by Alex Rosa
I nod like I understand, but I sure as hell don’t.
“I thought I could totally be the old me when you asked me out. The single me. We’d get dinner and have some fun. We had fun, right?”
She’s still crying as she speaks, and I’m unsure if amidst her tears and speech this is a real question.
“Right?” she repeats with more conviction.
Completely terrified by this whole experience I respond, “Of course.”
A smile spreads through her mascara-streaked cheeks. “And of course I totally figured this would happen. I thought we could screw around, and it would make me feel better. Don’t get me wrong Troy, I totally want to take you to my room right now, but the truth is, I’m just not ready to go fuck anyone.”
She pauses, and we stare at each other, and all I can think about is Julia mere walls away, and how stupid I was to do this, besides Megan’s hysterical break down.
“It’s okay,” I reply, because I don’t know what else to say. I rub the back of my neck and shrug. “Don’t worry about it, Megan. Seriously.”
She smiles, and it’s almost cute. “Sorry,” she says again. “I must’ve given you blue balls and stuff, right? I mean, I’d be down for a hand job if you’re really looking for some relief. I guess that’s less personal.”
I clench my eyes shut and try to hold back a laugh while shaking my head. “Megan, that’s very kind of you, but I’m good.”
She laughs. “Good. I would have if you wanted, but I didn’t really want to. I just felt bad.”
“Trust me. I think it’s better it ended up this way. It was nice meeting you.”
She sniffs through another smile and tries to wipe her cheeks of tears. “I’m sorry I ended up being one of those psychotic dumpees. I don’t mean to be. Love sucks, ya know? Sometimes you win, and sometimes you just fucking lose.”
Her words hit me straight to the core, and the conviction as she says it stings. I can feel her pain.
“Megan, for what it’s worth, you’re a catch.”
She grins, and it’s pathetically adorable. “Really?”
I try not to wince at the high, girly squeak of her tone. “Yes, definitely. Well, it’s been swell, but I better go.”
“Bye, Troy. Sorry again about … everything.”
I nod another goodbye as I slip out the front door, hearing her lock it behind me.
What the hell just happened? Sure, Megan’s a catch, but she’s also fucking nuts.
Bewildered by the whole situation I shake myself of it and stare at the forest green door forty feet away.
Julia.
I need to explain myself. I need to tell her that nothing happened, but I’m probably the last person she wants anything to do with.
I pace in front of her door a few times, rubbing the back of my neck, wondering when I grew a conscience.
I have to apologize. I don’t want to be that guy who does things out of spite. I need her to know this isn’t me, or rather, this isn’t who I want to be.
I walk up to her door and knock.
No answer.
I knock again. I press my ear lightly to the door.
Still nothing.
I take out my phone and text her.
Answer your door please
She replies within seconds.
I’m not home
My eyes bunch up as I stare at my phone screen, noting the time. It’s nearly eleven now. She didn’t come home. Where the hell could she be? I text back.
Where are you?
Another instant reply.
Times Square
I don’t waste another second.
Stay there. I’m coming to find you
I don’t wait for a reply as I run down the stairs, two at a time and then sprint toward the nearest subway station while trying to hail a cab at the same time. Whichever gets me there quicker.
Regardless of what her reply is, I’m just going to head there anyway, because I know she’s mad. I felt it when she left. Those round brown eyes screamed at me when her mouth couldn’t.
However, she replies.
Okay
I wait. I don’t know why. I should’ve told Troy to fuck off. I’m a fool. A glutton for punishment. I didn’t even question him. I was just swallowed up by the moment.
I stare up at the grandeur of the digital screens above, flashing wildly with color, feeling utterly liberated. I’m standing between Seventh and Broadway next to the TKTS Booth, and I can’t help my stupid grin thinking about all the times I’ve seen this exact place in movies and pictures.
This is still the best idea I’ve ever had. Why haven’t I done this yet? It’s a quintessential NYC tourist thing and I’m in awe. I feel encased by the city, and somehow find joy in the smell of exhaust fumes and cigarette smoke.
When my chin falls eye level with the masses of people still streaming by near midnight, I see him. Troy.
He’s wearing those wonderful jeans that hang on his hips, his black leather jacket is zipped up to his chin, and his neck is wrapped with a gray scarf, while his eyes blaze bright blue as he stares, bolted to the spot fifty feet away.
I wish life was simpler, because I only want to beckon him closer. I want to share this moment with a friend, and if anything, that’s what we are. Who else can I express my joy with at this point?
Though, it doesn’t stop my eyes wondering if his lips are swollen from kissing Megan, and that’s when I wonder what he’s doing here. He’s supposed to be getting me out of his head and using Megan to do it.
I grow impatient and wave him over.
He finally moves. How long was he standing there?
“Never been to Times Square?” is the first thing out of his mouth.
I smile. It’s another thing I don’t understand. Maybe it’s because above all else and my stupid heart, these are the moments I need the most. Tears begin to prick at the corner of my eyes hit with something more.
“Do you know why I moved here, Troy? Because it wasn’t to steal your job.”
The corner of his mouth does my favorite thing as he stands stoic, but his eyes grow with concern. I get the sinking feeling that his hands in his pockets are more as a precaution than for warmth, but at least he knows better than to touch me right now. He shakes his head.
“I was actually running away. I think I run away from everything.”
He shakes his head again, his brows knitting together. “You weren’t running away. You were trapped, and you needed to escape.”
“How would you even know that?”
“I don’t. I can just feel it.”
“I had a boyfriend back home, a job, and friends –a life.” I just start spewing words. This isn’t how I thought this was going to go.
He doesn’t flinch. “Do you miss it?”
It feels like a loaded question, but I know that’s me wanting to get defensive. I drop my eyes from his and stare down at my fiddling hands. As much as my life has been such a whirlwind of chaos since setting foot here, I feel guilty about my answer.
“No. Not at all.” I swing my vision back to the looming buildings and blinking screens.
“Then you didn’t run away. You made a choice for you; that’s all. Sometimes, that’s just what you have to do.”
“I left California within days of making my decision, and I left a trail of destruction before leaving. The therapist my dad got me backfired so badly.” I let out a nervous chuckle. “But I’ll never look back … because here I am.” I raise my hands, nervously implying the city around me and won’t admit that it has anything to do with him standing here.
He nods. There isn’t any judgment in his eyes, just a hint of a smile and intrigue. “Why did your dad get you a shrink?”
I release another nervous laugh. “No one has ever asked me that before.”
He shrugs. “I tend to be a bit brash.”
“When I gave my dad my two weeks’ notice, I plac
ed it on his desk and told him I couldn’t work for him anymore. My Dad’s really a caring guy, and I know he only ever does things because he loves me, but I was reaching my breaking point. He has always controlled my life, and when I started working for his company my personal and professional life felt like an out of body, robotic experience. I didn’t have an identity anymore. I was going through the motions, doing what I was told. I loved my job, but my heart would break when my Dad would claim my project successes as his own for the sake of the company. I could feel myself slipping away. I was becoming a mindless drone, my passion evaporating with every project success I had to hand over. I think my Uncle Paul saw this. He had been trying to get me to leave for years. So, I finally decided to take him up on his offer. I tried to quit.”
“And then what happened?”
I’ve never told anyone about this before and I have to suck in a breath. “My dad thought I was having a nervous breakdown. He thought I was losing it. He didn’t understand what I was complaining about when I had a salary that funded my apartment in Santa Monica and a future that would eventually put the company in my name. So, he thought I needed some sort of mental counseling and that I was going through a phase of rebellion I never hit in high school.”
“Did he like your boyfriend?”
“Tyler? Hell no. He hated him. Tyler was happy selling surf lessons on the beach for the rest of his life. How could my dad every understand that? Tyler lived for the ocean and living free … yet ironically he couldn’t help but take my Dad’s side all the time, which made them partners in crime at times. Tyler also thought my job was stupid. Which is ironic because his job giving lessons and kayak tours felt silly. Except, I get it now, maybe I was secretly envious. He was living free, and I was caged. My Dad never understood our relationship.”
Troy unfazed by my story asks, “Did you love Tyler?”
“I did, but I don’t anymore. I was doing things for everyone else. I stayed working for my Dad to avoid a family conflict, because I really did owe him so much. And I stayed with Tyler because I knew he’d be devastated if I left. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Tyler for a long time, and he is the greatest of guys, artsy-environmental type. He cares a lot for me, but everything started falling into a routine. Any time I ever wanted to break out of it, someone would argue with me not do it. It all came crashing down when I said I love you and I knew I didn’t mean it any more. He held me back just as much as everyone else. I didn’t necessarily know how to fix any of it. So, I flipped life the bird. Maybe I was having a mental break down. Who knows? My therapist talked me out of leaving numerous times, telling me I was being irrational. Hell, it felt like the whole world was against me. Before my last session I had already dumped my boyfriend, bought the most expensive pair of shoes I’ve ever purchased, and had a plane ticket securely placed in my purse before finally confessing to her that I had already done it all. My uncle got the call only minutes before my session, too.”
“Do you regret it?”
I shake my head, pursing my lips together. “I can’t believe I just unloaded that on you.”
“I envy you.”
Dumbfounded by the statement, I yank my stare back to his. “Don’t say that. I’m a mess.”
“We’re all a mess, Jules. It’s what makes us human. I do a lot of stupid shit.”
I giggle. It causes his smile to grow and it warms my chilled skin. “Like, what?” I ask.
“You want to go get a cup of coffee and we can continue exchanging stories of woe?”
“Is Troy Dillinger going to admit he has flaws?”
“I hate telling you this, but I’m a bag of flaws and fucked up decisions.”
He swings his head to the right, telling me to follow him. So, I do.
When we take a seat in the half empty coffee shop as it nears midnight, I say while, rubbing my face, trying to warm my cheeks, “what am I doing here with you?”
He laughs as he pushes a steaming mocha my way. “We’re hanging out, because that’s what friends do.”
“Where’s Elizabeth?” I ask as I stir in a bit of sugar into my cup.
He hums, turning away, focusing on doing the same. “With her mother.”
“What’s her name?”
Troy’s eyes flick up to mine, and I realize he doesn’t like this topic. “Torrey.”
“How long have you been divorced?”
This time he squirms in his seat. “Five years.”
I try to calculate Lizzy’s age and find the fact he’s been divorced most of her life is even more curious.
“C’mon Troy. I verbally puke my entire life story onto you and you give me one word answers, that’s not fair.” I perch my head on my hand as I place my elbow onto the table.
He wants to smile, but he fights it, I can tell. “This is a story that doesn’t really end particularly well, and I’m not sure you’re ready for it.”
I smile, not understanding. “Please,” I beg. “When did you meet Torrey?” He flinches when he hears her name and I’m even more curious. “You don’t like your ex-wife?”
“No, I definitely don’t like her. I love my daughter and everything about her existence, but I hate that she shares DNA with that woman.”
“That’s harsh.”
His eyes heat as he sips from his cup. “No, it’s kind.”
“Okay, tell me more.”
He grumbles while pulling in a deep breath. “We met in college at NYU. She was a communications major, and I studied architecture. We met at a party, and it was kind of one of those lust at first sight things.”
“Is that a habit of yours?” I blurt.
Finally, I’m gifted with his full smile as he rolls his eyes, letting out a comical hum before continuing. “We dated, and we fell pretty hard for one another, but we were stupid. I was stupid. I can be a dopey puppy when I decide to commit to someone. Granted, I dick around when single, but loyalty is a big deal for me. For Torrey, she hated school. She went because her grandparents paid for her to go, and for her it was a good excuse to party while barely scraping by with her grades. We’d study together, but if you can imagine, we barely studied.”
This is something I do not want to imagine, but like a sadist I ask, “Was she pretty?”
A blush rises to Troy’s perfect cheekbones. “Too pretty. A dangerous kind of pretty.” A long huff of breath escapes him. “I don’t like sharing this story.”
I take small sip from my cup. “You don’t have to share it. I don’t mean to pry.”
“No. I want to, I just don’t like it. See, Torrey was always looking for a way out, and although in the beginning we had good intentions, it didn’t last. I’m sure she loved me, and I have no doubt I loved her. She was fun, carefree, and wild—we clicked. However, there were rumors around campus that Torrey was sleeping around. I confronted her on it and she would get hysterical. I had no proof, and no one was willing to rat her out, so I believed her. Then she gets pregnant our senior year. I was going to graduate in the fall, and she had until the spring. I think she told me she was knocked up a week before graduation. When she told me, I didn’t freak out. I wasn’t brought up to freak out. I simply stepped up to the plate.”
He pauses, wetting his palette with a sip of his latte before continuing, “That’s just what you’re supposed to do, right? I’m a textbook sorta guy. I don’t know if it has to do with the technicality of my degree, but my situation felt like there was an obvious solution. So, I married Torrey because that was what seemed like the right thing to do. She accepted, and we became elated with the idea of becoming parents. What I didn’t see was that Torrey saw this as her way out. I already got a job secured with the city after graduation, and Torrey dropped out of school, refusing to be seen with a baby bump around campus. I didn’t argue. She was hormonal and moody, and she almost miscarried during one of her breakdowns. Regardless of the timing of the baby, I had already committed to the idea of being a father, so I knew I didn’t
want to lose it.”
He pauses again as if to gauge my emotions. I smile sweetly, trying to keep my intrigue as secret as possible. I’m impressed by his sensibilities, but my guts are knotted, anxious to see how this story ends.
Troy nods, licking over his lips before continuing, “Torrey started becoming reckless and depressed. I was really concerned. It was a lot to take on. Her last few months of pregnancy were horrible. I was working long hours, and then trying to console her when I’d get home. Then Elizabeth was born, and for me, everything got better.” Troy pauses again to enjoy his own grin and reflection of the memory.
“Elizabeth is gorgeous now, but you should have seen her when she was born, cute as a button, bald head, and these huge blue eyes. I’d never seen a baby look so wide-eyed and in awe of the world right out of the womb.”
I laugh because it seems so fitting for Elizabeth to enter the world like that.
“Lucky for me I was able to take paternal time off at work and got to spend two months with my baby girl.” He pulls at his bottom lip, thinking for a moment. “Our relationship was already on the rocks at that point, and I think we both thought that when she had the baby it would fix everything, but in hindsight, we probably fell out of love before that and were past the point of no return. I was stupid and blinded.”
I’m on the edge of my seat. “You can’t be mad at yourself for trying, Troy. It was the right thing to do for the sake of your new family. I get it.”
His mouth twitches adorably as he shakes his head in dismay. “Yeah, but when she had the baby she was suddenly never home. I’d call and she’d never pick up. When she did come home it was like we were strangers. She resented me for not finishing school. I was home with the baby all the time, and I wouldn’t exchange the moments I had with Elizabeth for anything, but I was hurt. Although, I knew I could do it on my own if I had to.”