“Once I was well enough to travel, your father connected me with the resistance movement. I was in hiding with different small clusters of people in the woods and bombed cities for years. And when we could make enough connections to falsify my papers and get me transferred into your compound as a natural, I had no idea you or your sisters would be there. That day you saw me at your house was the last I ever saw or heard from your father,” Robert said.
I stopped tossing the rock. “So you don’t know what happened to him?”
Robert sighed. “I know. Do you want to hear that story today?”
“No. Not today.” I returned to tossing the rock back and forth. There would be time for that story another day. I didn’t know if I was brave enough to hear it at the moment.
Robert nodded, and I was grateful he didn’t push me. He would wait until I was ready. “When I first met your sister, I tried to stay away from her. But I couldn’t help it. I had to see if she was what I imagined her to be. There was so much about the outside world that let me down, so much that seemed to prove the council right, but she wasn’t one of them. How anyone could ever hate her, I will never understand.”
“She was perfect,” I agreed.
“Yes. She was. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to keep my distance. I had become too…”
“Human?” I offered.
Robert laughed. “Yeah, I guess. So I decided to be her friend.”
“I remember that. I like to think you were my friend, too. But then things changed. You broke your promise,” I charged, unable to rein in the tiny bit of anger that slipped from my lips. It stilled lived inside of me; I wondered if it always would. My eyes found Henry again.
“Tess—”
“Don’t. No matter how many times we speak about her, it will always come to this. Some part of me understands, but then there will always be a part of me that can’t forget. I know she took matters into her own hands. I’m still angry with her for that. It’s not fair that she lied to you, told you she was being safe. All she wanted was to give you a child. She didn’t think of the family she already had. She got pregnant knowing full well that in all likelihood, she would die. I know it’s hard for me to understand when I’ll never be in the same position as her…” My voice trailed off.
I could have sex if I wanted to without worrying that I would die if I got pregnant. But James and I had decided we weren’t ready. I wondered if some day I would regret that choice.
“But that doesn’t mean you won’t have to make some tough choices down the road. Love’s a funny feeling, and we do stupid things because of it. I know you miss her. I miss her. God, I miss her.” He paused. “But I won’t ever be able to explain it in a way that will make it all right. I know that—I accept it—but if there is one thing you should never doubt, it’s that I loved her.”
I chucked the rock as far as I could and got up. Robert was right. “Thanks for the talk. I know it wasn’t easy for you.” I paused, finding the strength to admit what else I needed to say. “And thank you for everything else. You didn’t ask to have the biggest brat of all time as a sister-in-law, but I couldn’t have asked for a better brother-in-law.”
“Anytime,” he said with a small smile.
I made my way to Henry. “What were you two talking about?” he asked, trying to sound indifferent.
I shrugged. “About how long it will be till we get there.”
Henry nodded and stuffed his now-empty hands in his pockets. I couldn’t help myself. I reached out and pulled his hand free, taking it in mine. “Doesn’t feel like we’re close to getting there,” I said softly, looking at the miles of woods that still lay in front of us.
Henry squeezed my hand. “No. It doesn’t feel close at all.”
…
“If you would just hear me out, I wouldn’t have to keep talking so much,” I argued, pushing my tired legs to try and catch up with the men. Robert and Henry followed behind, effectively surrounding me. I had decided it was time to lay down the groundwork for my plan to get my sister and back.
“I don’t need to hear you out, because I already know what you have to say. And you can say it in any pretty little way you want, but we’re not going to change our minds. A deal’s a deal. And we stick by our word,” McNair gruffed, pulling the strap of his gun tighter against his shoulder.
“I’m sorry, but I wasn’t told of the deal you made, which is pretty absurd considering I’m part of the trade. My sister. She’s all by herself.”
I wanted to start gathering volunteers the minute we entered the camp. Robert had told me back in an abandoned barn, just days after they rescued me from certain death, that there was a sector of the resistance movement located in our compound’s community. Surely these men who came all the way to save me were a part of it.
It pained me that I wasn’t fighting for James, too, but Louisa was my priority. I couldn’t imagine James being stuck in a life he hated—following rules without question. Suffocating any part of himself that dared to think differently in order to survive. I knew what that felt like, and I knew he wouldn’t be able to do it. And when the council found out he wasn’t just another blind, devoted solider, they would murder him for it.
But saving my sister was bigger than us.
It had to be.
McNair walked on like he couldn’t hear me. With a grunt, I pushed myself even harder, stumbling over the uneven ground to keep up with his long strides. “I think I deserve to be heard. You and your medical staff will want to poke and prod me as soon as I reach your camp. If you think I’m just going to let you without—”
McNair stopped suddenly and turned on me so quickly I almost fell into his arms. His normally stoic expression was gone. Blotches of red spread from his neck to his cheeks and his fingers tightened over the strap of his gun. “Enough. I’ve had enough.” He spoke quietly through his teeth.
I wanted to step away from him, but I knew to do so would be admitting defeat, and I couldn’t back down. Not now. I took a deep breath and lifted my chin. “You don’t—”
“I don’t believe I asked you to talk,” he snapped.
“Leave her alone. She’s got a point,” Henry said, suddenly appearing by my side. I could hear Robert moving closer to me as well.
“No. I don’t think she gets it. Let me explain to you how this will work. The only reason you’re alive right now is because we helped get you out. You think you deserve special treatment because one day you’ll bring some poor pathetic creature into a world that doesn’t make a damn bit of sense? I don’t give a crap what you can do.”
“You’re lying. I am important. Otherwise, you and your friends wouldn’t have wasted the time coming to rescue me,” I replied, embarrassed by how shaky my voice sounded. It was the only card I had to play, and I was ashamed by how quickly I’d used it.
“Tess, I think it’s best we save this conversation for later. Everyone is very tired,” Robert said as he moved to step between McNair and myself.
Choice was complicated. This life, the life the council created, dictated that I couldn’t have it all, and if I had to choose, I would always choose to go down fighting. I didn’t have time for later.
“I didn’t make the decision to bring you to our camp. And don’t fool yourself into believing you’re some messiah we’ll all bow down to. We said we would allow one natural and one chosen one to escort you for your protection. You have Henry. And Robert has been connected to the resistance for a long time. Way longer than however many minutes it took that boy to get your skirt off—”
“Watch it, old man!” Henry snapped, taking his place next to Robert. I was now completely blocked from McNair. I looked down to the ground, attempting to hide the way my cheeks burned at his insinuation.
Before anyone could speak, Eric lifted his gun and pointed it toward Henry. “I think you best watch how you talk to him, kid.” When Henry opened his mouth to reply, Eric clicked the safety off the gun.
McNair’s laugh mixed wit
h the heavy quiet that now claimed the woods. “Put the gun down, Eric. You might actually get these kids thinking we’re scared of them.” Eric didn’t hesitate to follow his leader’s order.
Any sense of a united front formed back at the training center had disappeared. McNair took a step to the side so he could see me. He sighed, rubbing his hand across the stubble that covered his face. “Can we continue walking now, or would you like to throw another useless fit?”
Henry looked back at me, defeated, urging me to just give it up. He was a fighter, but this wasn’t a battle he thought important enough to join.
Sleep.
I had nothing but a blanket for a bed in the woods. As the sun set on the wilderness I’d never feel safe in, I knew that no matter how much time I spent clearing out rocks, the ground would force its way into my back—exclaiming in its own way that this wasn’t a place where I belonged. I’d refused to sleep close to anyone those first few nights. It was my own futile attempt at claiming my independence. The feeling that independence could one day be possible was still so new to me that I felt I had to proclaim it every second that I could, just to make sure I still believed it was possible.
Most nights I spent in a fitful sleep. I didn’t wake up because of some nightmare—no, it was something worse than that. Every so often I awoke to an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Finality. I had left. James. Louisa. Everything I knew.
There had to be some way to claim yourself without having to turn everyone away. It didn’t seem like a fair trade.
That night, Henry slept ten feet from me. It was closer than the rest slept, though they also surrounded me. I had the feeling the others were giving me a wide berth after my tantrum in the woods
“Tess? You awake?” Henry whispered through the darkness.
“Why do people always ask that? If I were a light sleeper, your question alone would have woken me up,” I managed to joke.
“You all right?” he asked, choosing to ignore my sarcasm.
I sighed, pulling the thin blanket over my shoulders and turning my back toward him. “I’m tired. I just want to sleep.”
“I—”
“Don’t. I don’t want to talk about it. You don’t need to solve my problems, Henry. I’m glad you’re here, but we’re not seven anymore.” I knew I was taking my anger at McNair out on Henry, but I was beginning to resent the way he was always trying to force me to open up since we started this journey. “We don’t need to pretend we’re friends just because we’re the only two young people around.”
Henry offered a short, sarcastic laugh. “Pretend. That’s the right word. You’re so busy pretending, you can’t even tell when you’re doing it anymore.”
I flipped my body over so I could look at Henry’s face. It was hard to make it out in the blackness of the night, but I could see the moon reflect off his eyes like he was some animal lost in the wild. “What exactly is that supposed to mean?”
I could hear Henry shift, pausing before continuing. He used to do this all the time when we were little. He was so careful with his words. It was something I respected. Words used too often lost their meaning. When he spoke, I always wanted to listen.
But a lot of things had changed since then.
“I’m here now. I know I wasn’t for a while. I ran the minute things got weird back at the compound, but I’m here with you. You don’t have to pretend that you’re not scared or sad. I won’t think you’re weak.”
I shook my head and turned my back toward him again. “You’re here because you don’t have anywhere else to go.” It would only be a matter of time before Henry’s part in his girlfriend’s terrorist act would be found out. Besides, when everyone you know lies to you, it becomes easy to think nothing is real. Nothing true. Nothing authentic.
The old Tess was fighting to come back.
It would be easy to let her, but then meeting James would have meant nothing at all. I would have spit in the face of everything he taught me.
I was about to open my mouth to apologize, but the sound of McNair shooting straight up off the ground silenced me. I could hear the click of three guns before I had even scrambled to my feet.
“What’s—” A hand clamped over my mouth, and everything stilled. All of us, waiting. It was as if time itself would be defined by what happened next.
And then I heard it—the sound of people moving through the woods around us. They weren’t quiet; they didn’t need to be. What did they have to fear? They were chosen ones.
And they were looking for me.
My breath sounded too loud. I held it inside my throat, praying to God, if he was there, to help us. I could feel a drop of sweat slide down my neck. My hands shook furiously at my sides. The darkness of the night hid their numbers, but I knew they were out there. I had been right to fear the things that hid in the black of night. I had been stupid to think the worlds were separate—my old life and my new one.
Nothing was separate. These worlds would bleed together until there was nothing left.
I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, Robert’s hand on my mouth and Henry by my side. The Isolationists with their guns ready for battle. Eventually, I felt Robert’s hand relax and move from my mouth. The dawn broke, but the light didn’t feel safe. It made me feel vulnerable.
We had come so close to being caught.
Henry gave my hand a squeeze as he went to help pack up the camp. Any disagreements we’d had earlier seemed to be forgotten. No one talked. The men surrounded me as before and we began to walk.
I didn’t ask for Louisa again.
I only asked to make it out of the woods alive.
Chapter 4
“Get up! Hurry! There isn’t much time.” Her desperation had filled the house unchecked that night. I could hear Emma entreating my mother to calm down.
My father’s voice had been absent more and more during those last couple of months before he was taken. I never could understand what drew him from our house during the night. It used to be his job to calm my mother during one of her nighttime fits, but as he delved deeper into a part of the world I never knew about, disappearing into the secret network of the resistance movement, it was left up to Emma to stand watch over my mother day and night. My mother had always had a problem with alcohol, but my father’s absence was making it harder. She was the one who was supposed to be taking care of us, but she acted too much like a child.
I used to wake up often in the middle of the night. Even then, at such a young age, I was shamed by my emotions. I felt weak whenever a nightmare woke me. I never reached for Emma, who shared my bed, but I always felt the tiniest bit better knowing she was there.
In those last days in our house, I often woke to find Emma gone.
I sluggishly pulled myself out of bed and opened the door. The first thing I saw was Louisa—who hated to be away from my mother’s side, who shared my mother’s bed, who chased after her as if she always knew somewhere deep down that our mother would leave us, and leave us of her own free will. My little sister sat against the wall across from me, her knees pulled to her chest, and her much-too-thin face streaked with tears.
“Please, Mom, just calm down. We don’t have to go for hours. Let’s get the children back to sleep and make you some coffee,” I heard Emma beg, her voice coming from the kitchen.
“You don’t understand. They’ll be making their decisions then. They’ll be judging, and we have to make sure we all look our best. We certainly can’t trust that your father will watch after us. It will be just us girls!” Louisa jumped at the shrill noise that issued from my mother’s lips. She had a beautiful voice, and it always struck me as odd to hear it so distorted, consumed by these moments of drunkenness.
I forced my feet to move toward the sounds of my mother’s broken symphony. Emma had her propped up in a chair, one hand against her shoulder holding her in place, while the other hand smoothed her hair. Emma was on her knees, peering up at my mother as one would a child who had scraped her kn
ee while playing outside—mimicking the mother she never got to have and the mother she’d never get to be. “It’s just a shot to boost our immune systems. With the food supplies running short these days, the council wants to make sure we’re getting the vitamins we need.”
“What, so they can produce mass quantities of shots but can’t produce enough food for us to eat?” my mother scoffed.
Emma didn’t hesitate in answering. “You know the war takes larger portions of our lands every week. Besides, food distribution is too large of a project for the council to undertake right now. It’s so much simpler this way.”
“Simpler. Simpler is not always better, Joan.” Her voice rose in pitch. I had never met my grandmother, and this voice was the only thing I ever knew about her. Joan was my mother’s name, and somehow in these moments of delirium, she channeled my grandmother. When she began speaking in this tone, we all knew it was only a matter of time before she passed out.
Mother’s head fell forward. Right on cue. Emma caught it in her hands and lifted it to look into her eyes. I felt Louisa beside me. She tried grabbing for my hand, but I pushed it away. Louisa was one of the last naturals born in our sector, and somehow Mother’s condition got worse after she was born.
“Mommy, I’m tired. Can we go to bed now?” Louisa asked quietly, her voice catching on the hiccups her earlier crying had caused.
My mother pulled her head up, snatching it quickly from Emma’s hands. “Come here, my sweet girl,” she said, holding her shaking hand toward Louisa, who didn’t have to be told twice. She ran to my mother, nearly knocking Emma down in the process. My mother held her against her chest. “Repeat it back to me, Louisa. Like a good girl. Just like I taught you.”
Naturals (Lost Souls) Page 4