by Mark Gimenez
I found Mom at the kitchen table eating a bran muffin and drinking a cup of coffee. She was already dressed in her scrubs. She had to work because women had babies even on holidays. She seemed sad, but I knew it wasn't because she had to work on Labor Day.
She missed Dad.
They always woke up early and had their coffee together. When I came downstairs, they would be smiling and laughing and having fun—since like, five-thirty in the morning! She said it was their quiet time together to talk about the day, their schedules, our schedules, who would be there when we got home from school, that sort of stuff. Now Mom had her morning coffee alone.
"Hi, Mom."
She wiped her eyes then looked up. "Morning, Max. Did you have a good night's sleep?"
"Uh, yeah."
I could tell she hadn't.
"Help Scarlett with Maddy today. And no alien talk, it might scare her. Okay?"
She was acting as if this were just another day like any other day. She would go to the hospital and women would have their babies and the new dads would hand out cigars and stand at the nursery window and point at their new sons and daughters who would be wrapped up like papooses and everyone would be all excited about the new babies just as if all were perfect in the world—as if there weren't aliens living next door who were trying to take over our planet and make us their slaves!
"Okay."
Mom left out the back door. I fixed a bowl of Cheerios. I needed a nutritious breakfast because I had work to do. I ate my cereal and thought, What would Dad do? I wasn't sure, but I knew he'd do something. He wouldn't let aliens take over Earth without a fight! He'd fight to save the world! That's what Dad would do. That's what heroes do. That's what I would do.
But first I had to poop.
But how? Not poop. Save the world. I grabbed a pencil and a little notebook and went into the bathroom. Normally I read on the toilet. Usually a Star Wars book, but lately I've been reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid. But today I didn't have time to laugh at Greg's antics.
I needed a plan to save the world.
I also needed toilet paper. Dang. I hate it when you've already sat on the toilet and gotten all comfortable and then you realize the TP roll is empty. So I got up and waddled over to the sink and found a new roll in the cabinet below. Then I waddled back to the toilet. I got comfortable again.
I made notes of what I knew and what I needed to know. One, I knew that the aliens had not yet decided if they even wanted Earth for their parts or Earthlings for their labor; Norbert's dad was still evaluating us. And B, that meant we had some time. But how much time? Norbert said his dad would make his recommendation and then their government would make a decision—he figured that would take perhaps two months. But it might take less time. And three, how could we stop him? It? Them? Whatever they were.
That's all I knew. I needed to know more. I had my work cut out for me.
I wondered if I were up to the task. I mean, I was the man of the house now, so I was supposed to act like a man—and I don't mean hitting the wall in anger. I had to put my anger aside to save the world. I had to think this out. I had to do what a man would do. I had to be like my dad. I had to be brave like him. I had to be a hero like him. I had to … dang.
I had to flush the toilet.
Scarlett was getting her beauty sleep, and Maddy—who went to sleep in her own bed but always woke up in Mom's—had crawled into bed with Scarlett when Mom had gotten up, so I went downstairs and checked outside. Norbert was sitting on our front porch steps. I stepped outside and sat next to him. I had a hard time getting my head around the fact that I was sitting next to an alien from outer space! It was cool and scary at the same time. But the harder thing was that I had to save the world from him—from my friend who had saved me from the bullies and Butch. Talk about conflict!
"Hey, Norbert."
"Whazzup, dude?"
"You're up early."
"We do not sleep like you do, but we try not to arouse suspicion, so we turn off the lights during your nights."
"Good thinking."
"You told your mother and Scarlett about me."
"Uh … well … yeah. Sorry."
Norbert smiled. "You are an interesting life form, human beings."
"Is that a compliment?"
"Oh, yes. I have met many different life forms in my years. Humans are the most interesting yet."
"Are there lots of life forms out there?"
"Many. Only humans think they are alone in the universe."
"I had to tell my mom. I mean, your government might conquer us and make us your slaves in a couple months. She should know."
"She did not believe you."
"No. They never believe me."
"No one will believe you." He shrugged. "It is of no consequence. There is nothing humans can do to stop us, if my government decides to conquer Earth."
"Why aren't our germs killing you, like in War of the Worlds?"
Norbert frowned. "What war was that? I do not recall reading about such a war when studying Earth?"
"Oh, it wasn't a real war. It was another movie war, like Star Wars. Creatures from another planet invade Earth and Tom Cruise can't stop them, but our germs do."
Norbert smiled. "Max, that is science fiction. This is real. And we are immune to all germs and diseases on Earth. We checked first."
"So you didn't have to get the swine flu shot? That's lucky. So how'd you get here? Did you beam down from your mother ship?"
"Beam down?"
"You know, like in Star Trek?"
Norbert shook his head. "No, we do not beam. We arrived in our spaceship."
"Cool. Can I see it?"
"Sure. It is in a mini-storage unit."
"So it's not real big?"
"No. It is a compact. More fuel efficient."
"Like our hybrids."
"I'll give you a ride."
"Thanks. So how old are you, Norbert?"
"In your time, about two hundred years."
"But you look like a kid."
"Max, this is a disguise. I do not look like this. But I am young, in our time. My father is a thousand years old."
"Wow. Where's he at today?"
"The hospital."
"He's sick?"
Norbert smiled. "No. He is researching your doctors. He said they are very intelligent humans."
"So he's investigating our smart people?"
"Yes. Doctors, professors, scientists … we need millions of laborers who are intelligent enough to operate our technology, but my father was surprised how few scientists there are on Earth. Do young humans not want to study and become scientists when they grow up?"
"They study to become athletes."
"Why?"
"There's a lot more money and fame in sports than science."
"Odd. On my planet, scientists are our celebrities."
"This is Earth, Norbert."
Norbert stood. "Come, I will show you our science."
We walked through the back door of Norbert's house and into his kitchen. Our kitchen always smelled of food from breakfast or lunch and was usually a mess. But Norbert's kitchen didn't smell of food; it smelled like Pine-Sol, like when Mom can't sleep so she gets up in the middle of the night and cleans the kitchen. It was spotless and empty—no dirty dishes in the sink, no old pizza boxes lying around, no table or chairs.
"Do you normally eat out?"
"No. We eat pills."
"Pills?"
"One a day."
"Must cut down on fast food."
"Humans' lives seem to revolve around food."
I nodded. "We're basically eating machines. But Mom says we eat way more than we need to survive. She says eating is a form of entertainment now."
"We eat pills that provide all the essential nutrients required to maintain our existence."
"But pizza and ice cream taste better than a pill."
Norbert gave me a fist-bump and said, "Yo, dog."
He now led me
into a large living room, which looked like something out of a sci-fi movie. Instead of chairs and a couch and a television, their living room was crowded with machines that looked like futuristic computers with blinking lights and beeping noises. A dozen big video screens showed CNN and C-SPAN and MSNBC and FOX and BBC and scenes of people who looked foreign. Norbert spoke to the machines, but not in English. His speech sounded like static on the radio.
"Is that your language?" I asked.
"Yes."
"You'd fit right in at our school."
"I'd like to visit your place of learning, to see the intelligence level of young humans."
One screen now changed to a picture of giant machines digging into the ground and lifting huge rocks and dumping them into a huge machine. The creatures driving the machines looked like ants. A colorful haze hung over the scene.
"Saturn," Norbert said. "The haze is from the rings around the planet. We are finishing up our work there."
"I thought Saturn was just a ball of gas."
"The part that human technology can ascertain."
"So what do people on Saturn look like?"
"Not like Earthlings."
"They look weird?"
"Max, to other life forms humans look weird. It is just a matter of perspective."
I wasn't sure what he meant. Norbert spoke static to the machine again.
"So you don't have to type on your computers?"
"Oh, no. Voice commands."
"Cool."
The picture now zoomed in on one of the workers. He … she … it … really did look like an ant.
"It is quite expensive to conquer another planet, so my father has studied Earth and humans very carefully. He cannot afford to waste our money."
"Our government wastes our money all the time. Mom says politicians compete to see who can waste the most."
"Are they banished to the coldest or hottest part of your planet, these humans who make those mistakes?"
"Mom says they're reelected. So why'd your government pick Earth?"
"We have already stripped the natural resources from the other planets in your solar system. Saturn is the last. My father says Earth is the least advanced so he put it at the bottom of the list. Before we incur the expense of moving our equipment to another solar system, our government thought we should take a look at Earth."
"Makes sense. How long have you been here?"
"A year in your time."
"Can I ask you something, Norbert?"
"Of course."
"Promise you won't get mad and destroy me with a ray gun … or your finger?"
"Max, I would never hurt you. You are my dude. Ask."
"Why does your government think it's okay to conquer Earth and take all our stuff and make us your slaves?"
"Ah. That is a very good question, Max, one I have often asked my father."
Norbert spoke static again. The Saturn scene switched to a scene of tall smokestacks spewing dark plumes of thick smoke into the air, big earthmovers digging deep into the ground, bulldozers uprooting tall trees, glaciers breaking apart, huge dumps overflowing with trash, birds stuck in oil pits, sewage being dumped into rivers, dead fish floating in lakes …
"Wow, that's awful," I said. "What planet is that?"
"Earth."
"No way."
"Way. My father says, 'Why shouldn't we harvest Earth's natural resources before humans ruin the place anyway?' "
"But what about us kids? We didn't do any of that. Why do we deserve to be slaves?"
Norbert pointed down at my feet. "But you wear those sneakers."
I was wearing my red high-topped Legend Jones sneakers.
"So?"
"So where are they made?"
"My Legends? I don't know."
"Look at the label."
I yanked the sneaker off my right foot and read the label inside.
"Made in Vietnam. That's a neighborhood in East Austin."
Norbert smiled. "No. That is a small country on the other side of your planet. Your sneakers are made by the Vietnamese people in factories called sweatshops. They are paid only twenty cents per hour."
"Twenty cents? They have to work five hours to buy a candy bar."
Norbert faced the screen and spoke static again.
"With this you can see anywhere in the world?" I asked.
"Yes. I can access any camera or video feed, any computer transmission, email, radio or TV broadcast, phone calls, videos posted to your Internet, in real time. As well as archived files."
"What's that?"
"Old transmissions and videos."
"How old?"
"If it is stored anywhere on Earth, we can access it."
"Can you find stuff by looking for a date?"
"Yes. Any identifier."
A picture came up on the screen. It showed more people—hundreds of people—who looked like Sunny—most didn't look much older than her—sitting at sewing machines in a factory.
"That is one of those sweatshops. At this very moment, they are sewing your sneakers."
"How are we seeing this?"
"Security cameras."
The screen zoomed in closer, and I could see the red Legend Jones signature sneakers on the sewing machines and workers packing them in boxes like you got at the store.
"How much did you pay for those sneakers?"
"Fifty dollars. Mom got them on sale."
Norbert pointed at the screen. "Those people must work five weeks to make fifty dollars."
"I just wanted Legend Jones sneakers like the other kids."
The camera zoomed in on one of the workers at a sewing machine.
"Her name is Kim-Ly. She is thirteen. She works fifteen hours each day, six days each week."
"When does she go to school?"
"She does not."
"Why not?"
"Because she must make sneakers to support her family."
"How will Kim-Ly go to college and get an iPhone and have a good life?"
"She will not. Kim-Ly is very intelligent. She wants to be a teacher. But she cannot. She must make sneakers to survive. So she is nothing more than a slave. Why should you not also be a slave?"
I stared at her image on the screen for a long moment. It made me feel sad for her. I wanted to take off my sneakers and burn them.
"So when will your government take over Earth?"
"My father must first make his report, then our leaders will decide. But they always follow my father's recommendations. He is very wise."
"So if your dad decides your government should conquer Earth, what happens? I mean, is there like a big war or something?"
"Oh, no. A war with us would be a very short war. But we do not want to kill humans. We want them to work for us. So we have developed technology that allows us to control lesser life forms."
"Like mind control?"
Norbert smiled. "Version one-point-zero. A very basic form. My father watched your television and listened to your talk radio and he decided that we could conquer Earth less expensively since we would not need to upgrade the mind control software for humans."
"What will happen to Earth?"
"Earth will last approximately eight years, by my father's estimation. Then it will die. Like Mars and the other planets in your solar system."
"But there's no water on Mars."
"Not anymore. Once there were many lakes and rivers and oceans."
"There were life forms on Mars?"
"Oh, yes. Funny little creatures. Very intelligent. They made excellent slaves." He smiled as if remembering a favorite moment. "We had many good times on Mars. That was before my mother's existence was terminated."
"I won't even be out of high school in eight years."
Norbert shrugged. "Sorry."
"When will your dad make his report?"
"Soon."
"Which way is he leaning?"
"He does not lean. He has excellent posture."
"No. I mean
, is he thinking your government should take us over?"
"Yes. He has determined that Earth's minerals would supply our necessary parts for a few years. He is now making his final evaluation of human intelligence."
"If we're smart enough?"
"Yes. We need low-skilled labor, but for most life forms that is a very high skill level."
"And if we're not smart enough?"
"Then it will not be economically feasible for us to conquer Earth. We cannot afford to import workers, and so many would perish in these harsh conditions."
"What's that mean?"
"Harsh means—"
"I know what that means. What does 'economically feasible' mean?"
"It means we will conquer another planet in another solar system."
"Wait. You're saying that if your dad decides we're too stupid to serve your purposes, then your government will leave us alone and let us destroy Earth on our own?"
"Exactly."
I had my plan.
ten
"The boy living next door to you is an alien?"
"And his father."
"And they're trying to take over the world?"
"Have you been paying attention?"
Eddie shook his head. "Nothing to worry about. Our germs will kill the aliens."
"Eddie, that's science fiction. This is real."
"Our germs won't stop them," Dee said, "but our stupidity might?"
"Yep."
"We're going to save the world by proving how stupid humans are?" Sunny said.
"That's the plan," I said.
Sunny shrugged. "It might actually work."
The next day at lunch, I told Sunny, Dee, and Eddie everything about Norbert, his dad, and their government's plot to take over Earth and enslave humans. It was pizza day, but I only had one piece. I just wasn't that interested in food today. My mind was preoccupied with something a bit more important than pepperoni pizza (although I must say that the cafeteria cooks make a delicious pepperoni pizza).
"But why us?" Eddie said. "Why do we have to save the world?"
"Because that's what my dad would do."
"But how are we supposed to show we're stupid?" Dee asked.
"That's what we've got to figure out. We've got to make a list of all the stupid things humans do."
"That'll be a long list," Sunny said.
"But we're fourth-graders," Eddie said. "Saving the world, that's a grown-up job."