by T. L Smith
“What are you going to do?”
She starts pacing, and the baby at my feet starts tapping me. “That’s why I’m here. I don’t want to do this to you because I think we’ve become friends, and Lord I need some women friends right now who don’t want to fuck Von. But, I’m quitting. And you know what that means for you.”
I do, that means I get more shifts to fill for her until a replacement is found.
“Quitting?”
“I can’t do it anymore. Two years is long enough.”
Reaching down, I pick the baby up, and it starts pulling at my shirt covering my breasts, holding my top down. I look up to her.
“I do have one last favor, I promise.” I nod my head. “Can you watch the kids? I need to go tell him.” I’m sure my eyes shine in fear. “They’re easy, I swear. Cartoons on and they’re angels. Pretty please? Tops… thirty minutes.”
“I’ve never even held a kid till a few minutes ago, Serena.”
“And you did great. Please, Milanka?” she begs me with her hands.
“Thirty minutes?” I ask her.
She nods, smiling, then runs to the door, opens it, and pulls a bag inside that was obviously sitting just outside. Placing it on the counter, she opens it and pulls out a small snack box, walking it to the child on the couch. Serena turns the television on and the child stays still.
Wow! What a miracle.
She kisses the kids and runs for the door, leaving me with them.
Kids!
Chapter 19
She’s gone longer than thirty minutes. Actually, she’s gone for most of the day. Soon I have to meet Connick, and I’m not even ready and I haven’t even had a chance to think about him or what I want to ask. Both kids are on my bed. The baby is on my chest asleep, while the other plays with my cell next to me when Connick walks in, pushing my unlocked door open. He stops, and his face when I see him peek into the bedroom, is priceless. I want to photograph it. His eyes are wide, and his mouth is open as he stares at the kids and me.
“She said thirty minutes… four hours ago,” I tell him.
His mouth finally closes and he steps into the room. “You want kids?” he asks me seriously now.
“No! What kind of question is that?” I ask him, trying to not move which would wake the child that won’t leave me alone.
“So, you don’t want kids, Milanka?”
Is this some kind of trick question? I’m not sure, but I answer him truthfully.
“No, never.”
He nods his head, it seems I’ve picked the right answer and it pleases him.
“Can you hold the baby? I need to get dressed.”
He shakes his head fast, and if I didn’t know any better I’d think he was scared.
Scared?
My larger than life giant is scared?
My?
I can’t believe I just thought that. He isn’t mine, I don’t even know what he is.
“Please, I’m betting you want me ready on time, and I can’t do that if I have a baby on me.” I sit up and the baby stays asleep, not even moving. Standing, I walk to him and lift the baby onto his chest. The baby snuggles in and I understand why. Connick smells delicious, he always does. Plus, no matter how mad you are at him, the moment he wraps you in his arms in any way, you fall asleep. I’ve proven that, even at the worst of times. Like last night.
“Fancy?” I ask him while stretching.
“Anything you wear is fine.”
What? He didn’t say my name.
His eyes are firmly on the child on his chest, and he’s definitely afraid. Maybe I need to babysit more with him. Walking into my bathroom, I change into black jeans that have a few fashionable rips in the legs, and a nice low cut pink top. Leaving my hair down as he likes it, I walk back to see he hasn’t moved an inch. His eyes are still on the sleeping baby, and he’s still standing exactly where I left him. A knock comes and I run to the door to answer it. Not even checking because I know who it is, and I’m glad when I see Serena.
She looks flustered and tired when she walks in, looking around for her kids.
“I didn’t mean to take so long. I’m so sorry.”
“How did it go?”
“Well, now you have to work tomorrow. Sorry about that.”
I shrug my shoulders, work is a good distraction.
“The babies are in my room.”
She walks past me and stops when she gets to my room, looks back at me and smirks.
“He looks good with kids. Scared maybe, but good.”
She reaches out and takes the baby like it was nothing to put him there in the first place. I practiced being still for ages, and she moves him without even waking him. She walks out with their bag. The older child kisses my cheek and she walks out of my house, leaving me standing there watching, as Connick steps out and stands in front of me.
“Are you ready, Milanka?”
I nod my head and slip my flats onto my feet. He walks past me, then holds the door open for me to leave with him. Connick’s hand lands on my ass as we walk to his car and we both sit in the back.
“Have you thought about your questions, Milanka?”
Shaking my head, I dare not look at him. He’s back to using my name like his former baby self. “You don’t have all night.”
Trying to think of what I want to ask is the trick.
“How many can I ask?” Turning to him I see he’s already watching me.
“Three. I think that’s more than fair.”
“You’ll answer them all… truthfully?”
A simple nod is all I get in return. Connick leans in close, I’m never afraid that he will kiss my lips anymore. He now knows I don’t like it from the last time when he kissed me and I didn’t kiss him back. Now, he kisses my collarbone, every single time. His breath touches me before his lips do.
“Remember this car? Remember the reward I gave you in this car? Control?”
A heavy breath is all I can give him.
“Tonight, you have control again. Be careful with it, Milanka. No one takes control of me, ever.”
I don’t know what to say or even do with those words. He’s giving me control? I guess he means he is because I’m asking the questions. The question I really want to know is why I keep going back to him, even when I know he’s evil, even when I know he may hurt me.
He kisses my neck before he sits up and reaches for the door and pulls it open. I slide over in the seat and follow him out. He offers me his hand as I climb out. Giving my hand to him, he pulls me to his side and starts walking into the restaurant.
The lady at the reception desk smiles at him, not even asking his name as she steps out and takes us down the back to a private table. Does he own this as well? I decide that absolutely will not be one of my questions to him. I need to ask something more fitting, something that will make my decision of what I should do easier. He orders two glasses of water, and the lady walks away leaving us both sitting down, staring at each other, waiting for one of us to speak.
“Ask Milanka… so I can eat in peace.” Drinking his water, he places it back down on the table in front of him.
My hands start scrunching each other in my lap as I try to think of the first question—
I undoubtedly needed more time for this.
“How long have you been watching me?”
He doesn’t miss a beat before he answers, “I’ve known you since we were teenagers, Milanka. You were someone else’s then.”
That shocks me, and before I can ask how, I remember I get only three questions, and I don’t want to waste them. Digging my nails into the palm of my hand, I ask my second question. “Do you want to hurt me?”
His stare is hard as he looks at me, his eyes turning from vibrant to dark in a matter of seconds.
“Sometimes. But no… I do not wish to hurt you anymore.”
Anymore? This isn’t fair, he’s giving me answers which involve me asking more questions. Biting my tongue and digging my nails
in harder to stop myself, I take a breath before I ask the last question.
“What do I mean to you, Connick?”
His hand goes to his head as he swipes the top and then comes back down on the table. He fidgets with his knife and then places it back down. Is he nervous? He could lie, but he’s a man of his word, so I know he won’t. Whatever he’s about to say is the truth.
“More than anyone else in this world.”
My heart beats fast, and my eyes blink multiple times. That’s a statement, a very powerful statement, except it could mean he doesn’t care at all for anyone, and I am it. Then I remember Cherry, he must care for her, so that means I trump anyone in his life.
I wonder for how long?
Is this a recent thing?
So many questions left to ask, but I won’t get the answers.
“Two steaks, well done, side of vegetables.”
Looking up, I see he’s just ordered for us and is watching me.
“I still have many more questions.”
He nods his head. “I can see them in your eyes. I said only three, though, Milanka, and three is all you get. Don’t push for more.”
We sit in silence just locking eyes together.
Three questions.
Were they the best ones to ask?
And what about his answers?
He’s known me for quite some time.
Does that mean he knows who Derrick is? Damn it! I should have asked that the moment he said it, I should have said that. He doesn’t look like a man or the type of man I would have thought would associate with Derrick. Derrick is a bastard. Connick is cold and ruthless. He takes what he wants, but not the same way Derrick does without consent. I gave myself to Connick, and I’m afraid I will continue to do so even knowing only small parts of him. He cares for me, though, that’s something I never expected. I thought I was just his bed buddy, someone he fucked like I did, with multiple others.
And what about Rob? Did he have him killed?
Turning my head away from him, I have to, because the questions are everywhere and the answers are nowhere.
“Stop overthinking things, Milanka. I accept your demons, and you must accept mine.”
He’s so much like an ocean, his hands pull me in then they push me out. Drowning me in the middle, leaving me hazy and even more confused. Yet, I’m like the wave, it always comes back.
“I want more questions,” I tell him.
The waiter comes back and places our meals in front of us. He picks up his knife and starts cutting into his steak.
“Maybe in a month.”
So, he expects me to be around that long. I don’t know what to think of that. He wants me to stay? For what purpose? Is it because he cares for me? Or just to use me?
It’s different when I use guys for sex, I don’t expect anything in return, except their body for one night. Nothing personal is ever shared. Yet, Connick knows more about me possibly than my own mother does. Actually, way more than she does. He, at least, knows where I live and she has no idea. I used to wonder if she was still alive. But I have no desire to contact her, and that’s just how it’s been and it will probably stay that way.
He knew she was alive, and I’m also guessing he knew who she was that day.
Did he lie to me?
Why would he? He doesn’t get anything from lying, especially not to me if that was the case.
“I’m about to walk out, and you won’t be able to stop me if you don’t answer this last question.”
He drops his knife and looks up at me. Waves his hand for me to continue.
“You knew it was her, didn’t you? That night! You said before I lost it, ‘your hell’, I remember now. You knew who she was?”
He smiles at me. “I’m impressed. Yes! I knew who she was. And no, I don’t know where she is now. And I am sorry for lying to you. I won’t do that again.”
“You knew who she was…” Standing without touching my food, I look down at him, my hands dropping to my sides.
Does he know everything, and somehow, I don’t know who he is?
Were the clues right in front of my face and I was too blind to see?
Do I even really care that he knows everything? He seems to still want me, even with knowing it all.
“Sit down, Milanka.” He waves his hand at the seat.
Closing my eyes and squeezing them tightly, I answer him, opening them again. “Don’t follow me, Connick, just…” Trailing off, I place the napkin on the table, I grab my purse and walk away from that table and away from Connick.
Chapter 20
Going home was hard, but necessary. I couldn’t have been in that restaurant any longer listening to all his truths, truths he had hidden from my life. Escaping from it all—that was a choice I had to make. The moment I got home and locked my door, he was there knocking on it. Pretending to not hear him, I sat on my couch waiting for it to stop. It didn’t, and I ended up falling asleep listening to his fists on the door.
It’s morning now, and as I’m leaving to get coffee, he’s there when I open the door. He’s dressed in a different suit but he looks tired as hell. His violet eyes are gray and hold circles under them.
“I told you not to run, Milanka.”
I step out and shut the door behind me making him back up so I can. Then I start walking out the front and onto the street, he follows me and eventually matches me step for step.
“I didn’t run, Connick. Instead, I chose to walk away.”
His hand comes around my waist, he grips me, turning me in his arms and pulling me to him, so our bodies are flush. Keeping my hands to my sides, I try to not touch him at all.
“Don’t choose it, Milanka. I didn’t run, did I? And I know all.” Shaking my head at his words he continues, “You and I… we’re damaged… beyond repair. Yet somehow, some way, our damage matches and latches on. So, don’t run.” Connick’s voice is softer, and his eyes hold the truth, but how much of his secrets can he hold. His mouth is coming down, it’s like he’s about to kiss me and he’s scared of me more than any of his words.
“Don’t,” I whisper, my eyes on his lips.
“I wouldn’t.” Nodding my head, I smile a small smile, “Tell me something, though. Why?”
“You don’t know? You seem to know everything else.” My voice is mocking, but his hands and eyes don’t change. He wants to know why. “They were all stolen. Each and every kiss. It’s the one thing, no matter my sins, that I won’t give away. They’re mine.”
“Coffee?” he asks, pulling me with him as he nods his head as a reply.
I smile, and that’s all he needs. He keeps his hand on my waist while we walk into the coffee shop, the same one where I met him.
“What are you to me?” I ask him as he orders our coffee and we walk to take a seat.
“What do you want me to be?” He’s always so serious, I wonder if one day he’ll be playful with me.
“I don’t even know.”
“Let’s leave it at that. You want me. I want you. Two people filling each other’s needs.”
“Are you using me for sex?” I ask him.
“No, and one day you will be sleeping over, for a full night without running out in the morning.”
“Running is all I’ve ever done.”
His hand comes down on my thigh. “Let’s break our barriers together.”
He goes on to tell me that Cherry wants to invite me to her girl’s night. She’s getting married, and having a bachelorette’s night that he’s paying for. He tells me she’s the only person in his life that he trusts, and that’s why she knows so much and has so much control. He’s even giving her fifty percent of his hotel chain as a wedding gift because she deserves it.
I figured it out, I figured us out without running.
We appear, then we disappear. Because that’s how we’ve been raised. Our true selves will come at you if you are close, close enough to feel it, to touch it. That side of us that would die for you, protect yo
u, give everything for you, that’s who we are. That’s why I don’t let anyone in. I gave myself, too much of myself, before, to someone who didn’t deserve it. My loyalty was taken for granted. So now it’s held tightly to my chest, and I’m afraid to let it go. He is exactly the same, I see it with the way he speaks of Cherry. Others, he wouldn’t care for, I bet he would even kill them if he had to. And still here he sits in front of me, and an overwhelming sense of enlightenment comes over me.
He would kill for me.
He would protect me, unlike any other.
Yes, we are both damaged, and if we choose to not judge that damaged part and just let it be, maybe then we can be extraordinary.
He told me to drink as he dropped me off at the bar and to have a good time. Connick said he was only a phone call away. I’ve never had anyone want to look after me before. I’ve always had myself and that isn’t enough sometimes. Sometimes you need that someone, whether you want to admit it or not.
Cherry tried to get Connick to come into the bar, he booked the whole room out for Cherry and her friends.
No strangers will be able to enter, with two bodyguards manning the door, they are to call him the minute we decide to leave. Cherry’s friends are up dancing on the bar, and I’ve managed to sip one glass of wine. Compared to their ten glasses or so, I am slow.
Cherry orders us another round as she laughs with her friends and looks to me, smiling. “He seems happier today. You both seem happier.” She came out to meet us when he dropped me off, and he even smiled at her as I got out of the car.
“Yeah, we had a discussion.” She raises her eyebrows. “We needed to sort a few things out… secrets,” I explain to her.
She nods her head. “Honey, that man will have secrets to the day he’s buried in the ground. You should be happy you know any, considering I only know a few after so many years.”
“He kept secrets from me,” I try to explain to her.
“You don’t have secrets you keep from him?” she asks, sipping her glass of wine while I stare at mine.