I could see hesitation in his eyes. He cleared his throat and slowly placed his hands on my waist. I should have moved away. I could feel the electricity in the air, but I didn’t want to move one inch from him. I placed my hand lightly on his shoulder, hoping to urge him on. His free hand grabbed mine.
I still had the memories.
He didn’t need to be completely gone from me.
“What’s that noise? I think it’s coming from behind the shed,” Henry said, pulling me from my thoughts of the boy I wished was walking next to me—the boy who would have asked me to dance.
I paused and forced my ears to pick out the noise, separating it from the symphony of the night air. Henry started to move slowly toward the source.
“I wouldn’t go investigating if I were you,” Lockwood warned, an air of indifference ringing in his voice.
Henry, being who he was, didn’t listen. He disappeared behind the shed, and in a matter of moments, I heard a girl’s shriek and a boy’s voice boom across the open space that separated us. Henry reappeared with his hands up and his face beet red. Lockwood started to laugh—a big laugh, the kind that caused him to bend over, hands on knees, fighting to catch his breath. A girl and boy followed behind Henry. The boy wasn’t wearing a shirt, and I couldn’t help but notice his pants were unbuttoned. The girl’s long blond hair was everywhere. She looked like she had gotten caught in a tornado. She held a much-too-large shirt over her chest, her shoulders and arms glistening in the pale moonlight. All I could think about was how cold she probably was.
“What the hell is your problem?” the boy yelled at Henry.
“I’m…I’m s-sorry,” he stammered. “I thought someone was hurt.”
“Did it look like I was hurting her?” the boy yelled. The girl started to giggle. Her laughter mixed with Lockwood’s.
“What the hell you laughing at, Wood?” the boy asked, turning his attention to Lockwood.
“Settle down, man. It was more at their reaction than anything else,” he replied.
“We were just having a bit of fun,” the girl said, her voice all breathy. Henry had gone still, staring. I wondered if he liked looking at her.
“Not their kind of fun. I wasn’t laughing at you. I promise,” Lockwood said, attempting to pacify the situation.
“Clearly,” the boy replied. He grabbed the girl’s hand and pushed past Lockwood.
“These people,” Henry muttered, shaking his head.
“What were they doing back there?” I asked. “I mean, I think I know, but aren’t they…you know…worried about…”
“Getting pregnant?” Lockwood asked. “You know there are other things people can do besides having sex.”
I cleared my throat. “Of course, I know that.” I didn’t. I knew there was kissing and I felt things when James and I had touched…but what else was there?
“Do you?” Lockwood asked quietly. It was one of those rare moments where all attempts at hilarity had disappeared, and he sounded like he really cared.
“Leave her alone. We didn’t all grow up here,” Henry snapped.
“Right. Our way is heathen. Not the deny-you-feel-anything-at-all-so-you-go-crazy ideology. Last time I checked, your women were dying off and dying off fast,” Lockwood said. He took a deep breath before continuing. “Our ideas about our bodies and sex aren’t the same ones you were taught. Yes, we know the dangers. There are very few of us here that even have mothers left. The number of people who ran from the council in the early days was nothing compared to the people who gravitated to the new government. Women were expected to try. So, a lot of us lost our mothers.”
“Do they still try?” Henry asked, his voice dull and empty. I wondered if he was thinking of his ex-girlfriend, Julia. Even if she hadn’t committed treason, she would have died during childbirth. She had gotten pregnant by one of the chosen ones during her time at Templeton. Perhaps Henry had never loved her at all; maybe he just saw another girl he needed to save.
“Not so much anymore. And they teach us all about sex from the moment we can even understand the word. They tell us everything. Partly in hopes that if they talk us to death about it, it will lose its allure, and then we won’t ever have it. But they also inform us about ways to prevent getting pregnant. People here aren’t ashamed to talk about it. And forget being modest about a little nakedness.”
Neither Henry nor I had much more to say on the subject. Lockwood started humming his song again as he led us back to our lodgings. All I felt walking back to the room was embarrassment. I didn’t feel it for the people we caught, though. I felt it for myself.
Things for the other Tess didn’t go so well, either. Henry and I didn’t talk much about the night’s events, instead quickly delving back into our nightly reading. Tess’s mother sent her to the home of a supposedly rich relative to seek out her family’s fortune. Despite her many protests that she didn’t want to go, she went on the journey. And her whole life changed as a result.
Then there was the incident in the woods.
“So…did he…rape her?” I whispered to Henry through the darkness. I wasn’t sure why I was so intent on being quiet. It wasn’t like I had to worry about waking Robert. Since arriving, I hadn’t seen much of him. He always returned to the room after we left and was gone before we woke up. The only reason I knew he had been in the room at all was the apples he left on the dresser. How he secured extra food, I wasn’t sure.
Besides, it just felt easier to whisper about such things than to speak them aloud.
“It’s hard to say. It’s all written to be pretty ambiguous,” Henry said.
“She didn’t know,” I whispered back.
“She didn’t know what?” he asked.
“How to say no,” I answered. “Maybe the way they do things here isn’t so wrong.”
“Maybe not.”
That next evening was our building’s turn to take the weekly baths. We stood in a single file line as we waited. I sighed and tapped my foot impatiently as the line inched closer and closer to the baths at an excruciatingly slow pace. I was already nervous, and every second I had to wait caused my palms to sweat.
“There are three baths. You get ten minutes,” Lockwood said from behind me.
There was nothing private about this bathing experience. Curtains had protected the showers at the compound, but here, three metal baths stood right out in the open behind our building. I scanned the line of people to gauge their reactions. They simply looked tired. Apparently, this was a common practice.
Not to mention how cold it was. It didn’t seem healthy to douse oneself with water in such freezing temperatures, but no one seemed to be concerned. I still wasn’t feeling quite myself. Every morning when I woke up, I was greeted with a round of painful coughs. Usually by midmorning I felt better. And then there were the two occasions I thought I saw my mother. I was worried I wasn’t getting enough water or something, because obviously I was delusional.
Then there was the other fear. I was different. There was no need to deny that. Would they be able to tell just by looking at me? It’s not like I had a lot of experience with nudity; maybe I was strange in ways I had no clue about.
My face heated up as two men and one girl stepped out of their respective tubs. Completely and utterly naked. They moved without shame and took the towel offered to them by the next person waiting their turn. I stole a glance at Henry, whose eyes were wide, mouth open.
My eyes darted quickly to their bodies as they dried themselves off. I couldn’t stop myself.
Henry coughed, and my eyes went right back to the ground in front of me. Was he still looking? I wasn’t entirely sure, but I always wondered whether Julia and Henry might have been…intimate. Julia had gotten pregnant during her time at Templeton, which meant she was dead the moment she let one of the chosen ones into her life, but it also meant that if she and Henry had sex, well, it would have no effect, since the damage had already been done. There was no reason they shouldn’t have
been…close.
I could hear Lockwood stifling a laugh behind me.
“Be quiet,” I whispered.
“Would you like for me to explain how it works?” he asked, clearly amused.
I reluctantly nodded.
“They go three at a time. They only change the water out after two people go in unless it’s really dirty. The pails next to the tubs are what we use to dump and fill them. There’s a well down the hill for the water. You get ten minutes. When you’re done, you’ll take your clothes to building two and wash them while you dry off. You’ll hang them outside your window to dry.”
“And there’s nowhere to…” My voice trailed off.
“Hide? No.” Lockwood patted me on the back. “Well, you did proclaim in a pretty dramatic fashion that this was your new home. Now is as good a time as any to try out the local customs.”
I could feel them—all of the naturals behind me in line, watching. Waiting to see how I would react. No doubt, news of my outburst had spread through the small community. Lockwood had said that everyone had seen how Henry and I turned our noses up at their housing when we entered the community. Would this be yet another thing they could hold against us?
This was my new home—that was a fact. I needed these people’s trust if I really intended to go back for Louisa. And it wasn’t like it would be the first time I would be naked in front of a group of people. During my inspection, I’d had to strip in front of the medical staff that poked and prodded me. I had been a different girl back then. I hadn’t even known myself, but somewhere between falling in love with James and going on the run, I had found her. I was more than this body I carried around. It would never be as beautiful as that of a chosen one, but I refused to let its differences make me an outcast any longer.
I had nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe these naturals, these people who broke away from the society that had made me, had the right idea. Maybe their way was better. But I would never know until I tried.
When my turn came, I stepped boldly to the tub. I didn’t turn my back to the crowd but faced them with my head up. I willed my hands to keep from shaking as I unbuttoned my blouse and pulled down my skirt. I didn’t dare look at Henry, but I felt him next to me.
I looked at them.
I wanted them to see me watching them right back.
As I stepped into the bath, I suppressed the shudder of pleasure that ran through my body. I sank myself lower and lower into the water until it covered me wholly. I let it wash away the dirt—the many layers of grime that covered me from my long journey to this place. As I emerged from the water, I felt different. New. I found Lockwood offering me a towel. I pulled it tight around me and grabbed my clothes.
“Welcome home, Tess,” he said with a sincere smile.
It was difficult, but I returned his smile.
Chapter 12
“You sure you trust these people?” Henry asked.
“Why are you always trying to talk her out of having fun?” Lockwood said, dangling the blindfold in front of my face.
“Are we getting the game going or not?” a boy yelled over to us.
Ever since my public bathing, things had started to improve. A series of storms had impeded our work in the farm over the past week, so we were left to fill ample free time. When they had informed us that we wouldn’t have to head to the fields, I had expected the community’s dirt roads to be empty. I’d thought the hardworking people would choose to sleep away their days—a wondrous vacation from the long hours of tedious work that consumed their every waking moment. But that wasn’t the case—at least not with the kids my age. They wanted to play. Embrace their freedom and not waste it.
They wanted to be teenagers.
The teenagers I’d always dreamed about.
When Lockwood had knocked on our door asking if we wanted to tag along, Henry had been less inclined to join the crowd. He’d said he would rather stay in and read more, but I continued to be haunted by what happened to the fictional Tess, and I needed a break from her life. After the incident between her and Alec in the woods, I was hesitant to read more of her story. Whether what happened to her was rape or just her own ignorance of her right to assert herself, it left me feeling weak. Exposed. Angry. How many girls had never been taught to say no? The book was written hundreds of years before my time, and I wondered if her same story would be doomed to repeat itself throughout history—a never-ending tale of girls trapped by what someone else decided for them.
I knew what it was to live that life. I saw what it could do to someone. I helped hide it simply because someone demanded it of me. During one of my early days at Templeton, my supervisor, Gwen, had forced me to help her clean up the wounds of a girl who had been attacked. Gwen had injected her with something until the girl’s cries had ceased, and I would always wonder if she’d merely quieted them for a time or if she’d stopped them so no one would hear them. Later, I found out it was George who had attacked the girl. Where James was so afraid to touch me, to cross those unspoken lines, George took what he wanted and boasted about it. I’ll never forget the sight of the girl George had attacked. Her bruised and bloodied body will haunt me forever.
But it all could be different here. I had to believe that.
Lockwood, Henry, and I had joined a group of ten teenagers from the Isolationist outpost. Guns in hand, the stronger of the boys and girls led us out of the gates. I couldn’t help but smile at the girls as I walked by. It made me proud to see them standing alongside the men who protected us.
I was surprised the guards patrolling the boundaries let us leave, merely asking one of the boys in the group how long we were expecting to be gone and checking their guns to make sure they were properly loaded. When I asked Lockwood why we were allowed to go, he laughed. He said no one was a prisoner here. It was our choice to leave the safety of the community and face the consequences of forgoing its protection.
When we’d entered the clearing a few miles away, I certainly hadn’t thought we would be playing a game of tag. It seemed so childish. These young people spent their days breaking their backs in the fields, constantly worrying where their next meal would come from or if their borders were safe, but here in these woods, they just wanted to be kids. So when someone asked who would go first, I volunteered. I figured it was a good way to show them I wanted to be part of the group.
I bounced up and down on the balls of my feet as Lockwood stepped behind me to tie on the blindfold. While the temperature had wildly fluctuated between warm to cool during our travels and first couple weeks at our new home, a raw coldness had now settled onto the land.
Once the blindfold was securely fastened over my eyes, Lockwood explained that the others would move around me in the clearing, making noise. I was to follow their voices in an attempt to locate and tag them. It all sounded kind of lame to me, but I was willing to try it out.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
I wondered what James was doing right then. Had he been reassigned to a new training center? Punished because he had never been able to repeat the council’s lies about my people during his training? Stuck in a life he so desperately wanted to escape from? Did he still read? Play music? Was he thinking of me?
Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.
I couldn’t think about him.
Yet he crept more and more into my thoughts.
I wanted him here with me. I wanted that moment when it had snowed and we’d chased each other around, so carefree. So happy.
“You’re supposed to be having fun, James. Snow means fun. Don’t make me show you,” I said, reaching down to grab a handful of the snow and raising my arm to aim it at him.
James cracked a smile. “You’re not planning on throwing that at me, are you? I’m a chosen one. My reflexes might just be a little faster than yours. You sure you’re serious about taking me on?”
I lowered my arm and took a step closer to him. “I’ll take you on,” I whispered as I lifted my chin, leaning toward him.
It suddenly felt foolish to be playing games right then. I wondered if I should have felt bad about having fun when those I loved continued to suffer.
Ten.
No. I was building trust.
I would get Louisa back. I couldn’t think of James. It was useless. If I got Louisa back it would be enough. I couldn’t ask for more.
The noise of the others rushed into my ears. Some yelled out my name while a few yelped and whistled. I stood as still as possible, trying to pick out Henry’s or Lockwood’s voice. If I were going to stumble around trying to grab anyone, I’d rather it was someone I was comfortable with. The longer I stood still, the closer the others came to me. I could feel their breath on my neck as they stepped up behind me, taunting me to catch them, but no matter how fast I shot out my arms to grab one of them, I was too slow.
“You might want to trying actually moving around,” Lockwood yelled from somewhere ahead of me. I sighed and stepped gingerly forward. Despite the cold, my palms were sweaty and my stomach dropped. I didn’t like not being able to see. It reminded me of when I had been taken by two snatchers while trying to escape Templeton. They had placed a bag over my head. I still remembered how my heart had pounded so hard against my chest that I thought it would break right through. I couldn’t shake the memory despite the light nature of the game. It didn’t help that my body began to shiver. If the others were cold, they sure weren’t complaining.
“Atta girl! Keep moving. Put one foot in front of the other,” Lockwood called out, laughing.
“What’s that? Are you trying to let your girlfriend catch you? No cheating!” a girl yelled out.
“Hardly my girlfriend, Charlotte,” Lockwood said to her. I began to move forward.
“Yeah, she’s not his type. He’s waiting on his soul mate,” someone called out as he ran by me. I spun around as quickly as I could, jutting out my arm, but came up with nothing.
Soul mate? I hadn’t heard anyone use that term besides James.
Naturals (Lost Souls) Page 10