared into his cider.
Quite a mating call on the other bird, said Starx. Eh?
I know.
Whoa, wait a minute! Look at you, all fawny and — you’re smitten, aren’t you, Bailie.
Starx.
You are. Well go get her.
Ha, yeah right. Her friend already thinks I’m probably a rapist.
Starx stiffened. Don’t say that, he said.
Oh. Okay. Sorry.
Their wings arrived. Olpert ate one, a sweat moustache came, he wiped it away, another appeared in its place — why was his body so relentlessly humiliating?
Starx licked sauce from his fingers. Good lord but that’s the stuff, he said.
This is embarrassing, said Olpert.
What?
What, what? Everything.
Stop talking to me. Go over there.
Just go over there, just like that. Hey sugar, hey babe, or something, nice hotwings, great legs, do you want to give me your phone number? Right. That’ll happen.
Are you scared?
What, right now?
When else?
I don’t know.
What are you scared of?
Olpert drained his glass. The bartender dove upon it, filled him up.
Good man, Petey, said Starx. My man here’s nearly living.
I’m getting drunk, said Olpert. I don’t do this. It’s not normal.
Well it’s normal in bars, said Starx. That’s what guys who are living do: get drunk in bars. Speaking of fuggin which, let’s gun some schnapps. Pete! Shots!
Shots appeared. Starx cheersed the guys at the end of the bar, who ignored him, and then faced Olpert. Look me in the eye, he ordered. Olpert did, and noticed his partner’s face had softened. Starx said, To you, getting laid, and slammed his schnapps. Olpert followed suit and came away gasping. Starx thumped the bar.
Mutherfugger, he howled, that’ll put hair on your shaft!
JESUS, listen to those guys.
Aw, they’re just having fun.
Pearl spat cider back into her glass. Deb? Wow, that’s not like you.
Like me? What do you mean?
You used to chew up guys like that. No smar
tass comments? Look at them — wait, don’t look at them, they’ll think you’re interested.
I just figure everyone’s got a right to a good time. They’re not hurting anyone. I mean, not in this instant. Outside of here, of course, they’re the enemy.
Huh. You used to be so funny.
I’m still funny.
Are you?
I don’t know. Adine’s funny, in her way. Maybe she’s funny for both of us.
Pete arrived with Debbie’s wings, held up their empty jug with a questioning look.
One more, said Pearl.
You don’t have to be back? For your kids? What time is it?
But Pearl was watching the bartender return to his post. Is he going to get that phone?
Pete dispenses drinks and wisdom, said Debbie. Don’t expect much else.
Pete. How long have you been living here?
Let’s see, I’m thirty-one, I came to the Institute when I was eighteen, so —
No, in UOT.
Years, now. Since I moved in with Adine.
Right.
Debbie smacked the table. I forgot to tell you! Though, wait, now I forget . . .
What?
Someone from the team’s coaching now. Coaching the Y’s, not at the Institute . . .
Who?
I can’t remember! Isn’t that terrible? It’s just, I haven’t really been up with ball-related stuff. I’m trying to think, though, who it might have been . . .
Pearl waited.
Anyway. Neat, right?
Whoever it was.
Debbie took a wing, eyed Pearl. I feel bad, she said, nibbling, that no one else came.
It’s fine.
No, it’s not. Wouldn’t it have been great to get everyone out? Could have been a perfect excuse for a little reunion. And short notice, I know I said that, but it’s no excuse, right? Blame me. As I said, I’ve been a little AWOL from that whole scene.
Doing what?
I’ve been doing more like, activism-type work, with a different crowd. Stuff around the park. So I’ve met some new friends through that. And Adine, of course — I see her. Though lately she doesn’t see me, ha. Anyway you barely ever come home. I feel bad.