by Alex Rosa
“I hate you.” I blurt out irrationally.
“You don’t.”
“Yes. I do.”
“I mean, you probably do, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re fighting your feelings for me.”
I grit my teeth. “Do you always cross the line?”
“I will with you.”
“Troy, I choose Noah.”
“For now.”
“Exactly. And hopefully for a while.”
“You don’t mean that.”
I hate that my insides recoil at his defiance. I want to laugh, but I’m still angry.
“I do.”
We hear the beeps of the elevator as it begins to rise, passing floors with a quiet ding that echoes into the hallway.
“Fine. I guess this is a lost cause then?”
Ding.
I wince, feeling a sense of finality with his words, and it hurts, but I can’t tell him that. I nod.
Ding.
“Then you wouldn’t mind that I take a date to that dinner thing Noah threw onto us?”
Ding.
I swallow another sandpaper gulp.
“Of course.”
The doors to the elevator spring open to Troy’s left, and Megan emerges, coming back from her Yoga class. Her petite body and pale skin open for the taking.
“Is that your neighbor you said I’d like?” he asks quietly, throwing a point over his shoulder as she scurries by quietly, trying to act like she doesn’t notice a new male standing on my doorstep.
“Yeah,” I whisper shakily.
Troy smirks, his eyes dragging heavily over me one more time before turning around to face the hall, giving me only his profile view.
“Hey, Megan is it?”
I hear a timid, “Yes, why?”
I lean out of my doorway, offer Megan a tight smile. Then I realize what’s about to happen, and there’s nothing I can do about it as I stand back up straight, hiding.
Troy walks out of my view, extending his hand out to Megan as he approaches her. She doesn’t stand a chance. No woman would.
“My name’s Troy. Your neighbor here thinks we’d be a great fit, and I know this is super bold of me, but would you like to be my date to a double-date dinner this week?”
I’m still standing in my doorway and I refuse to look at their interaction. Instead I’m petrified to the spot staring out into nothingness as I listen to the worst reality show on audio.
Megan giggles. “Are you a serial killer?”
Troy laughs, and it actually sounds genuine. “No.”
“Then you’re lucky. You have officially met my minimum requirement. Call me.”
I hear scribbling, a ripping of paper and then, “Thanks so much, Megan. I look forward to our date.”
I wince again, but quickly stiffen as I try to regain my composure as he hops back into view. And just like that, Troy has a date. He’d never have to work hard at getting a girl, not with those eyes, or that smile. Here he is throwing himself at me, and when denied, he can just show me how easy it is for him to move on.
“I can’t believe you just did that.”
He smiles, and I’m tempted to punch him.
“Why, Jules? It’s only fair isn’t it?”
I close my eyes, and then fling them back open. “I’m not dating Noah to make you mad.”
“Who says I asked Megan out to make you mad?”
I want to cry again, and I don’t think I’m doing that good of a job of hiding it as I muster, “Remember how I said I hate you earlier?”
Troy’s face hardens, but his eyes show remorse. “Yeah?”
“Well, I really mean it now.”
That’s when I slam my door in Troy Dillinger’s face.
I press my forehead against the floor to ceiling window of the conference room. I consider this place to be my future lunch spot if it isn’t taken up for more important matters, like this meeting.
The view is phenomenal. The expansive foggy view of the city has refreshed my memory of why I wanted to change my scenery to this. The urban jungle sprouts from the clouds in daunting structures, begging to be explored— a cement canopy brewing with adventure. Sometimes I yearn for trees, but then again, still being so new, my heart can’t help but race at the sight before me. There’s still so much I have to see. There just hasn’t been much time to act on this thirst for experience. The weather has confined me to my apartment, and work has, well, it’s been messing with my head.
That’s when I realize that the best part of ‘right now’ is the icy feeling against my forehead. I’m overheating with nerves, and my heart hasn’t slowed down since Troy left my apartment two days ago.
I’m twenty minutes early for the meeting. I needed a moment to myself. The confines of this open room and large windows are what I need. I expel a long exhale, fogging up the glass in front of my face. I lean my shoulder against the window, pressing my cheek to the space next to the little patch of fog I’ve created, and bring my hand up to it to draw a heart on the glass, and then I stare … and stare. My vision blurring between the heart and the city that hides behind it, and then back to the heart.
That’s how my life feels. It switches back and forth between crisp focus, blurred lines, this city, and fog.
I smear the heart off the window.
“Julia?”
I fling myself off the glass and turn around, straightening out my hair. “Troy. Hi.”
With trepidation he walks into the room, placing his pile of papers on the long table next to mine, but his eyes stay on me. I hate that he looks so put together, but I’m thankful his tie isn’t red.
He sticks his hands in his pockets and strolls over to me, and for the first time his face is unreadable, but still annoyingly beautiful as it always is. Troy is striking, and Noah is handsome. It’s unfair that one gene pool could create such amazing looking men. Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I’m dealing with both of them, but the thought seems so inappropriate. They’re only humans with flaws. Just like me. Only one has eyes that strip me right down to the core, and the other has eyes that make me feel like I’m the light in a room full of darkness.
Surprising me, pristine Troy leans his shoulder against the glass, and then tilts his head against it. His eyes briefly scan my smear mark on the window and then back to me.
“How are you?” he asks.
I want to be mad at the question, but his tone is too sincere, and his eyes in this light look as gray as the fog outside. I’m mesmerized and somehow find comfort in the whole situation with him near me.
I resume my position from before and lean against the glass the same way he is, staring at him. I thought I would be angry when I saw him face-to-face again, but I can’t seem to muster the anger when I feel so momentarily lost.
“I’m fine.”
He squints, and I can tell he knows I’m lying.
“Do you still hate me?” he asks. The smirk that follows means he’s trying to be playful. I try to smile, but when I fail, his falters.
“My hatred is a moot point.”
He huffs and turns to look away. I don’t know what it means but it causes my anger to reappear, fueled by the fact I don’t like the way he has power over my every waking feeling now. I don’t know when the transition happened, but it has, and it’s ruining me.
“Are you ready for dinner tonight?” I ask, and even as I do I have to close my eyes. We’re too close right now, and I can’t bear to see the look on his face. I want to be joking, but I mean it in a much crueler way. I’ve avoided both Megan and Troy since the whole encounter.
“I wish you were more honest with me.”
My eyes fly open. “What?”
He inches his face closer to mine. Our combined breaths create a thick layer of fog between us while his eyes demand mine, and I obey.
His voice is just above a whisper as he speaks, “I just … I actually have no problem telling
you what I feel, or what’s on my mind, but how could you handle the answer to that ridiculous question when you don’t do the same for me? You’re not fine. I’m not fine. Yet, here we are.”
“I’m as honest as I need to be, Troy. There isn’t much I need to say, at least since I saw you last. How am I? You want more honesty? Well, I’m tired and I’m hurt.” He flinches. My lips twitch with a bit of joy at seeing it, but I have to add, “Even though I shouldn’t be. I’m trying to find a sense of direction, but it’s hard when you don’t know your way around.”
“I’m sorr—“
“Don’t you dare apologize.”
I lift my body off the glass and walk away. What I don’t expect is Troy grabbing for my wrist, swinging me back toward him.
“I can cancel with Megan. I realize I did that whole thing the wrong way.”
I shake my head. “Please stop acting like there’s something going on between us. It’s making it hard for me to pretend there isn’t. You can do whatever you want. I’ll be more annoyed if you cancel on her at this point.”
He hasn’t let go of my wrist, and I hate that a slow burning sensation spirals around and up my arm as I stare at his grip. Then he let’s go, and the feeling vanishes.
“God dammit, Jules. You’re so difficult.”
I point at myself. He doesn’t let me speak, cutting me off, “—Yes, you. Have you ever considered that I’m the one hurting here?”
My face scrunches into confusion.
He sighs, lifting himself off the glass and walks past me as he says, “yeah, I thought so.”
I let his words sink in. Maybe I’ve been utterly selfish in my perspective of the situation. He must be hurting. The idea that someone like Troy could like me has just felt silly, but that’s what he means, doesn’t he?
When I turn around he’s leaning back against the table, nodding. “Don’t worry though, Jules. We’ll be fine.” He shrugs. “Let’s choose your solution. Let’s just pretend nothing ever happened, alright?”
His words are sticky with disdain, but maybe he thinks he doesn’t have a choice.
“Alright?” he repeats to a lighter tune, as if trying to convince me.
“… Okay—“
“Julia et Troy. Pleasure to see you!”
Jacques and Louis walk in. Troy keeps his eye contact with me a second longer than he needs to as he says, “We’re fine,” and then turns around to greet them. He’s back to calm and collected in a nanosecond.
I feel more lost than before. I should be happy. This makes it all much easier, doesn’t it?
Louis walks up to me, grabbing my hand and places a kiss on top of it, knocking some sense into me. I have to buck up, like, five minutes ago.
“Louis, ever the gentleman.” I smile.
“I look forward to working with you again. Your designs are always refreshing.”
I blush. I needed that. Sometimes I forget this is what I’m passionate about. It gives me a renewed sense of self as I approach the table with Louis.
Jacques asks, “Where do we begin?”
Troy grabs for a few pieces of paper and replies, “I’ve already pre-selected a few prime locations for your nightclub to scout out.”
Jacques nods. “What about the inside?”
I step next to Troy, spreading out my four designs. “I’ve mocked up these color palettes and potential ideas so we can choose a direction we want to go.”
“C’est magnifique. I appreciate the preparation. Let’s sign the contract before we move forward.”
Troy shoots me a smirk as he catches my look of mild shock. “Seems we do work well together as a team, even if we don’t communicate.”
He nudges me with his hip, and I smile for the first time all day.
Today was a good day, kind of.
I had been standing in the doorway of the conference room watching Julia for a good few minutes before approaching her. When I saw her draw the heart on the window, all I wondered was who she was thinking of.
It has me feeling like such a fool.
I fuck, and I leave. How is this situation any different?
I run a hand through my hair, looking from one end of the busy street to the other. Cars shift quickly through the city at 8:00PM as I wait for this obnoxious double dinner date experience.
Maybe I’m wrong about all of this. Maybe Julia does want Noah. I have to be okay with that.
Julia came into my life like a flash flood, leaving a disaster in her wake. Now, for what? It’s all too much too soon, and for some reason I feel overly invested too quickly. I can’t figure it out. Maybe it was seeing Julia with Elizabeth. The paternal part of me cannot help but love the whole experience unconditionally, like a damn sap. And Elizabeth adores her, which has me hooked.
It also doesn’t help that Julia is hot, too. I can’t forget that either. Hell, I couldn’t if I wanted to. From the vision of her in the office, to the dance floor, and then naked in my bed pawing at me to love her. How do I burn those images from my brain? I don’t want to, but I need to.
She chose Noah. Actually, she chose Noah before me.
I pace the sidewalk ready for someone to arrive so I don’t think so damn much.
What does she see in him? No. I know what she sees. I see what everyone sees, and they’re right. He’s the nice guy. I get it. That’s never been my thing.
Sometimes, I hate him. It’s so much more than his betrayal in the past, and I won’t admit it has anything to do with Julia.
What do I know, though? Maybe they’re a match made in fucking heaven. Maybe Julia wants the white picket fence life that Noah yearns for so badly. However, I can see in Julia’s eyes that she isn’t close to ready for that. Who moves across the country to settle down? No one.
Noah’s hand comes jabbing into my chest. “What’s your deal?” he asks as he appears.
I fling my eyes up, feeling caught in something questionable. I tug at my leather jacket and shake it off. “First off, don’t touch me. Secondly, nothing is my deal. You’re late.”
Noah raises his eyebrows. “Yeah-okay,” he says, bouncing on his heels, annoyingly eager, then turns to eye me for a second before asking, “Who did you ask out again?”
“Oh, uhh …” I fumble with my words remembering I can’t exactly explain why I was at Jules’s apartment and decide to wing it, fear creeping in slowly. “Megan. Julia’s neighbor, I guess.”
Noah laughs, “She’s hot, but she’s kind of a bitch, isn’t she?”
I shrug, because I don’t have the slightest idea what she’s like. “Is she? Julia said we’d be good together.” My insides contort; I feel like an asshole. I shouldn’t be doing this. Julia was right. I’m doing this out of spite, and normally my revenge feels sweet, but this feels awful.
“There’s my girl.”
If the sex meant nothing, then why does it hurt so badly when I see Julia throw her arms around Noah?
Her smile is pure and genuine, but that tight dress and boots are pure evil. Noah doesn’t deserve that even after all his redemption.
“I missed you,” he says.
She doesn’t reply and instead presses her lips to his impatiently. I’m not ready for this.
“Gross! This is not what I signed up for,” erupts from behind them.
Megan walks around them and smiles when she sees me. Her red lips spreading wide on her petite face, shaped by perfectly manicured blonde hair. She’s a looker, that’s for sure. Her short leather skirt and tight red sweater has a v-neck that dips low enough to have me realizing she’s here to impress.
“Troy, right? This is kind of awkward. Sorry about the love birds.” Megan blindly points behind her. I catch Julia peering over Noah’s shoulder, but she just as quickly looks away.
“Yeah. Megan, you look amazing. This almost feels like a blind date, huh? If you can imagine, being around those two is kind of painful.”
Understatement of the century an
d it’s only been thirty seconds.
“You have no idea. You should see them in the hallway of our apartment building,” she replies.
“I’d rather not.” I can’t believe I say that out loud but her laughter makes the moment more bearable. I purse my lips into a smile, but I can’t seem to laugh.
I drag my eyes over Megan’s legs and see those shoes. I know those shoes. I kissed those shoes off the sexiest feet only a week ago. My stomach bubbles with nausea.
Noticing my staring she says, “These shoes are killer, right? Julia let me borrow them. They are a powerhouse.”
I nod. “They sure are.” I try for no sarcasm, but I know I fail.
Julia walks up to us. “How are my only two friends in the city doing?”
Friends? I tilt my head, looking at her, finding the blatant label between us necessary but over bearing.
“What about Lizzy?” I ask.
At the mention Julia’s lips stretch from ear to ear, and that’s when I know that to be safe I should go home. Can rays of sunshine shoot out of one’s heart? Fuck. When did I become a fairy? Note to self: watch something gory and full of action when you get home to regain some sense of manliness.
“She’s my best friend, actually. I miss her dearly.”
Noah wraps his arm around Julia’s waist with his eyes on me, and for a brief moment I can’t help but consider it to be territorial as he says, “Is my niece really the little girl you were babysitting?”
She nods. “It’s a small world.”
“Lizzy,” Noah says, testing the pet name. “I’ve never heard anyone call her Lizzy.”
Julia shakes her head as if not wanting to explain, and I get too much joy from it.
“It’s a long story. Don’t worry about it,” she replies before placing a placating kiss on his lips. He smiles while they look into each other’s eyes.
My moment of joy turns into a nightmare in a nanosecond. I get the sinking feeling I’ll be getting that in waves all night.
Megan grabs for my hand and tugs me toward the restaurant. “C’mon, Meat”
“Meat?” I chuckle as I trail behind her, eager for a distraction, and she’s as good as any.