“Let’s get a shower,’’ he said in a whisper, his voice not as commanding as he usually was.
I didn’t want to separate our bodies and I didn’t want to look at him with fear that he’d see how deep my weakness ran in my eyes, but I still nodded and pulled back slowly, reluctance in my every muscle protesting.
He cupped my face and placed a soft kiss on my lips. It was a quick one, but so soft and sweet that it only made it more obvious that he had made himself a spot in my heart without trying to do so.
“Come on, little wife,’’ he said quietly, looking away from me then when I started to sink into him, losing myself in the depth of his dark eyes.
Once again, like a doll, I nodded and followed his lead by standing to my legs still trembling from the most intense orgasm I had ever experienced. When I pulled my hands off his body, he quickly rose to his feet and claimed my hand in his big one. He toed off his shoes and stepped out of his slacks and underwear, not caring that the living room was a mess of clothes thrown everywhere. His attention was solely on me.
***
MATHIS
Wrapped in towels, we went to the dressing room attached to the bedroom, each going to our side where all of our clothes were hung or folded. I kept Lila in my line of sight, unable to stop looking at her or fully break the link that tied me to her. I bet my mind was still scrambled from the sex on the couch, but I felt something I had no name for at that moment, but it was soft and lessened some of the burden I always carried with me.
Showering with her had been a new experience in itself. It wasn’t that it was the first time I shared a shower with a woman, it was because nothing happened in that shower but showering and helping each other getting clean. With her little hands on me, on my back, taking her time to wash me, it gave me a new appreciation for intimacy. I also realized that wanting to cuddle wasn’t such a bad thing, but I still had no idea how to go about it and if it would be well received. That too, I put it on the mind-blowing sex we had about fifteen minutes ago. That wasn’t like me at all.
I snatched pajama pants from a shelf and mentally cursed myself as I put them on, dropping the towel to the floor. When I bent down to retrieve my damp towel, I heard Lila sighing. It immediately brought my attention back to her and I stared as she perused her stack of sexy negligees and other lacy things she had to sleep in. It was still early, but it looked like we both wanted to kick back.
“What’s wrong?’’
She shook her head without looking my way, a hand protecting her towel around her when I wouldn’t mind if the damn thing fell to uncover all of her beauty.
“I don’t have anything to wear that isn’t lace, see-through or satin.’’ She glowered at her clothes. “At Carter Manor they didn’t let us have more than one pajama deemed unbecoming for a future trophy wife. We were supposed to always wear sexy little things.’’ She sighed again. “I should have gone shopping.’’
I turned back to face my side of the dressing room and grabbed an old hoodie I used to wear sometimes when I needed a break from my stifling suits when at home and away from prying eyes. If I looked in the back of the dresser I could also find a pair or two of jeans. I went to Lila with the hoodie in hand and gave it to her.
“Wear that,’’ I said ruefully, my frown coming back as I became more aware by the second that too much was changing at once between us, but I didn’t know how to stop it or if I really wanted to. I had opened a part of me I had kept mostly hidden for almost two decades and I told her something I had never dared saying aloud, even less in someone else’s presence. She blinked at the old hoodie in her hands as if it was a foreign object. My frown deepened. “It’s just a hoodie, Lila.’’
She shook her head and said nothing as she let her towel fall to quickly put on the hoodie, giving me a very brief view of her perfect curves and tantalizing skin. I clenched my hands at my sides and glared at the floor when I felt my dick starting to come to life again. It shouldn’t be difficult to kill off that erection if she wore a hoodie way too big for her, but I just learned something about myself.
Staring at my sexy wife when she wore my hoodie that fell from her shoulders and stopped mid-thigh while her breasts barely appeared under the large thing was insanely sexy. I didn’t remember having a more intense reaction to seeing her wearing one of her sexy little things to bed. A negligee or my hoodie… it was all the same sexy level to me.
“What? Don’t look at me like that, I know I must look ridiculous.’’
“Is that what you think?’’ I asked and walked closer to her, invading her space until she had to tilt her head back to keep her eyes on mine. With her clear blue eyes it was easy to see when her pupils blew up and it only made me harder to realize that she reacted to me as strongly as I reacted to her. I had never had such an insatiable need for a woman before Lila. I caressed the exposed skin of her shoulder and crouched to bring my face to hers. “I’m getting hard again just looking at you in my hoodie.’’
I watched as her throat worked, took in her skin that pebbled under my fingers. It was mesmerizing and fascinating to witness my wife’s body reaction to me. But all too soon she had to break the mounting tension.
She took a step back and tugged on the hem of the hoodie as if it’d magically make it longer. It only served to uncover even more of her shoulder.
“Mathis,’’ she said and then surprised us both by laughing. Her eyes widened at hearing the sound coming from her pretty mouth. She put a hand in front of her mouth and then stopped laughing. The silence seemed deafening in comparison and it was like snatching me from a warm place to throw me outside with nothing on when there’s a blizzard. Her laugh, a laugh because of me, made me light. The moment we shared on the couch and the shower already made me feel lighter than I had felt in a long time, but her laugh made me remember what it was like to be burden free.
Since we had married, things had moved inside of me, changing and morphing into something else, something I’d call new, but was old and long forgotten. I was slowly reminded what it was like before Max to be happy, or as close to it a man like me could be.
“You have a beautiful laugh,’’ I said and then walked out of the dressing room, eyes downcast. Shit, everything was too much. Too soon. Too…
Bare feet padded on the floor, getting closer to me until they stopped behind me. Her eyes on me burned, warming me almost uncomfortably. If I wasn’t careful it was a sensation I would soon become addicted to.
“It’s been a long time since I last laughed,’’ she said, her quiet voice soothing the rawness of the feelings rising inside me like a tide threatening to crumble the city I had built on the ruins left by Max’s death. “Anyway,’’ she went on, her voice louder as if pushing away whatever just happened. “I’m starving. I’m going to check what Mrs. McCarthy cooked for us. Do you… do you want to come with me?’’
I stood still for an instant before I turned around to face Lila and on her face I only saw uncertainty and a figuratively extended hand. “I could eat,’’ I said, a bit puzzled to find out that she wasn’t trying to put space between us. Usually, she tended to avoid spending as much time with me as possible, unless when she was trying to get me to say more than I should.
She offered me a small smile that quickly vanished and turned around, still tugging on the hoodie to keep her perfect round ass covered. I followed her once she left the bedroom, my eyes fixed on her ass, hoping I’d get a peek. The hope of getting a glimpse of her body underneath only made the desire more pronounced.
Lila went straight to the fridge once we entered the kitchen and gasped when she opened it. I saw her little toes painted in a dark color curling on the floor. “It’s cold!’’ she blurted and quickly grabbed something inside and closed the door with her elbow.
I leaned against the kitchen bar and kept my eyes on her, watching intently as she moved around, uncovering Mrs. McCarthy’s plate and humming in contentment. Her every move was flowing seamlessly, elegant in her every breath. My fascination
only grew as days passed.
“Pork roast with potatoes,’’ she announced and glanced at me to gauge my reaction.
“Her pork roast is always a delight,’’ I approved and went to retrieve some plates and cutlery in the appropriate cupboards to place them on the kitchen bar in front of the high stools while Lila went to warm up our meal.
“You trust her a lot, don’t you?’’ she asked, her attention solely on the pork roast while I tensed, pouring us a glass of wine from an already opened bottle to complement our meal.
My grip around the bottle tightened, but I soon relaxed. Lila was my wife and she couldn’t uncover any more of my secrets because I had none. She knew my core and I was still standing. It hadn’t killed me, it only made me feel more lost than I ever thought possible, even years after losing my better half.
“She used to work for my parents. My mother wanted Mrs. McCarthy to come and work for me when I bought this place. In hindsight, I suppose it was her way of ensuring that her son was taken care of.’’ I sat on the bar stool and watched blankly as Lila served our plates and rounded the bar to come and sit next to me, in front of her steaming plate.
“It’s a really sweet gesture.’’ She smiled at me and took her wine glass, raising it in a silent toast before her pillowy lips closed around the glass to take a small sip.
“My mother had been doing everything she could while giving me space I wanted and forced on her.’’ Fork in hand, I pushed around the meat on my plate. My appetite had abated. “I don’t deserve that kind of devotion.’’
“Sylvie is the kind of mother who gives her love without condition, just like it’s supposed to be.’’ She took a bite, but kept her eyes on me.
“I’m the reason for her losing her son, Lila.’’
“Because you were the one pushing your brother to go surfing?’’ She shook her head and stopped eating, dropping her fork and knife on the plate without checking if she was making a mess. Her eyes turned hard on me. “Tell me, at thirteen I’m sure you had to ask permission to your parents before you went surfing. Am I right?’’
I nodded and rubbed at my throbbing temple. Thinking back to that day never failed to bring out my darkest thoughts, but for once I didn’t feel like going off on Lila or losing control. I wasn’t breaking down. My breathing was even and my body didn’t shake. For once, the pain I felt kept on the inside, a wound that would never fully close, but was on the way to scarring. And it scared me. Somehow, it felt as if I was losing more of my twin brother, as if letting go would snatch away more of him than I had already lost. As irrational as it was, it made my palms sweaty as stress started to come.
“Forecast said it would be a day with small waves. My father said he’d join us later.’’ My voice was rough as images of that day came back. I could still see the cloudless sky, smell the salty ocean and remember how it felt to be floating in the water. It’s been almost twenty years since I had last gone swimming. “It only took one bigger wave.’’
Her little hand went to my thigh, bringing me back before I got lost in the past. I stared at her and found compassion written all over her face. I thought I’d hate to see that on her because I didn’t deserve it considering going surfing had been my idea and I had forced Max to go when he wanted to finish reading his book first, but her compassion pushed away some of the self-loathing I never ceased to feel.
“You blame yourself for what happened and I’m pretty sure your father blames himself because he agreed to let you go. It’s useless, Mathis. As awful as it is, accidents happen. After all, if Max hadn’t really wanted to go, he would have said no, don’t you think?’’
I tensed and shook my head once. “Max always followed my lead. He wouldn’t have said no.’’
“Okay,’’ she said, her voice soft and soothing. “But it’s not because it was your idea that it’s your fault.’’ She took a deep breath and one look at her told me that she would share more of herself and something painful. I recognized that haunted look from seeing it most of the time when I stared at myself in the mirror and realized that there should be two like me. “I don’t think I told you how I got to be placed in the foster care system. Well, maybe you already know if you’ve—’’
“I didn’t dig up that far in your past,’’ I cut her off, turning on the stool to face her. She kept her hand on my thigh, the warmth of her palm seeping through the thin material of the pajama pants I had on.
She nodded and looked down at her lap as her hand shook slightly on my leg. If grief had a smell, I smelled it pouring out of her in that moment. It was so familiar. I put a hand over hers to cover it. It was something I wouldn’t do in a normal circumstance, but nothing was normal between us, or maybe it was the normal for other people and we discovered it little by little.
“It’s been a long time and I don’t remember my parents much. My memories of them are very few and most of the time they don’t feel real.’’ She cleared her throat then. I saw her holding onto her inner strength, a strength so much more commendable than mine and looked up at me. “There’s one memory I have and it’s etched in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I had just gotten over the flu and I was tired. I wanted ice cream but we didn’t have any left so I asked my parents if we could go and buy some. They didn’t want to at first, but I begged them and they finally agreed. I’d been cooped up in our little apartment for a week, so we all went to the small store on the next street over. On the way we were attacked by some guy who wanted their wallets and my father tried to push him away. The man killed both my parents with his knife and ran when I screamed. They were both dead almost instantly.’’ She shook her head, dispelling her memory from her beautiful eyes. “What I’m saying is, do you think I was the reason why my parents got killed?’’
“Of course not, Lila.’’ I stood up and went to stand between her legs. She tilted her head up to keep her eyes on my face. I cupped her face in one hand, my heart hurting for that little girl who saw her parents get killed in front of her. I was also awed to be in the presence of such a strong woman. The fire inside of her burning so bright had immediately called out to me, but where I knew her strength was impressive, I hadn’t thought for one moment how incredible that woman truly was for never losing herself, even after such a traumatic event. “Your situation is very different from mine. Shit, you shouldn’t have had to witness that.’’
“You’re missing the point, Mathis,’’ she said, her voice soft and without any trace of the bitterness you would expect after unearthing a painful memory. Contrary to me, she didn’t let one moment define her whole life or herself. “I was the one begging for ice cream, just like you were the one who wanted to go and surf with Max. How is my situation any different to yours? The important thing is that you realize that you didn’t kill your brother.’’
My throat closed up and my hand cupping her face shook. She covered it with her own, but it didn’t settle me. If anything her warmth made me even more aware of the coldness growing inside me, the kind that stemmed from pain and regrets, from loss of control and sight of who I was.
“Then what, huh? It was just a damn freak accident?’’
“It was a devastating accident, but an accident nobody could have seen coming. You can try and have control over everything Mathis, and still some things will be out of your realm of action. I mean, you or I could cross a street and be driven over by a lunatic cab. Anything can happen at any given time. Your brother died that day, but it wasn’t because of you. If you really want to blame something, blame the ocean, that wave. Not yourself.’’
“Easier said than done.’’ I breathed her in, and closed my eyes, fighting off the panic attack mounting inside of me and it took me off guard to feel it receding. It slowly abated as more of Lila’s warmth invaded my revolting body. When she locked her legs around me and wrapped her arms around my waist to put her head against my chest where she probably heard my heart hammering maddeningly there, the tension left me at once and instead of the empty impressio
n I always got afterward, I felt her. She was inside me, under my damn skin.
Hesitantly, I wrapped my arms around her and put my chin on top of her head.
“What happened to the man who killed your parents?’’ I asked after a while, my voice no louder than a whisper.
“He got arrested. Someone witnessed their murders and was able to testify. I haven’t been keeping tabs on that man since. I don’t want to know what happened to him or if he’s been released because I don’t want that awful night to rule my life and change me more than it already did. He stole a life I should have had and I don’t want to give him my present and my future too.’’
“You have so much strength.’’
“If I had, I wouldn’t have immediately agreed when Mrs. Stein dangled three meals a day, new clothes and a rich future in front of me. I wouldn’t have sold myself like that because I was scared of living on the streets.’’
I pulled back and kept my hands on her shoulders while she toyed with the elastic of my pajama pants riding low on my hips.
“Shit, you were homeless! Of course you’d agree to someone vowing to give you a chance at a better life.’’ I brushed her skin with my thumbs and marveled when I saw goosebumps breaking out on her skin once again. “Is this so bad?’’
“No,’’ she said, voice low and uncertainty shaking her voice as her hands stopped toying with my pajama pants to settle at my hips. “This isn’t bad at all, strangely.’’
“Good.’’ I smiled at her and she answered with one of her own, brightening her eyes so much that I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to. Her eyes were two jewels on her face, two precious jewels shining bright and reflecting the light to chase away the shadows lurking inside me. “It’s really good.’’
“Carter Manor hadn’t prepared me for this,’’ she said with derision in her voice. Her thumbs caressed my skin just above the elastic of my pajama pants. Tingles spread out and I cupped her face again in my hands.
“What was it like over there? I was served with the very business-like sales talk, but other than classes on etiquette, languages and some reading, I have no idea of what it was like for you.’’
Be A Doll: A Carter Manor Novel Page 28