by Dawn Kunda
As for her heart, she didn’t know how to heal a psychologically damaged organ. That’s right—her psychiatrist had been killed by Al-Maqda’s men. Dr. Korbic would be replaced by another doctor that Alina would never be able to open up to.
Maybe she should go home, take back her real name and life along with the chances of being killed for her chemical knowledge. At least she could enjoy her family for as long as she lived. Her family would be in danger, too.
Nothing was right. Nothing was good.
Vic said, “Alina, it’ll be all right. You have a good life ahead of you.”
The words bit her deep inside. She wouldn’t beg for his attention. She tried to hide a sniff and shook her head. “Okay, what plane do I get on?”
He looked at the floor and then back at her. “Back to Stockholm—Arlanda Airport.”
She stepped away from him, looking at the terminals around them. She felt light-headed as he led her to the plane that would separate them forever.
They approached the terminal and he dug out a plane pass. With shaky hands, she accepted her fate.
Chapter 38
She swore it was a kiss. The velvety nose rubbed against her cheek as she stroked his back. She had thought Gerty was a female llama’s name, but when she’d contacted the veterinarian who’d taken care of Gerty, she found out she’d been wrong. No big deal, she’d wished for a man in her life, but should’ve been clearer on the species in her silent prayers. “Well, Gerty, it’s just you and me. I hope you like your new field and barn.”
Alina stared toward the range of mountains covered in a hazy, brilliant blue popping up through remnants of snow.
The months dragged on with memories of Vic Grant growing blurry. Yet, the color of the bluebells kept a particular scene close. She tried to banish it, to put it aside. The heat and passion they’d shared one time, one unforgettable time and almost a second time, when his eyes watched her as she let her body combine with his and surrender all inhibitions, stayed with her.
She had to admit her allowance of the memory kept her sane instead of throwing her in fits of loneliness. She knew she could love and be loved back without him dying. Someday it would happen again. First she had to allow another man so close.
Her new rental positioned itself farther from Gamla and closer to the mountains. Again she tested living on the edge. Her government contact had written her off as uncooperative. He’d wanted her to leave the country, change her name again, and rewrite her whole life. She’d refused.
A tiny scrap of hope for Vic to return kept her near where they’d first found each other. It’d taken her nearly three months to return to the pub they’d sat together without an introduction. Now she went there once a week, same night of the week, same time as the first.
Tonight, she’d try a new venue. Time to erase the past and end her story with a vacancy sign hung on her heart.
Gerty nosed her neck.
“I’m glad you wanted me back.” She finished filling Gerty’s oat bucket. She wiped her hands down her pants and sighed. Walking back to the house, she glanced at the blue-and-white covered mountains, then climbed the porch steps.
Her original plan to try a new pub fizzled as she plunked down at the kitchen table with a cup of tea she’d brewed. The steam from her mug mesmerized her. She didn’t know how long she watched the tea-clouds lift and disappear when a footstep against the linoleum floor made her sit up.
Her heart raced and she immediately thought of the gun she’d bought and hid under her mattress. She didn’t stand a chance if she had to run to her bedroom and retrieve it. She had relaxed too much. Months of silence and no bother from her government or any foreign intruders had made her less fearful of the future and any chance of being chased.
Her shoulders slowly sank back in place as the room remained silent.
She reached for her cup. A hand lighted on her shoulder and she let out a scream, spilling the hot liquid in her lap. She lifted her legs, her feet on tiptoes, and cringed.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”
She caught her breath. She knew the voice.
The hand released her shoulder and Vic pulled out the chair next to hers. He sat down and looked at her.
She didn’t say a word.
* * * *
He wanted to reprimand her for letting it be so easy to find her. He wanted to hold her close and ravage her sexy body. He wanted to have a normal life with her. He wanted to erase the pain he’d caused.
Instead he forgot his rehearsed speech and said, “How are you?” What a stupid thing to ask after he left her for months without a clue that he’d set up his next mission, located the place he would live for the next who-knew-how-long, and scared the living daylights out of her by showing up in her house.
His confidence took a dive as she eased off her chair. She didn’t look at him and walked to the back hall.
He stood, took a step toward her, and then decided to let her do what she wanted without him chasing her through her home. He remained standing.
She went into a room off the back hall. He gulped as she returned. She held her arms straight out in front of her. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was she had a gun pointed at him.
“Tell me the truth.” She motioned the gun up.
He raised his brows.
“What are you doing here?”
Not what he expected. Actually, he hadn’t come up with how she’d react to a surprise visit from him. “I wanted to see you.”
Her hands trembled. “Not good enough.”
His nerves responded to the shake of the gun. He didn’t know if she’d practiced shooting since he’d seen her last, but he remembered a gun used to be foreign to her. “Please, don’t shoot me.” He hung his head. “I just needed to see you.”
With a shaky voice, she responded, “Why?”
“Can you put the gun away?” He raised his hands. “I have a gun. I’ll put it on the table, if you’ll let me.”
She sniffed and tossed her bangs from her eyes. “Do that.”
He followed orders. His SIG SAUER made a small click as he gently laid it on the table. “Is it okay if I sit down? I had a long journey.”
It took her a minute, but she said, “Okay.” Her arms dropped halfway in front of her. “Why? Why are you here?”
Her face showed a mix of emotions, but he didn’t see desire or excitement as part of them. “I had to see you.” He didn’t take his eyes from her. Now was his chance, probably the only one. “I’ve missed you. I’ve had things to tie up. I couldn’t tell you, for your own safety. I tried to hurry, and, well, now it’s safe for me to come to you.”
Her hands tentatively dropped down. She stared at him. Walking to the table, she set her gun on the far edge of the kitchen table and sat behind it. “Why didn’t you at least tell me you’d be back?”
“It’s a long story, but for your safety.” She didn’t buy it. “If anyone, I mean anyone looking for you or me had an idea that you knew where I was or what I was doing, they might have hurt you.” Hurt wasn’t exactly the right word, but he didn’t need to alarm her at this point.
“I’ve had plenty of time to get over you.” She looked to the side. “Not that there was anything to get over.”
“I see.” He leaned forward. She startled and he stopped moving. “I don’t bite.” With a slow sigh, he began to think she wouldn’t and didn’t want to understand his return. “Listen, I never quit thinking about you. Everything I did since we left Iraq was so I could see you again without bringing danger with me.”
She touched the handle of her gun, then gripped her hands together straight in front of her on the table. “We can’t be anything. We were never anything. We used each other. Nothing more.” Her eyes closed.
“You want me to go?” He didn’t want her to answer because he knew he blew it.
He took her silence as a “yes.” He reached for his gun. “I won’t bother you again.” He never made a habit of crying, but hi
s eyes definitely moistened. He wished she’d run to him and tell him she was kidding, don’t go, I love you, or any other words to give him the chance to have one more minute to absorb this beautiful woman.
Never again, he’d never love anyone again. It hurt too much and always ended prematurely. He’d probably get physical with another woman, but he wouldn’t look them in the eye or ask their name. Hell, right now he couldn’t even contemplate doing that.
With his back to an unwilling hostess, he walked to the door, pulled his shoulders back, and opened the wooden exit.
Listening to the gravel crunch under his shoes as he walked to his car, he stopped at the bumper. Other than the fact that he found her so easily, there was one other thing he forgot to mention. By now he doubted it’d make a difference, but he didn’t want to leave without a final confession.
He moved fast, back to the door, before he lost his nerve. He slowed down when opening the door. Silent hinges guarded his return.
Alina sat at her table, her hand rubbing the handle of the gun. Her head hung, no sound coming from her.
He stepped into her house and shut the door. She didn’t look, as if she sat alone in the upcoming darkness.
“Alina.”
“You’re back.” Her voice held no surprise.
“I need to tell you a couple things before I leave.”
“I think you’ve told me enough.”
He didn’t let the hollow words distract him. “Alina, I found you too easily. I can’t leave you in an unsafe position.”
Her head jerked up. She still fondled the gun. “Really? I’ve been safe since we left Iraq months ago. What makes today so special?”
He breathed in deeply. “I’ve had people watching for you. No one has come for you. Yet. But if they had, you would’ve been safe.”
She didn’t say anything.
“Alina, you need to make other arrangements because they will come after they’ve regrouped.” He watched her hand on the gun.
By now she looked at him. Pushing her chair back as if it was a difficult task, she stood and left the gun alone. “I have a gun, I have intelligence, and I have myself. I need nothing else to survive.”
Vic stormed over to her. He didn’t touch her, but dipped his head to send his breath over her cooled cheeks. “I admire your bravery, but you need more because when you least expect it, they come. It could be in the form of a gun, a bomb, or a number of other favorite games your enemies play.”
Her breathing heightened.
“Alina.” He nearly touched his nose to hers. “I can help you.”
“I don’t need help.”
The nearness of her evocative body and demanding hazel eyes sent a wave of heat over his torso. “Alina, I love you.” Her face tilted up. “I’ve loved you since the day, or evening, I butted in on your dinner at the pub.”
A tear popped out of the corner of her eye. Now he’d started it and the final truth of his self would spill. “You, you have something I’ve never found in a woman before. You’re beautiful, tough, gentle, intelligent, a fighter, and things I can’t even name.”
“Why? Why now?” She repeated her words from his initial entrance, yet her voice held curiosity for the first time.
He tentatively rested his hands on her upper arms. “Alina, I’ve never given a woman a chance to get inside me, not totally. I have a lifestyle that many find exciting and erotic at first, but down the road it never works. I’ve killed bad men, I’m gone a lot, I can’t tell anyone where, and I come back when the job’s done. I don’t punch a time card.”
A stream trickled from the one tear.
He went on. “I’ve used woman, and I’m not proud of it, but most of them were aware of the circumstances. I’ve pushed the rest away before they had any intention of considering me a permanent fixture in their lives, but now, now, it’s different.”
“I’m probably not different from many who’ve been with you.”
He caressed her cheek, subtly wiping away the tear. “You are different, better, the best, and I can be different about accepting this. That sounded wrong.” He let go of her arm and stroked his throat. “I can’t let you go without trying. I’ve been working on setting up what I hope is acceptable for a life for us.” He watched, looking for any hint of acceptance. He pushed harder. “I love you and don’t want to lose you. I love you and want to have a life with you. I love you. I just love you.”
The silence grated on his heart. He had never felt this alone. He’d always been on his own, but loneliness only shows itself when you want company you can’t have.
“Are you done?”
He stepped back. She stayed in position. “I guess I’ve said everything.”
“I have one thing to say.” Her eyes focused on his.
* * * *
She couldn’t believe she controlled the fire and ice cascading through her body as she absorbed his words, not perfect but with the best of intentions. She’d waited so many days, hours, minutes, for him to return, sweep her off her feet, and claim her undying love.
Tired of new living accommodations, her kitchen was anything but comfortable and warm. She had imagined a warm feeling if he told her he loved her. She thought they’d embrace and the world would sprout hearts and flowers in all directions.
The room held a dampness and lacked a lived-in feeling.
She looked around the kitchen. She’d never noticed the small, square, blue tiles behind the sink. They matched his eyes.
He interrupted her first acknowledgment of color in the room. “Tell me.” His voice held defeat. She hadn’t heard this tone before, even when he’d been on his knees with an automatic machine gun held at his temple.
“I don’t have a job.”
A look of confusion covered his face. “I’m sure I can help you find something.”
One side of her lip curved up, but then she let it fall. “I don’t have a job, so I’m flexible as to where I live and what I do with my time.”
“You… Does that mean… You and I…” Emotion burst from his radiant blue eyes. “I have all kinds of ideas. Of course, I want your input. We can have whatever you want. We’ll live…somewhere…somewhere that you want. I can go anywhere.” He began looking around the table, then toward her counters. “We should make a list of what you want. I mean, where you want to live and…everything.”
She smiled, small but sincere. “Hey.” She reached her hand out to hold his waving arm down. “Later.”
He calmed, reaching for her waist.
“We should get to know each other first, more than before.” She had her demands.
“Right. You’re right. I’ll tell you whatever you want. Everything.”
“Yes, Vic, and I want to know everything about you. That includes what makes your heart so crazy this time.”
He blew out a lung-full of air. He quit the erratic movements. “Alina, I love you with my crazy heart. I want what you want, and will do my miserable best to make you happy forever.”
“Hmm, happy forever as in our lifetime?”
“And longer, if I can.”
* * * *
Vic silently thanked himself for returning to her house. Only a few minutes ago, kicking gravel in the drive, he’d assented to leaving by himself and never looking into her multicolored and glorious eyes again. Now, if he’d calm down and act like a man with a few senses left in his thick skull, he’d have the best woman in the world in his arms and forever at his side.
He held her hand and remembered the one other thing he’d taken days to find. “Wait, I have one more thing for you.” He cleared his throat, met her gaze, and ever so slowly put one knee to the floor. Along with her gasp, he asked, “Alina, will you allow me to be your husband?”
His throat swelled as her eyes teared. Important and big events always happen in slow motion.
She pulled her hand from his. As he held his breath, she placed her palms against each side of his face. Letting air escape from his filled lungs, she knelt
in front of him and plastered her mouth against his.
Their lips raced over each other’s mouth, cheeks, and brows. His hands, at first tentative, rubbed down her shoulders, over her back, and then with a sureness, he crushed her body against his.
As his lips numbed, he separated from her and had to ask. “Dare I take that as a yes?”
Looking full into his eyes, she said, “My answer is yes as long as my guard approves.”
He furrowed his brows. “You have a guard?”
“Of course. Gerty, my llama. She’s actually a he, and we’ve become pretty tight.” She smirked.
“We can have a hundred llamas, if you like.” He pulled her up from the floor. He dug in his jean pocket. The gold glinted off the dim light of the kitchen. “I have this for you. I had to make a trip to Austria and some friends directed me to a store for such things.”
A perplexed look crossed her face till she looked down as he opened his palm. A triple circle of gold lay in the center. “Oh, it’s beautiful! How…how did you know?”
“I did a bit of research and consulted my friends, former coworkers, on what kind of ring a gorgeous Swedish woman would desire.”
“You know what the three rings represent?”
He smiled encouragingly. “I do.”
She touched the rings. Vic took hold of her hand and slipped the gold onto her wedding finger. “I want you as my wife, my friend, and the mother of my children.”
“I had begun to doubt that you had thought of me in all these months.”
“That’s all I did was think about you. I’m sorry for the long wait, and I hoped you hadn’t completely moved on without me, but I needed to set things up so I can keep you safe and happy. That is I retained the hope that you’d allow me to.”
She put her arm across his shoulder and tucked her face into his broad chest. He could barely hear her, but was sure of her words. “I want to show you how much I still want you.”