'Yes, I've told him.'
'And?' Damian prompted after a significant pause.
It was not difficult to call to mind Nathan's reaction when she had confronted him with the truth. Every word, every inflection in his voice, and every expression which had flitted across his ruggedly handsome face had been branded as if with fire into her memory. It haunted her day and night, and she doubted if it would ever cease to make her cringe inwardly.
'Nathan was furious with me,' she confessed, her grey eyes shadowed, and her throat aching. She swallowed convulsively, and fingered her lips as if she still expected to find them bruised and tender after Nathan's savage punishment. 'He said that I had had no right to make a decision like that on his behalf, and… do you know something, Damian?… it makes terrifying sense.'
'You did what you considered was best for him at the time.'
Damian's prompt and confident reply to her statement was endearing, but it did little to comfort her while she laboured under that dense shadow of self-reproach.
'I'm relieved to know that you're still of that opinion.' The words had passed her lips on a shaky laugh, but she controlled herself hastily when she felt her eyes stinging with those tears which seemed to come so easily since her last confrontation with Nathan, and her face was set in a rigid mask of determination not to weep when she continued speaking. 'I feel as if I've made such a mess of everything, and I doubt if Nathan will ever forgive me. He stormed out of here in a filthy mood the other night, and I haven't seen him or heard from him since. What am I going to do, Damian?'
'I'm not sure I can advise you on that, but whatever you do, Julia, you'll have to do it quickly,' Damian warned her gravely. 'Nathan is due back in Johannesburg within a couple of days to take up the reins of his practice and, knowing his busy schedule, it might be some time before you see him again.'
'Thank you, Damian.'
She wondered what she had thanked him for when she eventually replaced the receiver. The next move was hers; that was something which she had begun to realise during those long, sleepless nights of self-recrimination and, as Damian had said, she had better move quickly.
Nathan deserved to be told the complete truth— she owed it to him as well as herself—but she dreaded the thought of having to confront him. Circumstances had forced her to hurt him badly five years ago, and the explanation he had wrung from her had merely set fire to his anger and that understandable bitterness which had obviously been simmering inside him all these years. She had no guarantee that Nathan still cared for her, and she feared the humiliation she would be subjected to if his interest in her had been motivated solely by the desire for revenge, but it was up to her to discover where she stood with him, or she might regret it for the rest of her life.
Julia's telephone rang again later that afternoon, and she was startled into silence when Marcia Grant's voice exploded into her ear with an icy fury.
'I don't know if you're aware of it, but Nathan has decided against taking the position my father offered him at the clinic, and you're to blame for that!'
Marcia's accusation caught Julia unawares, but she regained her composure swiftly. 'I fail to see how I could have influenced Nathan's decision when the subject has never been discussed between us on the few occasions we have met.'
'He has made a grave mistake in rejecting my father's offer. He's throwing away a chance in a lifetime, and I know he'll regret it,' Marcia continued in those icy tones. 'If you don't want to have this on your conscience for the rest of your life, then you'll sacrifice your selfish desires and see to it that he is made aware of his error.'
Sacrifice? Julia fought down that fierce wave of hysteria which rose sharply inside her. 'I've spent the best part of my life sacrificing my own happiness for Nathan's career,' Julia informed Marcia coldly, 'but everything has its limits, and this time I refuse to step aside if there's a chance that happiness should come my way.'
'If you're hoping that Nathan will ask you to marry him, then you're making the same mistake I made,' Marcia laughed mockingly. 'His interest in women no longer includes a trip to the altar, and I don't somehow think you're the type who would agree to live with a man without a wedding band on your finger. I don't want to prevent you from trying, but don't say that I didn't warn you of the outcome.'
Marcia's mocking laughter was still ringing in Julia's ears long after she had replaced the receiver, and she was more determined than ever now to take that contemplated drive out to Honeywell to settle matters one way or the other between Nathan and herself.
CHAPTER TEN
The wind was blowing the dust into a swirling red mist which was trapped in the beams of the Toyota's headlights, and the first heavy drops of rain splattered on to the windscreen as Julia turned her car off the gravel road to drive through the arched gateway which led to Honeywell. There was a twist of anxiety in her stomach, but she ignored it stoically. She had left her cottage that Saturday evening with a purpose in mind, and she was not going to turn back now. She didn't know whether there was anything left to salvage between Nathan and herself, but she would never forgive herself if she did not make the effort.
There were grazing camps on either side of the farm track. In the darkness she caught a glimpse of the new wire fencing which Nathan had had erected since her previous visit, but she was too busy concentrating on her driving to see much else. The rain had changed the dust to mud on the windscreen, and the wipers were swishing back and forth in a frantic attempt to allow Julia sufficient visibility. She could see lights up ahead through the trees, and her hands were clenched so tightly around the steering-wheel that her fingers were aching when she finally drove up towards the stone building with its pillared veranda.
'This is it!' she muttered to herself when she pulled up behind Nathan's red Ferrari which was parked beside the shallow steps leading up to the entrance of the house.
Julia dropped her keys into her handbag and, getting out of her car, she dashed quickly through the rain, but her beige slacks and blue silk blouse felt uncomfortably damp against her skin when she reached the cover of the darkened veranda. The light was on in the hall, she could see it through the stained-glass windows on either side of the ornately carved door, and she felt again that twist of anxiety in her stomach when she smoothed her hair into place and rang the doorbell.
The door was flung open several seconds later, and Julia's heart lurched uncomfortably when she came face to face with Nathan. His dark hair lay damply across his broad forehead as if he had just stepped out of the shower, his white shirt was unbuttoned almost to his waist, and his brown slacks seemed to be moulded to his lean hips and long, muscular legs. He stared at her without speaking, and her courage almost deserted her when she noticed that there was no sign of welcome on his granite-hard face.
'This is unexpected,' he said at length, his cold glance raking down the length of her slender body and up again to where the agitated rise and fall of her breasts was clearly visible beneath the silk of her blouse.
There was nothing complimentary in his lingering appraisal, and she prayed nervously that he would not see that frightened little pulse throbbing at the base of her throat, but there was a mixture of desperation and defiance in the tilt of her head while she stood regarding him steadily with her clear grey eyes.
'I didn't think to make an appointment. Do you mind?' she asked as a flash of lightning illuminated his face, and her glance registered the fact that his features looked grim and haggard. 'We have to talk, Nathan.'
For one frantic second she thought that she was going to have the door slammed in her face, and she sighed inwardly with relief when he stood aside for her to enter, but she sensed a controlled anger in him when he gestured her into the living-room with an autocratic wave of his hand.
'May I pour you a sherry?' he offered to the accompaniment of the thundering elements outside, and Julia felt oddly as if she had stepped into the den of a ferocious lion, but she had not come this far only to give way to cow
ardly feelings.
Stay calm, she warned herself sternly. For God's sake, stay calm and don't let him guess how nervous you are!
'A sherry would be nice, thank you,' she replied, her voice admirably steady, but her insides were shaking when he walked away from her towards the drinks cabinet.
Julia strolled around the spacious living-room, listening to the rain dripping down the gutters and attempting to ease the tension inside her by admiring the paintings on the walls, but the beauty of the landscapes on canvas escaped her when she failed to quell her rising panic. It had been a mistake to arrive at Honeywell uninvited, and she was recalling only too vividly the unpleasantness of her previous visit when she heard a step behind her. She pulled herself together, turning slowly, and her facial muscles were rigid with the control she exercised when she accepted the small glass of sherry from Nathan.
'Cheers!' he said, lowering his tall frame into a chair and saluting her with his glass of whisky when he had stretched his long legs out in front of him.
'Cheers,' she echoed dully, perching nervously on the edge of an armchair some distance from his, and swallowing down a mouthful of her sherry to steady herself while she watched Nathan down more than half the contents of his glass in one gulp.
The ensuing silence was strained and incredibly tense, and it was disconcerting to discover that her glance was straying repeatedly to where his unbuttoned shirt exposed his powerful chest with that dark matting of hair tapering seductively down towards his navel.
Despite Nathan's chilly aloofness he was exuding an aura of raw masculinity which was attacking her senses and, unnerved and disorientated, she said the first thing that came to mind. 'I believe you're returning to Johannesburg within a couple of days.'
She could have bitten off her tongue the next instant when she realised what she had said. Nathan must know that only one person could have given her that information, and she might just as well have mentioned Damian by name.
'I have a job to get back to,' he reminded her, his eyes mocking her, and she looked away hastily to cast a nervous glance about the room.
'I like the alterations you've made to this old house.'
'Do you, Julia?'
Dammit! She didn't drive all the way out to Honeywell to indulge in this meaningless conversation with Nathan. She was wasting precious time, but he was not giving her the encouragement she had hoped for, and the words she wanted to say remained locked away inside her. She pressed on despite that twisting ache in her stomach. 'I suppose you see Honeywell as a retreat you can escape to on the occasional weekend when you can get away from the city.'
'That was what I had in mind when I decided to buy the place.' He swallowed down the remainder of his whisky, and there was a hint of derision in his narrowed, mocking eyes when he placed his empty glass on the low, glass-topped table beside his chair. 'Shall we cut the preliminaries and get down to the reason for this unexpected visit?'
When do you leave?'
'First thing Monday morning.'
His departure was suddenly so imminent that she felt choked with anxiety. He was right, it was time to cut the preliminaries, and she dared not waste another second.
'I received a telephone call from Marcia late this afternoon.' If she had hoped for some sort of reaction from Nathan, then she was disappointed. His features remained inscrutable, and she was forced to continue. 'She told me that you had decided against accepting her father's offer of a senior post at the clinic.'
'That's correct.'
Julia sipped at her sherry to steady her nerves while she tried to decide how much she ought to tell him, but something warned her that it would be safer not to hide anything from him.
'For some obscure reason Marcia accused me of influencing your decision, and she insisted that it was up to me to make you change your mind since she was convinced that you would regret passing up this opportunity.' She glanced at him warily. 'I know this is none of my business, but I thought you ought to know.'
'You're right, it's none of your business,' he said harshly, getting up to pour himself another drink, 'but since Marcia has seen fit to involve you I might as well set the record straight. I declined Basil Grant's magnanimous offer for the simple reason that I have no desire to become a celebrated puppet, and this is not a decision I shall have cause to regret. As for Marcia saying that you influenced my decision, well…' he shrugged and smiled cynically as he returned to his chair '… it's a typical reaction from a woman who is having difficulty coping with not getting what she wants.'
That made sense, and Julia decided it would be safer not to dwell on the subject. There was, after all, a more pressing reason for her presence at Honeywell that evening, and time was running out on her with every passing second.
'Would you—' Her voice broke embarrassingly, and she had to steady her glass of sherry with both hands while she fought to regain control of her vocal chords. 'Would you have left on Monday without saying goodbye?' she managed eventually.
Nathan did not alter his sprawling position on the padded armchair. To someone who did not know him he might have appeared relaxed, but Julia was alerted to a certain tension in him which made her suspect that every muscle in his long body was flexed and ready for whatever action might be required of him.
'Would it have mattered?' His compelling glance drew hers and challenged her to reveal the truth. 'Would it have mattered to you if I had left Doornfield without saying goodbye?' He repeated his question when she hesitated to answer him.
'Yes.' She swallowed convulsively, her nerves strung as taut as the leather thongs on the seat of the antique bench against the wall behind him, but her glance did not waver from his. 'It would have mattered very much.'
'Why?'
His abrupt query seemed to hover in the air between them, challenging her and warning her simultaneously. She dared not deviate now. He was giving her the opportunity she had been seeking from the moment she had arrived, and she would be a fool to let it pass.
'I wouldn't have had the opportunity to—to tell you how much I hate myself now for—for what I did to you five years ago.' The words pouring so haltingly from her lips were not the words she had rehearsed with such care, but that did not seem to matter now. It was important that he should be told the absolute truth, and that was what she intended to do. 'You said the other night that—that I had had no right to—to make a decision on your behalf and, after a great deal of soul-searching, I find that I have to agree with you, but five years ago my decision was based on the fact that I—I cared too much to want to stand in the way of your success.'
She was in danger of spilling the contents of her glass into her lap, and she disposed of it hastily to gesture despairingly with her hands when a look of sceptical disbelief flashed across Nathan's face.
'Oh, I know this must sound like a weak excuse to you,' she went on doggedly, 'but I couldn't leave my grandmother when I knew she needed me, and I couldn't allow you to throw away the chance of furthering your skills as a neuro-surgeon. I know what your reaction would have been if I had confided in you. You would have insisted that I marry you, and perhaps I might even have succeeded in persuading you to go to Europe, but very few marriages would survive a three-year separation. It would have affected your work and your studies, and I didn't want that. I wanted you to be free to go and do what I knew you had always longed to do.'
'So you jilted me in writing and promptly disappeared, taking your grandmother with you.'
'Yes,' she nodded, the agonising memory of that hasty flight out of Johannesburg as fresh in her mind as if it had happened the day before. 'I couldn't face you and lie to you. I was afraid that you would make me change my mind, and I was afraid that if you chose to stay with me rather than furthering your studies you might reproach me in time for having lost that opportunity.'
Nathan's face hardened, but, despite the stubborn glint in his eyes, she knew that she was achieving credibility when she saw that tiny nerve pulsing along the side of his
jaw.
'The decision would have been mine, Julia, and I would never have reproached you.'
'Not openly, no, but deep down in your heart you might have felt it,' she argued gravely. 'Resentment has a nasty way of building up stealthily inside one, and I couldn't have tolerated a barrier like that between us.'
Nathan lapsed into a silence which was disturbed only by the sound of the rain lashing against the windows. His frowning glance was directed at the tip of his suede shoes, and Julia was beginning to shift uncomfortably on her chair when he looked up unexpectedly to capture her wary glance.
'I take it that Damian has always known the reason behind your decision not to marry me?'
'Yes, he knew,' she confessed nervously. 'I went to him for advice, but in the end it was a decision only I could make.'
'I appreciate your honesty and, much as I hate to admit it, your argument makes sense to me now that I'm no longer caught up in a blind fury, but that doesn't eradicate the fact that I went to hell and back after you broke off our engagement.'
Nathan's cold, detached manner chilled her, and the accusation in his voice made her wince inwardly when it stabbed at wounds which had never quite healed over the years.
'So did I,' she croaked, 'if that's of any consolation to you.'
Nathan swallowed down the remainder of his drink, the reading lamp beside him accentuating the plains and hollows of his ruggedly handsome features, and her heart twisted painfully in her breast when he got up unexpectedly to draw aside the curtains at the sliding glass doors. He stood with his back to her, and he seemed oblivious of the flash of lightning which forked across the night sky. The house shuddered on its foundations during the ensuing clap of thunder, and endless minutes seemed to elapse before he turned and pinned her to her chair with an incredulous look in his blue eyes.
'You're the most unselfish and self-sacrificing person I have ever known,' he said, combing his fingers uncharacteristically through his dark hair and shaking his head, and the tight smile curving his sensuous mouth stabbed at her soul. 'God knows I'm grateful, Julia, but my gratitude takes second place to the anger and bitterness inside me.'
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