Soon after I arrived at Nana's, two of Amelia's friends from high school showed up. The girls had just graduated a couple of months ago and would soon make their way to college. They were adorable, and so very sweet, and I enjoyed hanging out with them. We played a few rounds of a game where you toss a little metal disc onto a wooden box. I wasn't necessarily the most athletic person at the party, but I'd always been pretty good at tossing things, so I held my own at the game. The whole family was hilarious with smack talking, and I joined right in, even though I could only maybe back it up. I laughed at their Cajun-isms (some of which were words or phrases in French).
I heard one of Amelia's friends asking Cole if she could take some video of us playing, but Cole told her to let me have the day off. He was sweet about it, but he also wasn't apologetic in telling her not to do it. I wouldn't have minded necessarily, but it made me happy that Cole stepped in and took care of it. I knew I'd initiate a group photo before it was all said and done, anyway, which I did. I already sent it to my mom, dad, brother, and sister, and they responded saying they were happy for me.
So, why did I feel so crazy and out of place?
The more I was around these people, the more I felt like I didn't belong here. The dynamic between this family was just different. I had good parents who did a lot for me, but Cole's family had something mine didn't. It might have been God, but I wasn't sure. Either way, as the afternoon passed, I increasingly got the feeling I wasn’t good enough—like I was a square peg in a round hole.
We left his Nana's house at around 3PM, and Cole drove us straight to his place. His Nana didn't have waterfront property, so the scenic change between her house and his was remarkable. His property was strikingly beautiful. His long driveway curved through the woods and opened to a lot that backed up to a waterway. I could see his private dock and boat from the place where we parked.
"I'm sorry Amelia had her friends over," Cole said as we got out of the truck.
"I didn't mind hanging out with them," I said. "I thought they were sweet."
"What are those trees?" I asked, getting lost in the view before I could even take in his house.
"The ones by the shore? Those are cypress." "They look like they're dripping," I said.
"Dripping upward with those knees comin' outta the water," Cole said.
I turned to the side to help me imagine the cypress knees hanging from the sky. It was all so beautiful that the voice in my head started up again—the one that was calling me a huge poser who was in over my head.
Cole took me on a tour of his house, explaining that he built it as a two bedroom with plans for an addition later on down the road. His mention of having a bigger house one day led me to think about starting a family with him, which, again started me thinking about how this was all a huge mistake.
I wanted to move in with Cole and never see him again in exactly equal parts.
"You wanna walk out to the dock?" he asked. "I'll take you out on the boat later for sunset. You'll like that."
I smiled at him, but it felt a bit forced. There was definitely part of me that felt like this wouldn't work out. It didn't help matters that he hadn't kissed me the night before or touched me all day today. We walked across his covered front porch, and to the other side of a yard before it sloped down to a small wooden platform that led to his dock.
Cole reached for my hand as the ground began to slope. I was so out of it with fear and nerves that I played it off, pretending I thought he did it to help me down the slope only. I let go of him once we reached the platform. He reached out to touch my arm once we made it to the dock, and again, I pretended to accidently dodge the contact.
"What's the matter?" he asked as we slowly walked down the long, wooden dock that extended over the water. It was beautiful, but I was so confused, I could hardly take it in. Cole stood a few feet from me, and I stared at him, studying the curves of his body from his back to his legs. I was trying to avoid his face, but it did no good since all of him was appealing to me. I sighed, trying to come up with the right words to describe how I felt.
"Cole, I want to leave this place almost as much as I want to stay."
"What's that mean?" he asked. He took a step closer to me, but I flinched, so he stopped short, tilting his head as if to ask me what was wrong.
I sighed again. "Okay, so basically I feel like I'm not the same as you guys."
"That's not true," he said.
"It is true," I said. "You guys are too good. I'm not used to living like you live around here. When your dad prayed like that, it just made me see that I wasn't… that I'm not, I don't know how to pray like that," I said, feeling embarrassed. "My family doesn't do stuff like that. I just feel like a huge poser with your family. I don't think I'm cut out for this."
Cole stared into my eyes with a sincere expression. He reached out to run his fingers through the hair above my ear, but I leaned away from his touch, causing him to break contact. "Olivia, stop," he said.
"What?"
"Stop pulling away from me like that—with your body and with your self. Stop pulling away period."
"I'm not cut out to be a Sunday school mom," I said.
"I've never heard anyone referred to as a Sunday school mom before, Liv. I don't think that's even an actual thing. I'm pretty sure you're safe from becoming one of those."
I let out a little laugh, but it faded quickly. "I just don't know if I'm capable of doing all that. It's like a different world to me. I believe in God and everything, but you guys are different. It's like, important to your family. I'm not used to praying out loud like that. I wouldn't know what to say if somebody asked me to do it."
Cole smiled as he stepped close to me, pulling me gently into his arms and putting his hands on me with a loose grip, barely making contact. "Nobody's gonna ask you to pray," he said, sweetly. "We already talked about where you stand with God, and that's all that matters."
I nodded, remembering that conversation on the very first day we met. "Nico explained it to me, and I believed or whatever, but it never really changed anything. I didn't start praying like your dad or anything. I think maybe it didn't work."
"It worked," he said, pulling me a little closer. "God is patient, Livy. He knows we don't have everything worked out the instant we come to Him." He paused and let out a little laugh. "He still has to be patient with me, and I've been at it for years."
"I just don't feel like I can do it," I said. "I don't feel like I'm good enough."
"Who do you think wants you to believe you're not good enough or that you can't do it?" Cole asked. He tilted his head at me. "Do you think it's God who'd have you believe that?"
"I don't guess," I said, after taking a second to think about it.
"It's not," Cole said. "You don't have to live up to anything, Olivia. Any voice that tells you you're not good enough is not coming from God. Those lies will do nothing but hold you back." He paused. I almost said something, but before I could, he added, "And nobody's ever gonna call on you to pray. Pops usually does it, and when he doesn’t, it's either my dad or Uncle Mitch. I promise, it'll never happen."
I smiled, feeling oddly relieved by this specific promise. "Plus, you've been distant with me since I've been here," I said, in the interest of putting it all on the table.
"Distant?" Cole asked, pulling me closer. "You're the one who's as stiff as a board right now."
"I'm not," I said.
"Yes you are." He used his finger to tilt up my face so I could look at him. We had shared enough in our heart-to-hearts that he knew I had been holding something back. His expression was sincere and concerned. "Olivia, what is it?"
I shrugged. "It's just hard for me to get my head straight," I said. "You were with me all night last night and didn’t kiss me, and then I got myself all worked up that I couldn’t cut it with your family."
"Okay, we sorted out the thing with my family, but did you also say something about me not kissing you?" He drew me in, holding me firml
y against him with his hands on my back. I took comfort in the way he supported me, so I leaned into his arms.
I nodded in answer to his question.
"You're worried about me not kissing you last night?" he asked again as if needing to clarify one more time.
I nodded shyly, and he reached out to touch my hair.
"You know that was extremely difficult for me, right?"
I shook my head.
"It was," he said. "You and I were in a gorgeous room, in a bed, Livy, and we were by ourselves."
"Yeah?" I said.
"That was a bad situation," he said.
"I would not have been able to stop kissing you under those circumstances."
"So you didn't kiss me at all?" I asked.
"Right." He smiled at me, and I stared at the little indention at the corner of his mouth.
"That's what I'm talking about," I said. "You're such a gentleman. You're so good. I don't deserve that. I didn't even know you were being good, that's how foreign it is to me. I thought you just didn't want to kiss me."
Cole let out a hardy laugh at that statement. "That's hilarious," he said. "It's more like I don't want to stop kissing you."
I hugged him, feeling like I could maybe try to ignore the voice that was saying I wasn't good enough. I stared at the side of Cole's face, knowing he was the one. I had never been so sure of anything else in my life. As afraid as I was of fitting in with his family, I was more afraid of not doing it.
"I'd marry you tomorrow if you asked me to," I said. I meant it to come out a little differently than it did, and I sort of cringed once it left my mouth. I was officially a big goober in front of him. I wondered if I'd ever come up with anything eloquent to say, or if I'd just keep regretting things after they came out of my mouth. Cole just smiled like he thought I was the cutest thing he'd ever seen.
"Marry me tomorrow, then, Livy," he said, with that same gorgeous half-smile he always wore.
I shook my head. "I didn't mean it like—"
"I did," he said. He shrugged. "Let's do it. I don't want you to have to go back home, and it seems like we both know this is what we're supposed to be doing."
"Right after I just said I didn't even think I fit in?" I said. "How can we go from that to getting married that quick?"
He shrugged. "You believed the wrong voices for a second, that's all."
"I don't deserve you," I said.
He smiled. "Yes you do. It's really funny that you think you don't—if anything I'm the one who doesn't deserve you." He gave me a little squeeze. "Just say you'll marry me already. You know you want to."
"I do want to," I said.
"Let's do it."
"Everyone's gonna think we're crazy." I said with wide eyes.
"So?"
"So, our parents probably won't even let us."
"Pssssst," Cole said, ducking to speak close to my ear as if telling me a secret. I leaned upward as if really curious. "We're adults," he whispered.
I giggled. "What's that mean? That we can get married if we want to?"
"Yep," he said.
"Cole," I said, after staring at him for several seconds. "I think I'm home, and that's sort of scary."
"I know it's scary. It's scary for me, too, and I'm not the one leaving my home. You're brave. You're venturing into a new world, and I'm proud of you."
"Would you move?" I asked. "If I wanted to stay in California, would you come to me?"
"Yes," he said. "And I still will, if that's what you want."
I smiled. "You can say that because you know I don't."
He grinned and shrugged. "I know you're at home here, but I really would follow you if you wouldn't stay. I can take my work anywhere."
"You wouldn't have your family," I said.
"You won't have yours."
"I'll have you," I said.
"You'll have me," he agreed.
Chapter 20
Cole and I stood near the end of his dock, looking out at the water. It was late summer in the middle of the afternoon, so it was bright and hot, but it was too beautiful not to stay out there and enjoy it for a little while. I heard nothing but the wind and the teeny little waves that hit against the dock. He held me with my back against his chest so we could both look out at the water. A small, aluminum boat was tied to the dock on our left, and I glanced at it when it made a thud as it hit the rubber bumper on the dock.
"Is that your boat?" I asked, even though it was a silly question.
Cole glanced at the boat. "Yep."
He let go of me, making sure I was steady before reaching down to retie the knot that was attaching his boat to the dock. The maneuver was something he'd done more than once because he was sure of himself as he did it. He seemed so manly being in charge of the boat and caring for it like that. I felt proud of him that he knew how to keep up with things around there.
"Sorry," he said, standing up behind me again and holding me around the waist.
"You looked hot doing that," I said.
I felt him shake with laughter from behind me. "Doing what? Tying a knot?" He was joking, but I was serious.
"Yes," I said, causing him to squeeze me around the waist.
"Amelia came over here to use my boat, and she doesn't know how to tie it up. Uncle Mitch is slackin'. I'm gonna have to sit that girl down and teach her how to tie a knot."
"Amelia borrowed your boat?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"Did she drive it by herself?"
"Yeah, but she won't be taking it out again if she doesn't learn how to tie it up."
"I can't believe she can drive all by herself," I said, still stuck on that.
"She could use her daddy's boat, but it's bigger. She likes this one."
"Is it a good one to learn on?" I asked.
"Yeah, why? You wanna drive it?"
"Not right now or anything, but maybe sometime you could teach me."
"You just tell me when," he said.
I shifted so I could stare up at him instead of looking out at the water. I couldn't explain or even understand how a promise to teach me to drive a boat made me feel happy. I felt protected and loved, like he was the most loyal person on earth, and somehow he chose me to love and protect. I was staring up at the side of his face when he cleared his throat.
"Olivia," he said before clearing his throat again. "We're, uh, not in a bed anymore."
I turned in his arms so that we were chest-to-chest. He kept his arms wrapped around my middle with his hands clasped at the small of my back.
"Are you saying you can control yourself if you kiss me now?" I asked.
The sunlight was extremely bright, causing us both to squint. I smiled at him, feeling like I could barely open my eyes. I must have closed them for a second because Cole's kiss happened when I wasn't looking. One second, I was standing over the water, smiling, and squinting, and feeling all tingly, and the next, Cole was kissing me. I had been wanting him to do this so badly, that an overwhelming sensation hit me the instant I finally felt his lips on mine. Desire crashed over me like a huge ocean wave. It was a struggle to remember to breathe. I wanted to kiss him so badly that I put my hands on the side of his face just to make sure he didn't pull back. I pulled his lower lip into my mouth, and when I did, he followed it with his tongue. An uncontrollable urge to smile hit me at that feeling, which made him smile, too.
I opened my eyes. I loved the sight of his squinting, smiling eyes staring back at me. I let out a little moan of disapproval and pulled him in again. I regretted smiling in the first place if it meant breaking the kiss. Cole didn't hesitate when I tugged on him. He kissed me again; one, two, three, four, five times before placing a kiss on my cheek and then one on my neck. He broke contact, pulling back to stare at me.
"Cole," I said. "Do it again."
He knew what I was talking about. The little pecks were great and all, but goodness, I wanted him so badly I could hardly think straight. He smiled before putting his lips to mine.
He kissed me deeply, holding me securely in place with his hands on my back. He kissed me relentlessly. Just when I thought he would stop, he kissed me some more. He kissed me like I needed to be kissed, and part of me knew he was doing it for my sake. We paused to smile a time or two, but then he would kiss me again as if our work wasn't quite finished. By the time he finished, something had transferred between us—something unexplainable had exchanged.
"Marry me," he said.
I nodded.
"I mean it," he said. "Let's do it. We don't even have to come out with it if you don't want to. We don't have to tell anybody. We could just do it now and have a party later."
"I really don't care if it's a secret," I said. I glanced at him tentatively. "I mean I guess we could talk about it and figure some things out, but I don't really see the point in trying to keep something secret. Everything gets found out, anyway."
"You might as well get Tyson back over here to take some pictures," he said.
I stared at him in disbelief. "Is this really happening?" I asked, feeling like a crazed lunatic.
He smiled. "I think so," he said. "Unless you think we should step back, which for the record, I don't, but I would if it's what you want."
"So, I can just marry you and move in, and this would be my home?" I said in an uncertain tone.
He smiled. "If you want to, yes, that's what I was thinking."
"Wow," I said.
"Wow what?"
"Wow this. Wow you. Wow us."
He smiled. "Wow yourself," he said.
"I am," I said, smiling and nodding. "I'm wowing myself right now."
He smiled and bent to tickle me by kissing my neck. I squealed and squirmed, but he easily made contact with me.
"Cole," I said.
He pulled back to look at me.
"I want to," I said.
He grinned. "You want to?"
I nodded.
"What do you want to do?" he asked, making me come out and say it.
"I want to…" I hesitated, feeling shy and on the spot. "I want to do everything you said."
"You mean get hitched?"
"Yeah, get hitched," I said with a challenging expression aimed at him for making me say it. "I love you, Cole. I don't really care if it makes no sense for me to say that or for us to do this, but—"
Dear California (Martin Family Book 2) Page 13