“Maybe it’s not worth it.”
“It’s always worth it,” I countered.
James sighed. I stood on the tips of my toes and kissed him on the cheek, and a few people behind us made gagging noises. I whipped around, ready to tell them off. I understood their resentment, but that didn’t mean I had to sit back, silent.
I felt it before I saw it. A wave of clumpy, watery substance had been spilled over the top of my head. It ran down my face and onto my neck, running in streams down my arms and legs. Masses of the substance stuck to me, decorating me like a poorly designed birthday cake.
“What the—” I heard Henry yell across the line of people that separated us.
“Shit deserves to be treated like shit,” leered a middle-aged man.
I was going to throw up. The smell was moving up my nose; I was dripping with it. I stumbled away from James. James took a step toward me and I took another step back. I didn’t want it to touch him, not a single damn drop. While a few people were laughing, most had fallen silent.
Everything after happened in slow motion. I watched as James looked from me to the man who had dumped the bucket over my head, and then back to me. I recognized the look in his eyes because I had seen it twice before. The first time was during his fight with George. The second was when he begged for me to give him a second chance, urged me to see past the reason for his creation and discover the man he truly was.
Desperation and love were a dangerous combination.
And James was a chosen one.
He could kill this man in a matter of seconds. I had seen it happen. I’d watched as Robert snapped the neck of Kendall, James’s creator, without breaking a sweat. Kendall had made a deal: he would turn us in to gain favor with the council. When we had discovered his betrayal, Robert had ended his life. It was one secret I wasn’t sure I would ever share with James. Kendall was the closest he had ever come to having a father.
Suddenly, Henry was by our side. One hand clamped down on James’s shoulder, and the other braced against his chest. “It’s what they want, man.”
“Then I’ll give it to them,” James growled.
“If you do, they’ll finally have their excuse to kill you, and that will kill her!” Henry said.
I looked between the two of them and I could see the entire situation play itself out. James would kill the man who did this to me. Henry would try to step in to stop them from taking James. Both would end up punished.
It wasn’t worth it.
“Get him out of here, Henry,” I begged. He was right. This was more than simple ignorance; this was meant to get a rise out of James. They wanted him dead.
They wanted blood.
“Damn you all!” James screamed at the top of his lungs before letting Henry drag him away.
“Come on, I’ll help you get cleaned up,” a woman’s voice said from behind me. I turned around to find Sharon. Despite my being covered in excrement, she held out a hand for me to take. I wanted to grab her hand, hold on to someone, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t share my punishment with this woman who, for some reason, went out of her way to be kind and nurturing to me.
We only got a few feet before the crowd began to talk all at once. I was glad I couldn’t make out what they were saying; I just wanted them to fade away. Suddenly, a woman screamed. I spun around to see Lockwood on top of the man who had done this to me. He was pounding the man’s face with punches, his arm reaching back and down, back and down, each time coming up with more and more blood.
It took several men to pull Lockwood off.
I mouthed to him two words: Thank you. I would never be able to express just how deep my gratitude ran for him. He was a true friend, and I would forever be in his debt. Despite his bruised and bloodied face, Lockwood smiled at me.
I figured no one would ever call Lockwood weak again.
Chapter 26
“You can leave your clothes over there by the door. We might be able to save them,” Sharon said, her back turned to me. Apparently, besides being a place to serve food to the masses, provide sub-par health care, and unfairly imprison people, the dining hall also stored an extra bathtub.
I willed my hands to stop shaking as I slowly peeled off my soiled clothes. It was silly, really, but I didn’t want to touch them. I was covered in muck, yet I was so hesitant to put my hands on the filth, even though it couldn’t possibly have made me dirtier than I already was.
The heavy clothes slopped off and fell to the floor with a wet smack. I stood naked and shivering as Sharon finished filling the tub. “Why don’t you put this tub out there with the others?” I asked through chattering teeth.
“Can’t use all your resources at once, Tess. What if something happened to those, and we didn’t have a backup?” she asked, turning to face me. “Living in a place like this, you gotta think about stuff like that.”
I’m not sure why, but I suddenly felt embarrassed with Sharon staring at me. As much as I went around embracing the openness of the community, I still had some reservations about how much these people shunned the idea of modesty. I crossed my arms awkwardly over my chest.
Sharon chuckled to herself and motioned for me to move to the tub. I lifted my foot to step in, but she held up a hand to halt me. “Whoa. We need to get as much of this off you as we can before you get in there. Don’t want you to just sit in a watery tub of filth. Then we will wipe you down again and fill up the tub a second time.”
“Seems like a lot of work,” I said quietly, wondering why she continued to be so nice to me when I had done nothing but insult her and her life choices. The kindness Sharon had shown me made me feel childish, ungrateful, and I was embarrassed by my own stubbornness.
I wasn’t so different than the people at the baths who had done this to me; I had unfairly judged Sharon without getting to know her.
Sharon shrugged. “I don’t want you getting sick on me again.”
She handed me a towel, and we both went to work. She bent down and started wiping the sludge off my legs while I focused on the upper half of my body. While it smelled, working with the animals had built up a tolerance in me, and I was never more thankful for my job assignment.
“Are you sure you should be doing this?” I asked her, motioning to her abdomen, as I stepped into the tub.
“Oh, because of this?” she asked, placing a hand over the bump. “I’ll be fine. Not my first time.”
I rubbed the towel against my hair. “How…how many children do you have? I mean, you don’t need to tell me. It’s really none of my business.”
“Including this one here, I will have given birth to eight. Five have survived.”
I swallowed. “What happened to the others? I thought you could…”
“Just because we can give birth doesn’t mean anyone can guarantee the child’s survival. We or our children will never be invincible.”
“What happened to them?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t being too forward with my questions.
“Not enough food or medicine. That’s part of the life out here. My first couple years in the community were rough. It used to frustrate me to no end. I grew up in a compound, and I wasn’t used to wanting anything. At least not when it came to common necessities,” she explained.
“Do you ever regret coming to live out here?”
“Do you?”
I ran my hand across the top of the water, watching as the small ripples became larger and larger. “No. Not at all. I miss my sister, who I had to leave behind, but that’s my only regret. Living back there wasn’t a life.”
I couldn’t wait any longer. It was time to go. I had lost myself for a few days in the brief euphoria brought on by James’s return to my life, but time was running out. For better or worse, I wasn’t part of this community. I needed to make my own place somewhere. To get back what was left of my family.
“And here is better?” she asked, using a small bucket to dump water over my head. Her hands went to work washing my hair, making
sure every last ounce of the putrid substance was gone.
I shook my head. I wasn’t sure she really wanted to hear what I had to say. I had opened my mouth about the hypocrites of this place and look what the result was. Clearly the people who lived in the community were very protective of their home.
“You can say it. I won’t tell anyone,” she teased me.
“In a lot of ways here is better. I like working outside and not having to worry about the consequences of reading a book if I choose to. But it’s not so different than living in the compound, either.”
I paused, enjoying the warmth of the water on my skin. It was amazing to me that I could actually feel clean after being covered head to toe in that filth.
“And what is it that you don’t like about living here?” Sharon said, bringing my attention back to the topic at hand. She was certainly interested in my views, and had I been a little younger, less experienced, I would have found this suspicious. But I had learned that some people were just genuinely interested in your well-being, and for some reason, it appeared Sharon was interested in mine.
I leaned my head back against the rim of the tub and closed my eyes. “It’s my own fault, really. You hear rumors about the Isolationists, and you’re led to believe they’re crazy people who have thrown off all forms of government. The council made sure to spread these rumors, so they could keep us trapped. And for most of my life, I did fear the Middlelands. That much freedom seemed overwhelming. But as we got closer and closer to the community, I began to hope the rumors were true. The council’s laws did nothing to protect me. I still lost people I loved, and I still hurt. So, what good were all these laws that I had no say in forming?”
I looked down at my hands, which were starting to wrinkle from sitting in the bath so long. It made me think of the way the body marked time. I looked up at the woman next to me, who was listening so intently. My mother, had she lived, wouldn’t have been much older than Sharon. I cleared my throat and looked away.
“But living here, I began to realize that idea of freedom didn’t exist. I’m not saying having rules, boundaries, is such a terrible thing, but I don’t want to live trapped in ideologies I don’t subscribe to,” I said. “I came here because it was the only place I had to go. And that’s what makes me upset. I would have nowhere to go if I didn’t stay here. So, really, it’s not much different than living under the council’s thumb. The war, all the decisions generations before me made, I have to suffer for them,” I said, lifting my face to defiantly meet Sharon’s eyes. “And I can’t help but wonder if there has ever been a place where freedom truly has existed? I think freedom is what mankind fears most in the world. When you’re free, you can’t blame anyone or anything for who you become.”
“You’re a very wise girl. Did you know that?”
I shifted so I could look at Sharon, who was moving about the small room disposing of the dirty towels. “They’re going to hate me forever, aren’t they?”
Sharon paused and looked at me, her eyes kind and sympathetic. She dropped the towels into a pile to be discarded and walked back over to me, taking a seat in a wooden chair not far from the tub.
I couldn’t help but think of another wooden chair. A broken one. The one in which I sat while my sister screamed in agony during childbirth. I looked away from Sharon again, unable to stare at her without thinking of the other women who helped shape me.
Sharon reached out a hand for me, but something in my face made her pull it back. “Hate is a pretty strong emotion to carry through your life. I think most people, in time, will move past it. But there will always be people who hold on to hate. It’s easier for some to hate than love.”
“You ever think they were right about us?” I asked.
“Who?”
“The council,” I replied. After some of the things I had seen over the past couple of months, I could see why the council called us weak and slaves to our emotions.
“I think they took our greatest fears about ourselves and manipulated us with them. You take something like fear and magnify it, and people will do anything to make it go away.”
“You’re a pretty smart woman. Did you know that?” I said.
“You want me to put on those?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“They’re called pants, Tess.”
“But they’re for men. Girls don’t wear them.”
“Says the girl who dreams of a free world,” Sharon replied, placing the pants in my hand. “Besides, I don’t have any clothes that will fit you. I might be able to find you some in the morning, but this is the best I can do now.”
I pulled my towel tighter around me and took a deep breath, eyeing the pants I held. Sharon laughed softly. “I’m going to see if I can get us some food. I’ll be right back.”
I waited until Sharon had left before trying on the clothes. The pants, though awkward, fit me surprisingly well. It was odd to me that, despite being just as covered as I would have been wearing a skirt, I felt exposed. The pants outlined the newly formed muscles of my legs and showed that I had an actual shape. The shirt, on the other hand, was a bit too big. Too long to tuck in, it fell almost to my knees, and the sleeves went way past my wrists. After rolling them to my elbows, I took a look at myself in the mirror.
I didn’t look atrocious. Checking to make sure I was still alone, I bent and lunged in front of the mirror, seeing how much freedom the pants gave me. It was so much easier to move around without the heavy skirt weighing me down. I jumped in the air several times, making the most ridiculous poses when I landed. Soon, I found myself giggling.
Sharon had asked me to stay with her for the night just in case I had shown any signs of getting sick from the day’s events. Her room was loud, to say the least. Her five boisterous children ranged from a toddler to a girl in her early teens. They all ran to hug her as she entered the room, but said very little to me. No doubt, they were confused about how to react to my presence. They must have heard rumors about me, and yet their mother seemed to welcome me.
It was enough to confuse any child.
As I lay down on a makeshift bed of pillows and blankets, I watched the family scene unfold before me. There was a general resemblance shared among the children, but it was clear they all didn’t all have the same father.
I would never fully understand how Sharon could give herself to these men purely in hopes of saving a people that seemed doomed, but I knew, if I wanted, she would tell me. I just wasn’t ready for that conversation quite yet.
Once she got the younger children asleep, Sharon took a seat next to me on the floor. “Are you comfortable? Can I get you anything?”
“I’m fine. Thank you.” I smiled. “You have beautiful children.”
And she did. More importantly, she loved them. It was clear in the way she kissed their foreheads as she tucked them into bed, or listened to her eldest daughter ramble on about some boy who had slighted her. Maybe I would never agree with the reasons these children were conceived, but I was glad they had Sharon as a mom.
I held Tess of the D’Urbervilles in my hands, casually flipping through the pages. James had given it to Sharon for me when she’d gone out to get food. He’d known I would need a comfort from home. My heart ached to see him, and I couldn’t help but smile knowing I would in the morning. He wasn’t stuck in some compound miles and miles from me. We were together now.
I knew that when I asked him to leave in the morning, to rescue Louisa, he would go without question. Whatever happened next, we would be there for each other. Without question. Without a second thought.
“May I talk to you about something?” Sharon asked, gently taking the book from me.
“Sure.” I nodded. It was the least I owed her.
“I think what you did for the chosen one was real brave, and I’m glad that things worked out for you two. But the reality of the situation is you’re a woman now. And you have made it very clear your thoughts on motherhood. So, I think it’s time someone had the
talk with you.”
“The talk?” I squeaked.
“Sex. I think it’s time we talk about sex.”
Chapter 27
“So, the morning, then?” James asked.
I nodded. “There’s no use waiting anymore. I thought that maybe I could convince some of the others to help, but things are getting worse here, not better. I’m sure that Robert will go with us.”
“And Henry?”
“He’ll go,” I said quietly. Despite the shambles that our relationship was now in, I knew Henry would go with us. I just knew it. I tried to ignore the way my eyes pricked with tears, thinking of the way I’d treated him. I’d warned him that I would hurt him, and I had kept my promise.
I didn’t deserve his friendship, and he didn’t deserve mine. We had both betrayed each other; we were both to blame.
“Did something happen between you and Henry?” James asked suddenly.
There was a lot in the world that threatened to keep James and me apart. We were brought up in two totally different worlds. The council and naturals alike had only disdain for our relationship. He was created to kill, to help shape a new world where perfection wasn’t strived for, it was the norm. I was born for nothing. To disappear. Sometimes it felt like the whole universe was conspiring to keep us apart, but that was a foolish line of thinking.
Humans.
Frail, mortal humans were to blame for it all.
I wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes as the rest of my species. I had a choice to make. It was a risk, but so was much of life. I could tell James the truth and risk him hating me for it, or I could lie. But the lie would always be there between us. James told me he wanted me to start a new life and I had. And it wasn’t something I should feel ashamed about.
“Yes.”
A simple declaration.
James fell silent. I searched for any sign of emotion on his face, but he remained stoic. “Is it over?” he asked after an interminable amount of time.
Naturals (Lost Souls) Page 20