“It’s just sex,” she muttered. “And if I could come up with a good quote or a line from a movie to back that up, I would.”
“Need a quote? Fuck babe, I’ve got a million of them. In the immortal words of one Hunter S. Thompson, ‘Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.’
“Don’t talk to me about love, Jax. It doesn’t exist. At least not the way I see it in my mind.”
“Mmmm, okay. We’ll circle back to that comment but to some degree you’re probably right about the way we see it in our heads. That’s what I want to talk about. There are things about me you need to know.”
“How in the hell did we go from arguing about you getting paid to work on my house to debating love and sex?”
“Fuck if I know but since we’re here, we might as well go with the flow.”
Frustration and something that looked like worry crinkled her eyes. They’d both been burned in the past. She was working overtime to prove that she didn’t need a man and him, well—he was trying damn hard not to pretend to be something or somebody he wasn’t.
She shocked the bloody hell out of him when she suddenly asked, “Did you love her very much? Your fiancée?” Direct, to the point, and right on the money. Leave it to her to jump in with both feet.
“Probably about as much as you loved the anal probe you married.”
“Ouch,” she groaned.
“Exactly,” he agreed. “Not my best moment.”
“Nor mine,” she whispered.
“Heather, the fiancée that was, well, she was a mistake from beginning to end. I was playing a part. Something I suspect you’d know all about.”
“Pfft.”
He smiled at her grunted agreement, because it might be the last happy face he’d get out for a while. He’d never attempted a true confession with anyone before even though all the therapists and social workers that’d helped him over the years urged just that. Honesty was the only way to avoid inadvertently setting off a trigger.
“When I came back from Iraq that last time, a lot more than just my medical ambitions were left in shreds on the battlefield. Heather didn’t have time for my emotional, uh… wounds. When people in the media talk about PTSD it’s like some unknown, unseen trauma that defies description. Shit. They couldn’t be more wrong.”
Brynn shimmied to the side with her feet tucked under her ass so she was facing him as he spoke. It was comforting to know he had her undivided attention.
“At first, the folks you come home to are all focused on the celebration. The soldier’s homecoming and all that crap. For Heather, it was like a starting gun had gone off because it meant she could get on with planning her future as a doctor’s wife. She couldn’t have given half a fuck what I was going through. Everything bothered me. Everything. Crowded stores. Stopping at a red light. People talking on cell phones as they walked past like you weren’t even there.”
He shuddered remembering those awful first months as a low throb of anxiety gripped him. No matter how hard it was to tell her this story, he had to fight through it and lay it all out there.
“The first concrete change I made was buying a truck. Drove me batshit whenever I was in a car to have an empty space right behind me. Heather was not amused by my F-150. She envisioned something flashier like a Lexus or an Audi. I wasn’t able to do simple things like go to a movie unless I could sit in the very last row at the back, right in the middle. That situational awareness I was bitching at you about last night is a very big deal post war zone. Can’t sit too close to the doors and definitely can’t have anyone directly behind me. That’s the main thing about what we all went through over there. You just never knew where the next threat would come from. Those motherfuckers weren’t exactly dropping shit from the air, y’know? It was more about sniper shots, car bombs, IEDs, and suicide vests.”
Jax’s fingers slid back to Brynn’s shoulder. He needed to feel her solid presence. She reached out and put a hand on his thigh and gently squeezed. “Go on,” she murmured softly.
“Anyway, almost as soon as the dust settled from my homecoming I knew that pursuing a medical career wasn’t going to happen. Whatever high-minded aspirations I’d harbored before my military experiences about saving lives and doing good got blown to fucking bits. So, I started isolating myself with one project after another. It’s like a Zen thing with me, I suppose. Working with my hands, researching materials, spending hours sketching plans. Helped blunt the…anxiety.”
Brynn’s fingers pressed against his thigh. “I completely understand. Did you know I was a big time financial advisor before my marriage imploded? Looking back, I don’t even know what the hell I was thinking except that like you, I was playing a part. Being successful, wearing the power suit. I thought that was what was expected of me. The bakery is my Zen.”
He nodded in understanding. “My family was great. Completely accepted the one eighty and supported me every step of the way. Heather, on the other hand, wasn’t that sympathetic.”
Jax looked at Brynn and hoped the compassion he found in her gaze remained after what he had to say next.
“To make matters worse, our sex life changed too. All me. None of it her. She’d always been a reluctant partner anyway but something changed along the way. It’s hard to explain without sounding like a fucking freak.”
Brynn snorted, clearly amused, and tried to diffuse his tension. He couldn’t be more grateful if he tried. “Unless you’re confessing to hidden alien tentacles, I doubt the word ‘freak’ applies.”
“Y’know, I hate all the terms bandied about these days. Vanilla sex. Dominant. Pain rooms. Submissive. Shit like that. Makes what I feel seem like a circus but the truth is, I need all that. Need to be the one in charge. I’m not a sadist,” he quickly assured her. “It’s just that after almost having your balls blown off on a daily basis and spending your days piecing soldiers back together, sweet and tender takes a backseat to everything else. When you spend a couple of years contemplating your mortality and being faced with others’, it’s easier to cut through the bullshit once you’re on the other side of all that and embrace what really drives you. Heather didn’t want to fuck me at all if she didn’t have to. Being faced with a fiancé who wanted to tie her to the bed and pound her till she couldn’t walk the next day was a step too far for her delicate sensibilities. At least I knew how to be truthful,” he grumbled.
BRYNN WAS REELING AND NOT from anything Jax told her. She wanted to find his pathetic former fiancée and smack her good. The bitch. Hearing him try to explain the sort of desires that the war unleashed inside him was a revelation, yes. Since she’d never been through what he had though, she somehow understood from her most recent experiences with him how all those unfamiliar needs and desires played out in your mind. It was rather like a paradigm shift when everything you thought about yourself becomes an unfamiliar narrative, replaced by something darker, grittier, and a thousand times more honest.
“I’m not going to pretend with you, baby. I want to fuck your body, yes. But I also need to fuck your mind. There’s something important happening between us and before you play the ‘it’s just sex’ card again, think about what that says. Does that mean we’re just scratching an itch? Is this all just a time filler while we spend the next six weeks together? Is that all this is? Because I want more. With you, Brynn. And I think you do too.”
Oh my dear sweet Lord, she thought. What the hell was she supposed to say? Should she admit that last evening when he hadn’t taken what she was offering, that she’d fretted and worried through half the night? Fearful that she wasn’t woman enough to satisfy the demanding needs he’d already let off the leash? Thinking thoughts like that was completely virgin territory for her. But her truth was, she was as scared of what wanting him meant as he was of sharing with her what he needed.
“I don’t know what I want Jax. Truly I don’t. The last couple of years have been all about establishing the bakery. Worrying about other needs never s
eemed very important. My experiences in the bedroom with my husband left a lot to be desired and it’s not like those desires were something I could just set off to explore. It doesn’t work that way for most women.” She shrugged. “And the whole ‘relationship’ thing scares the shit out of me more than anything you just described. Tie me up? Okay. Why the hell not? Pound the shit out of me till I can’t stand? Okay, yikes to that, but honestly, it’s not like I’m running in the other direction. I don’t have a damn clue what admitting that says about me, but I do know that being involved with someone, anyone, is scarier and more threatening than embracing some submissiveness in the bedroom.”
They sat in silence after that for a long time, her admission and his honesty pulsing in the air around them.
Finally, he muttered, “Like I said, I knew you’d be trouble from day one.”
Sighing, she unfolded her legs and snuggled closer to his solid presence. With her head on his shoulder and a hand fiddling with the buttons on his shirt, she felt small and fragile and not just a little bit bewildered.
“What happens in six weeks when this project is finished Jax? Do you climb in your truck and vanish? I mean, how do you see this playing out?”
He wrapped her in a warm embrace and rested his chin on her head. “Baby, I do not know, and that’s me being one hundred percent truthful. It’s not like I expected to find you anymore than you were looking for me. This whole thing has come out of the blue, but I can say that vanishing is out of the fucking question. Wherever this takes us, we go there together, okay?”
“Jax,” she whispered.
“Hmmmm?”
“This is me being a good girl when I ask if you’d like to spend the night with me.”
He growled and she felt the vibration where his chin rested on her head. “I think your good girl needs to think long and hard about what she’s letting herself in for before you make an offer like that. I let you have your little seductress fantasy last time Brynn. Next time we’ll be playing by my rules.”
Her pussy clenched at his words and moisture flooded her core. Five days ago she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had an orgasm. Now her mind was constantly filled with dirty thoughts, including the ‘pussy clenched’ one she just had, and all she wanted was to rip his clothes off and pleasure him, both of them, anyway he wanted.
He seemed to sense her confusion and disappointment. “Tell you what, good girl,” he teased. “You straddle me with those amazing legs and grind against me and I’ll kiss you till we both pass out from lack of oxygen. And if you’re a really good girl, I’ll take care of those sharp little nipples I can feel digging into my chest.”
Her head popped up, she squealed a delighted, “Deal,” and immediately swung her leg over his settling onto his groin with the grace of a horny ballerina. She wished she was wearing anything but jeans at that moment but that didn’t stop her from shimmying on the prominent bulge she felt until she found just the right spot.
He grabbed her hips to hold her still, staring intently into her eyes. “I said grind, not lap dance,” he growled with just a hint of humor lacing his voice.
Brynn rolled her hips in an exaggerated undulation that earned a sharp gasp from each of them. “Like this?” she asked.
Yep,” he groaned. “Just like that.”
And then he kissed her. Tenderly at first, savoring her lips, licking the corners of her mouth, inhaling her shaking breath.
“Pull your shirt up, baby. But don’t take it off. Let me at those tits.”
She felt wicked grinding on his lap with her plain work t-shirt bunched up under her chin. When she felt his fingers dive into her bra and lift her breasts out of the confining fabric, she nearly swooned with pleasure.
“Holy fuck,” he murmured. “That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen all day. You’ve got the sweetest tits, love. I mean, look at ‘em.”
His eyes were shining with desire as he commanded her with a nod of his head to look down. Good Lord. Excitement had plumped them up and made her nipples pucker. He was right. They looked awesome even to her, and she was melting with arousal at the realization that he delighted in her body.
She continued grinding against him, which made her chest undulate with each movement. He just sat there, mesmerized, gazing at her tits with a lustful expression that heated her insides. When he covered her breasts with his big hands and held on tight, she moaned and rode him even harder.
“Open your mouth sweet love,” he demanded. “Let me show you with my tongue what I want to do to your pussy.”
“Unf, yes,” she groaned as she surrendered to the voracious plundering of her mouth. He wasn’t kidding either. His tongue swirled in the wet depths and danced in and out, licking her lips then plunging deep over and over. It was oral seduction at its hottest.
Brynn grabbed onto his head and wrenched her mouth free, never stopping the wild grinding of her hips. “Jax,” she murmured.
He tweaked her nipples and rolled them between his fingers as he held her gaze with his lusty stare. “What baby?”
“I. I’m….unf.” She tried not to squeeze the shit out of his skull but the sensations rocking her core were robbing Brynn of any sense.
“What? You going to come sweet love?”
She bit down on her lip and groaned. Nodding her head, Brynn intensified the rocking of her hips and dove onto his mouth. The bulge pressing between her open thighs, his fingers destroying her nipples, and his tongue dueling with hers drove her closer and closer to the edge.
“You’re so fucking hot,” he growled after he’d slid free of her hungry lips. “Move that ass. Let me feel your heat right through those jeans.”
Brynn was spiraling out of control. It was apparent this was all about her. He was letting her, no encouraging her, to take what she needed from him without any thought to his satisfaction. Knowing that ramped her senses to high. He wanted to fuck her mind? This was a damn good start.
He growled at her, pinching her poor nipples until they stung. “Bite me, Brynn. Put your mouth on my neck and bite. Hard.”
“Unf, uhhhh,” she grunted pushing his shirt out of the way with her nose and latching on to the flesh where neck met shoulder. Her tongue tested briefly and then she sucked hard, letting her teeth mark him. He answered the ferocity of the bite by tweaking her nipples sharply. Sensation rocketed through her as a flood of scorching wetness dampened her panties. The scent of her arousal filled the air. Instead of shrinking in embarrassment from the bold statement her body was making, she’d never felt so female. Never known such complete eroticism.
“Baby, baby,” he moaned as she suckled his neck and frantically ground her hips. “That’s it love,” he encouraged. “Be a good girl and come for me.”
He let go of her breasts and wrapped her tight in a fierce embrace with one hand fisted in her hair and the other pressed between her shoulder blades. Pulling her off his neck by the grip he had on her hair, he directed her mouth back to his and kissed her like crazy. It was deep, wet, raw, and sexy as hell.
She braced her hands on the back of the sofa and surrendered to his plundering mouth as she lost all control and ground against the erection pushing against his zipper. She didn’t know how long they went at each other like that. It could have been minutes or an hour. All she did know was he was making her feel things that shocked her to her core.
When she felt an orgasm break free deep inside, she started shaking from head to toe. Whimpering into his mouth, her fingers dug into the microfiber upholstery. She felt his fist tighten in her hair and at the moment that she shattered, he yanked her head back. Even though she needed oxygen, Brynn screamed with whatever was left in her lungs as she came in a blinding rush.
She heard Jax grunt as she shook and trembled. “Good girl,” he moaned as she collapsed in his arms and fell on his massive chest. “That’s my good girl,” he said again only this time she heard the distinct sound of praise in his deep voice.
Oh my God. She’d
just come, fully clothed, without him ever touching any part of her except her breasts and mouth. There was nothing left except a trembling aftermath as she tried to wrap her mind around this unusual encounter. Didn’t help much that each time he called her his ‘good girl’ she practically fell apart all over again. What in bloody hell was that all about?
Brynn didn’t have the strength to climb off his lap earning a deep sexy chuckle from Jax as he fixed her clothing and eased her body into a sitting position while she sat there dazed and not just a little confused. When he tenderly pushed some hair off her face, she looked at him and found wonder shining in his eyes.
“I think we’ve covered the good girl thing pretty thoroughly, hmmmm?” he teased.
She shook her head and smiled into his smug, amused expression. He’d so won this round and there was nothing she could do except let him have his victory. Next one would be hers though, she plotted.
“Full moon fever,” she giggled. “Lights up everything.”
“That it does sweet love. That it does.” The look he gave her was hotter than the waiting room to hell.
They talked a while longer, but she knew from the way he kept his distance that despite the obvious erection he had going on, Jax had been dead serious about giving her time to think about everything. She found it oddly amusing on some level that he imagined for even a moment that she wouldn’t willingly surrender to his desires when at every turn that was exactly what she’d been doing since moment one. That he thought she’d be scared off by a little blunt talk and some suggestive scenarios told her what a number his former fiancée had done on his head. Frankly, in her imagination, she was coming up with a dozen ‘tie me to the bed’ fantasies that would probably shock the hell out of him.
He escorted her to the back door of the house even though she assured him she could walk the short distance blindfolded. Now that she understood his protective impulses, it was easier to bend to his demands knowing he wouldn’t or couldn’t have it any other way. It was a new experience for her. One she never dreamed would make her feel so cherished.
Wilde Forever (Wilde Women Book 1) Page 16