by U
suspect.
Conversely, the other one sought to manipulate me and when that
failed, was happy to blow me up. All of this fits in well with the
overall picture I have had of myself.
Up to this point, no one has been more ready to put me down than
me. I am always first to agree with any criticism, sure that I am
wrong, sure that I am no good, sure that I am (in my mother’s favorite
word) "stupid." I cannot tell you how many times the word was
applied by the mean old hag to my brothers, my sisters, and me.
Thank you very much.
Our generally ineffectual, absent father abandoned us to her
cruelties. And, when he was around, chimed in with his own.
Goddamn them both to hell.
Mushrooms can be very enlightening in many other ways, too.
There was a quite a lot of interesting stuff, much of it sexual, that I
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will develop later. But I have truly seen the other side, and in the final
analysis, I am a good boy and always will be.
* * * *
November 12, 1978
Chesley came down on Friday and we spent most of the weekend
with Harry and Nick, drinking and eating, relaxing and talking. We
did not take any mushrooms as Chesley is too chicken to try them and
I didn’t feel like doing them alone.
So it is with teonanactl – Flesh of the Gods. They make you see
life as it truly is, stripped of illusion, and at hyper light speeds.
Reality crashes through all of your carefully constructed defenses.
There is only this moment and you must live it to the fullest, with
malice toward none.
Mushrooms should be part of any religious observance, in my
opinion. They are the one true form of transubstantiation. So fleeting
and beautiful are we who are here.
The little brown Liberty Cap. The Magic Mushroom.
The pathway through which I saw God.
A nature writer, Richard Haard, once described the Liberty Cap as a
relatively low potency mushroom. Then he reported a momentous
experience, when this seemingly insignificant fungi ripped the shit out
of him after he got careless with them.
Fortunately, I am reverent in my approach, and so far have been
treated kindly. I do not take these holy specimens for mere
amusement. I take them for their instructive powers.
Meanwhile, I am still hoping for the best with my book. At the
same time, I realize that nothing truly matters on that front. My petty
little book. My petty hopes and dreams.
On Sunday, Nick went to Portland with Chesley. He wanted to
prowl the bookstores up there. One in particular is booming these
days, a new place over on NW Burnside, called Powell’s. Chesley is
going to put Nick up for a couple nights.
On another front, Harry is feeling nervous about his affair with the
23-year old daughter of his boss at the post office. He is concerned
about what will happen if he tries to dump her. So far they have had
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sex three times and already she talks eagerly of diamond engagement
rings and honeymoon cruises.
"Goddamn!" Harry said. "I’m divorced from Shana less than a year
and what have I gotten myself into?"
We all laughed.
* * * *
November 13, 1978
Finished Chapter 6 yesterday. Now on page 42 of the manuscript.
Must halt progress for a while to write some letters. Say – isn’t today
the same day Felix Unger’s wife made him leave home? Yes, I
believe it is.
We should call November 13 Felix Unger Day.
I’m freezing in this place. Now I have to go wash clothes.
Shit. I despise these mundane chores. It wouldn’t be so bad if I
could share them with somebody. Clean clothing for work is a
necessity. I bore even myself writing of such trifles.
Time moves so swiftly. I wish I could slow it down, or even freeze
it. It is like a drug to me. The more time I have, the more I want.
Right now, at this moment, I feel like everything is going great. I
can’t get Megan to say she loves me (not yet) but I feel as if it is not
far off. She says she is going through with her divorce and has
retained a lawyer.
This is so great. Two birds of a feather, finally out of our self-
imposed cages and ready to fly. The possibilities seem endless. We
could have so much fun together.
It makes me inspired. The next book I write will be a big fat one,
with lots of characters and surprising twists and turns.
Maybe call it Ding A Ling: A Typical American Childhood. Right
now with The Dark City I’m pitching what they call in baseball a
"change up."
Then I will go back to my regular fastball.
Such as it is.
* * * *
November 16, 1978
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Stayed home from work today so I could write. Called in sick.
Things are slow there anyway. Megan stayed with me last night after
we came back from a welfare workshop in Eugene. I am in love –
there are no two ways about it.
Sent a Christmas package to Mick on Monday. Included were
books, tapes, letters, photos, mushrooms, and some oddball items, like
a can opener and a Swiss Army knife. I hope he likes it. He should
get it in late December. I packed it nice and tight.
Wrote to the union on behalf of the clerical staff here at work.
Those goddamn managers are always fucking over the lowest paid,
least appreciated workers. At the same time, incompetent ass kissers
like Elmore sail right on through.
Same sorry story with the tattletales. The world of work is just like
grade school, I’m afraid. I just wish we could take the sneaks and
bullies and kick the shit out of them like we did in grade school. That
would be such fun.
I’m not sure how I could explain it to the cops, though. However
much the manager and her hatchet person might deserve it, the
authorities would have a hard time understanding why it was
necessary to pound the shit out of a couple of mean-spirited 60 year
old biddies.
Later: Megan came by on her afternoon break to check up on me.
She told me nothing was happening at the office and today was as
good any day to skip out.
I tried to get her to make love before she went back. She laughed
and told me to hold my horses. She said she will come see me later
tonight and we can do it then. I whined and told her I couldn’t
possibly wait that long. She kissed me and went back to work.
What stupid fucking jobs we have. The managers and the rest of
the idiot bureaucrats take it so fucking seriously. I consider it a
complete joke. Really, all we do is shell out a few peanuts to the
poor. The military probably spends more money on toilet paper than
we dispense in ADC benefits.
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I do this work because it is totally a breeze and because I need a
job. It supplies medical insurance and a (sort of) decent salary. There
is no other reason.
Never will it be a career for me.
* * * *
November 17, 1978
If all goe
s well, I should be done with Chap. 7 by Sunday night.
And because it is going well I am in a pretty good mood. Megan
came by late last night to see me. We locked the door and closed the
curtains and didn’t get up until twelve hours later.
We took a long shower together this morning and ate breakfast
here. I made it. Scrambled eggs and fried potatoes with freshly
squeezed grapefruit juice, buttered whole wheat toast and two cups of
Nick’s gourmet coffee.
Megan is what she calls a lacto-ova vegetarian, which means that
milk and egg products are okay, but not meat. She will also eat a bit
of fish every now and then.
She is without question the most beautiful woman I have ever slept
with, bar none. She is tall (5’ 8"), with a very slender figure and
incredibly long legs. Small, perfect breasts. A really gorgeous
bottom. Absolutely incredible. Her rear end is shaped exactly like an
upside down heart and has pronounced dimples just above her
waistline.
Have mercy. Were it not for Megan’s exceptional intelligence and
a pronounced feminist streak, she could be a fashion model. What a
body. Goddamn, is she ever gorgeous!
Holy fucking Moley!
What she sees in dorky me we shall never know.
* * * *
November 23, 1978 Thanksgiving
Finally finished Chap. 7 of The Dark City. It took eight days to
write six pages. I sure hope the rest goes a little faster than this. I’m
also preoccupied with stress from my job. Not from the work, which
is relatively easy but from the office politics. The managers are such
jerks.
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You would think that the essential purpose of a welfare office is to
serve the poor. But no, the welfare office appears to exist in order to
provide the managers with prestigious, high-paying employment.
They act as if this is their private little empire and they can treat the
vassals however they wish. It’s clear to me that I am not long for this
scene. I’m outta here the first chance I get and I want to take Megan
with me.
If she’ll come.
Nick and I watched football at Harry’s house this morning for a
while.
Eventually, the Cowboys started to overpower Washington so I
came back up here. I wanted to write. Megan will arrive later this
evening and have dinner with us. The menu will include homemade
tomato vegetable soup, a crisp green salad, and grilled cheese
sandwiches.
Harry is in Los Angeles visiting his mom and dad. They are both
Jewish and he expects to be cross-examined heavily about a variety of
issues, but at least his daughter will be there to run interference for
him, he says.
Last night Nick and I watched an amusing Steve Martin TV special.
I’ve changed my mind about Steve Martin. He is pretty funny.
Harry’s neighbor on the other side (Joyce) and her boyfriend Scott
watched it with us.
Scott is more or less a regular guy. He has no real job, drinks a lot,
and won’t marry Joyce because he still needs to "find" himself. She’s
29 and desperate for marriage and a baby.
Harry says Joyce isn’t aware that Scott has cheated on her
repeatedly in the course of their relationship, because if she knew she
would break up with him. Scott is about Nick’s age, in his early 30’s.
As I see it, guys like Scott are the rule, not the exception. I feel sorry
for Joyce, though, who seems pretty sweet and physically I think she
is quite lovely.
If I were Scott I would fall for her like a leaf.
Reading Richard Nixon’s memoirs. They make me to laugh a lot,
although I know I’m not supposed to. A simultaneously talented and
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tormented man. I find Nixon endlessly fascinating, and read
everything about him I can lay my hands on.
Time to get stoned and start writing.
* * * *
November 28, 1978
The rain has been falling nonstop for three days. I finally bought
new tires for the VW. Damn – I almost made the other ones last two
years. The price was $68.90 for the pair.
Geez. Vehicles are such a drain. I hate them. The wet weather is
very hard on my machine.
Thinking about moving in with Nick once he gets his house back
from Clarice. He says he needs a roommate to help with the increased
payments required to buy her out.
Apparently, Clarice is going to pocket a tidy sum following their
divorce, from the sale of Nick’s printing business and the refinancing
of the house.
Almost the whole time they were married, Clarice studiously
avoided working, including at the business. Her energies were
devoted to political advancement and social climbing. Briefly, she
tried to get pregnant but it turns out that she can’t. Now she walks
away with a nice payday. Thirty grand is not a bad haul for what
started as a one-night stand.
* * * *
November 29, 1978
More rain rain rain. Four days of nonstop rain. It’s cold, too. I
gave the landlord my notice because Clarice has assured Nick that she
will be out of the house by the 15th of December.
We can move in then. I will get the upstairs room and will
experience a slight reduction in rent payments.
I’m sending The Dark City off again tomorrow, this time to an
agent. The last publisher rejected it, gently but firmly. So be it.
Wrote another query letter for it. A slight improvement. I really
don’t know what to say to these people. The book speaks for itself.
That is all.
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Talked to Chesley today on the phone. Our pal Randy is jealous
because Chesley dates Shirley now, the woman Randy cheated on his
wife Wilma with back in February.
Chesley is very amusing when describing Randy’s petulant antics.
Cracked me up.
* * * *
December 3, 1978
The day before yesterday is ancient history. Nick, Megan, and I
took mushrooms to celebrate the sale of Nick’s business to a couple
from Alaska. The mushroom spirit was full upon us as we climbed
atop the dunes above the south jetty road.
We took some pictures of the gnarled pine trees up on the hill. We
reached the summit just as the sun was setting. It was like being on
another world, so radiant and panoramic.
A blaze of red, orange, blue, yellow, gold, and gaudy purple light
colored the sky. The distant ocean and rolling dunes made it seem
like an alien vista.
Today I finished Chap. 8 in the book. Megan says I gotta stop
being so hard on myself. The life I lead diminishes my energy. I
work too hard and take too many drugs, in addition to drinking every
chance I get. I told Megan to give me a reason to stop and I will. I
quit smoking, didn’t I?
That twilight sky on the dunes was utterly unforgettable. It almost
hurt to look at it. We live on an actual planet, apparently a small, wet
rock, slathered in organisms, whirling and tilting as it orbits its energy
source.
Last Fr
iday, I bought some underground comix from Lenny
Goldfarb, the record store owner. They cost $100 but were well worth
it. This addition rounds out my collection quite nicely. Now it is 97
percent complete. Some of the new titles are:
Insect Fear #1
Real Pulp #1
SF Comic Book #1
Air Pirates #2 (I love this one)
Tales of Toad #1
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Snatch #1, #2, and #3
Bijou #1 (now I have the whole set)
Conspiracy Capers
All things considered, it leaves me maybe four or five comix short
of having a well-nigh perfect collection. I figure the hoard is easily
worth over $500 at this stage, including my precious R. Crumb ZAP
#1.
What a gem. Under no circumstances will I ever part with it. I
love underground comic books. They are the greatest.
* * * *
December 9, 1978
Got a letter from Randy yesterday. It cracked me up. I even read
parts of it to Megan while we lunched together at The Manly Mussel.
She liked it too.
Spent $120 on a Christmas present today. It was extravagant, but
what the hell. It was this perfect little opal necklace for Megan. The
opal is in the shape of a tiny teardrop and comes with a 24K gold
chain. I know it will look great draped around her slim, beautiful
neck. I just hope it’s not too much.
Wrote Randy back and sent him some mushrooms. He said I
should visit him and Wilma. I don’t know. Randy and Wilma. What
a pair. Wilma is Japanese and a real reefer fiend. Smokes pot every
day. I hope they like the mushrooms, which are very interesting, but
totally different from weed.
Megan is coming over at 9:00 PM for a sleep over. Gotta get this
joint cleaned up before she arrives. I’m supposed to move into Nick’s
house in six days. Here’s to easy living.
* * * *
December 13, 1978
Snorted coke with Nick and Megan on Sunday. Nick has tried it a
few times before but Megan and I are both novices. It has a powerful
kick. I’m beginning to realize why everybody always seems so
fucking "happy" all the time.
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As I understand it, cocaine is mainly a mood elevator, but with time
slowed down. Megan got a big jolt from the stuff and ran around