by Kylie Scott
“Atta girl. Get him where it hurts.”
“Apparently I still have some aggression issues to work through, but such is life. He went first for the Sub-Zero fridge with the glass doors that his parents got us as a wedding present,” I say. “But it’s too big for most apartments and houses and its resale value is not that amazing. Nor do I want anything that came from his parents, who have supported their darling boy through his screw-up one hundred percent. Not that I really expected any different.”
“You’re so cunning. I love it.”
“Thank you. Know your enemy, right?”
“Remind me never to divorce you.” He gives me a wink. Him and those damn winks. They turn my stomach upside down each and every time, dammit. “And you’ve obviously given this a lot of thought.”
“Half of that life and its contents are mine. Because of his bad choices we have to go through all of this.” I sigh. “It’s hard to think about anything else right now, honestly. I may or may not have a couple of revenge fantasies running through my head. Nothing that would physically harm either one of them. Just really inconvenience the shit out of them and teach ’em a lesson, you know?”
He just nods.
“It’s funny. Well, it’s not funny. It’s strange, maybe.” I shift in the seat, all the better to see him.
“Go on.”
“I could almost understand him needing physical affection or relief involving someone other than himself after so long,” I say. “If he’d gone to a sex worker to get it, I think I could have accepted that better given the circumstances. I would have been hurt initially, sure. But then I would have understood, I think.”
“Okay.”
“Is it weird to talk about this?” I ask, feeling distinctly weird about it. “Maybe it’s weird to feel this way at all.”
“No. You’re safe with me.”
“Right. Okay.” I take a deep breath. “Thank you.”
“That’s all?”
I shrug. “What more is there to say? He didn’t go to a sex worker. He went to my best friend. And she obviously reciprocated, and that relationship continued well beyond the point he promised me. Obviously. Because if it had only happened once at her apartment with a condom, there likely wouldn’t be a baby on the way.”
“You asked for details?”
“I wanted to know if they’d done it in our house,” I explain. “In our bed. I wanted to know if he’d protected himself and me from any possible diseases or whatever. How disrespectful and stupid the sin was, exactly.”
A nod.
“The first place is on West Street.”
“Tell me about it,” he says.
“Two bedrooms, one bathroom, wood-burning fireplace and big bay windows.”
“Sounds nice. What else have you got?”
“A new one-bedroom, one-bathroom in the East End and an old one-bedroom, two-bathroom in West Bayside.”
“That’s a lot of bathrooms for one person,” he says.
“And both have heated floors.”
“Delightful.”
“The question is, do I want to go more old-fashioned or something urban loft style with high ceilings,” I ponder. “I’ve never lived on my own before. Never gotten to choose my own place.”
“I’d be more interested in location so you can walk wherever you want to go out. What restaurants and bars are nearby and so on,” he says. “You’re investing in a possible lifestyle, you know?”
“That makes sense.”
“So you basically don’t know what kind of apartment you want or where you want it, apart from roughly somewhere in the city.”
“Basically.”
“Any concerns about living on your own so soon after everything?” he asks, shooting me a glance. “Again, not to take the wind out of your sails, young Anna. Just wondering.”
“Yes,” I admit. “Some. But as much as I love my parents, I can’t keep living with them. For all of our sakes.”
“Fair enough. What about work?”
“Hoping to find something part-time in a couple of months maybe. It depends how rehab goes. I think I could handle maybe fifteen hours a week to start off. That’s what I’m working toward, at least.”
“What about money? Not to be nosey, but how is the divorce affecting things?”
“It would probably be more sensible to wait until everything is sorted, but due to Ryan buying me out of my half of the house I can afford something small.”
He hits the signal and pulls over beside a park. Children are playing on the slides, all happy and carefree. Big old trees shade the playground. It’s picturesque. There’s a small pain inside of me at the sight of the children. Not the greater hurt that I’d have imagined the scene would cause. Maybe I wasn’t completely ready for being a parent. Or maybe the idea of bringing a child into the world while everything is so unsettled just doesn’t appeal. I don’t know. But there’s time to figure it out later with the right person, which Ryan obviously isn’t. What I thought was a bright and brilliant future with him is most definitely not and I need to get used to that idea. Embrace it. I need to open myself to the new challenges or something.
“Okay,” says Leif. “Crazy idea time.”
“Crazy idea time?”
“Move in with me.”
“What?” And there I go sounding screechy again. So uncool.
He nods, all self-assured. Not an iota of doubt in his amber gaze. “Firstly, you have furniture, right?”
“Some. Yes. But—”
“Secondly,” he says, then stops. “Oh, shit. I interrupted you again. Sorry. You go.”
“What is secondly?” I ask, crossing my arms.
“It wouldn’t be some weird roommate situation with me. We could help each other. I’ll be around in case you need a hand. You’d have your space without being totally on your own. Just in case . . .”
“And?”
“And you’ll be there in case I, um . . . like if I need a jar opened or something. The strain on my arm can be quite painful.” He grimaces as if to display this unfortunate weakness. The clown. Like he isn’t muscled to perfection.
“You’re such a male,” I say. “I’ll pretend I believe you.”
“I can even tell you if you need to pack an umbrella each day. Very useful to have around.”
“What else?”
“You don’t exactly know what you’re doing or where you really want to be just yet. Therefore, committing to a lease doesn’t make sense.” He smiles all confident. “You wouldn’t have to do that if you moved into my spacious and light-filled spare bedroom. Do what you want. Come and go as you please.”
“This is all about helping me. You’re putting yourself out for my benefit.”
“No. Not entirely. I could definitely use some help paying for the place, okay?” He sags against the headrest. “Truth is, I haven’t been able to work as much in the last while due to the accident. It’s going to take me some time to catch up. Whether you stay for a week or a year, it’s going to help me moneywise.”
“I don’t know.”
“I’ve been thinking about getting a roommate. Honestly. So this would be perfect. It could be like your soft launch.”
It’s a lot to think about.
“Just say yes.”
“Don’t push me. I’m considering things,” I say. “What about the unfortunate kissing incident?”
“What unfortunate kissing incident?”
“Good answer.” I smile. “How about the fact that we’re fundamentally opposites?”
He blinks. “Please explain.”
“I’m hospital corners and you’re free and easy.”
“Ah. Gotcha.” He scratches at the stubble on his jaw. “Well, I figure that means we’ll complement each other and enlarge our experience of the world and people and stuff.”
“And stuff?”
“Yeah. C’mon, Anna. You’re clean, unlikely to host loud parties or annoy the living shit out of me. We get along fine. Y
ou pay attention to things I tend to forget about. Like furniture,” he says. And he’s not wrong. “This is a win-win situation for both of us.”
“Oh, God. I don’t know.”
“If it doesn’t work out you leave. Easy as that.” He taps his fingers against the steering wheel. “Anna, baby. C’mon.”
Here’s the thing about how my life has gone so far . . . playing it safe, being cautious, hasn’t gotten me far. I’m living back at home with my parents, for goodness sake. The man who made the most sense to me let me down in the worst way imaginable. One of the women I used to confide just about everything to stabbed me in the back. Safe, cautious, sensible—these things have not worked out. Maybe it’s time I try a new approach.
“Ugh. Okay. Yes.” And it was not his use of the term baby that won me over. It was something else.
He claps his hands in delight like a child. “Excellent.”
“We give it a try for a few weeks and see how things go,” I say. And who knows, it might work out. Because I can’t have a crush on my roommate. That would just be stupid. A rookie mistake. Things are complicated enough as it is. I’ll get over my unfortunate and weird feelings for Leif. Therapy and getting divorced are sure to keep me busy. Grieving the end of my marriage and getting used to life without Ryan. Stuff like that. Life sure comes at you fast. “See if it works and if we’re both comfortable with the arrangement and so on.”
“Whatever you say.” He grins. “This is going to be great.”
CHAPTER FOUR
“I think I liked it better back over there,” Ed’s wife, Clem, says.
Ed gives her a pained look. Fair enough. He and Leif have been moving things around all day. Which can’t be good for Leif’s arm, but he refuses to take it easy.
“The light is just so nice there,” she continues arguing her case.
“I think they’re running out of oomph for the day,” I say. “Might be time to break out the beers and leave the rest for later.”
She sighs wistfully. Her commitment to the placement of my side table is immense. “You may have a point.”
I’m just pleased to have a new home that is not my parents’. After a busy two weeks, I am indeed now moved in with Leif. My new roommate and friend. Nothing more. Not that it needed to be said because it’s already obvious.
Two weeks was also a necessary period to get the furniture out of the old house, et cetera. It’s nice to be surrounded by my own stuff again. I’d had concerns it would be strange, since it came from my life with Ryan. But nothing feels especially off. New and different, but not off. Though I ordered a new bed. No way did I want anything to do with the mattress from my past. That thing is cursed for all time.
Clem hands out beers, earning a kiss on the cheek from her doting husband. She was attacked a bit over a year ago, and lost all of her memories, though she was only briefly in a coma.
Clem and Ed live in the condo beside ours, along with their dog Gordy, who is asleep under the dining table. He’s a silver Staffordshire terrier and a very good boy. Apparently some creeper dude by the name of Tim used to live in this condo, so everyone was pleased as punch when he left and Leif got the place. They’re obviously all close. A loving family. It’s nice to see them interacting and to be around new people. Today feels like a big step forward. No more stagnating. I am rebuilding my life from the ground up.
“So that’s what the place looks like with stuff in it. I like it.” Hand on hips, Leif looks around with a pleased grin. “What do you think, Anna?”
I smile. “I think it’s all good.”
“Excellent.”
“It’s like a real home now,” says Clem. “You hadn’t made much of an effort with it, Leif. I guess you’re the type that needs a woman to step in and sort things out.”
Ed hides a smile.
“Thanks for the feedback, Clem.” Leif salutes her with his bottle of beer.
“You’re welcome.” The woman can be blunt, but I like it. Fuck faux politeness.
Why do we do that? Why do we hide our thoughts and feelings from people? If we can’t trust who we’re talking to, then do we really even need them in our lives? Though if we’re likely to hurt someone with a possibly unnecessary comment, then I guess I can see the point. Or if they’re just an acquaintance, but someone who for one reason or another we need in our lives . . .
Huh. People are tricky. Relationships are hard.
Perhaps we’ll never really know what most of those around us are really thinking. Maybe that’s for the best. I don’t know. All my deep thoughts have given me is a renewed sense of confusion.
“I don’t think we should run away together after all,” Leif says to Clem with a teasing smile. “Let’s stay with my fool of a brother and make him move furniture around for the rest of his days. It’ll irritate him no end, my lovely Clementine.”
“One of these days when you’re flirting with her I’m going to hit you with something,” says Ed with a pained expression. “Like my fist.”
Leif just blinks. “So violent.”
“Your mom said you two used to fight constantly when you were kids,” says Clem. “I think I prefer you both having grown out of that stage.”
“Seconded,” I add.
“What are you thinking about?” asks Leif, joining me at the table. “What does that look on your face mean?”
My stomach grumbles. Talk about rude. “It means I need food.”
“In the mood for Mexican?”
“Always,” I say, pulling my cell out of my back jean pocket. “I’ll get it. To thank everyone for helping with the move. You guys will stay for dinner, right?”
“We’d love to,” says Clem.
“Great.” I ask for recommendations, and we settle on a local place with good reviews and get busy ordering a bit of everything. “Can’t believe you didn’t even own silverware or plates.”
Leif just shrugs. “I stole a mug from work. That’s all I really needed. Delivery places give you those bamboo cutlery sets all of the time. Seemed a shame to waste them.”
“Very environmentally conscious of you.”
“Nuh.” Ed snorts. “He’s just lazy and he hates shopping. If Mom knew he’d been using empty peanut butter jars as drinking glasses she’d have been over here getting his ass organized months ago.”
“You know, I think I prefer environmentally conscious,” confides Leif. “Makes me sound good.”
His brother just shakes his head.
“He’s right about Mom, though. I am her baby and proud.”
“I can tell you’re the youngest of the family,” I say. “That makes sense.”
“Because of my youthful good looks?”
“Sure.” I smile. “That’s exactly it.”
Clem laughs.
She and Ed have been married for about a year and are still firmly in the honeymoon period. It’s obvious in the way they’re always touching and looking at each other. They’re so in sync.
Ryan and I used to be that way. Before the accident happened, we were in a good place. We didn’t fight a whole lot because often it just wasn’t worth the drama. He could sulk for sustained periods, which was tiresome. I picked my battles. The things that were really worthwhile, that I was willing to dig in over and make my point be heard. I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not, censoring yourself in that way.
Love is such a strange thing. The whole idea of making a commitment to someone. There’s no guaranteed return, just the chance to give. And we throw our heart and soul into the situation, hoping for the best. It’s a giant leap of faith. Nice to see it can work out for some people. I don’t want to get jaded and bitter, but now and then it’s definitely tempting. In the far distant future I’ll meet someone who’ll be so far superior to Ryan and his hazy loyalties and wandering cock that my first marriage and its demise will all seem like a bad dream. One day. No rush.
“You’re an only child,” says Leif. “You can’t speak.”
“True. I was a
late-in-life surprise. My parents didn’t really mean to have kids.”
“No?”
“No,” I say. And I don’t have anything to add to that. That information about my folks was kind of an overshare, actually. The sort of thing I’d normally only talk about with Briar and Celine. But something about Leif makes me a little too comfortable. Too trusting. Or maybe I just shouldn’t be so paranoid in the first place. Who knows?
“Well, I’m glad that they did.” Leif gives me a smile. He always knows what to say to make everything better.
“So are we,” says Clem.
It’s nice to make new friends.
“And when you’re ready to date again, I know this great guy,” she continues. “He works in a coffee shop across from the bookstore. Just a really pleasant person, you know?”
“Oh,” I say.
Leif makes a derisive-type noise in his throat. “I think Anna can do better than just a really pleasant person, don’t you?”
Clem frowns, obviously thinking it over. “It didn’t sound like such a bad idea until I said it out loud. He’s very nice.”
“Boo,” says Leif. “Nice and pleasant.”
“You think he’d be a dud in the sack?” asks Clem.
“Bound to be.”
“You could always set her up with Rahul,” suggests Ed. “He owns a tattoo parlor in town. Good guy. I have no idea nor do I want to know what he’s like in bed, however.”
“Not Rahul.” Leif crosses his arms over his chest. “Tattoos aren’t really her thing.”
“I don’t have anything against tattoos,” I say, my gaze narrowed.
“Yeah, but you’re more traditional in your tastes generally. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”
My chin goes up. “And yet I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a compliment.”
“Just stating a fact, Anna. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings or anything.”
Ed and Clem watch us, heads turning this way and that as if it were a tennis tournament.
“Yeah, but you kind of have anyway. Guess I’m sensitive when it comes to this sort of thing,” I say, settling into the argument. Discussion. Whatever.