by T. L Smith
Putting it down to Connick and what happened, I moved away, I had to. I can’t risk that situation again, especially with him knowing where I live and who I am. I should’ve known something was off with him, but I let him get way too close for even for my liking. So, I did what was best for me, I packed what I had and moved.
One state away felt like a fresh start. I didn’t know a soul here, and I knew I would never see anyone I knew.
Finding a job was easy, bartending work is easy to come by, especially when that’s all you have done. I felt bad about leaving my previous job with no notice, it was something that I had to do, though.
My new bartending job is completely different to my last one. This place is full of suits and I have to dress the part to match. Short black skirts with a clean, crisp white shirt and heels. There aren’t as many employees as my last place, it’s just me on today and later another bartender will take over.
I kind of like the slowness of it all and the vibe of this place. The floors are all shiny and polished wood. The bar top is made from black marble and it has a sleek design. Another bonus is it’s located right around the corner from my apartment which I found to rent. Still just as small as my last one, but I don’t need much, my life doesn’t need much. I should want more out of my life, like going to college and maybe finding something I’m passionate about. But, here I am in yet another bar, serving the rich and college-educated people.
I haven’t been with anyone since Connick, too afraid and not wanting to, which is all very new to me. That connection I claimed to have when I wanted sex is low now, especially since I know the aftermath of what that brings and where it leads. So, I try to say no to it and so far I have succeeded, but I’m afraid at how long that will actually last considering my past.
I see my mother in my dreams a lot lately. She still looks the same, so much like me it’s scary. Her hair just as black, her skin just as pale. But her eyes hold a void I’m afraid I have too, one that can never be filled. Not once has she ever tried to reach out to me or even look for me since the day I left. I called her once and she was so drunk I couldn’t understand a word she said.
Connick has a well-worn position in my nightmares. He’s a mystery, someone I don’t understand. How could he have known who she was, let alone who I was?
Watching as the other bartender walks in, I finish wiping the bar down and stack the glasses away ready for my shift to end. He nods to me but doesn’t speak as he walks behind the bar. I place my till card up on the counter for him and grab my bag, ready to walk out. Today is pay day so I have to run out and buy some food. I’ve been running low lately due to having to come up with money to pay for my new apartment, so I’m excited to do a full shop.
The grocery store is just one block away from where I work, and when I enter, I grab what I need—the essentials and nothing more. Only living on noodles and bread, you become accustomed to it and don’t have a need for much else if that’s all you know. Occasionally, I will buy ice cream or chocolate, but very rarely. My last job used to feed us on our breaks, but this new job doesn’t have a kitchen, all they serve is just straight up alcohol.
I push my cart to the front of the store and start loading everything up. My heels are digging into my feet and I want to kick them off. The cashier smiles as she starts scanning my items. I look down at my feet and see the heel is red and a little blistered—I really need to buy some new shoes. As I look back up to grab my purse, I feel a tap on my shoulder. Turning around I notice a person I don’t recognize.
She smiles at me and drops her head to the side. “Malinka?” Her voice sounds vaguely familiar, but I can’t pinpoint it.
Where do I know her from?
“It is you, isn’t it?” she says again. “It’s me… Nicole.”
I revolt, taking a large step back. Forgetting her was easy, she was a bitch and not someone I want to remember.
“Yes…” I manage to squeak out, wishing it didn’t sound like that, wishing I just grabbed my things and walking out instead of answering her. Her hand goes up on her hip, and she looks me up and down, turning away from her I catch sight of a little person pulling on her shirt.
“I’m so sorry I was a bitch to you back then.”
Her words stun me as I hand the cashier my money.
Time freezes, and I think back to what an utter cunt she really was.
Sixteen years old…
I had let him use me for far too long. A part of me knew it was wrong, that I should find a way to tell him that I didn’t want to do those things he wanted from me. But somehow, I also seemed to enjoy them. I wasn’t sure if it was the after-presents, or the actual act of sex and how the men looked at me once I was naked.
I had my new bag over my arm, the one Derrick had bought for me of course, as well as the new shoes that were on my feet. Walking outside to my usual place to eat, I wondered where I would go. We had two more weeks left of school and I couldn’t wait to leave every person I knew behind. Not because they scared me, but to try to be a different person without the heaviness of my mother’s actions and how I was perceived by them.
Derrick didn’t sit with me at school, he was always with his friends, and I never once tried to interfere with that. I was more than happy to stay by myself for an hour a day for lunch, sitting down at the table near the football oval in my usual position. Today, though, just as I opened my sandwich—which was rare to have, but thanks to Derrick I seemed to have more of what I never had but needed—voices grew louder. Not wanting to risk being caught staring, I stayed where I was and picked at my food. A bag dropped in front of me and landed on my food.
Turning to my side, I saw Nicole, the same Nicole that was obsessed with Derrick. She hated that he showed any interest in me at all when there was someone like her available.
Gathering my stuff, I went to stand, her hand touched my shoulder, and she pushed me back down with the gentle force of her hand. I’m sure if I wanted to I could have maybe overpowered her and walked away, but I didn’t want the confrontation that would inevitably come along with that. So, I sat and waited for her words to assault me instead.
“Stop following him. He doesn’t even like you. You’re trash.” She spoke her words near my ear and a shiver wanted to break free all over my body with her being that close. “I heard he pimps you to all his friends. You’re like his own little slut.” Another assault of words. I could hear Nicole’s friend laughing behind her. My eyes stayed downcast. I didn’t want to deal with her, I didn’t even want her near me. She continued, “He tells me you know, what a slut your mother is and how much like her you are. He only keeps you around because of that reason… because you open your legs at his command. Do you know most girls don’t do that?” She laughed and shook her head. “You probably don’t though, being raised by a slut and all.” Her hand clasped the back of my hair, she pulled it hard then slammed my face into the table. I could taste the blood, my head felt foggy and I saw stars, so I stayed where I was. Not wanting to look up or deal with her at all, she smacked the back of my head as I kept it down. Finally, I heard her footsteps walk away.
I stayed exactly where I was even after the bell rang. Desperately, I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out again.
Chapter 9
She’s looking at me like we’re friends, we aren’t. A small child clings to her side, a beautiful little girl with dark brown hair. She reminds me of Derrick’s beauty, the one I got lost in all those years ago. I squash those thoughts immediately and look up at Nicole.
“I was wondering…” her voice starts then stops, her hand grabbing hold of the little girl as she starts to move. I reach out and stop her, and she looks back to me. “Maybe we should have lunch… and possibly try to talk more.”
I’m sure my eyebrows squint at her words.
Why would she want to meet me for lunch?
She hated me.
She watches my resolve and pushes further, “Please…. just to chat. I promise…”
I grab my packed bags of food from the cashier. Nicole moves forward loading her own food up as she holds onto her daughter’s hand. I nod my head and wonder, why did I do that? Her smile feels real and genuine as she waits for my answer.
Her hand reaches out as she speaks again, “Can I grab your number?” She hands me her phone unlocked and ready for me to input my number. I take it with shaky hands, entering my number carefully. Her daughter claps her hands together and is smiling at me.
Kids aren’t my thing. I never want any. Not in this world, they’re not for my world. But this little one, she’s somewhat cute.
Not looking up to Nicole again, I leave and don’t look back, hoping she won’t call me.
As I’m walking into my apartment two days later after finishing work, my cell phone rings.
I don’t recognize the phone number at first, and usually, I don’t answer unknown callers, but my hands are full and it’s screaming in my hands.
“Hello,” I answer pushing the door open with my hip. I drop my bags on the floor and straighten my cell to my ear as I listen to whoever’s calling.
“It is your number! I didn’t think it was, I thought…” she pauses, and I realize who it is—Nicole. “Anyway, are you free later on? I have a booking at Crème Freshest, and you know how hard it is to get a booking there. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, if you’re free I would love to meet you there for dinner?”
I don’t know of that place, I have no idea what it is. I don’t even know where it is. Though I vaguely recall someone talking about it once, and I don’t recall much, only that it’s hard to get into and high class. Doesn’t surprise me with Nicole, she always had money because her family owns real estate.
“Really?” Leaning against my fridge my eyes go large. Why does she want to meet me? I don’t see anything good coming from seeing her again. Walking to my window, I look down the three stories to the road out front. Instantly, I notice a dark figure who has stopped and is looking up at my window. Opening the window, I lean out more to get a better look. He smirks up at me and my heart stops. Jumping backward, I almost drop the phone forgetting who’s on it and quickly look again.
No one’s there.
Was I hallucinating?
“So, can you? I know it’s short notice, but I’ve just gotten a sitter.”
My hands start moving and straightening out. I don’t know what to say to her. Honestly, I thought for sure she wouldn’t call me, but here she is larger than life.
“Sure,” my voice is small when I finally answer her.
“Oh yeah… thank you. Can you meet me there in say… one hour?”
I look at the clock and around my small apartment. “Sure,” I repeat again.
Nicole starts to talk fast and I don’t hear a word she says. My mind is wondering why the fuck I just agreed to meet with her. I don’t even like this woman. But people deserve second chances, right? I sure as shit hope they do, because I’ve never gotten one, just kicked to the curb and move on. Thanks, Mother.
Going through my clothes is hard trying to find something to wear. My clothes consist of mostly stay-at-home clothes, like sweat pants and tees, mixed with some work clothes. In amongst it all there’s very few going-out dresses. Managing to find a dress I’d forgotten I own, I slip it on—it’s red and slides on perfectly. I let my hair down from the bun it’s in and let it flow down my back, the curls taking on a life of their own.
Calling for an Uber and having it arrive right on time, doesn’t give me much of a chance to contemplate what I’m really doing—which is going to see a woman I don’t even like and yet somehow I’ve agreed to have dinner with her.
Kind of like Connick, I didn’t agree to give him anything, he just took it all and it slipped out of me. I haven’t been that vulnerable since I was a teenager. I never want that to happen again, this is the main reason I only have sex with strangers now. I can control the situation and can leave and have no contact after the act. I don’t need them again, and this gives me the control I need and makes me feel somewhat normal from my fucked-up life.
After a short drive, I make my way out of the Uber and walk straight up to the front of the restaurant. The maître d' looks me over and smiles when her eyes land on me. I tell her I’m here to meet Nicole, giving her Nicole’s first and last name, and she smiles as she asks me to follow her. Nicole’s easy to spot, she’s seated at a table by herself with a bottle of wine next to her. She’s sipping on a glass and looking around. Nicole’s eyes stop on me, and she stands as I get closer, then leans in for a hug. I one-tap her back and pull away quickly, taking a seat opposite her.
“Thank you so much for coming. I never get out, so this is nice,” she tells me, pulling her own chair out and sitting back down. Menus are handed to us and a glass of wine is poured for me.
“I’m not quite sure why I’m here, Nicole.” I reach for the glass of water instead of the wine. I don’t particularly like to drink. She notices my actions but doesn’t comment on them.
“I know how hard it was for you…” She looks me dead in the eye waiting for a reaction, she doesn’t get one.
I’ve dealt a lot with that time of my life, and I don’t tend to think about it too much these days. Well, I try not to.
“We were so mean to you.”
“We?” I ask confused. She should be talking about herself, yet she used the word ‘we.’
“Yes, Derrick and I…” Nicole looks behind me, and when she does, her eyes stay there for a moment. I turn to see what she’s looking at and when I do I wish I hadn’t come because Derrick is walking right to us dressed like he’s just left a catwalk. His eyes are solely on me as he steps toward us. I turn back in shock and look to Nicole who’s smiling at me. I wish right now, I could reach across the table and strangle her very fucking slowly.
“You aren’t the least bit sorry… are you?” I ask shaking my head at her.
She smirks and I know I’ve been played the minute she does.
“No, not really! Does that make me a bad person? You had what I wanted, and now I have it. Even have a child to him. It was the best thing I could do to get you out of the picture. You were my only barrier to getting him.” She stops speaking when a chair is pulled out and he sits between us, I can’t look at him yet. He’s too close, and I can smell him, he smells exactly the same as he did all those years ago.
I hate him.
I love him, yet I loathe him.
“You can leave now, Nicole.” His voice is the exact same as I remember from back all those years ago. My eyes stay firmly on Nicole, still not looking at him.
Watching her closely, her face reads shock. She obviously didn’t expect that to happen. Nicole stands, placing her napkin on the table then looking me over, then to him. Her footsteps are all I hear as she marches off, my eyes still don’t want to see him.
“Milanka…” His voice is so close, and I hate it. I go to stand, but his hand stops me by placing it on my thigh.
I freeze.
Everything inside of me becomes stock still.
His hand is on me, something I never wanted again after I left.
And now here he is, all these years later, looking at me the same as how he looked at me when I was sixteen.
Now, though, I know better. Now, I know that those looks are fake and have a motive behind them. I won’t let those looks bring me in, or even let him have power over me again.
“Remove your hand, Derrick,” I ask him in a quieter voice so as to not bring attention to us.
His eyes are on me, I can feel them, but I stay staring at his hand waiting for it to lift, and it does slowly.
“If I remember correctly, you never complained about my hands on you.” His voice is smug and unappealing.
I want to get up and walk away, but I’m afraid he’ll cause a scene. “Your hands are branded in fire, no one wants them on any part of their body.” I turn to look at him then, his eyes are narrowed as he stares at me. He isn’t happ
y. “Did you marry her, Derrick?” I ask him before he has a chance to say anything else.
He nods his head.
“Why are you here?” My hands clench together in my lap.
He leans in close so I can feel his breath. “I’ve missed you, you know. So many years without you has been torturous. I agreed to not find you, when she asked. I agreed to not want you, when she asked.” He laughs, and I know something is seriously wrong with him. How could there not be? “I’ve never stopped wanting you, and you know I get what I want. Now I want you back, and I will take you back Milanka. You are mine. You will always be mine, and no other will stand in the way any longer. I think we’ve had too much time apart, don’t you?” Standing, I push my chair out and reach for my purse. His hand covers mine stopping me from moving. Turning to look at him, his eyes roam over me then stop at my face.
“You were mine, Milanka. I never agreed for you to leave me.”
His words send shivers over me.
Who said I was his?
I’m not a possession that can be claimed.
Leaning down close so he can hear me perfectly I whisper, “I was never yours. I was young, naïve, and stupid when I met you. You took advantage of that. Never again will you get that chance.” Snatching my bag from under his grip I walk away fast, almost powerwalking out of the restaurant. I rush down the street and pull out my cell to ring for an Uber when I feel his presence behind me. Looking around, I realize instantly how stupid it was to walk away from the lights of the restaurant, the protection and safety it would have afforded from the people around it. Now, I’m standing on a street with only one streetlight, and I’m the only person on the street right now apart from him. Looking up at him, I see the evil smile that always lurks on his lips when he’s about to do something bad.