My Very UnFairy Tale Life

by Anna Staniszewski

  Mother, I heard Prince Lamb say. It’s me.

  The queen’s eyes went wide. Lamb? Can it really be you?

  Yes. Klarr transformed me and trapped me in his dungeon. But Jenny helped me escape.

  The queen still looked uncertain, clearly suspecting a trap. She went over to the prince and sniffed him. Finally, she stepped back and shook her woolly head in disbelief. It is you! She bent her neck and nuzzled Prince Lamb’s hand with her nose. Then she turned to me. You will be handsomely reward for returning my son to me.

  I felt myself blush. Oh, that’s okay. If you can just figure out a way to send me home, that should be fine.

  The queen’s dark eyes widened. But what about defeating Klarr?

  I thought you were going to help us, said Prince Lamb.

  I was asked to rescue you, and I did. I didn’t spend all that time running away from Klarr so I could go running back to him.

  But our kingdom needs you, said the queen.

  I felt bad leaving Speak in Klarr’s monstrous hands, but there was no way I’d go anywhere near him again. I’m sorry, Your Majesty. You’ll have to find someone else.

  But Jenny, said the prince, right before Klarr took away your mouth, there was a moment when he showed weakness. Didn’t you see it?

  I thought back to those terrible minutes before Klarr cast the Silence spell on me. The sorcerer had had me paralyzed by his energy beam, and then Anthony had appeared. As I thought about it again, I remembered how Klarr had suddenly grabbed his head as if he’d been in pain. I’d been in so much pain myself that I’d barely noticed it.

  He did flinch, I said. But I don’t know what caused it.

  Don’t you see? That means there’s hope. There might be a way to defeat him. You can’t give up now.

  I shook my head. I couldn’t face Klarr again, not when I hadn’t even recovered from his attack. Who knew when I’d be able to get my mouth back? But I had to admit it was more than that. I was scared, plain and simple. Klarr was more terrifying than any other bad guy I’d gone up against. I knew running away made me a bad adventurer, not to mention a total wimp, but I didn’t care. I’d rather be a living coward than a dead hero.

  I’m sorry, I said again. You’ll have to ask the Committee to send someone else.

  Queen Ewe’s eyes got even wider. Images of stampeding unicorns flashed through my mind. I didn’t want to make any more enemies, but I wasn’t about to get myself killed to avoid it.

  Before I could say anything else, there was a sudden, loud Pop!

  Things around me shifted, and I felt something pulling me off the ground.

  What the—?

  I was snatched out of the world, thrown around in a colorless void, and dumped on a cold tile floor.

  When I opened my eyes, I was surprised to see Dr. Bradley’s smiling face above me. But any relief I might have felt disappeared when I caught sight of the Committee a few feet away.

  “Let’s get you up,” said Dr. Bradley, helping me to my feet. He was holding the clunky cell phone he’d given me earlier. “When you didn’t return, I knew something must have happened. I kept calling the phone until one of the lovely Committee members answered.”

  I was barely listening. Instead, I was frantically looking around for any sign of Klarr. If he’d found me in the Committee’s waiting room before, what was to stop him from tracking me down again?

  “What’s the matter, Jenny?” said Dr. Bradley.

  Klarr could be here any second! I mind-spoke—or rather, mind-screamed—at the doctor before remembering that he couldn’t hear me. I did my best to mime Klarr’s painted eyes and menacing smile.

  “Not to worry,” Dr. Bradley said, finally understanding. “Regrettably, Klarr must have been monitoring the portal I sent you through before. But the Committee members have since changed their location, and you were brought here with their magic. There is no chance Klarr could have followed you.”

  I wasn’t convinced.

  “I assure you, you’re perfectly secure now,” Dr. Bradley added. “I promise.”

  Was I really safe? The panic slowly faded, and I started thinking clearly again.

  “I have good news!” said Dr. Bradley. “Your paperwork has gone through. The Committee can give you your mouth back.”

  Finally! I practically jumped up and clicked my heels together with joy.

  “Come along.” Dr. Bradley led me toward the long table and stood me in the center of the green circle.

  “You have returned, Jennifer,” the Committee said. “And we have received word that you were successful in your mission to retrieve Prince Lamb.”

  I nodded.

  “You were?” said Dr. Bradley. “Why, that’s wonderful news!”

  “Unacceptable!” the Committee yelled at him.

  Dr. Bradley blushed. “My sincerest apologies, dear members of the Committee. I won’t speak out of turn again.”

  The women nodded in unison and turned back to me. “We are now authorized to return your mouth.”

  The Committee members picked up four identical pens with four identical hands and leaned forward to sign four identical pieces of paper. The moment they put down their pens, my face began to burn.

  “Ah!”

  I looked around before I realized that the sound had come from me. From my mouth. I had a mouth!

  “It’s back!” I ran my fingers over my mouth and bit my lips because I could. I’d never felt so happy to have a mouth before.

  “Your mouth has been reinstated,” the Committee said.

  “Thank you!” I said, not even caring how unfair they’d been to me the last time I’d seen them. I turned to Dr. Bradley. “And thank you too! Oh, and before I forget, your mother called.”

  “My dear mum?” he said, his face brightening. “I haven’t talked to her in ages!”

  The Committee members loudly cleared their throats. “Jennifer. Now that we have the matter of your mouth settled, we must discuss your mission.”

  My excitement fizzled. “My mission? My mission is over. You said so yourselves. I rescued the prince.”

  “That was only part of your assignment,” said the Committee. “Your main mission was to stop Klarr. You have not completed that task.”

  “Why can’t you just use your magic to do it?” I said. “If you can give me my mouth back, why can’t you give everyone in Speak theirs back too?”

  “It is not about mouths,” said the Committee. “If we reinstated everyone’s mouths, Klarr would merely find another way to attack. He must be taken care of.”

  “Then take care of him!”

  “Silence!” said the Committee. “We will not be given orders by a young adventurer. This mission was given to you, and you must complete it.”

  I glared at each of the women. “Says who?”

  “It is in your contract.”

  “What contract?”

  The Committee members waved their hands. A piece of paper floated toward me and unrolled itself. It was blank except for my name, written in green crayon. I stared, trying to figure out when I could have possibly signed it. And then I remembered. On that first day, more than three years earlier, when Anthony had appeared in my bedroom and offered to make me an adventurer, he’d had me write my name. “It’s just a formality,” he’d told me, smacking away on a piece of gum. And I’d trusted him.

  “That’s not a contract,” I said. “It only has my name on it.”

  “The fine print is invisible,” said the Committee, “but it is still binding. According to the contract, you agree to complete every adventure you are sent on. You cannot be released from it until you fulfill your obligation.”

  “But that’s not fair. What about the last mission you sent me on? I didn’t complete that one either. I was suppos
ed to teach those unicorns about sharing, but they just chased me away.”

  “We are here to discuss your current mission,” said the Committee. “According to our rules, you are contractually obligated to defeat Klarr.”

  “I didn’t know what I was signing,” I said. “You can’t hold me to that.”

  “We can and we will.”

  “No!” I cried. “That crazy sorcerer’s already tortured me and taken my mouth away. I’m not going anywhere near him again!”

  The Committee members looked at each other in silence. I had the feeling no one had ever yelled at them before. But I didn’t care. They couldn’t make me go on a suicide mission.

  “We are disappointed,” they said finally. “We expected a lot from you, Jennifer. Your parents were the best adventurers we’d ever seen. We hoped you would be the greatest of all.”

  Chapter 11

  I stared at the Committee, sure I’d heard wrong. “My what?”

  “Your parents.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “My dear ladies,” said Dr. Bradley, hobbling forward. “Perhaps this is not the best time to—”

  “Unacceptable!”

  Dr. Bradley pushed up his glasses. “But surely, it is too soon—”

  “No, I want to hear this,” I interrupted. My heart was drumming in my chest. I turned back to the Committee. “Are you saying my parents were adventurers?”

  The women exchanged uncertain looks. “We should not have spoken of this.”

  “Tell me!” I said. “Who were they? What happened to them?”

  The Committee members whispered among themselves for a moment. Finally, they nodded in unison and turned back to me. “As we said, your parents were the greatest of adventurers. No one knows what became of them. They were on a mission when they disappeared. It is most regrettable.”

  “Regrettable?” How could they talk about my parents like they were a set of lost keys? “What mission? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

  “It is classified information,” said the Committee. “Released only to top-priority personnel.”

  “They’re my parents! Doesn’t that make me top priority?”

  “You are too young,” said the Committee. “Such information is only released after the age of eighteen.”

  “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I repeated. The giant room suddenly felt too small, and I could hardly breathe. How could any of what they’d said be true? All this time I’d thought my parents had just been normal people who’d mysteriously vanished, and now it turned out they’d disappeared because they’d been adventurers?

  “Jenny,” said Dr. Bradley, his voice low and sad. “I wanted desperately to tell you. But perhaps it was for the best. Think how upset you would have been if—”

  “I’m upset right now! You lied to me! How could you expect me to become an adventurer when adventuring made my parents disappear?”

  “It wasn’t his place to tell you,” said the Committee. “It was not yet time.”

  “What gives you the right to decide something like that?”

  “We are the Committee. If you are to be an adventurer, you will agree to follow our rules.”

  “Well, I don’t agree to follow your rules anymore. If you don’t tell me what happened to my parents, I’m never going on another adventure!”

  The hall throbbed with stunned silence.

  “You cannot threaten us in this manner,” the Committee said finally. “You cannot simply quit. You signed the contract.”

  “Yes, I can.” I grabbed the contract still hanging in the air and tore it in half. The Committee let out a collective gasp.

  “Jenny, I implore you—” Dr. Bradley began.

  “No!” I said. “I’m sick of having no friends and always getting hurt and following orders just because I’m told to. I don’t want to be an adventurer anymore. I just want to be a normal girl.” I ripped the contract in half again, and then again, until it was just a bunch of tiny pieces of paper. Then I threw the pieces in the air and watched them fall around me like confetti.

  “You have destroyed the contract!” said the Committee. “Your behavior is unacceptable! Unacceptable!”

  An instant later, invisible hands dragged me away from the Committee’s table. This time I didn’t struggle. I couldn’t have been happier to get away from the Committee. I never wanted to see those women again.

  After the invisible hands dumped me on the floor of the waiting room, I scrambled to my feet. My head was pounding. I didn’t even notice Anthony the Gnome sitting in one of the nearby chairs until his voice echoed through the room.

  “There you are,” he said, popping a jelly bean in his mouth. “That was taking forever.”

  I wanted to tear the jelly beans from his hands and mash them into nothing. How could he have tricked me into signing that contract? But just then Dr. Bradley opened the door and limped in.

  “Thank goodness you’re here, Anthony,” he said. “Maybe you can talk some sense into her.”

  “About what?”

  “I quit,” I told him. “I tore up that fake contract you made me sign, and I told the Committee I was done following their stupid rules.”

  Anthony gaped at me. For once, he seemed to be speechless.

  “I’ve never seen the Committee members so angry,” said Dr. Bradley.

  “It’s their fault for lying to me,” I said. “Now, will one of you tell me what happened to my parents? What kind of mission were they on?”

  Dr. Bradley shook his head. “I’m afraid we don’t know. Their adventures were of the utmost secrecy. All I can tell you is that the magical worlds were greatly saddened when they didn’t return.”

  Anthony nodded, his usual smile gone. “I must have eaten a wheelbarrow full of chocolate the day I found out. Your parents were the best.”

  I looked away. I didn’t think I could stand to hear any more. “Please take me home.”

  “But leaving now would be a grave mistake,” said Dr. Bradley. “The Committee might still be willing to accept your apology.”

  I almost laughed. “I don’t have anything to apologize for. They’re the ones who tricked me. Why should I work for them?”

  “Because the magical worlds need you, Jenny. You’re one of the most talented adventurers we’ve had in a long time.”

  “All I do is say cheesy things and get hurt by crazed unicorns and psycho sorcerers. Anyone could do that.” I shook my head. “I’m done. Being an adventurer used to be fun. But now…” I didn’t want to disappear like my parents had. I didn’t want to go to a magical world and never come back. And I didn’t want to be around people who lied to me. “I just want my normal life back.”

  “But, Jenny, it’s not that simple,” said Dr. Bradley.

  “He’s right, Jenny-girl. Why would you want to go back to your boring old life anyway? Your friends don’t even remember who you are.”

  I blinked at him. “What did you say?”

  The rosy color drained out of Anthony’s cheeks. “Oh, um, I just mean—”

  “What Anthony means is you’ve lost touch with them,” Dr. Bradley interrupted. “It will be hard to make new friends after all this time.”

  “That’s not what he said.” I marched up to Anthony. “You said they don’t remember who I am.” I thought of the empty stares I always got from Melissa and Trish anytime I tried to talk to them, and the way they’d act as if I were a complete stranger. What if they weren’t mad at me? What if they really had no idea who I was? “What did you do to them?” I demanded.

  Anthony gulped and looked to Dr. Bradley for help.

  “Jenny,” said the doctor. “Believe me, neither of us meant to—”

  “Tell me!”

  “We had to do it, Jenny-girl. Melissa
and Trish heard you talking to me about one of your adventures. They knew way more than they should have. We needed to wipe their memories to make sure the magical worlds were kept secret.”

  “Please understand,” said Dr. Bradley, “the Committee would never allow regular humans to know of other worlds. Your earth is very young and has yet to develop its own magic.” He sighed before continuing, his voice barely above a whisper. “Our intention wasn’t to make your friends forget you, just what they’d heard. But we must have miscalculated.”

  “So you took all their memories of me?”

  Anthony stepped forward. “We tried to reverse the spell, but that didn’t work.”

  “We hoped it would wear off in time, and it still may,” Dr. Bradley added. “Sometimes something as simple as a sudden shock can reverse the spell.”

  I couldn’t believe it. Had they been lying to me about everything? “So because the Committee is paranoid about the spread of magic, my friends can’t have any memories of me?”

  “Please believe that I am very sorry. And so is Anthony.”

  The gnome nodded. For once he looked genuinely concerned. But I didn’t care how Anthony felt. I hated him. I hated them both.

  “I want to go home right now,” I said.

  “But—”

  “Take me home!”

  Dr. Bradley gave a reluctant nod and looked at Anthony. The gnome sighed and snapped his fingers. Pop!

  I was pulled out of the world, tossed around, and dumped onto my kitchen floor, alongside Anthony and Dr. Bradley.

  As I got to my feet, Aunt Evie came into the room holding a mug of tea.

  “Oh,” she said, looking back and forth between the gnome and the doctor.

  “It’s all right, Aunt Evie. They’re leaving.”

  “Jenny…” Dr. Bradley pleaded, but I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear anything else he had to say.

  “I’m done. It’s over. I’m never going on an adventure again.”

  Dr. Bradley looked on the verge of begging, but Anthony gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Come on, old man. It’s obvious we’re not wanted here.” Then he took Dr. Bradley’s arm and led him out the door.