by U
"Mellow Hits" album on the turntable. Before I knew it, Carole King
was singing "Like a Natural Woman."
As soon as it came on, I asked Nick to change the record to
something else. It pains me to listen to it. I associate it with Polly
Ellsworth and can’t hear it without becoming depressed. I know it’s
stupid but I can’t help it.
Throughout the evening, we gabbed about women. Of course we
learned nothing new, merely confirming our worst fears and
suspicions. As men, we frankly admit we would be nowhere without
them, and it is their power over us that disturbs us. I mean really.
They are what we want.
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Given that, how in the hell are we supposed to have an equal
relationship with them? Huh? Answer me fucking that. Once you’ve
broken through sexually with a woman, you are never the same
afterwards. It’s a wonder to behold. They can have about a zillion
orgasms to your one and only (for at least a half hour) puny one. How
can you compete with that?
"It’s 1972 and I’m at this bar in Peoria," Nick said. "And I’m
telling this blond babe that I’ve got my van loaded and I’m heading
west in the morning. The next thing I know we’re fucking like minks
in her apartment. Never anything like it in all my life. She wanted it
all night long, and I mean again and again. It was like she was on fire.
We must have fucked ten times that night. Then, around 10:00 AM,
I’m loading her stuff into the van on top of mine and we’re leaving
together. On the way we get married in Reno."
"This would be Clarice, I presume?" I said.
"You got it."
Then it was Harry’s turn.
"My wedding day in Los Angeles was the worst day of my life,"
Harry said, still shuddering at the memory. "I just wanted to run. I
felt like a hunted animal who has just been treed by a pack of barking
hounds. Trapped! But there was no escape because Shana was
already fucking pregnant! The first time we ever fucked she got
knocked up."
After comparing Shana and her family to coon hounds, Harry went
on to describe the years of marriage, the almost non-existent sex life,
the terrible jobs, the fights, and the ultimate dismissal of his services.
I tapped the ash from my cigar into Harry’s giant pizza-pan sized terra
cotta ashtray, nodding in sympathy. I could picture the scenes in my
head with precise clarity. Then it was my turn to confess.
"Gentlemen," I said expansively, taking a big slug of wine. "Those
are indeed terrifying stories. However, I have tales of the perfidy of
the feminine gender that will make the very hair on your testicles
stand straight up. These ghastly horrors are so gruesome that I
hesitate to speak of them in a voice above a whisper. Have you heard
The Case of the Registered Nurse?"
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We went on like that until almost 2:00 AM, at which point I
dragged myself back to my cabin, collapsed on the bed and slept for
thirteen hours.
I woke up feeling great, ready to roll again.
Worked on my book all day. I’m such a perfectionist. I gotta do it
my own way, like Captain Queeg, rolling those little metal balls
between his fingers.
Beginning to have misgivings about the anti-homosexual stuff in
The Dark City. I’m not sure people will understand that I am
ridiculing the prejudice, not echoing it. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m
making fun of gays, which I’m not. Nobody understands me. That’s
because they are smart and I am stupid.
On my work table is a copy of the diary of Anais Nin. One spacey
chick, that Anais. But apparently she liked fucking.
* * * *
May 13, 1978
Took a drive out to Heceta Beach on this wet, frigid, rainy
afternoon. At the end of the south jetty I got out and walked.
Walking in the rain, bundled against the wind, thinking.
That was me. Too cold for swimming. It’s one of those days when
raindrops run down the windows all day long and you’re happy to stay
indoors.
But not me. I had to get out for a while. The woman at the Rhody
store told me this was her favorite kind of weather, and I can
understand why. On a day like this you want to have the fire burning
in the fireplace and a hot spiced wine in your hand. Better yet, you’d
like to have your squeeze snuggled up on the sofa beside you.
I have none of the above. Instead I walked in the rain for an hour,
getting soaking wet. Now I am sitting here all alone in my cabin
swilling a cold can of Bud, drying my hair and listening to the thrum
of the electric heater. I just realized that I am only happy when I am
writing. At no other time.
Typed Chap. 8 again this morning. It came out beautifully. I
should have no more trouble with it. I keep touching the story up,
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working it over. Hmmm. Perhaps it will never be finished. What can
I say? What else can I do?
Sure would like to get it published. Sometimes I think I am really
on to something, but I am completely subjective about the product,
and therefore not reliable.
I will continue working on it as ideas occur. Soon I will put the
initial inquiries in the mail, with Chap. 49 attached. Thus I will begin
my sales campaign. Right now I have about a dozen other projects in
the planning stages as well.
My hopes are high for The Dark City. I am well aware of what it
means in terms of my life, how forcefully it speaks of future plans,
future schemes.
A knock at the door. Dammit!
Later: Sheee-it. Some rain-soaked devotee of the Unification
Church just pestered me for a donation. A fucking Moonie! I sent
him away. In his pathetic quest for spiritual fulfillment, the guy was
selling candy door-to-door. In the pouring rain, no less.
Oh, the things people will do when they are brainwashed by a cult!
He is about my age. Dammit. It was so depressing.
Ruined my evening.
* * * *
May 14, 1978
The structure of The Dark City is tight and interrelated, as befits a
confessional novel. Topics are consciously selected to suggest a
colorful subconscious world.
The novel takes the form of a search. Dale Murphy is a rebel
alienated from authority and frightened by life. He is searching for
someone or something that will give him a reason to go on. He isn’t
cruel himself but is sure that all human existence is the work of a
malevolent, not merciful, creator.
In the meantime, Dale’s search for meaning consists mainly of
smoking dope, drinking booze, and trying to score with any chick he
can lay his hands on. The daughters of Eve are all over the place. But
it is hard to find a compatible one. Most have bought into the bullshit,
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one way or the other. But Dale does have some interesting encounters
along the way.
That is basically the whole plot.
* * * *
May 15, 1978
Yep. I gotta get cracking on this final touch up. It won’t be too
bad. The first chapters came out 99 percent perfect. Lillian Hellman
said that Dashiell Hammett took great care in the way his writing
looked on the page. I think I know what Dash was doing. The
crispness and quality of the copy is important to me, which is why I
am not completely done yet. In this, I will settle for nothing less than
my total best effort.
But I’ve slowed down the past couple of weeks. Been puffing
some powerful reefer instead. Now I better get back to work if I’m
going to have any time left to work on my tan this summer.
I estimate 45 days, 60 at the most before I’m done.
Now to light another Marlboro.
* * * *
May 18, 1978
Had a long day on the job yesterday. Did not do any work at night
because I was too wasted. Got stoned instead and just spaced out.
Met Clarice the other day, the soon-to-be ex-wife of Harry’s
roommate Nick. Hmmm.
I feel like I know her intimately already. She is rather pretty in a
hard-bitten control freak sort of way and looks as though she could be
a real bitch if she put her mind to it. But Clarice also looks like she
could fuck like a champ, under the right circumstances.
There are times when my enforced solitude appears to be a blessing
in disguise. I’ve done all the fighting I want to do with crabby, pushy
women. Most are usually too self-absorbed to argue with
successfully. You might as well argue with a cow. Moooo! It’s
practically the same thing.
Later: I just wrapped up Chap. 13 as a complete re-write. I’m sort
of jumping around, doing a little here and a little there. Small
changes. My confidence grows and shrinks.
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I am not quite sure why I keep this up, but something tells me it is
necessary.
Finished reading The Great Gatsby again this evening. Also read
Hammett’s Red Harvest again. Love that book. Reading Lillian
Hellman’s memoir Scoundrel Time right now. Lillian is great. Why
can’t I meet a 26 year old version of her? Why am I always coming
across these middle class heifers who have no interests besides
calving and cud chewing?
Where is there a woman I can relate to?
More and more I admire Hammett. He’s the kind of writer I’d like
to be someday.
Randy Thune called me at work today. I told him I might come up
to Portland over Memorial Day but as I think it over, I might not go.
Money is again tight, and I’d like to spend the long weekend working
on The Dark City.
* * * *
May 19, 1978
The beautiful spring weather has arrived. Warm days, soft, sweet
nights. I am alone. The scent of the ocean drifts through the window.
The air is deliciously sweet, exhilarating. There is still a bit of light
now at 9:10 PM.
Guess I’ll go outside.
I’m really fucking stoned.
Voyage to the Bottom of the Id.
The Free Souls Motorcycle Club is in town. They are all here for
the annual Rhododendron festival. No doubt Polly Ellsworth and her
boyfriend are on Bay Street right now, sitting astride the saddles of
their Harley Davidsons. Heh, heh.
It is The Night the Souls Hit Town.
They are about a hundred strong, including the chicks. They are
having one hell of a party at The Beachcomber. Fireworks fly
skywards and a lot of noise drifts in through the door. On a car radio
somewhere Dylan is singing "Baby Blue." Elsewhere I hear the
sounds of the carnival midway – thrill rides, screams, explosions, and
barking dogs.
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The hurdy gurdy of a late 1970s spring night in this small coastal
town. My novel sits on the table in front of me. The ticking of my
wind-up clock on the counter marks the seconds.
The seconds. The minutes. The hours. The days.
The years.
* * * *
May 21, 1978
This drunken weekend has given me a chance to sort out my
feelings with respect to The Dark City. I’m going to rewrite another
20 pages or so and then turn it over to the typist, bless her heart. It’s
almost ready to go.
As I review this manuscript, I suddenly realize I don’t need to play
around with it anymore. I’m starting to work over the same passages
again and again, changing words and sentences. One trick I’ve
learned is sentence order reversal.
First, I write a three or four sentence paragraph, giving it a
beginning, a middle, and an end. Then I re-write the very same
paragraph, reversing the sentence order, with the last sentence coming
first. The results can be outstanding.
At this point I’m concerned about spontaneity, as I read the same
jokes for the zillionth time. I find myself modifying them just to
freshen them up.
Yes, the proof is right there in the pudding.
Lots of work to do around the cabin now that the beast is put aside.
Many resolutions to make.
Number One: Must quit smoking and drinking so much.
Also gotta get more sleep.
Walk on the beach. Take the plunge. If I’m going to sell this book,
I’ll need to look and feel my best.
* * * *
May 22, 1978
Winding down. Still pecking away on the pages, getting them
ready. The typist did a good job on the sample chapter. I was very
pleased and only had a few corrections for her. I believe she can be
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relied on for the final work. I intend to dally a bit at this stage. I want
it to be exactly right.
How about this thing? Two and one half years in the making, off
and on, anyway. I will unveil the most significant product of my
private literature. In the end, it’s the work that counts.
A zany comedy is how I see life. Slapstick. My novel The Dark
City answers the critical question – Am I who?
Been on the wagon for the last week. I’m sick of drinking. It
hardly affects me anymore. The same with dope. Why bother when
you can hardly feel it? Chocolate is almost better.
Sex is the best of all.
Anyway, it is written. The fabulous new draft. I daresay there is
no feeling quite so satisfying as that of completing a book.
Let me add it to the cloying swamp of modern lit. People are so
fucking serious it’s ridiculous. What a bunch of dreck they write. I
can’t stand all that bullshit crap.
* * * *
May 24, 1978
On the very subject mentioned one sentence above, there is a stupid
slattern of a welfare client making life miserable for everyone at the
office, me included. She is trying to bully us into giving her some
extra money. Delia Cordell is her name. A fat idiotic pig and the
mother of two boys currently in foster care. To keep her welfare
checks rolling in, Delia recently gave birth to a third child.
Never mind that the father or fathers of her children are all
unknown. Whoever the father of this latest child is, he should be
castrated.
If it were up to me, the state would simply relieve Delia of her
children and she sho
uld be sterilized. That would be in the best
interests of all concerned.
She only has children so she can get free money from the state and
thereby avoid getting a job. You could say she is an extreme example
of my mother, one generation removed.
The state, as represented by a variety of child protection workers, is
determined to give Delia every possible chance. But this horrid
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creature is beyond redemption. Alone in her trailer and after a few
beers, she kicked the living snot out of her six and seven year old
boys.
More hideous still, there is also evidence of ugly sexual abuse
involving the insertion of weird objects into Billy and Bobby
Cordell’s rectums. Delia’s CPU worker Linda Zale says enough is
enough.
Linda is seeking to have the court terminate Delia’s parental rights
before the boys become totally demented like their mother. And
they’re going to watch the bitch like a hawk with the new baby.
Megan and I talked to Linda at the office today. Hmmm… Linda is
quite the fox, I must say.
Beautiful, single and very capable.
Long brown hair and a body that will just not quit. Almost exactly
the same age as Megan, making her a year older than me. Linda’s
done this CPU thing for the past five years and is leaving in
September. She’s had it.
Linda’s destination is Spokane, where she will be attending law
school at Gonzaga. The loss here is great, and it’s not just the abused
children who will mourn.
I’m still winding down from my book project. Gotta quit smoking.
Today is the day.
* * * *
May 25, 1978
No cigarettes so far today. As I write, I can feel the nicotine hunger
affecting my body. I want the drug, I want nicotine in my lungs. But
I shall not relent.
I hate those motherfucking coffin nails.
Worked my ass off today at the office.
Yes, The Dark City is complete. It is written. I’m off the kick for
the time being. I’ve stopped writing so I can concentrate on my
physical well-being and get a little bit more involved in politics.
There’s a crucial central committee meeting coming up this summer.
The current state chair, Jim Kozlowski, is running for re-election and