by U
only cook for my friends.
Goodnight.
* * * *
August 2, 1978
Got the book back from Ms. Ellsworth today. A short letter,
written more than a month ago, came along with it. At first it felt like
a punch in the stomach, but now that I’ve had time to reflect on it, I
just don’t know what to think...
Here it is:
Patrick,
I received your letter last week. I was going to burn it before I read
it or return it unopened to you, but curiosity got the best of me. I was
very surprised to see that your sentiments toward me had changed
again.
The main thing I would communicate to you is that you have
imagined too much (or too little) of my life at present. I don’t have
your letter with me right now so I may miss a few points but moving
to an apartment of my own did not bring about the end of my
relationship with Keith.
On the contrary.
He is the only man I am with and the relationship has been
perfectly monogamous these last 2 years. True, I do not have all my
belongings at his house anymore but I spend as much time with him
as before. I think about marrying Keith a lot, but feel no need to turn
the thought into actuality.
As for the blank you draw on him, I think that’s OK – I doubt that
you would like him much. He is extremely strict about maintaining
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order in his immediate environment. In that respect he is a lot like
Lori Sanchez’s boyfriend, Bill Beckwith.
Keith is also practical to a fault, quite punctual, and very
pessimistic about the future 50-100 years.
However, he is financially stable. Although he has so much income
he puts a good bit of it in tax shelters and re-invests still more, we
almost always pay our own way when we go out. Thus, he is also
parsimonious. He does the dishes immediately after every meal and
vacuums (vacuums sp?) and cleans his house every other day.
The only concession I make is that I do the laundry and mop the
kitchen floor every month (or longer if I can slob by). There now.
That should be enough to feed your fertile imagination – you will, of
course, probably add on other characteristics to fit your need for your
next character sketch.
As for my work, I continue to like it. And, as I have told you
before, I probably never would have gone to nursing school if you had
asked me to stay with you in Eugene. Then you would not have
written your book, because if we had stayed together, I would have
nagged you into some boring regular job, because, just beneath my
liberal exterior, I am hopelessly upwardly mobile. Because, if we had
stayed together in Eugene, I would have kept my dumpy library job or
worse, and eventually I would have nagged you into marriage
(perhaps via an unplanned pregnancy as a surety) out of boredom or
frustration with what I had made of my life. And (pardon the sentence
structure here, as this is your basic stream of consciousness) with this
life pattern – CAN’T YOU JUST SEE US?!!
You with your crummy furniture store job in Portland, me at home
with the little one, probably living with your mother until we could
find a place of our own. Of course, I would want us to BUY a home,
which would necessitate me going back to the job jungle with my
hated one and only marketable skill – typing – AAAUGH – what a
nightmare – and don’t kid yourself, Patrick, you’re lucky – we’re
lucky we didn’t get trapped – somebody up there was looking out for
us. It was close, very close. You used to say to your brother that I
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was different from other girls, (I suppose I was a girl then) that I
wasn’t just out for a guy for his money.
Well Patrick, somewhere in the short span of 3 months from Sept.
to Dec. 1975, I became quite cognizant of the fact that I was definitely
upwardly-mobile. I suppose that was part of the reason why I decided
to "give you the axe," as you put it.
But I know that the other part was that I wanted to spare you the
bullshit you’d have to deal with, with me. I don’t think you would
have stood for my nagging you to try for the big bucks. Granted,
perhaps someday you may be a millionaire from your writing, and
nurses might get $2.00 per hour under socialized medicine. But, just
as I have you to thank for pushing me toward nursing school, you
have me to thank for leaving you alone to comfortably create.
Regarding your expression of the thought that I am the only woman
you have truly loved, I’ll say 2 things: 1) Hopefully that will change.
2) If it doesn’t change life will go on (as you have already no doubt
noticed). As a matter of fact, I also have some experience with
unrequited love with a person who was both near to and far from me
in the years 1967-71. Such is life.
Another thing I’d like to get clear – I do not feel guilty about the
times we spent together, although I HAVE felt guilty about breaking
"things" off with you, which is bullshit.
I don’t deserve to feel guilty about that.
As for your book, I am no literati. Your vocabulary seems to get in
the way of your style somewhat. I get the feeling that you are talking
like a 60 year old English professor when the vocabulary of a 17-19
year old you would suffice. Your story seems real enough, though,
and contains a goodly amount of humor.
However, I must tell you this. If your initial thought was to write
about your background in those formative years, thinking that you
were markedly different, experienced things more vividly, or had
more strange happenings, you are wrong. I hold myself as a case in
point.
What does set you apart is that ten years after the fact you have
accurately recorded this time. True, you have embellished the facts a
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little to make them more colorful for your audience. But as the
memory of those confusing times (I know that sounds trite) fades, you
actually have it recorded. That is very special. Hmmm. At any rate,
I’m writing this with many interruptions and it seems that my
thoughts aren’t too focused – plus I’m stoned.
Anyway, I’m assuming that you sent me your writings to read and
then return to you. I will send them back in a few weeks because I
procrastinate so often. I guess the main thing that bothers me about
The Dark City is that one of my letters to you was partially
reproduced without my permission. Did you have to get that last turn
of the knife?
I’m tired of writing.
Polly
* * * *
August 3, 1978
Still trying to digest the delightful little missive Ms. Ellsworth sent
me. Think I will have more extensive comments on it later. Or
maybe not. If I had any thought that she might be flattered by my use
of her words, it would appear that I was wrong.
In the meantime, I have received two rejections on the book. The
first accused me of being "excessively visual" in my writing and the
&nbs
p; second just looks like a rip off. At least the sample chapters from the
first are in still in good enough shape so I can re-cycle them to another
publisher.
Starting to lose some of my interest in this project. Of course I still
need to get the beast cleanly typed but I keep making revisions, which
delays things.
Undecided about whether I should go to Portland or not. I have a
potential date there with this Jeanette woman I met at a work thing
back in June. I’m going to need some new threads. No more of these
second-hand clothes if I want to make a good impression. Jeanette is
very cute and appeared eager to get together with me again.
Perhaps Jeanette will want to have sex. That might be fun. I plan
to keep my expectations low, however. I don’t trust anybody
anymore.
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Starting with myself.
Later: It’s official. I have a date in Portland with Jeanette. I just
called her on the state WATS line and it’s a go. Jeanette is pretty,
funny, and smart, with medium length brown hair and light green
eyes. Also has a nicely developed, shapely little bod. I’m pretty sure
she’s never met anyone like me.
I’m sort of licking my lips, thinking about her.
* * * *
August 5, 1978
At the Multnomah County Central Library. Our Democratic
Senatorial nominee, Milt Netboy, sits across from me at another table.
Milt looks he’s nursing a crushing hangover, holding his head as he
peruses a worn copy of the Congressional Quarterly. No doubt Milt is
hunting for dirt on his opponent.
Judging by the expression on Milt’s face, he isn’t finding much.
Meanwhile, I am going through the Manhattan phone directory for the
addresses of literary agents.
Need about a dozen of them. So far, so good. Outside is a
beautiful warm sunny day. The streets of Portland on this languid
morning are scented with flowers, and quite serene, as life goes on in
Lompoc.
I sit here thinking about the letter Polly Ellsworth sent me. I have it
here in my pack. Words cannot adequately express how depressing I
find most of her remarks. All of her most neurotic qualities are
abundantly evident in this latest missive. If she is trying to drive me
away with this, it is working. It is working very well.
Maybe that is all she is doing, driving me away. How is it that I
always fall in love with the wrong woman? Why does that happen?
Where do I go wrong? I cannot keep making mistakes of this
magnitude. They are devastating to me.
At the same time, I must try to get my book published. These
agencies are my next step. I’m determined to see The Dark City in
print. I swear it will happen.
* * * *
August 7, 1978
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Here goes the bad news. In Portland my date with Jeanette was a
complete bust. A more unhappy evening I have not spent in a long
time. Things were going great at first. We were just settling in on the
sofa as a preliminary to making out when Jeanette used that phrase
"upwardly-mobile" as a description of herself.
Her exact words. I practically choked. I suppose Jeanette was not
aware that she was offending me with her Polly Ellsworth-style prattle
but she got the hint when I abruptly jumped up and told her I had to
leave.
I couldn’t help it.
Right after saying "upwardly-mobile" Jeanette used this other
odious phrase – "financially stable" – to describe her previous
boyfriend. For me, that was the last straw.
If she had said "axe murderer" or "psychopath" I wouldn’t have
batted any eye. But "financially stable" really pissed me off. Not for
another instant could I endure her company.
My sudden departure must have really wigged her out. Tearfully,
Jeanette begged me to stay but I absolutely refused. She kept trying to
get me to say what was wrong. I refused. Then I practically sprinted
out the door.
She stood there staring at me from the porch as I fired up the bus
and roared away. I suppose she was hurt but I don’t give a fucking
goddamn. Getting away from her gave me such a feeling of relief.
It’s too bad because Jeanette really is quite pretty and has a
dynamite body. All I had to do was kiss her and I’m sure I had a
comfy place to spend the night.
But when she started talking exactly like Polly Ellsworth, my skin
fucking crawled.
I had to get away.
Goddamn it. I can’t fucking believe that I am back in these
miserable straits relationship-wise.
Is there no one for me? Is there no woman in this whole wide
world that I can connect with? From the outside, many women seem
superficially attractive but the second they begin to talk the abscess
bursts and all the pus starts running out.
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Jeanette, I’m afraid, is a typical example of the emptiness that
afflicts so many women of my generation. Perhaps she is even a
classic case. I get the feeling she has never read Vance Packard’s
book The Status Seekers or she wouldn’t throw around that horrid
phrase "upwardly mobile" as a description of herself or anyone else.
Call me stupid, call me out of touch, but I happen to consider an
endless focus on material things a mark of low character. Women are
always thinking about the things they want, not who they are or
person they want to be. I fucking hate them.
The worst part is that women want it both ways. As a man, you are
supposed to shoulder the monetary burden even when they earn the
same money as you do.
Normally, I wouldn’t care but they judge men by how much money
they make and get pissed off if you judge them by their looks and how
good they fuck. In other words, they can judge you by the crudest
possible yardstick but woe unto you if you do the same to them!
It’s a fucking double standard.
Don’t get me wrong. I think deliberate poverty is just as bad as
money grubbing, especially when coupled with a failure to pursue
serious work.
But once you are comfortable, what is the point of constant
accumulation?
Me, I work 60-70 hours per week. At least 40 on the job, and
another 20-30 on my writing. Nights, weekends, days off – there I
am, madly typing away. I’m a goddamned fanatic.
I have some money in the bank and I am nearly out of debt. What I
want more than anything now is to write a successful book. By that I
mean getting one commercially published. That accomplishment so
far eludes me.
Practically the only woman I feel close to right now or have respect
for is my co-worker Megan. Naturally, she is married to somebody
else and is therefore out of bounds.
We split a cheese omelet yesterday at the Main Street Cafe on our
break. I told her about my date with Jeanette and also about my letter
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from Polly Ellsworth. Megan merely shrugged and didn’t say much,
just sort of looked at me. Sometimes she’s very difficult to read.
I t
old Megan that everything I do, I do alone. I eat alone. I sleep
alone. I live alone. I think alone. I dream alone. As time passes, I
have come to understand that the professions of love Ms. Ellsworth
gave me when we were together were a lie, a manipulation of my
feelings.
Polly was the San Diego Chargers of love, always on offense. I am
pretty sure that whatever man she eventually selects will be
"parsimonious" like her boyfriend with the vacuum cleaner. What I
read between her lines is that he is selfish and shallow.
If you ask me, a parsimonious man is a selfish man is a hollow man
is an empty man is a dried up withered shell of a man.
Yeah, I know her. At some point or other she will become bored to
death. The universe is a grinding wheel, a leveler, a great destroyer.
It will pound her little dreams to dust. She will get exactly what she
deserves.
We all do.
I’ll find someone else to take her place. What I hope to find is
another really intelligent woman, but one who is more honest and
trustworthy. At this point, I know I won’t be satisfied with anything
less. Somebody just as smart as Polly Ellsworth, or smarter, but also a
nicer human being.
I hope.
* * * *
August 13, 1978
Received two more rejections. I’m in the process of making a few
final corrections and additions before handing it over to the typist.
Ed Barnhart and Michael D. came down for a couple days. Friday
night we had a big party at the Beachcomber tavern.
Ramblin’ Rex was the band that played. A giant crowd. Lots of
people dancing, me included. I danced with Sandy, Myrtis, Clarice,
Connie, and Pam. They all asked me. I didn’t ask them.
But I danced because they asked.
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Most of the other guys refused. I’m accommodating, light on my
feet, and very relaxed with a couple of drinks in me.
Both Ed and Michael seemed to have a good time and were
impressed with all the available women. There are tons of them here
in town and in Eugene.
None that I’m interested in, however.
Except one.
Afterwards I went home with Myrtis and had sex with her. She’s
15 years older than me. The oldest woman I have ever had sex with,