by J. M. Snyder
Alex laughed. “Dave’s as straight as they come. He’s just a friend.”
And he is kind of hairy, he thought, watching Jamie as he set the photograph back carefully. Not my type at all. Right now he thought maybe his type was a young redhead with curls and a hard body, but he wasn’t going to admit that out loud.
“Who’s this?” Jamie asked again, pointing to another picture.
Alex was all too aware of how close they stood, how Jamie’s elbow brushed against his stomach slightly when he moved. It took everything he had to look away from the fine hairs curling along the nape of Jamie’s neck and follow his finger to see who he pointed to now.
“Stanley.” Alex didn’t like the way his voice cracked so he cleared his throat and tried again. “Dave’s brother. He’s a real ass.” Before Jamie could ask, he said, “And no, he’s not my boyfriend, either.”
Jamie grinned and when he turned, Alex could feel his breath flutter against his ear, just a faint puff that made him shove his hands into his pockets so Jamie wouldn’t see them tremble. “Do you have a boyfriend?”
“No.” Alex felt the hunger in Jamie’s gaze and he licked his lips self-consciously, then stepped back from the entertainment center, away from Jamie and his sharp scent and his raw energy. He saw the sudden hope flare in Jamie’s eyes and turned away before he let himself believe it meant what he wanted it to mean.
As he walked into the kitchen, Jamie followed him to lean against the counter as Alex rinsed his hands in the sink. “Why not?”
Alex shrugged. “I don’t know.”
He didn’t really want to get into it now—he didn’t want to remember the last time he’d been kissed, the last time he had sex, the last time he woke up beside someone and watched them sleep in the early morning light. He didn’t want to remember the pain he felt when Dave told him that he saw Joel at this club, and did Alex know he was gay? Because he was hanging all over another guy down there, and Dave just thought Alex would like to know, because didn’t they go out from time to time?
He didn’t want to remember the way it hurt when Joel shrugged and said, You know, it’s been real, but I gotta go. And he knew when the door closed that Joel wasn’t coming back.
But Jamie was waiting, watching him openly, and Alex busied himself with stirring the noodles already cooking on the stove. “I just haven’t had good luck with men,” he admitted.
Jamie moved a little closer, and Alex wondered if the sudden heat that flashed through him was from the stove he leaned over or the guy behind him. “Have you ever been with a guy?” Jamie asked, his voice low.
Without looking up from the pot of boiling water, Alex nodded. “I’ve had boyfriends before, Jamie,” he said. “Just not anyone right now.”
“Why not?” Jamie persisted.
Alex sighed. “Because the last guy I dated fucked me over.” He glanced at Jamie and saw anger back on that young face, marring those angelic features. “I’m just, I don’t know…I’m just leery anymore, you know? I never thought he’d cheat on me.”
“What’s his name?” Jamie wanted to know. “That bastard. Who’d fuck around on someone like you? What the hell was he thinking?”
Smiling wryly, Alex whispered, “I don’t know.” He turned off the stove and winked at Jamie. “I’m better off without him anyway.”
“Damn straight.” Jamie watched Alex open the cabinet and pull out the jar of spaghetti sauce, and when he tried to twist off the lid, Jamie pushed his hands away. “Let me get it,” he said. The muscles in his arms stood out as he popped the lid off easily.
“Thanks,” Alex muttered, taking the jar. He tossed the lid into the sink and smiled at the frown still on Jamie’s face. “What’s on your mind?”
Jamie trailed a finger along Alex’s arm, the gentlest touch that sent shivers down Alex’s spine. “I’m thinking that guy was an asshole,” he said softly, watching Alex’s skin beneath his own. “I’m thinking if I had a boy like you, I wouldn’t fuck around.”
His arm eased around Alex’s waist, hand resting in the small of Alex’s back before curving around his side to flatten against his belly. Alex held his breath as Jamie closed the distance and leaned against him, his body pressing along Alex’s gently—he could feel hard nubs bite into his arm and back, a thick erection rub against his thigh.
When Jamie spoke again, his breath tickled along Alex’s neck, and Alex had to swallow hard against the desire raging through him at these simple touches. “I’d never go anywhere without you,” Jamie was saying, “and I’d give you the world, the sun, anything you wanted, anything at all. At the clubs I’d tell them I have a man, I don’t need to fuck around anymore. If I had someone like you.”
Alex felt the faintest press of lips against the back of his neck. Hadn’t Jamie said he was saving those kisses? For whoever it is I’m going to fall in love with…hadn’t he said that? To only him. “Jamie,” he warned, but his voice was weak and held no conviction at all.
Jamie sighed as he walked away. “That’s what’s on my mind,” he said.
Alex waited until he heard the TV click on in the other room before he remembered how to breathe again.
Chapter 9
After dinner, Alex sat on the sofa as Jamie thumbed through his DVD collection. “I want to watch this,” Jamie would say, pulling out one movie, but before he managed to get the disc into the player he’d see something else and pull that movie out, as well. He sat cross-legged in front of the TV, and Alex wanted to touch the curved bumps of his spine that peeked out from beneath the short hem of his T-shirt. His jeans gapped in the back, the waistband of his boxers exposed, and Alex remembered that they were still unsnapped beneath those jeans because Jamie had only zipped up the pants when he got dressed.
That thought didn’t help any. Alex felt nervous now that the meal was out of the way and it was just the two of them. Suddenly he felt the same way he had years ago on his first date, when he knew the night would end with a kiss if only he could get through the rest of the evening.
“Just pick one already,” Alex said with a laugh.
“I don’t know what I want to see,” Jamie admitted, frowning at the two DVD cases on his lap. “You pick something. We’ll watch whatever you want.”
“We don’t have to watch anything,” Alex said. “Do you want to do something else instead?”
The leer Jamie turned towards him suggested that television was the last thing on his mind and yes, he could think of quite a few things he’d rather do. “Jamie,” he warned.
“I want to see your bedroom,” Jamie replied.
Alex frowned. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea…”
But Jamie was already on his feet and heading for the stairs. “Which one’s yours?” he called out as he raced up the steps. Alex heard him open the door to the bathroom and click on the light. “What’s this?”
Wearily Alex pushed himself up from the sofa and sighed. He’s like a kid in a toy store, he thought, laughing when Jamie rushed out of the bathroom and down the hall. “What’s what?” Alex asked, following as Jamie pushed open the door to Dave’s room. “That’s Dave’s…” Jamie disappeared into the room. “Jamie.”
Inside Jamie picked over the items on Dave’s dresser—cologne, earrings, unopened condoms, a tube of lipstick—discarding them when something else caught his eye. “This guy’s a slob,” he said, his voice low in the darkened room.
From the doorway Alex hissed, “Come on, Jamie. Leave his stuff alone.”
Jamie leafed through a little black address book, the worn cover held together with rubber bands. “Where’s your room?”
“Put that down.” When Jamie didn’t listen, Alex stepped into the room and took the book from him, dropping it on top of the dresser. “Come on,” he said again, taking Jamie’s hand in his as he led him from the room.
Jamie noticed another door farther along the hall and headed for it, pulling Alex along with him. “What’s in here?”
Alex clic
ked on the light as they entered. “This is my room.”
Jamie shook his hand free and jumped onto the bed. God, Alex thought, watching him snuggle into the pillows. I don’t need to see this. Him in my bed…my sheets will smell like him. I should just sleep naked tonight, save myself the trouble of cleaning up the wet dreams in the morning. “Jamie, what are you doing?”
“I love this bed,” Jamie said with a sigh. He burrowed beneath the blankets until only his face peeked out, the sheets covering his head like a shawl and fisted beneath his chin. His eyes closed, the smile on his face beatific. “I’ve never had a bed like this. I’m going to stay here all night long.”
If only you could, Alex thought before he could stop himself. “Jamie,” he started, but he didn’t have the heart to tell him to get up. Instead he sat on the edge of the bed. “I don’t think Father Nate would like that very much.”
“Fuck Nate,” Jamie said sleepily.
“Jamie!” When he grinned, Alex slapped his leg through the covers. Jamie giggled and squirmed away. “Now you’re being bad.”
“I am not,” Jamie replied. “Which side of the bed do you sleep on?”
Alex shrugged. “I never really thought about it much,” he admitted. “Scoot over.” Jamie moved to the far side of the bed and Alex laid down on his back beside him. “I guess I sleep on this side.”
And Jamie was mere inches away, his head resting on the other pillow, so close that Alex thought it wouldn’t be anything at all to just roll over and press his lips to Jamie’s furrowed brow. Suddenly Jamie’s eyes were huge, watching him carefully, watching the emotions play across his face. Alex knew he could see the thoughts behind his eyes, images of the two of them together, writhing in passion, naked and sweating and tangled in the sheets. Every part of his body ached to take Jamie into his arms, to smooth out the lines along his forehead and to kiss those deep eyes closed again, to feel those pouty lips part beneath his, to hear his name moaned in that soft voice. From the way Jamie looked back at him, Alex knew he was thinking the same things, he was waiting for Alex to touch him, to tell him it would be all right to lose himself again in the flesh and the sex and the night.
With a start Alex sat up quickly. I can’t do this, he thought, shaking the want from his mind, the need. I just can’t give in, I can’t let him get to me. He needs someone strong, someone who’s not going to use him, someone who can show him there’s so much more out there than just sex and Nate thought that someone could be me so I can’t do this, I can’t let myself do it…
Jamie frowned. “Alex—”
“Get up,” he said, his voice brusque. “It’s getting late. You have to get back.” When Jamie didn’t move, Alex tugged on the sheets, trying to rouse him. “Get up, Jamie. Come on.”
Jamie sat up, the look on his face both pitiful and priceless as he climbed out of Alex’s bed. The blankets pooled at his feet and he scooped them up to throw them on the bed unceremoniously, his curls disheveled and a pout on his lips. “I don’t want to go back,” he said, but the words were faint enough that Alex could pretend he didn’t hear them.
* * * *
In front of St. Catherine’s, Jamie didn’t want to get out of the car. “What’s in here?” he asked, opening the glove compartment in an effort to find something else to talk about, something more to do. A handful of napkins fell into his lap.
“Nothing much,” Alex said, watching him. He wanted to touch Jamie’s shoulder and smooth down the T-shirt where it bunched across his back. He wanted to say he couldn’t wait to get back home and crawl between the sheets of his bed, because he knew they’d smell like Jamie and he could pretend Jamie was lying there beside him in the darkness of his room. He wanted to say something, anything, to turn that bright gaze his way, but when he opened his mouth to speak, what came out was, “When do you want to go to the station?”
Jamie shrugged as he shoved the napkins back into the glove compartment. “I don’t know. What about tomorrow?”
“Sure,” Alex said. Why not tomorrow? “I have to get there early. Do you want me to call and wake you up?” Jamie grinned wickedly and Alex warned, “I know what you’re thinking—”
“What’s that?” Jamie looked at him with an innocence that made Alex wonder if maybe he didn’t know what the kid was thinking—maybe it was his own sordid thoughts he heard instead. Closing the glove compartment, Jamie lounged back, one foot on the dashboard and the other propped up on the seat so that he sprawled obscenely in the light from the street lamp outside. “Tell me what I’m thinking, Alex.”
Instead of answering, Alex told him, “Tomorrow. I’ll be by here at what, 7:30? Is that a good time?”
Jamie rubbed the tight fabric along his inner thigh and moaned when his fingers pressed against the bulge between his legs. “Maybe next time I can sleep over your place.”
Before Alex could respond, Jamie unlatched the door and tumbled out of the car. “Goodnight,” Alex called as the door slammed shut. He let himself watch Jamie walk away, savoring the rhythm in his step, and waited until he was inside the shelter before pulling away from the curb.
* * * *
Back at the apartment, Alex cleaned up the DVDs scattered across the living room floor. They smell like him, he thought, catching a whiff of Jamie’s fresh scent as he closed the glass door of the entertainment center. I didn’t want to let him in and he’s already there, already inside me and everything he touches becomes a part of him. Everything here has a little of him in it and I’ll never stop thinking of him now. But was that necessarily such a bad thing? Alex didn’t really think so anymore.
Upstairs he shook the blankets out in an effort to straighten the bed. As the sheets settled over the length of the mattress, Alex caught a glimpse of blue beneath the covers. It was Jamie’s bandanna, fallen from his head when he burrowed into the sheets. The fabric was impossibly soft between Alex’s fingers, worn from years of use. A sick part of him wanted to rub the bandanna in places he wanted Jamie to touch, but he couldn’t do that, he wouldn’t. Even here, in the sanctity of his own place, the privacy of his own room, he felt Jamie’s presence like a ghost, lingering, watching, waiting. He didn’t want to violate the fragile trust that had blossomed between them. After tonight, he thought maybe that trust could finally begin to grow. And he didn’t want to lose it.
So he resisted the urge to press the bandanna to his lips. Instead he balled it into his fist and tossed it onto the dresser with his wallet. He’d give it back when he saw Jamie in the morning.
With the lights out, Alex slipped between the covers and found the memory of Jamie lying beside him. The image of him wrapped in his blankets descended on Alex until he couldn’t breathe without tasting Jamie in the back of his throat. The pillows were redolent with the clean soapy scent, and Alex closed his eyes, imagining strong arms around him, soft curls in his hands, warm lips on his throat.
He hugged the sheets close as he fell asleep and tried not to wish he wasn’t alone.
Chapter 10
Alex didn’t see Jamie when he pulled to a stop in front of the shelter the next morning. He glanced at the clock and thought about hitting the horn, but it was early and he didn’t want to wake the whole neighborhood.
He debated on running up to the shelter and knocking—surely someone was up, some small kid watching TV who could let him in. But just as he cut off the engine, the front doors opened and Jamie stepped out into the bright morning light, grinning at him.
Sweet Jesus in heaven above, Alex thought, swallowing hard as he watched the way Jamie’s hair caught the sun, his curls winking in the light. His skin looked like porcelain this early in the day, so smooth, so perfect. Alex could only imagine what it would taste like if he leaned over and planted a quick kiss on Jamie’s soft cheek once he got in the car.
As Jamie came closer, Alex noticed the black leather pants he wore, snug across his hips and thighs, and damn…those pants left nothing to the imagination. He could see every crease, every bulge, e
very wrinkle in Jamie’s crotch, and he had to be wearing boxers or—don’t think it, Alex—free balling, or something, because he shifted with each step—don’t look and don’t even think about it…
But Alex couldn’t tear his gaze away from the jiggle below Jamie’s belt buckle, and when the kid subconsciously reached down and touched himself there, readjusting his pants, Alex almost died. Oh God please, he prayed as Jamie stepped up to the passenger side and leaned into the open window. Please give me strength because he makes me so damn weak.
“Hey there, sexy,” Jamie said, smiling.
Alex couldn’t help but smile back, especially when the tank top Jamie wore gaped open as he leaned over, giving a wonderful shot of the bare freckled chest beneath the thin material. “You said maybe I could drive next time, remember? Can I?”
“You’re wearing that?” Alex asked in reply. He could almost see Saundra’s frown of disapproval.
Jamie stood up and shook out a white mesh shirt. “I’ll put this on too.”
But Alex was staring at his crotch again, eye level now that he stood by the car…where were they going again? What time was it? He didn’t know and didn’t care, just as long as Jamie got into his car and smiled at him one more time.
“See?” Jamie asked, pulling on the mesh shirt. He stepped away from the car and spun around, showing off. The tank top was tucked into those tight leather pants and the mesh shirt barely came to his waist—when he wiggled his hips, Alex was glad his pants weren’t tight or Jamie would be able to see just how turned on he was getting by looking at him.
Damn.
“Well?” Jamie asked, leaning into the car again. “Can I?”
“Can you what?” Alex couldn’t remember what they were talking about but right now? Anything Jamie wanted, he could have. Alex would see to that.
Jamie sighed, exasperated, and rolled his eyes. “Can I drive?”
Alex grinned at the eagerness that shone across his face. Why the hell not?