by Bali Rai
‘Don’t cheek your elders!’ snapped Uncle Malkit.
‘Oh, go and stick your head up your fat ar—’ I began but my mum cut me off.
‘Go and do that housework,’ she told me.
‘But—’
‘Simran …’ she warned.
I stood up and stormed out of the room, angry with everyone in it. How could they talk about me when I wasn’t going to be there? I wasn’t a kid. I walked into the kitchen and slammed the door. David just shook his head at me and lifted his right forefinger to his lips.
‘Ssh!’
‘What?’
‘You wanna hear what they got to say?’ he asked.
‘Yeah – course I do …’
‘Well, stop being a brat and come and listen,’ he said, pointing to the wall.
‘What are you on about?’ I asked, worried about him. How were we supposed to hear anything through a brick wall?
David must have guessed what I was thinking because he tapped a part of the wall. ‘The hatch that Dad blocked up,’ he said.
A few years earlier my dad had filled in a hatch that had connected the kitchen and the living room. He’d complained for ages about the smell of curry seeping into the house. But instead of bricking up the hole, he’d just put two old bits of plasterboard across the gap and it was hollow. I looked at David and thanked God that he wasn’t as stupid as I was.
‘Now shut up so we can hear them,’ he told me as I joined him.
* * *
My dad’s family spent about two hours talking about me and Tyrone and how I’d brought shame on the family name and reputation. I could make out most of what they said but I did miss a few things too. Mostly they complained about what ‘other people’ would say, meaning the rest of the Punjabi community. Uncle Malkit told my dad that my grandad was distraught and that the family’s izzat or honour was being dragged through the dirt. Black people weren’t like us, I heard him say, and the shame of having a daughter of our family cavorting with a black man was beyond tolerance. It had to stop and my uncle warned my dad that unless he stopped it, the rest of the family would have to do it for him.
When I heard that my heart sank and I started to get really worried about what they intended to do. I’d heard all kinds of stories about so-called honour killings in the media, and more importantly, I was worried about what might happen between my family and Tyrone. But eventually I calmed down, telling myself that I wasn’t living in India. What could they do? As it turned out, I should have heard the alarm bells ringing louder than I did because things were going to take a turn for the worse and there was very little that I could do about it. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was going to become a victim of my own family’s prejudices.
SIMRAN
IT STARTED AT school the following week. Ruby didn’t turn up until Wednesday after another mysterious bout of illness. On the Monday I asked Priti about it because Ruby hadn’t answered any of my calls or text messages. I was still upset with my cousin but I don’t hold grudges so I thought that we could start to make things up. Some chance. Priti just shrugged when I spoke to her and said that Ruby was under the weather. I tried to find out more, but she interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me that she was in a hurry and walked off, leaving me standing in the corridor.
When I did see Ruby at lunch time on the Wednesday she totally ignored me. So much for trying to be nice. We were at opposite ends of the dining hall. I was standing with Lisa and another girl called Dawn in the queue for food. Ruby had finished her lunch and was talking to Priti and two other Asian girls. When our eyes met, I smiled and waved but Ruby turned away and started talking to one of the other girls, Parminder. I nudged Lisa.
‘She just blatantly ignored me,’ I said.
Lisa asked me who I was on about.
‘Ruby …’
‘Really?’ she replied, looking surprised.
‘Just now …’ I said.
‘You must be mistaken – why would she ignore you?’
‘I dunno. But I’m about to go and find out …’
I left the queue and walked over to my cousin, who had her back to me and couldn’t see me coming. Parminder, the girl she was chatting with, did see me though and she told Ruby. My cousin turned round just as I reached her.
‘What’s your problem?’ I asked.
Ruby couldn’t look me in the eye. ‘Nothing,’ she said lamely.
‘Must be something because you just ignored me. Blatantly …’
She looked at her friends and then down at the floor.
‘Don’t look at them – they’re not the ones with the problem,’ I said, getting angry.
‘I can’t—’ she began, only for Parminder to butt in.
‘She don’t wanna talk to you, you slag,’ she snarled, like the dog that she was.
‘You what?’
‘You heard me, you dirty bitch,’ said Parminder.
My anger subsided because I was so shocked at what she’d just called me. That, and the fact that neither Ruby nor Priti defended me. They just stood where they were and said nothing.
‘So you can get back to your goreeh mates and that monkey you call a boyfriend,’ continued Parminder.
I wanted to slap her but I couldn’t. Instead I turned on my heels and walked back to Lisa, feeling helpless.
‘How can she just walk around with no shame?’ I heard Parminder ask after me. ‘Like she ain’t doing nothing wrong …’
By the time I reached Lisa, I had tears in my eyes.
‘What happened to you?’ she asked.
‘Nothing,’ I said, like a little girl.
‘So why are you crying?’ She looked concerned and angry in equal measure.
‘Just forget it … ‘I said, wiping my eyes.
‘Forget it?’ she asked. ‘What did they say to you?’
‘They called me a dirty bitch,’ I said, more tears replacing the first ones.
Lisa slammed her tray down on the counter, making a couple of Year Seven girls jump in fright. ‘Fuck this!’ she snapped, heading off to confront Ruby and her friends.
I wanted to follow her but I couldn’t. Instead I just stood where I was and watched as Lisa argued with Parminder, slapped her face and got herself excluded from school for two days.
I spent the rest of the afternoon avoiding everyone and keeping my head down. I wasn’t too worried about Lisa because she wasn’t the kind of person who got into trouble regularly, and our school excluded people in the same way that someone might decide to eat an apple instead of a pear. It was all knee-jerk stuff and I was sure she’d be OK. When school finished I walked out of the main gates and down towards the bus stop on my own, ignoring a few jibes from a couple of Asian lads as I made my way past the car park entrance. They shouted out ‘slag’ and a few other things in Punjabi, which I’m sure were aimed at me, but I just kept on walking. On the bus I sat on my own, and by the time I got home I was really upset. I sat in my room for ages, crying and then getting angry with myself for being so stupid. I only calmed down when Lisa called me and asked me to go round to her house.
Later that evening I told my mum what had happened and she asked me if I wanted her to call Ruby’s mum and have a go.
‘What’s the point?’ I said, shaking my head. ‘Ruby’s obviously decided to side with all the other arseholes …’
‘I’m surprised she reacted the way she did,’ replied my mum.
‘I’m not – I kind of asked her about it a few weeks ago and she told me that I was stupid for even thinking about going out with Tyrone.’
‘Oh – you spoke to her before you spoke to me?’ she asked.
‘Yeah – course I did … I thought she was my friend,’ I replied, getting all tearful again.
‘It really bothers you, doesn’t it?’ said my mum, putting her arm around me.
I nodded. ‘We’ve been friends since we were little,’ I told her, as if she needed reminding. ‘I mean – we’re not just cousins …’
/> ‘I know, Simmy,’ said my mum. ‘She’ll come round in the end. And who’s to say that you’ll be with Tyrone a year from now?’
I looked at my mum and felt myself getting angry. Was she trying to put me off him too?
‘It’s not about how long I’m with him,’ I insisted. ‘It’s about why there’s all this pressure just because he’s black. I don’t want to be the kind of person that does that – judges people because of their skin …’
My mum shook her head. ‘I wasn’t trying to put a dampener on things, sweetheart,’ she replied. ‘I was just pointing out that teenage romances can sometimes seem like the only thing that matters, but people grow up …’
‘Like you and Dad did?’ I asked, in an unfriendly tone.
‘OK,’ she said, ‘I get your point.’
‘She can rot in hell.’
‘Who?’ asked my mum.
‘Ruby – if she wants to be funny with me then I don’t care,’ I said.
‘You obviously do,’ argued my mum. ‘It wouldn’t hurt as much otherwise.’
‘Stuff her.’
It was Priti who told me the truth the following morning. She got the same bus as I did and when she saw me she came over and sat by me. I wasn’t in the mood for more shit and I told her so.
‘I just wanted to talk to you,’ she replied, half smiling.
‘You didn’t talk yesterday,’ I reminded her. ‘You didn’t say a word when that bitch was having a go at me. Lisa got excluded because of your bitch friend.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she told me, ‘but Lisa did slap her and I’m not trying to defend Parminder. She’s just got her opinion, that’s all.’
‘So that’s fine then, is it? She’s got her racist viewpoint and we all have to deal with it?’
Priti shook her head and excused her friend even though she’d just said that she wouldn’t. ‘She’s no racist,’ she argued.
‘She called Tyrone a monkey – what’s that, charm?’ I snapped.
‘It’s just that you seem to think you’re different to the rest of us,’ she said.
I gave her a dirty look. ‘Who are “us”?’ I asked.
‘The other Asian girls at school. You’ve got your liberal parents and your white mates – it’s like you think you’re separate from us,’ she explained.
‘That’s just stupid …’ I replied.
‘No it isn’t. It’s like you’re not proud to be Indian or something.’
I shrugged. ‘That’s because I’m not,’ I said.
‘So what are you then? ’Cos you ain’t white …’ Priti asked.
‘I’m British,’ I told her. ‘I wasn’t born in India so how can I be Indian?’
‘You’ll always be Indian,’ she said, like it was an unanswerable truth.
‘No I won’t – and anyway, what has that got to do with Ruby ignoring me?’ I asked her.
‘It’s all part of the same thing. Even when we were little you acted like you were white … Ruby isn’t allowed to talk to you any more.’
I waited for a moment before replying to the two bombshells she’d decided to drop on my head. ‘Firstly, I don’t think I’m white – not that there’s anything wrong with being white. Secondly, who told Rubes that she isn’t allowed to talk to me?’
‘Her parents – and her brothers.’
I shook my head. ‘I should have known they’d be involved,’ I said.
‘It’s not just about that, Simran. You do think you’re better than us. Like how you hang around with Lisa and diss bhangra and all that. And now, with your black boyfriend …’
I shook my head again. ‘Just get lost,’ I told her. ‘You think you can slag off Lisa and Tyrone and I’m going to wear it. Well, you’re wrong.’
Priti stood up. ‘You’ll see,’ she replied. ‘When Lisa and Tyrone have gone or dumped on you – we’ll still be here …’
‘Ain’t gonna happen,’ I told her.
‘Well then, you carry on acting white and hanging around with kaleh. See where it gets you.’
I looked at her and smiled sarcastically. ‘I will,’ I replied. ‘See ya!’
Then I turned my head to the window and looked down at the passing traffic. Priti stood where she was for a moment and then walked to the back of the bus, where some of her Asian friends were waiting for her. I heard them say a few things about me but this time I didn’t even get angry, never mind upset. I just sat where I was and thought about Tyrone’s smile.
DAVID
I DIDN’T KNOW how bad things were for Simran until about two weeks after she’d told us she was seeing Tyrone. I was walking through the dining hall with Dean when I saw her sitting with Lisa. There was a mess on their table and when I walked over to take the piss I saw tears in my sister’s eyes. I looked at Dean, who saw that I was angry and rubbed his head, something he always did when he could see trouble brewing. I turned back to Simran.
‘What happened?’ I asked her.
‘Nothing …’
I looked at Lisa. ‘Well?’
‘Simran better tell you,’ she replied.
I pulled a chair out and sat down next to my sister. ‘Tell me,’ I insisted. I didn’t know why she was crying but I wasn’t going to leave it until I found out.
‘Some boys were picking on her,’ said Lisa.
‘Lisa!’ shouted Simran, getting even more upset.
‘What boys?’ I demanded.
This time my sister heard the edge in my voice and she turned to face me. I put my hand on her cheek and wiped off some tears. Dean sat down next to me.
‘Just tell us, sis,’ he said to her.
‘Pally and his mates,’ she blubbed.
‘Pally – that skinny wannabe gangsta?’ I asked, feeling my blood begin to speed up as it went around my body.
Simran nodded.
‘Why’s he picking on you?’ asked Dean.
In my heart I already knew the reason why.
‘It’s about her seein’ Tyrone,’ said Lisa, answering for my sister.
‘Is that right?’ I asked Simran, who nodded. ‘What they been saying?’
‘They were calling me names – not just them, some of the girls too. Calling me a slag and a whore …’ she admitted.
I stood up and turned to Dean. ‘You don’t have to get involved in this, bro,’ I told him. There was trouble brewing and I didn’t want my best mate to get caught up because of me.
‘Fuck that,’ he told me, getting up too. ‘That’s my cousin, bro. And the last time I let you handle shit on yer own, I had to clean you up after.’
He grinned, finding a joke in a serious situation, like always. I turned to my sister and Lisa.
‘Forget about them … I’ll deal with it,’ I told them.
‘We’ll deal wid it,’ added Dean.
‘Just don’t get into no trouble,’ said Lisa. ‘I got excluded for having a go at one of those girls.’
Dean shook his head. ‘Ain’t no one gettin’ kicked out. We’re just gonna have a quiet word – that’s all,’ he replied.
I looked at him like he was mad. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to Pally. I wanted to rip his throat out.
Me and Dean caught up with Pally outside the science block. He was with a couple of his crew and they were sitting talking to a group of girls, including my cousin Ruby. I watched him for a second as he sat on the grass and bragged about his dad letting him drive the family Mercedes. Saw the way that the girls seemed impressed by his shit. Then I nudged Dean.
‘Like I said – you ain’t gotta get into this,’ I told him.
‘An’ watch my bro get grief all on his own? Ain’t happenin’,’ he replied.
I walked over to Pally and put on a smile. ‘Yes, Pally!’ I said, acting like he was my best mate.
‘Easy, rude bwoi …’ he replied, grinning. The knob.
I grabbed him by the throat and shoved him back into the ground. His mates jumped up but they didn’t do anything. I sat astride him, pinning him to the floor, a
nd leaned down to whisper to him.
‘You ever say anything to my sister again – I’m gonna kill you – you get me, rude bwoi?’
I spat out the last word. Pally struggled underneath me but I had him pinned down good and in the end he nodded.
‘Don’t think I’m joking either,’ I added. ‘Don’t fuck with my family …’
One of his mates made a move towards me but Dean grabbed him and gave him a slap.
‘Nah, nah, nah, bad bwoi – best you just leave it,’ he told Pally’s mate.
The lad didn’t move. I reached into the grass and pulled out a big clump with I shoved into Pally’s face, and then I slapped him, leaving him on the ground. I stood up and turned to Dean. The girls were all standing too, wide-eyed and scared.
‘Let’s go,’ I said to Dean, who nodded once and followed me back into school. Behind us I heard Pally shout that I was a dead man. I turned round and gestured for him to come to me but he stood his ground, never once looking directly at me.
That evening I knocked on my sister’s bedroom door and waited for her to let me in. When she did I saw that she was with Lisa, who was lying back on her bed, wearing a very short skirt. I tried my hardest not to check out her thighs but I couldn’t help myself. She was buff.
‘Like what you see?’ Lisa asked, teasing me.
‘Er … I weren’t … er …’ I stammered, like a dick.
‘Course you weren’t,’ she said to me, as I felt about five centimetres tall.
I decided to get to the point. Fancying your little sister’s mate was bad news, no matter how fit she was.
‘They won’t be bothering you no more,’ I said to my sister.
‘You didn’t do anything stupid, did you?’ she asked in reply.
‘Nah – just spoke to Pally. He looked like he got the point …’ I said with a grin.
‘Ooh – you’re so tough,’ teased Lisa.
‘Shut up!’ I replied.
‘Charm too! You’re real husband material,’ she continued.
I ignored her. ‘Just tell me if it happens again,’ I said to Simran.
She nodded.
‘And you,’ I said, turning to Lisa, ‘you wanna get a longer skirt …’