Peg strode over to the Stanley to retrieve the kettle and set about making tea. Madeline stood awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen and removed only her hat and gloves. She looked around, taking in Peg’s home with growing curiosity. Ellen wanted to jump into the car and drive after Conor, but she knew she had to resolve things with her mother before she could do anything else. She felt sick to her stomach. How had her mother found her?
‘Now, let’s all calm down,’ said Peg, putting the kettle on the stove with trembling hands. ‘Why don’t you take your coat off, Maddie? You’ll get very hot in here.’
Madeline dithered a moment, then slowly unbuttoned it. Beneath, she wore a grey silk blouse, grey flannel trousers and patent-leather court shoes; she looked as out of place in Peg’s kitchen as a porcelain doll in a hayloft. Ellen sat on Jack’s chair and when Bertie nuzzled her with his wet snout, she stroked his coarse hair fondly.
‘I know about Dylan,’ Ellen said softly.
This simple phrase floored her mother. She dropped her shoulders in defeat, as a cowboy drops his gun when he realizes his opponent is better armed than he is.
‘I know why you called me Ellen,’ she continued. She watched her mother take the chair at the other end of the table and sit down. ‘He’s my father, isn’t he?’ Madeline’s eyes shifted to Peg, who paused her tea-making and looked at her sister fearfully. ‘You can’t hide the truth, Mum. I know.’
Madeline looked agonized. ‘Yes,’ she said at last. ‘He’s your biological father.’
Peg put down the kettle and held onto the sideboard for balance. Although she already knew, to hear her sister confirm it knocked the wind out of her. ‘Jaysus, Maddie,’ she groaned.
When Madeline replied, her voice had lost its brittle tone. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Does Daddy know?’ Ellen asked. In the long moment before her mother answered, she wondered which she would prefer. She concluded that both ‘yes’ and ‘no’ were equally horrific.
Madeline looked down at her fingers and frowned. ‘I don’t know,’ she replied.
Ellen’s eyes filled with tears and she dropped her chin. Peg placed a mug of tea in front of her, then gave one to her sister and sat down between them. ‘How did you find us?’ Peg asked.
‘I flew over yesterday and stayed in a hotel last night, psyching myself up. Then when I drove into Ballymaldoon I had to ask where you lived. A lady walking a dog gave me directions.’ She swept her eyes around the room. ‘You have a nice house, Peg.’
‘Thank you. I like it.’
‘Is Bill here?’ she asked, referring to Peg’s husband.
‘Bill left a long time ago,’ Peg replied tightly. ‘ We divorced.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that. I remember your little boys, Declan and Dermot. They must be grown men now.’
‘Oh, they are, and I’m a grandmother. You never met Ronan. He’s my youngest, though he’s a man now, too,’ said Peg softly. There followed an awkward silence. They drank their tea. Mr Badger sighed heavily on his beanbag and closed his eyes. ‘Does it look the same?’ Peg asked.
‘You mean Ballymaldoon? Yes, it looks the same.’
‘Did you miss it, Maddie?’
Madeline took a sip of tea. Her lips quivered briefly. ‘In the beginning, but I got used to being away.’
‘You sound very English.’
‘I suppose I do now.’
‘You do. There’s no trace of Ireland on you at all.’
Madeline’s jaw stiffened and she grabbed hold of Peg with her steely gaze. ‘I made a choice, Peg, and I had to live with it. That meant I had to give up my past and start again. I had no option but to erase Ireland from my life altogether.’
She looked at her daughter and her face softened. ‘I couldn’t tell Anthony that you weren’t his. He wouldn’t have married me and I couldn’t afford not to marry him. He was my way out. My only way out.’
‘Did you love him?’ Ellen asked anxiously, hoping that, for her father’s sake, she did.
‘Not like I loved Dylan. But he was mad for me and he was my means of escape.’
‘Why didn’t you run off with Dylan? He’d have married you in a heartbeat.’
‘And what would we have lived off? He had no money. I had no money. My mother would have disowned me. She was fervently religious and dogmatic. We’d have been destitute. That’s not what I wanted for me and my child. Here was Anthony, a man of means, who could give me a secure future far away from Ballymaldoon. He knew I was pregnant and begged me to marry him. I’d have been crazy not to have taken him.’
‘And what about Dylan?’ Ellen asked. ‘Where did that leave him? I was his child.’
Madeline laughed cynically. ‘He was in no position to be a responsible father.’
‘But you wrote to him and asked him to come and get you,’ said Ellen.
Madeline was again taken aback by the amount that Ellen knew. She narrowed her eyes and lifted her chin. ‘Yes, I had a brief moment of regret, but it passed.’ She fiddled with the handle of her mug.
‘Dylan went to get you.’
‘No, he didn’t. He’s lying,’ her mother retorted quickly. Her voice was hard with resentment.
‘He’s not lying. He went to get you after you sent him the letter telling him that he was a father. But when he saw where you lived and that you were happy, he knew he couldn’t give you a life like that. He didn’t want to break up your family, even though I belonged to him.’
‘He told you that?’ Madeline asked quietly.
‘Yes, he did.’
‘He came after all?’
‘He did, Mum. He suffered for years, and you just tossed him aside.’
Madeline seemed to dismiss the information her daughter had just given her. ‘What would you rather I’d done?’ she snapped. ‘Left your father and run off with Dylan? I gave you a good life, Ellen. You don’t know how much it cost me, emotionally, to do that.’
‘Why didn’t you ever come back?’ Peg at last found the courage to ask. ‘You broke Mam’s heart when you left.’
‘Because you told her why I left!’ Madeline retorted.
‘How do you know I told her?’ Peg flushed guiltily.
‘I asked you to keep my secret but you went and told her.’ Madeline sighed. ‘I don’t blame you. It wasn’t fair of me to expect you to keep such a big secret, especially from our mother.’
‘I had to tell her,’ Peg explained. ‘She was going crazy with grief. She died without ever having the opportunity to forgive you.’
Madeline’s face grew taut with indignation. ‘She didn’t want to forgive me, Peg. Don’t you think I tried to come home?’
‘You did?’ Peg frowned, bewildered.
‘Of course I did. I wanted desperately to come home, but Mam wouldn’t have me.’
‘But you were married then. A respectable wife and mother. Why didn’t she want you to come home?’
‘Because I told her the truth.’
‘You told her that Ellen was Dylan’s?’ Madeline nodded. Peg’s eyes widened. ‘She knew that Ellen was Dylan’s?’
‘And she told me never to set foot in Ballymaldoon again. She disowned me, Peg.’ Madeline’s eyes glistened with tears and her lips wobbled as she fought to control her emotions. ‘I wanted to come home, but I couldn’t. She wouldn’t allow it.’
Peg’s face sagged with sorrow. ‘Oh, Maddie. I never knew. Here we all were, blaming you for staying away, without ever knowing that it wasn’t your fault. Shame on us all!’
‘How could you have known?’
‘We should have known you. I’m sorry. Maddie, I’m so very sorry.’
For the first time since she had arrived, Madeline smiled. ‘Thank you, Peg. You don’t know how much that means to me.’
When Ellen heard the rumble of a car outside the window, her heart gave a leap. She hoped it might be Conor coming back to apologize. Mr Badger woke up and hurried to the door. Bertie grunted and trotted after him. Peg glanced anxiously at M
adeline, who looked back at her, barely daring to breathe. They both expected their brothers.
None of them expected Dylan.
Chapter 29
My world has grown increasingly dark now. I dwell in a constant murkiness, although I know the skies are blue and the air is clear. I am heavy, too, as if I am made of cold mist, like the winter fogs that linger in the valleys and cannot lift. The pleasure I took in nature has been replaced by the perverse pleasure I derive from my unholy mission. I no longer notice the latticed burr oaks on the drive, the mirrored surface of the lake and the pretty yellow heather that grows on the hills, for I am aware only of my purpose and how pleasingly it is unfolding.
Conor now knows that Ellen is engaged to be married. It matters little that she does not want William and that she has no intention of walking up the aisle with him, because Conor knows she loves him; it matters only that she didn’t tell him. It matters a great deal. In fact, trust is more important to Conor than anything else, and Ellen has let him down.
He doesn’t drive back to Reedmace House because our children are there with Daphne. He would probably like to saddle his horse and ride out on the hills to vent his fury. Instead, he goes to the castle and stands before my portrait. I look down at him through the eyes of the painting and he stares up at me with loathing. I am not surprised by his expression, because love and hate are the opposite sides of the same coin. I let him down too, but now I am making it up to him.
He remains there for a long while, gazing at me, and he doesn’t realize that I am here in his vision, if only he could see beyond the paint. Then he sits on the stairs and puts his head in his hands. I sit beside him. You see, I am with him always, and forever will be. He doesn’t need anyone else but me.
While Conor is hurting on the steps of his castle, I am pulled back to Peg’s house to watch the drama being played out in her kitchen. Dylan has come to see with his own eyes the woman he loved and lost. He stands in the doorway, hat in hand, his heavy coat making him look bigger than he really is. Madeline Trawton is so surprised to see him she doesn’t know what to do. She is a hard-looking woman with big hair and lots of make-up, but as she pushes herself up and walks towards him I can see that her legs are trembling. Her blue eyes gaze into his soft, brown ones, and in them she undoubtedly recognizes the boy he once was.
‘Maddie, it is you,’ he whispers.
She is too astonished to speak. Her face softens as she contemplates his. ‘You came for me,’ she says, and I detect a hint of Ireland in the way she says ‘for’.
‘Ellen told you.’
‘Yes.’
‘Of course I came for you, Maddie.’ He smiles sadly.
‘I never knew.’
‘No, you weren’t meant to.’
‘I thought you didn’t want me. I thought you didn’t want Ellen.’
His eyes settle on his daughter who is sitting on the chair with the bird. She is so still, it is almost as if she is a piece of furniture. ‘Jaysus, Maddie, what did you think of me? I loved you then and I always will.’
She seems taken aback by this unexpected declaration of devotion. Dylan is gazing at her with his big, sentimental eyes and she doesn’t know what to do with herself.
‘How did you know I was here?’
‘There’s only one woman in a posh car who’d be asking the way to Peg’s.’ She frowns at him, confused. ‘You asked my Martha for directions and she came back and told me.’
‘Oh.’ Madeline recalls the woman with the dog. ‘Yes, I did.’
There’s an awkward moment as they stare at each other across the vast distance that time has built up between them. They are so close but they might as well be oceans apart. Neither knows how to bridge the gap or how to erase the pain it has engendered. Perhaps it is too deeply entrenched in their hearts ever to be healed.
Dylan now steps into the gulf. He walks right through it with a determined and purposeful stride. She looks frightened, like a pampered poodle being set upon by a wild dog. But Dylan doesn’t care. He is an instinctive, impulsive man. He fells the years with his unwavering commitment to the past and wraps his big arms around her. She stiffens, alarmed, but he only hugs her tighter. Ellen and Peg are both moved. If I didn’t have such a hard heart I would be moved, too. But I am only interested in whether or not Ellen returns to London with her mother.
Madeline Trawton goes limp at last. She puts her arms around Dylan and embraces him back. Peg is quick to grab Ellen’s attention and they leave the room together, hiding out in the sitting room where Ellen hasn’t yet started to write her book. Once they are gone, Madeline begins to cry. She hugs him fiercely and he has no intention of releasing her. ‘It’s all right, Ellen Olenska, I’m here now,’ he says, and I wonder whether he recognizes the girl beneath the woman she has become. I think her tears are the tears of Maddie Byrne. She is in Dylan’s arms and Lady Anthony Trawton has vanished.
She pulls away and smiles at him shyly. Her mascara has run, leaving ugly black trails down her cheeks. ‘You’re still my Dylan, aren’t you?’ she says, and her voice is now soft with affection.
‘I’ve always been your Dylan,’ he replies, and those big brown eyes glitter with emotion.
‘I wasn’t going to come. I was scared. Ellen was an excuse. In my heart I wanted to revisit my past.’
‘Ellen’s a beautiful girl, just like her mam.’
Madeline’s eyes fill with tears again. ‘I’m so sorry, Dylan. I had delusions of grandeur. I wanted a better life than the one we could have had together.’
‘Don’t be hard on yourself . . .’ he begins, but she cuts him off.
‘No, I’m being honest, Dylan. Let me at least give you the truth. I knew you’d run away with me if I asked you to. So, I didn’t give you the opportunity. I ran off with Anthony because I saw a better future.’ Her lips quiver and her face floods with shame. ‘But I realized soon after Ellen was born that I didn’t fit into my new life. I pined for you and I pined for Ireland. I felt imprisoned in concrete and missed the hills and the sea. I regretted my decision and my lie ate away at me so that every time Anthony picked Ellen up and kissed her I resented him, because of my guilt. He wasn’t Ellen’s father but I couldn’t tell him. It was too late. So, I wrote to you. I wanted you to come and get me. I wanted to start again. When you didn’t come, I telephoned my mother and told her the truth.’
‘Jaysus, Maddie. That was bold.’
‘She disowned me, Dylan.’
‘I bet she did.’
‘So, I couldn’t come home. Not ever.’
He takes her hands, for she now looks desperate. ‘You thought we all deserted you. When that couldn’t have been further from the truth.’
‘So, I gave up and threw myself into my new life. I resolved never to speak of Ireland again. I tried to erase you from my memory. Then Ellen comes here and settles into my old life like a cuckoo – and she can, but I can’t. She belongs here in Ballymaldoon like I once did. You can’t imagine how much that hurts. Ellen has brought it all back.’
‘And she’s brought you back.’
‘Yes, she has.’
‘Which is a good thing.’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Yes, it is,’ he says firmly. ‘You’re both home now.’
They sit at the table and Madeline wipes her eyes with the handkerchief Dylan gives her, leaving black stains on the cotton. ‘What’ll you do about Ellen?’ he asks gently. ‘Wild horses won’t get her down the aisle, you know.’
Madeline’s shoulders sink in defeat. ‘I know.’
‘So, let her be. Why force her to be what she’s not?’ He grins. ‘She’s more like you than you realize.’
She pulls at the corner of the handkerchief. ‘I was so worried that Anthony would guess that Ellen wasn’t his, I tried to make her like him. But she broke out of the mould every time I made it, and I saw you, staring defiantly back at me with your big brown eyes, and they had the same wilfulness in them. And I felt guilty and af
raid.’
‘So, let her choose where she wants to be. Your mother was wrong to judge you and she was wrong to stop you coming home. So, don’t be like her.’
Madeline nods then sighs in resignation. ‘What’s this man like?’
‘Conor Macausland? He’s a good man.’
‘I’m afraid I might have ruined it for her.’
‘How?’
‘He drove off in a fury when I told him that Ellen was engaged to a man in England. He accused her of lying to him.’
Dylan shakes his head. ‘That’s a shame.’
‘What can I do?’
‘Nothing. She must go and explain to him.’
‘Do you think he’ll forgive her?’
‘He’s a complicated man with a complicated history, Maddie. I don’t know what he’ll do. But Ellen needs to go and talk to him now.’
So, they go to the sitting room together, where Peg and Ellen are perched uneasily on chairs. They stand expectantly when Dylan and Madeline enter. ‘Shall I make another pot of tea?’ says Peg, who clearly finds comfort in the routine of tea-making.
Madeline looks different now. Her face is no longer hard. The black trails have dried on her skin and under her eyes. Her hair has fallen out of place and curled in the damp Irish air. She looks younger and fragile. ‘Ellen, I think you should go and explain things to Conor,’ she begins.
‘I’m not coming home,’ Ellen interrupts defensively.
‘I know that and it’s OK. I hope I haven’t ruined it for you. Dylan says Conor’s a good man.’
Ellen is surprised. She hadn’t expected her mother to change her mind so easily. ‘He is a good man,’ she replies.
‘Take my car, pet, and go and get him,’ says Peg.
As Ellen makes for the door, Mr Badger begins to bark and wag his tail. ‘Jaysus, Mary and holy St Joseph!’ Peg exclaims. ‘Can it get any more dramatic?’ She opens the kitchen door and the dog bounds out to greet Desmond, Johnny, Craic and Ryan climbing out of their cars. Word has got around, as it always does in Ballymaldoon, and they have all come to see their sister.
Peg is so nervous she heads straight for the stove to wet the tea. As she takes the mugs down from the cupboard her hands are shaking again. Madeline and Dylan give each other a long, hard stare, and I think they both know that they are going to have to tell the boys the truth.
Secrets of the Lighthouse Page 32