by Jerry Cole
“That’s until you can’t get any sleep,” Morgan replied. “And I can’t get any sleep either. And let’s face it, by then, we’ll both be tired.”
“Not that tired if you’re still pawing at me,” Jan said.
Morgan nodded. He wanted to keep talking, because he liked Jan’s voice, and he liked his sense of humor. But he was tired, too, and losing himself in the scent of Jan’s skin seemed like the right thing to do. So he closed his mouth and took a deep breath, his lips grazing against the soft skin on Jan’s shoulder, and eliciting the softest of moans from Jan.
Jan was looking at him when he spoke. “Does this count as pawing?”
“If you want it to count,” Morgan replied. “I can do a whole lot more than that.”
Jan chuckled, shaking his head. “You already did enough, thank you very much.”
“You sound like you didn’t like it,” Morgan said, cocking his head.
“No, I liked it,” Jan replied. “I liked it a lot. I liked it so much that I now have to give my body time to recover. Like, seriously, I don’t think I could go right now even if I wanted to. Which I do, for the record. I just can’t.”
Morgan shook his head. “No, don’t be silly,” he said, untangling himself from Jan. “I didn’t mean it like that, Jan. I don’t want to pressure you into doing anything that you don’t want to do.”
“You thought you were pressuring me?”
“I mean, I thought I might have been,” Morgan replied. “I just—”
“You’re sweet,” Jan replied, rolling over so he could face him. Morgan could see a smattering of freckles on his nose that he hadn’t noticed before. “How about we go to sleep and then we can see how we’re both feeling in the morning?”
Morgan smiled at him. “That sounds good. About those pajamas…”
“I’ll take some,” Jan replied, winking at him. “But only because you insisted.”
***
Morgan woke up at eight o’clock on the dot. He had slowly trained his body always to wake up at eight o’clock, even after a night out. He wasn’t sure whether it was a good thing or not, considering he never had been able to nap, but he loved it then. His eyes fluttered open and he wasn’t sure whether what he was seeing was real or not.
Jan was asleep next to him, his eyes shut and his mouth half-open. He was breathing through his mouth, through the space between his teeth, not quite snoring, and his chest expanding as he breathed in and out.
Morgan took a while to take in Jan’s face. It had been a long time since he had let a man stay over at his place, but there was something about Jan that he couldn’t help but be attracted to, be disarmed by. It wasn’t just the way he looked, which would have been enough to attract anyone. It was also the way he acted, the way he spoke and the way he carried himself. Even the way he was sleeping now, with his hands by his face, said a lot about Jan’s personality. At least that was what Morgan thought as he looked at his date with a growing sense of wonderment that quickly was being replaced with dread.
He had to stop thinking about Jan like this.
He wanted to have a relationship, sure, but he wanted it to go slowly. He needed to take things slowly, because in his experience, falling quick and hard for someone was only a recipe for pain. On the other hand, it wasn’t like any of his relationships had been massively successful. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be there imagining a future with this person he barely knew. What did he know about Jan, really, other than he was good at giving head? That was fine, it was great, but it only could take him so far. Morgan didn’t mind a “friends with benefits” kind of situation, but that wasn’t what he wanted with Jan.
What he wanted with Jan was so much bigger than that. And he didn’t understand why he wanted it with Jan, out of all people. He didn’t even know Jan that well. Maybe he was just lonely, since it had been a while since he had been in a relationship and he was still a little jealous of all the people he met who were his age and already had families.
When he had been younger, he never had wanted children. But he was closer to thirty now than he was to twenty and he would have liked to raise a child. The idea that he could do it with Jan was appealing, but he also realized it was too much. They only had been on one date. As good as his imagination was, the last thing he wanted to do was freak out Jan. If all they were destined to do was have fun, then Morgan was okay with that.
He had to be okay with that.
He didn’t think he had much of a choice.
Jan’s eyes opened slowly. He rubbed his left eye with his fist, yawning as he did so, then stretching. Morgan couldn’t help but smile as Jan stretched. “Hey,” he said once his gaze settled on Morgan’s face. “Good morning.”
“Good morning,” Morgan said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“S’okay,” Jan replied, his voice low. He smiled. “It’s kind of nice to wake up to someone as good-looking as you staring at me. Don’t tell me for how long, though. I don’t want to get creeped out.”
Morgan laughed, shaking his head. “Thanks. If it makes you feel better, it was only for a couple of minutes.”
Jan cocked his head, his eyes widening slightly as he continued to wake up. “I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse,” he replied. “What if I wanted you to be staring at me for a while?”
“I didn’t think you did,” Morgan said, chuckling. “You said you didn’t want me to be creepy.”
“I have a lot of feelings about this,” Jan said, licking his lips. “What were you thinking about?”
“When?”
“For the two whole minutes you were staring at me, you silly man,” Jan replied.
“Oh,” Morgan said. He wanted to answer that he had been thinking about what their children would look like, or more accurately whether Jan wanted to have any in the first place, but he settled for something a little less intense. “I was just thinking about how lucky I am.”
“You were thinking about how lucky you are?”
“Yeah,” Morgan replied. “I mean, let’s face it. You’re out of my league.”
Jan laughed. “I don’t think that’s true,” he said. “You just need to start wearing tighter-fitting clothes. Then you’re going to get hit on left and right wherever you go.”
Morgan smiled at him then he bit his lower lip. When he spoke, his voice was less steady than he wanted it to be. “What if I don’t want to get hit on by anyone other than you?”
“Well, I don’t know if I can arrange that. You’re pretty hot even with what your current wardrobe is,” Jan replied. “But I can arrange you having… no, wanting… to say no to anyone that isn’t me. Would that work?”
Morgan exhaled. He hadn’t realized he hadn’t been breathing at all as Jan spoke.
“Yeah,” he said. “That would definitely work.”
Chapter Eight
Jan didn’t want to bother Morgan. He had also spent quite a while around him and he wanted some time to clear his head. He had never meant to get that deep into things with Morgan. He had never expected their first date, short as it was, to lead to a discussion about exclusivity. He had also never meant to sleep with him. Things had just kind of happened and he had gone along with them, but he couldn’t be blamed for that. Morgan was gorgeous and Jan had been specifically instructed by his supervisor to live his life. No one could blame him for wanting to spend time with Morgan.
The weird part of it was Morgan seemed to like him, too. He had never woken up to someone looking at him, certainly not the way that Morgan had. His eyes had been shining and Jan had wanted to touch him, brush his hair behind his ear, and kiss him on the lips as he greeted him good morning. But he had to stop himself from doing that, because he couldn’t get too deep into things with Morgan. Things were already complicated enough. He knew dating Morgan would help him with making sure he could do his job. The problem was he liked him, too, and that exclusivity sounded better and better. He hadn’t expected to like him as much as he did
. Morgan was sweet, he was interesting, and he was everything Jan would have ever wanted in a boyfriend.
He couldn’t think of how interested he was in Morgan, though. Maybe once he was done with his assignment he would be able to start dating Morgan properly, he thought as he got into the Uber that he had called to pick him up. He absent-mindedly greeted the driver before he drove him back to his apartment. He was looking down at his phone, thinking about his next step, when it vibrated in his hands.
The moment Riley’s picture appeared on the tiny screen he answered.
“Hello?”
“Hi, big brother!” Riley replied. “How are you doing?”
“Not bad,” Jan said, trying to sound more awake than he was. “Where are you?”
“School,” Riley said. “I wanted to tell you I got approved for furlough in a few weeks. So, I’ll go visit Mom when I’m in New York.”
Jan swallowed. “That’s great,” he replied, hoping he sounded sincere.
“If you’re there, we can…”
“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get away from work,” Jan said. “I can maybe go up for a weekend. I mean, I haven’t seen her in ages.”
“Okay, a month is not ages,” Riley said, the irritation obvious in his voice. “You need to stop beating yourself up for not being a stone’s throw away from Broadway Oaks. Mom wouldn’t want you to live like that.”
“I know,” Jan said. “I’m just worried. What if something happens and I’m not there?”
“What’s going to happen, Jan? She’s gonna have a stroke?” Riley said then giggled. Jan didn’t want to laugh at that, but he couldn’t help himself.
“You’re terrible,” he said.
“I’m still your favorite brother,” Riley replied. “Right?”
He had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself down before he continued talking. “Listen,” Jan said. “I appreciate how supportive you’re being. But if anything does happen, you know I would be there the moment it did, right?”
“Oh my God, will you relax? Nothing is going to happen,” Riley said. “Mom has been paralyzed for years now. Unless she’s suddenly going to stand up and start walking by herself again, there’s nothing you need to be there for. You already provide her with everything she needs. I’m only sorry I can’t contribute more.”
“I wish you wouldn’t worry about that,” Jan replied. “I have it covered. Seriously.”
“I know,” Riley said. “You’ve had it covered for too long. Even now, part of me thinks you’re only doing this so you can keep paying for Broadway Oaks.”
Jan sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Riley, it’s the best place for her.”
“I know that,” Riley replied. “I know. And I appreciate how much you do for her, and how much you do for both of us. But you should get to live your life, too. You’re not just my big brother, you’re a human being.”
Jan smiled. “You sound really grown up. It’s hard to believe you’re only about to turn nineteen.”
Riley groaned. “I take it all back. Everything I said.”
“I do appreciate it,” Jan said. “I’ll keep it in mind.”
“Okay,” Riley replied. “You better.”
Jan’s smile widened. “How long is your furlough?”
“A week,” Riley said. “I may go visit you in Danbury. If you have space for me. Still not sure where I’m going to crash in the city.”
“Okay,” Jan said. “Just let me know.”
They said their good-byes. Then, once Riley had hung up, all that Jan could do was stare at the phone. Even if Riley was right about their mother wanting him to live his life, Riley didn’t understand, and Jan wasn’t going to put the burden of caring for their ill mother on his little brother.
Riley already had enough to worry about. The least Jan could do was make life easier for him.
***
As soon as Jan got home, he took a shower and dressed himself in his most comfortable pair of pants and a white cotton shirt with a band name that he hadn’t listened to for years on the front. He had liked them when he was in high school, and it was one of the only belongings he had kept through the years. He told himself it was comfortable, but mostly he only wore it when he was feeling homesick. He was feeling extremely homesick, which was a kind of cruel irony that he never had learned to enjoy. He found a lot of things about his situation darkly amusing, but the lack of a place to go when things were extremely messed up was not one of them.
He wondered if Riley felt it, too. Broadway Oaks was where their mother lived, and where someone took care of her, but their little apartment in Sunset Park was being rented out. Jan was pretty sure they would never go there again. They had no reason to do so. Neither one of them did. Jan even had a few reasons to avoid going back to Brooklyn—and they all had proper names. Still, he couldn’t help but miss the familiarity of that small apartment on the fourth floor. The building was falling apart, but the inside of the apartment had been beautiful. His mother had incredible taste and working at a department store provided her with a hefty discount and her pick of clearance items. When they first had moved, when she had married his stepfather, Jan had been furious. But he only had been about four or five, and he didn’t have a point of reference for what a good father was like. Trevor Rodriguez was a serious man who had scared him at first. He barely talked and seemed to communicate only with grunts and with the movement of his head, however slight it was. Slowly, very slowly, Jan began to warm up to him.
He was strict, but if Jan ever misbehaved, he only looked at him. A glance from Trevor was enough to tell Jan he was out of line. He wasn’t sure what the consequences would be if he kept pushing it because he never dared do that. A few years later, Riley had been born. Jan just had turned six.
He hadn’t been angry at the fact he was going to have a sibling. Rather, he had been angry at the fact his little brother or sister was going to have both a mom and a dad, when all he got was phone calls from Belgium, France, The United Arab Emirates or Japan. These phone calls never were overflowing with any sort of affection for Jan, and when he was done with them, he always felt tired and dirty. Rather, they always seemed to come with a pop-up geography quiz, and if Jan happened to get the capital of the country that his father was in wrong, his father quickly would get off the phone. When he was a kid, Jan wasn’t sure if that was meant to be a punishment, but he quickly came to associate the quizzes with just that. So, he took to studying atlases at night under his covers, long after his mother had told him that it was time to go to sleep, until he could answer his father’s questions to perfection. The moment he had that down, though, his father started asking him other things, things that he didn’t know the answer to. Things about famous inventors that were from the country he was in, or how much he knew about the history of the Moors. As he got older, Jan realized the tests were designed specifically so he couldn’t pass them. He had a great deal of general knowledge, but he had a practically non-existent relationship with his father.
Trevor never had been like that. Trevor had helped him study while holding Riley up with one arm and making dinner with the other. He had taught Jan how to do fractions by taking him to his favorite bakery in Brooklyn and asking the baker, who was his friend, to allow Jan to cut a pie. He had been a little bit delighted, a little bit embarrassed, but mostly he just had had fun. At the end of the exercise, Trevor let him eat as much pie as he wanted. As long as Jan didn’t tell his mom, of course.
Jan never told her.
He remembered asking his mother if he could ask Trevor to adopt him when he was fourteen. His little brother, then six, had been out with Trevor at an art gallery or doing something in which Jan had no interest. Even when he was only fourteen, Jan knew the only opportunity he would have to show his biological father how wrong he had been about him would be to be successful. That success meant money, and to earn loads of money, he would have to go to a good school and get a degree in something that eventually paid w
ell. That was why he eventually had settled on economics.
At the time, though, all he wanted to do was talk to his mother about Trevor adopting him. She was sitting down in the dining room, having her third and last cup of coffee for the day, a Fashion Up! Magazine open on the table in front of her, and a cigarette between her fingers. Jan loved it when she looked like this, so relaxed, like she had nothing better to do. He didn’t like bothering her, but what he had to tell her was important. He had an entire presentation set-up to explain why it would be so much better if Trevor adopted him. He had bullet points, graphs, anything she could want.
He could have gone to Trevor first, but he wanted to run it by his mother. After all, she was the decision maker in their home. Whatever she said would happen, happened. He figured if he got her on his side, it would be much more likely to happen.
He didn’t manage to get that far into his presentation, though. The moment he had made the request, his mother held his hand and smiled at him. “Yes,” she said. “Of course he wants to adopt you.”
Jan’s eyes had widened. “You mean that?”
“Of course I mean that,” she’d replied, taking a long drag of her cigarette. A cloud of smoke formed in front of her when she spoke again. “You’re just going to have to wait a few years.”
Jan’s heart had sunk. “But why? I want him to adopt me now. He’s better than my real dad. He’s a piece of shit.”
For a second, it looked like she might say something about that, at least correct him on his language. All she did end up doing was shrugging her shoulders. “Trevor wants to adopt you,” she finally said, simply. “But we depend on the money that your father sends. Raising two children is expensive. We wouldn’t be on the street if he stopped paying child support, but we would be facing some difficulties that we don’t have to right now. For instance, you wouldn’t be able to go on road trips with your friends from school anymore. If the debate team ends up qualifying, we wouldn’t be able to afford for you to go. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
It was Jan’s turn to shrug. “So, I guess he doesn’t want to do it.”