“I just want to do everything right.” I rubbed my stomach.
“And you’re already on the right track. Don’t overwhelm yourself. No sense in stressing.” His face changed. “Please don’t stress yourself,” he was stern.
“Right, don’t stress. Easy stuff.” I smiled, trying to take a few extra breaths hoping for some relief of the heaviness in my chest. “Mitchell?”
“What is it?”
I didn’t want to leave just yet. As life altering as the sound of the baby’s heartbeat was, the brief blimp of the screen hardly removed weeks of the emotional tennis game playing in my chest.
“Could I see the video again?”
“Of course.” Mitchell smiled brightly.
Chapter 15
Innocence
Hours had passed. It wasn’t until Mitchell brought in lunch that I realized how much time had passed. I found an escape in the video of the ultrasound, an escape I didn’t want to leave.
The video was set to repeat, sound turned up, replaying the slight movements that I couldn’t physically feel. I raised my hand to the screen and held my stomach as if the little lima bean growing inside of me needed to know I was making the connection.
There was a sense of instability beyond the safety net of the clinic, but I knew they waited long enough. I stopped at the door before reaching for the knob; I could already feel the nerves. My guys were on their feet before I had the door opened. Caleb and Caroline were slow to respond to my appearance in the doorway.
I allowed everyone a chance to see the stills, even Caleb and Caroline. They all waited so patiently for me to come out, at least, I choose to believe they had. Jake was first in line.
“I don’t see it,” he blurted out. He cut the very tight rubber band constricting all of us in the room. The added bonus was how close he held the picture to his eyes; I swear his eyelashes were touching the photograph.
Mitchell made himself available to explain the measurements, rates, and to point out the obvious. Well, it was obvious to me now, but I’m glad I wasn’t the only one that needed help.
There was an odd wave of hurt coming off of the six soldiers during the time with the pictures. I couldn’t pinpoint it to an individual, nor could I make much sense of it. They were supportive, and a little sad. We all had that feeling of how the little guy was made and for those few hours, I didn’t think about the hows or the whys.
Caroline took her turn, needing no supervision or explanation. Her pale face was hard to read, and the whirling chest pain fuming from her only told me she was upset but not the reasons.
My knees buckled when Caleb stepped next to her. He avoided touching the pictures altogether, his hands tucked in his pockets. I couldn’t tell if his jaw tightened at the proximity to Caroline or… the obvious.
Through dinner, I stayed in the clinic, still watching the video. They understood I couldn’t tear myself away. I appreciated the random check-ins; dinner, snacks, drinks, and a word or two to make sure I was alive.
“Thank you, Jake.” I managed a glance at the tray of cucumbers, tomatoes, celery, and the other green stuff I normally avoided. Thankfully, there was less of the other stuff.
“You’re welcome, Ms. Eva.” He walked to the door but did not leave.
“Is there something else?” I turned to face him as he turned to face me.
“I need to be honest with you, Ma’am.”
“You know you can.” My hands rested on my knees.
“As horrible as this all has been for you, and I’m not trying to imagine it nor could I…” He shook his head; his sigh stretched his jitters. “I’m glad you decided to keep the baby.”
“Me too.” I smiled.
“If I could?” His face fell.
“Please.”
“Mr. Leon’s right about the danger back home. I love my people. I love our faith. I love our home,” his voice nearly begged me to understand these facts as he moved closer to me. “But you can’t ever go back there,” his voice was low, tears forming in his eyes.
My breath was noticeably shaky.
“I don’t want to worry you anymore than you already are, but I never trusted…”
“I understand.” I grabbed his hands. If he said the words, it would break him.
“Ms. Eva…” Guilt was plastered on his face.
“Our secret.” I pulled Jake into my arms. It was the first time I’d ever comforted anyone, but I wasn’t sure who was comforting who.
“Figuring things out?” He pulled away from me, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.
“I think so.”
“Well, if you need anything else, Uncle Jake will be back around.” His smile was endless. Uncle Jake. Did you hear that?
He was loyal to a fault, but I couldn’t allow him to live with the guilt if he said too much. He said what he needed to say. I couldn’t break good-hearted Jake.
Jake left me to my thoughts. I needed to drown myself in the possibilities, the good possibilities, the future, my future… far, far away from the Colony.
The plans. My plans.
I had a world of things I wanted to do with my little one, and if I were making a list, I wouldn’t make him study to be a doctor if that’s not what he wanted. He could be a basketball player or a soldier like Mitchell or Uncle Jake. I’d worry myself sick, but if it’s what he wanted I’d be okay with it.
I’d be an awesome mom - a huge pushover. I caught myself laughing out loud, at the thought of actually planning to be a pushover.
Then reality set in.
I’d be a mom - a single mom. Chayton.
I wondered if Chayton would be a father to him. Would he accept him as his own? Would he teach him all the things he learned as a child? Would he allow him to call him Daddy?
I felt sick.
Could I ask him to take responsibility for another man’s child, a man that so violently destroyed the woman he was to marry?
…Was I destroyed?
Would he still want to marry me?
Could this, what I feel for Chayton, be real?
Could he still love me after this?
I stood from my chair and exited the clinic. I needed some air. The halls were empty and dark with that eerie feel, abandoned almost. It was after midnight as I passed my bedroom unsure what I was doing. I continued until I was at a dead end.
The intensity coming from the room labeled Gift Room cut me at the shins, sending me to my knees. The room was still emotionally fueled, how could anything be left?
My forehead leaned against the door; tears trickled down my knees soaking the carpet. I was fighting the tug to this room. I couldn't bring myself to open the door. I knew of the room’s torture before. My erratic self on the other side of that door with pieces of a fake fear burned in my ears.
But even in pieces, there was a charge. I could still feel raw emotion swimming on the other side of the door. There was still hope on the other side. I could still find a little of me again, for his sake. My arms reached up to support my belly, hardly a comfort knowing what happened.
I reached for the black doorknob and stood quickly only to fall back to my knees. Tingles crowded at the base of my neck, a sharp shot of thorns coursed down to my tailbone. I expected the symptoms to worsen, from tingles to static, static to electricity, and then a Pull. I held on not knowing if a Pull would harm my little one.
A rush of mixed feelings created nausea in my throat as hands against my skin sent my body thrashing. The blue door faded in front of me. The emotions of hate, fear, and love swirled around me. The tilt-a-whirl vortex clouded my vision.
The sound of thunder woke me to the danger I was in. As the fog lightened, Seth's crooked smile greeted me. My crablike movements away from him were slower than anticipated. I managed to my feet, moving backwards, still unable to see. I tripped landing on my back.
I didn’t pause.
I struggled over the obstacle slipping in a puddle. I shook my head to clear my vision and an involun
tary scream whaled from my mouth. His eyes were still. Blood poured from his throat, the blood I was now covered in.
“Jake!” His hands wrapped around my mouth, pulling me away from Jake’s body lying lifeless in the hall.
Another body lay near Jake’s, but my flailing arms couldn’t break away from Seth to be at their side. His hands were firmly wrapped around my neck, my back curved over a railing. His grip loosened around my mouth.
“JAKE!” I screamed again, his hand slapped against my face. The sting silenced me, allowing him to sniff my hair. I cringed as he smiled against my neck.
I begged for this to be a Pull, but I was in control, he was in control. I looked for a distraction...a weapon. I couldn't place where I was but on a balcony I couldn’t remember. The smell of the waves against the rocks further angered my nausea.
Seth lingered at my neck. I waited for his teeth to sink in and suck out the rest of whatever was left of me through the puncture wounds as he did with Jake. Uncle Jake…
"Mmm, how sweet." Chills forced themselves down my spine.
"Seth, please," I choked only now realizing how far I could fall.
"More? You want more?"
"I'm going to fall." My spine stretched over the railing, my fear overshadowing his emotions.
"It really is quite simple, Eva. You stop pretending you don't love me and you won't fall." His nose flared.
"Please don't do this," I begged. My spine pulled awkwardly, digging into the railing. I waited to hear a snap.
For the first time since waking up with Caleb in the bathroom, I was able to breathe around another person. The emotions of others usually strangled me. It wasn’t their fault.
Seth’s emotions didn’t strangle me. His frightened me.
"You're pregnant and that's mine in there, isn't it?" His hand caressed my stomach.
"Who says it's yours?" I held my breath in between words.
"It's not Caleb's." He wasn’t asking.
"Who says it's not?" I smiled.
"Why are you playing games with me?" His eyes darkened. “Tell me it’s mine.”
"Why did you have to come back?" I ignored his request.
"To take my family home," he said with assurance, assuring only himself as he pulled out of one of my ultrasound pictures.
"We are not your family." His hand tightened around my neck pushing me further over the railing.
"You have my child growing inside of you." He rubbed the picture across my belly.
"Even if this was yours, threatening the mother of your child wouldn't be the best way to win either of them over." A gust of wind pulled me onto my tippy toes, straining the unhealed injuries. I struggled against Seth, my hands slipping against the blood.
"No threat here, Eva. I just want to hear the words. Just tell me you love me.”
"You want to hear them, even if they aren't true?" I yanked at his shirt praying for my little one, praying for the miracle that Jake and the other person were still alive.
"Who says you don’t love me? You are keeping our baby, aren't you?" I couldn't feel the balcony floor under my feet.
“Don’t let me go!” I begged.
“Say it!” he growled.
"I love you." I whispered. Tears burst from my eyes as the sharp pain surged just below my stomach.
Seth pulled me into his arms, saving me from another fall. I wasn't sure which was safer. "That's my girl!" He held me, the smell of him caught in my throat as the pain became unbearable.
"Something is wrong…" I whimpered. The involuntary gasps for air went unnoticed.
I made plans. I have plans.
"Now, now, Eva. Everything will be okay. You'll learn to make this work." He rocked me in his arms as he had in the closet. His solid and strong demeanor disappeared as his arms shook around me.
"No, I mean the baby." I lost all sensation in my legs, bringing me to my knees.
"No, no…" We both stared at the blood, the blood that was now mine. His eyes darted around in a panic. We clasped our hands around my belly. The heat between our hands made me feel…different.
"I need help," I begged, snapping him out of his trance. I hated him. No…especially in this moment when he cared… just look at what he's done. Jake.
"I didn't mean to hurt…" his voice was weak, scared.
"Get the hell away from her!" Caleb wasted no time pulling Seth into his fists.
"Caleb…" Seth muttered.
"THOMAS!"
"Eva…" Seth yelped.
Seth was strong, and in that moment, I saw a different man. He didn’t just witness my pain. Seeing the agony on his face, he felt what I felt. My strength was dissipating, the aching intensified, sharpening and easing, repeating...
"You will never touch her..."
Seth lay on the ground in the hall moaning my name, moaning his regrets. I couldn’t cope in silence.
"CALEB!" the piercing scream escaped me. “AHHHH!”
Caleb's face dropped, his eyes found the puddle of blood dripping through the cracks of the balcony. My eyelids drooped. My eyes crossed. I could only see a cloudiness overcome me.
“She’s losing it!”
“She can’t…”
“JAKE!”
“Something is wrong…She’s hemorrhaging…”
“We’re going to lose her.”
“Save her. Do whatever you have to!”
“The baby…”
“Seth’s gone.”
“FUCK?!”
“She’s going to be okay.”
“What the hell happened?”
I prayed that it was a memory I didn’t really have…but I remembered everything. I remembered the things they didn’t think I’d remember. In my bag of very scarce memories, I had things like my parents and a school project, now I had the memory of…
I think I stopped breathing again.
Even weeks after. It was the same dream, Seth and I holding our baby. He was a kind man, loving father, gentle to me. I stopped hating him in that moment. Then I was losing our baby and all I could see was his face and felt pity.
"I'm sorry." His eyes weakened in front of me.
Then I would wake up screaming because I knew my baby was gone and then I would see and remember that Jake was dead. Cruel fucking dreams.
I was nearly removed from myself when the doorknob turned. The erratic agony for allowing myself to feel sorry for him made me hate myself more. I was broken all over again.
“Please, come back later.”
I sat on my couch, knees pinned up against my chest. My tears followed the dried up river along my cheeks dampening my blanket. I sat in front of the fire for the first time since I woke up lost, confused and without much of a past to remember and wished for much of the unspeakable.
“Just checking on you.” Coat stood in the doorway. He closed the door darkening my room to only the glow of the flames.
Tonight was a different feeling. I was lost and confused for a whole other reason. I was filled with muddy memories, ones I wished I couldn't remember, and others I regretted having because of the person I was becoming and what that was doing to the people I was growing to care for.
I hated myself for not being able to see what was coming when I wanted to. If not for me, why couldn’t I have seen enough to save Jake? Did he really need to die? He was just a kid, and Seth killed him to get to me.
I swallowed hard. Swallowing was difficult.
Seth managed to get away. If I wasn’t spending my whole day hating myself, I would be spending my entire day hating him. Oh, I hated him but I hated myself more.
It’s my fault Jake’s dead.
I begged the rest of them to go home and live their lives. I tried to leave and remove myself from the equation, but Caleb wanted me here.
“You can’t leave.” Caleb stood between the door and me.
“Get out of my way.” I forced myself towards him, the door.
“NO!” He shoved me away from him, away from the door.
“MOVE!” I yelled.
My guys kept their distance. This was between Caleb and me.
“It’s not going to happen.” He stood his ground.
“You would all be safer without me here.”
“You don’t see any of us running.”
“Well, you should be. Just let me go. If no one knows where I am…”
“We’d all be worried sick.”
“But safe. Now, let me go.” I pushed again.
“Never.” This time he didn’t let go of me. “I will never let you go again,” he whispered.
He didn’t let go of me for a long time.
I walked to my oak chest and pulled out the notepad and pen. If only to warn him, I had to tell Chayton about Seth. Seth could try to return to the Colony, if he hasn’t already. Chayton may be in danger.
Me: I lost the baby. As happy as I should be, given the circumstances, I am a mess. It’s been a few weeks and I still feel like I’ve lost myself. Seth broke into the mansion and killed our dear Jake to get to me. If he returns to the Colony, be careful. I fear he is unstable. Stay safe.
Before I could put the notepad back in the chest, the movements of the invisible hand scribbled on the paper. The butterfly explosion occurring in my stomach eased my trying heart, briefly. Of many capsizing emotions, his words tugged at the most vulnerable; the most sacred.
Chayton: Jake…
Me: Yes, and it is my fault. I’m unbelievably sorry. Jake was…
Chayton: Indescribable. That was our Jake…You shouldn’t apologize. I will tell you again, none of this is your fault.
Me: He was trying to protect me from that psychotic son of a bitch and he died in doing so.
Chayton: He is was a great soldier…You lost the baby. I’m so sorry my dear, Eva.
Me: A miscarriage, the same night. And this should be good news, but I accepted this child…I was making plans. Given our situation, I wasn’t sure if I could ask you to raise him as your own……I didn’t know if you still wanted me…
Chayton: Stop. Please. Never think that my love for you could or would change. I will always want you and we will be together again.
Me: We’re not broken? Only thing I have is the day in the wheat fields…but somehow that’s enough for me.
Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1) Page 19