by Jerry Cole
Jan nodded. He took the tie off his collar and handed it to his brother, who rolled his eyes when he received it. He put it around his own neck and did a knot that didn’t seem to take him any time at all, then handed it back to Jan.
“Are you really going to go through with this?” Riley said, the bitterness clear in his voice.
“Riley,” Jan said. He tried his best to sound patient, though he didn’t feel it. “Even if Morgan wanted to be with me, which he obviously doesn’t, I still need to provide for Mom. I still need to have a job. They’ve spent a lot of resources getting me where I am, and as much as the company seems to like me, I’m just one person. My assignment is on a strict need-to-know basis. Do you really think the company is going to assign someone else to do my job, put all their resources into it, and it won’t have any consequences for me?”
Riley cocked his head. “What do you mean?”
“I mean I still have to… I still need a job,” Jan replied quietly. “I’m not…”
“You’re doing it again,” Riley said, sitting back down on the bed. “You have the chance to be happy, and you feel too guilty to take it. You need some intense counseling, dude.”
“Okay, well, my insurance pays for mental health stuff,” Jan said, shutting his eyes tightly. “And I won’t have it if I get fired. You get that, right?”
“Fuck this,” Riley replied, getting to his feet and walking toward the door. “Honestly, you’re such an idiot. I hope you’re not mad at me for saying it, but you really are an absolute idiot.”
“Thanks,” Jan said.
Riley turned to look at him. “You shouldn’t go,” he said, his tone sounding far more serious than it had before. “I’m serious, Jan. This isn’t good for you. We can figure this out. You don’t have to do this, okay?”
“You don’t understand,” Jan replied, shaking his head. “And that’s okay. You shouldn’t have to understand. I’ll deal with this.”
Riley sighed, rubbing his temples. “You’re not dealing with anything,” he said. “If anything, you’re making things worse for yourself.”
“Stop it,” Jan replied, his eyes narrowing. “That’s very easy for you to say, but you don’t get it. One day, you’re going to have to do things that you don’t want to do to look after your family, too. Until that day comes around, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that your life is easy as possible.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
As the day went on, Morgan kept trying to forget that Jan was interviewing while he was working. Or attempting to work, because he could hardly concentrate on everything that was happening on his screen. He could hardly concentrate on anything that wasn’t Jan. If Jan did start working at FinaSoft Corporation, Morgan wasn’t sure what that would mean for his own job. He didn’t even want to start thinking about what it would mean for his relationship, though the very idea of his relationship was up in the air now.
There would be only one way to check whether what Jan was claiming was the truth. He needed to get his hands on the product that State Fidelity had received and compare it to the product that other, bigger financial institutions had received.
Over the online chat system, he asked Sam to give him access to both prior versions of the software, claiming there was a tricky bug in one of the processes, and that the documentation was incomplete, so it would be better if he could see the source code himself. Sam was also a programmer, and he had no reason to doubt him. Engineers were often bad about documentation, and it wasn’t a stretch for Sam to believe his excuse, since it was something everyone in their department did. Sam only asked him why he needed both versions. All Morgan had to say was he had to compare them because he needed to find something out about the algorithms. Sam said he was happy to send both his way. As long as Sam didn’t have to explain anything to him, Morgan was reasonably sure Sam wouldn’t have a problem giving him anything he asked him for. He grabbed a can of soda from his drawer, something he only allowed himself when he was feeling extremely stressed out, and opened up before he started downloading the software.
The software was hopelessly outdated and convoluted, and if Morgan had been in charge, he would have been delighted to start redesigning it. Being the software monolith, however, meant that any financial institution was unlikely to trust anything new that came out of FinaSoft Corporation, though Morgan didn’t see them having that much choice in the matter. FinaSoft was the only provider of this product in the world. The financial world wasn’t exactly going to move on to a new provider when there was no one that would be able to do exactly what FinaSoft’s software did.
Certainly not in good time. Once the software had finally downloaded, he took a closer look at it.
He only looked up when Sam brought him lunch, and then much later only because it was starting to get dark outside. He knew he should probably leave, but there was no way he was going to be able to go home before finishing what he had to do.
He ate at his desk, but only when he realized that ten o’clock had come and gone and he still was not even close to getting out of the office. The cheese pizza he had ordered was just what he needed, and though he normally never allowed himself to eat as much as he did that night, he needed to focus on his work instead of his body right then.
He had combed through almost every detail of the code, and he was almost positive Jan hadn’t been lying. Although he wasn’t sure if the code was there on purpose, or if it was simply an oversight. At first, Morgan thought he would find something as simple as an artificial wait time programmed into the code, but when he didn’t, he noticed the algorithms weren’t matching up. It was subtle—it could be attributed to some companies having an older version of the software and some having the updated one. But if what Jan had said was true, about the financial markets depending on information that was delivered in seconds, then State Fidelity, along with other companies that had purchased that software, were getting screwed. If he had been part of the purchasing company, he wouldn’t have been happy.
He didn’t think he would send a corporate spy, but he certainly would be annoyed. On the other hand, millions of dollars were at stake here, more money than he ever had seen in his life, and he was sure the scope and degree of how serious things were probably just was not sinking in quite yet. There was a reason he had gone into coding instead of finance.
He made a mental note to ask his boss about it the next day as he finished manually double-checking everything that seemed off, doing calculations on scratch paper and sucking in his breath every now and then as the math started showing him exactly how many seconds difference there were between the expensive and the not as expensive versions of the software. Unlike what he had first thought, the difference wasn’t at all negligible. In fact, when he added it up, it came out to about ten seconds in almost all aspects of the software, which made the less expensive version a lot less reliable than the more expensive one.
Morgan finally finished up after midnight. He wondered if he should mark his hours as overtime, but he wasn’t sure. There were only so many hours people in his department got as overtime, and he technically was working against the company. It seemed like bad karma to him but, at the same time, he knew he deserved to be paid for his work. Especially if the work he just had done would save the company from litigation that was certain to turn out to be more than just a headache. Although it could end up putting Morgan out of a job.
He couldn’t contemplate that. There were too many factors that he simply didn’t have enough information to judge properly. One thing was for certain, though. Jan wasn’t lying, at least not about the root problem. Morgan didn’t understand why he didn’t feel more relieved.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jan and Riley were watching a movie together, another one they said they were going to catch up on, in Jan’s living room. His roommate’s cat, Bear, was on Riley’s lap taking a nap. It was odd, since Bear never seemed to like anybody, and she definitely didn’t like Jan. So, of
course, she immediately had taken to loving Riley. It was stupid, and it wasn’t a good reason to have his feelings hurt, but Jan couldn’t help it. It felt as though everyone, even the stupid cat, was taking Riley’s side over his.
He wasn’t trying to be stupid or dense, he just was being a realist. If Riley couldn’t understand that, it was his problem. It wasn’t Jan’s. He was doing his best and that was all that could be asked of him. It was certainly all that his brother could ask of him. He was about to say something to that effect when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He took it out and his heart dropped when he realized it wasn’t Morgan, it was a number that wasn’t saved on his phone. He almost sent it to his voicemail, but when he saw the way Riley was looking at him, he thought it would be best if he answered it. At least then he could walk away from his little brother’s glare.
He stood up and walked toward his room before he pressed the button to answer the call. “Hello?”
“Hi,” the person on the other end said. “May I speak to Jan Van Roy?”
“That’s me,” Jan replied, smiling at the formality of the call. The smile quickly disappeared from his face as he realized the only thing that this call could be regarding. He looked at the digital clock he kept on his nightstand, hoping it was too late for FinaSoft Corporation to call, but it wasn’t. He started pacing around his bedroom. Riley was right, this apartment was shitty. He could find another job in the city, another job in the Bronx, closer to his mother. Morgan was employable anywhere. Morgan might even want to go with him, depending on how much Jan begged him.
“I’m Zachary from FinaSoft Corporation. We met today,” the man on the other end of the line said. Now that he had introduced himself, his voice sounded familiar, though Jan was surprised he still could hear him over how loud his head was right then. The worst part was he could focus on nothing but Morgan, the way that Morgan would feel when he found out about this. He wasn’t sure if Morgan would be offended, upset or just angry with him for taking the position that was now being offered to him. Morgan hadn’t told Jan what he wanted and Jan didn’t want to assume that he was okay with Jan taking the internship just because he hadn’t said anything.
“Hi,” Jan replied. “Yeah, it was very nice to meet you.”
He couldn’t even remember meeting Zachary. There had been four people at the meeting, not counting himself, and Jan wasn’t nervous at all. If anything, he had used a little too much humor, he had been a little too blunt. Only when he was talking to Zachary did he realize he had been doing his best, at least subconsciously, to sabotage his own efforts. The puzzles were easy, he always had been good at those. But everything else, that was hard.
He didn’t know why.
No, he did know why. He just didn’t want to admit it to himself. He didn’t want to prove Riley right. He didn’t want the internship, not at all. Not if it meant he couldn’t have Morgan. He had been wrong. Riley had been right. That was crystallized the moment Zachary spoke again. He had been trying his best to be responsible, but the idea of it made him feel sick to his stomach.
“We would love to offer you the internship,” Zachary said. “We need someone in our programming department to do clerical work right now. You may need to do some coding too, if you’re up to it. You said you’ve tried your hand at it.”
Jan swallowed. Part of his training to go to FinaSoft had been to take a few programming classes online, one of which still was ongoing. They seemed useful, if he ever was going to go into engineering, but he wasn’t gifted at things like algorithms. He much preferred his math to be surrounded neatly by data and politics.
“So, what do you say?”
“I don’t know,” Jan heard himself say. The words came out of his mouth before he could process what to say and he was keenly aware of how unprofessional and young he sounded.
It took Zachary a while to say anything back to him. “You don’t know?”
How could he have been so stupid? He had no idea what Morgan would say. His mother still would need care, no matter how much he wanted to date the amazing and so good-looking and—he really, really needed to stop thinking about Morgan.
“I mean, I don’t know when I can start,” Jan said quietly. “I’m sorry. I just got a little excited there.”
Much to Jan’s relief, Zachary laughed. “I totally get it. So, when can you start?”
***
The moment Jan stepped foot out of his bedroom, he saw Riley standing up, his fists clenched at his sides. He took a deep breath and then exhaled through his nose, all while Jan held his breath.
“You took it,” Riley finally said. He said it so quietly Jan hardly could hear him. “You took the internship.”
“I always was going to take the job,” Jan replied in a whisper. “Nothing changed.”
“Wow,” Riley replied, shaking his head and moving back. “I can’t believe you. How can you say that?”
Jan swallowed. “Riley, please. I don’t want to argue with you anymore. I know the reason you decided to surprise me was so we could bond without tragedy hanging over us. But ever since you got here, all that we do is fight. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love having you here, but you’re—”
“Being pushy?” Riley replied, cocking one eyebrow. “Yeah, because I see what you’re doing to yourself. Do you think I’m going to feel okay about leaving you here, with things this way, going to visit Mom at a place that I know you barely can afford that has nicer furniture than, oh, I don’t know, all the furniture I’ve literally ever owned in my entire life?”
“Mom deserves the best care,” Jan replied between gritted teeth. “I can’t believe you’re arguing with me about this.”
Riley shook his head. “Oh, is that what you think this is about? You think I don’t want the best care for Mom all of a sudden?”
Jan set his gaze on the wall away from Riley as he kept talking. He didn’t want to see the frustration in Riley’s face, or the tears welling up in his eyes. He didn’t think he had seen Riley cry ever since they had come back from the hospital when their mother had been taken after having her stroke. They had barely slept then, smoking cigarette after cigarette with each other until they had finished a pack in a few hours while the television droned on and on with episodes of some animated show in syndication. Jan hadn’t been paying attention to what it was but also neither had dared turning it off. The silence would have been too much. At least when they were in the hospital, they both felt as though they were doing something, as though things were moving. But when they were back at home and their mom wasn’t there, when they couldn’t hear her footsteps in the kitchen, or her off-key humming in the living room, everything felt wrong.
Riley hadn’t cried at first, not until a commercial about beer set him off. He had started by laughing, because the commercial had been funny, and then there were tears streaming down his cheeks and he wasn’t laughing anymore. Jan had wanted to hold him, but Riley was too old for that, and it just would have made him more upset. So, Jan had brought him ice cream from the freezer. Except the ice cream was already open and Riley said he hadn’t opened it. So, they ate it together while crying and talking about how Mom would open packages of food only to take a few bites out of them and then put them back.
“I didn’t say that,” Jan replied, closing his eyes. “I don’t think you want the standard of care for Mom to change, I just—”
“You’re right, I don’t!” Riley replied. “I just want you to move her out of the most expensive city in the world. Especially considering that neither one of us actually fucking lives there anymore. You could bring her here, if you were going to stay, and—”
“I’ll go back,” Jan replied, casting his gaze to the floor. “Once this assignment is over, I’ll be going back to the city.”
“Right,” Riley said bitterly. “Empty-handed and single.”
“If you think a six-figure salary is me being empty-handed, then…”
Riley shook his head. “You don’t have to do thi
s alone. You need to stop this.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop treating me like a kid,” Riley replied. “I’m not. I’m a grown-ass man. Stop martyring yourself like you have to be a fucking saint to get Mom to live in the best care home in the Bronx. You know what Mom loves? Mountains. You know where she would thrive? A place with a fucking view and a real garden, not that pretend roof garden shit they have going on at Broadway Oaks.”
“Moving her would be expensive,” Jan replied. “And I’m not treating you like a kid, okay? I’m just being sensible. And reasonable.”
“No,” Riley replied. “You can tell yourself that all you want, but all you’re doing is getting in the way of your own happiness. The reason I’m being so overbearing is because I hate that you’re doing this to yourself. Do you think I don’t feel guilty enough about the fact you had to pick up the pieces after Mom got sick?”
Jan swallowed, looking up at his brother again. He hadn’t noticed it before, but Riley’s voice was breaking. “I didn’t want you to feel guilty.”
“Okay, great,” Riley said. “That’s fine. And at the time, I get it, I shouldn’t have felt guilty about that. But right now, when I see what you’re doing to yourself, it fucking kills me. It makes me feel like you decided you don’t deserve any happiness because of me.”
“That’s not—”
“Not true?” Riley sharply asked. “It’s definitely true, Jan. Think about it. If you’re not letting yourself be happy because of me, then I don’t think I can be in your life. Because you’ve been an incredible brother, you more than stepped up to the plate. God, even when Dad died, you were always there for me, even though Mom was devastated. I always looked up to you as a kid, and that was the moment I realized how much I loved you. You know how people say that you can’t choose your family?”
Jan couldn’t bear to look at him then. “Yeah…”