What did he have to lose?
Only his heart.
His soul.
His marriage.
Oh, and his damn sanity.
Swallowing his pride, Ethan took one big step back to normalcy, and opted to fight for his marriage and relationship with his partners.
His way wasn’t cutting it.
At all…
“Ethan, I’m so glad that we get to talk today,” Doctor Gaines began. “How are you feeling?” she asked patiently.
Over the last four months, Callista Gaines had come to one conclusion. This man was one tough nut to crack. As hard as she pushed, Ethan Blackhawk had stubbornly offered nothing but resistance. In her reports to Gabriel Rothschild, he insisted that the woman keep at it and to hit harder. Callista wasn’t sure that was a good idea, but she went with the boss man’s instincts on this one.
Taking a deep breath, Ethan took a chance.
“I’m not feeling so great today,” he began. “I saw Elizabeth crying last night in Callen’s arms. I’m afraid that this is crushing her, and she’s not going to survive it. I’m killing my wife.”
Well, that shocked the hell out of her. As an FBI profiler and psychiatrist, she had seen a lot in her years with the Feds and private practice. Never once did she believe that Ethan would actually be open with her.
Maybe the man had a chance to find his way back yet.
“Why do you think she broke down?” Doctor Gaines asked, cautiously. She didn't want to push too hard, now that she had finally gotten through the tough outer exterior of the man.
“I don’t think that I’ve been able to be the man she needs lately,” he began. “I’m damaged.”
The truth sat there between them.
“Ethan, you went through a terrible experience. You have a right to be damaged. If you came out of this unscathed, I’d have to question your humanity and sanity.”
He closed his eyes. “When I go to sleep at night, I’m there. I’m in that bathroom, duct taped to the sink, and he’s cutting into me. I can feel the knife slicing into my skin. I can hear his words and know that he’s going to kill me.”
As if on cue, his ringless hand went to his chest over where the pentagram was carved. When the killer took his wedding ring, he simply wasn’t able to put it back on his finger. It symbolized and reminded him of what happened, and he wasn’t strong enough.
“The sick words that he whispered in my ears won’t stop replaying over and over. The pain of him abusing my body lingers, and it takes me back there.”
“But he didn't kill you, Ethan. You were stronger and you beat him, and death. That’s no simple feat. In fact, you’re incredibly strong.”
No, the killer didn't know how desperate he was to survive or how badly he wanted to get back to his family.
Just like now.
“I feel like he reached into my chest and stole a little piece of me away. I feel like my heart is gone.”
Doctor Gaines leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. “Are you still in love with your wife and your brother?” she asked, not quite sure how to phrase that question. The threesome thing was new for her. “Or do you think it’s time to peruse a new life outside of that couple? Maybe you need to move on because you’ve changed, and that’s why you can’t feel the way you want to feel.”
That had his attention and horrified him “Hell yes, I still love them! She’s my everything in life, and the mother of my children. I fell in love with her the second I met her, and I never stopped feeling that way. As for my brother, he’s part of us and I can’t repay him for what he’s done for our family. I love him to my bones and trust him completely.”
The way Ethan responded told her everything that she needed to know. When his eyes filled with so much emotion, she knew how hard he was struggling.
“Ethan, I need you to repeat after me. I was abducted and tortured, and it was no one’s fault but the killer’s.”
He stared at her, as he tried to believe what she was saying. Deep down, he didn't buy it. He allowed emotions to get in the way, and now he had damaged his family. Elizabeth was shattered, Callen was carrying all the weight, and he was empty. Then, there was the added knowledge that his wife was blaming herself for this mess.
“It’s the truth,” she reassured. “You didn't do anything wrong. You were the victim. What you’re feeling now is perfectly logical. A person, who is hurt or abused, tends to look inward and search for a reason why it happened. It’s natural to point blame at the only person who could be guilty of it. You didn't cause this. Patrick Parrish did, and you were a victim.”
From his psych evaluations before the abduction, Doctor Gaines knew how to get to the man. This was the one sure way to reach him.
Use logic.
Ethan sat there and felt himself wanting to close back up and push the woman out of his mind. Yet, there was this tiny little spark that wanted to get his old life back. All he needed was to focus on that and reach his goal.
“When he tortured me, he degraded me,” he offered. “The killer worked on my fears. He cut off my hair and told me that my wife wouldn’t love me anymore, because it was gone. He destroyed the tattoo on my body that symbolized our life together and mocked me. For hours, he tried to break me, and finally he did.”
She simply listened as he got it all off his chest.
“He watched us as a family. He knew that she loved my hair, and that I loved it. When Elizabeth and I made love, she would run her fingers through it, and now…”
Doctor Gaines pushed, “Go on, Ethan. You’re doing well.”
“Now, she hesitates before touching me. It’s as if it repulses her, and she’s doing it out of obligation alone.”
Whenever they came together, his wife was more cautious around him. She didn't just jump into the moment and feel. It was like she was trying to protect him. It made him feel impotent in his life.
“Have you said all this to her?”
He admitted that he hadn’t.
“Maybe, you need to tell her this.”
He knew he did, but how did he take his already broken wife and force her to face it all over again? By bringing it up, Ethan was forcing her to shoulder the demons again too.
“When he was trying to break me, he scared me. I didn't care if he killed me. I wanted to live, but if he was going to slit my throat, what could I do?”
She pulled out a pack of gum and offered him a stick. It was a way to break the ice further and possibly bond them. When his blue black eyes flickered up to hers, she didn't doubt that he knew what she was doing.
This wasn’t any ordinary Fed. This was the FBI’s secret weapon when it came to profiling. There was no doubt that he knew the game she was playing. When he gave in, it showed his willingness to reach out for help.
“What scared you?”
“That he was going to hurt my family.”
She popped the gum in her mouth and watched him. “He’s not hurting your family now, Ethan. You are.”
That surprised him and caused his heart to stutter in his chest. Where he honestly believed her to be some fluff brained shrink, she just took a route he didn't expect.
Well, well, Doctor Callista Gaines had big brass balls under the pretty exterior. It was good to know, and proved how far off his game he was. Ethan never saw this one coming.
What he didn't expect was for her to blame the victim on this one.
Doctor Gaines gauged his reaction and knew that she was on the right track to helping the man clear his mind. Once he got past the pity, there would be anger. Right around the corner from that was healing.
It was time to give him a way out of the mire of emotions and set him back on track. He was sturdy enough to handle the pressure that she was applying to him.
“I’m hurting them?”
She nodded. “Have you reached out to them and asked them to help you heal, or have you retreated and thought that you can do it alone?”
He stared at her.
He hated that she saw right through it all.
“Of course I’ve retreated, Doctor. You know that or you wouldn’t have asked.” His temper was building, and soon it would explode out of control.
She smiled at his flash of anger. “Yes, I’m aware. I can also tell you that you’re strong willed, a control freak, and believe that a man is a man.”
He laughed at that. “Yeah, have you met my wife?” he asked, seeing the absurdity in that.
“Oh yes, I’ve met her. I’ve also read her reports and seen her in action. I have to say, you’re a lucky man, Director. She loves you a great deal. Even when I questioned her about you, trying to get some information, she said nothing. Elizabeth stared me down, told me that I was fortunate that Gabe sent me there, or she would send me back a few feet shorter and a few organs lighter.”
A small smile flittered across his lips. He was lucky and knew it. So, the old Elizabeth still existed. It gave him hope.
“In fact, she’s incredibly protective of you. You earned yourself a very vicious guard dog who would attack to keep you safe.”
Didn't he know it?
“But, maybe it’s time for you to assert yourself. Take your stand and get your life back. I’m not saying that you need to march up to your wife and demand that she remain barefoot and pregnant,” she stated. “But if you want your life back, you need to do what it takes to get it.”
The picture of his Lyzee barefoot and having a baby made his heart ache. He would love to tell her that, and right about now, he knew that she would do anything to give it to him.
That’s how far they’d fallen. When his balls to the wall wife would tank her career to save him, they had a major problem.
Alas, the doctor was right. He needed to grow a set of his own.
“I want to. I just don’t know how to get back to where I was. I feel like I can see her and Callen across the river. I just can’t get to them. I don’t know how to build the fucking bridge back home,” he replied, frustrated. “I want my life back, but how do I do it?”
Doctor Gaines closed her file and stopped making notes. “Do you want my opinion?”
He stared at her. “Yes! Why else am I here? Stop with the mumbo jumbo bullshit, Doctor. I’m well aware how to screw with someone’s mind. I do it daily, or I did, and I was damn good at it too.”
She grinned. “That’s your problem, Ethan. You’re so focused up here,” she replied, pointed at her head before continuing, “but you’re not focused here.”
When she tapped her chest, he was confused.
“What’s coming up, Ethan?” she inquired.
He had no freaking clue.
Each day had passed and moments ticked by. The dates stopped mattering in the end. He survived Elizabeth’s Turkey Day bash, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve.
For every holiday, he thought of it as a milestone and a marker away from Halloween and what had happened. They each signified one step further away from what damaged him.
She saw him struggling. “Valentine’s Day is coming.”
Holy shit!
How had he forgotten that one? Was he really that far gone that he nearly missed the most important wife holiday that ever existed?
Damn it!
“Were you romantic before you were taken?” she asked, watching his eyes. They were the window to his battered soul, and spoke volumes.
Ethan had to think about it. “I like to think I was at one point.” He knew the truth. He had romanced his wife many times. Not because he had to do it, but because he loved to. It gave him great pleasure and joy to buy her a memento, make a memory, or do something spontaneous. When her face would light up, his heart went along for the ride.
When had he lost that simple joy too?
Immediately, he thought about her name tattooed across his lower torso, and again, his hand went to his abs and rested there.
“Answer the question, Ethan. Were you romantic?”
“Yes, I prided myself on it.”
She didn't doubt that for a second. Ethan Blackhawk was a man’s man. From the expensive suit, to the way he sat in her office. The man oozed confidence and security. Now, he was falling apart inside and didn't know how to hold it together.
“Maybe you should get away. Take a few days off and have a little romantic interlude with your partners.
He stared at her. “Okay, maybe planning a night away at a hotel will distract me.” Yeah, and help find a way back to being a man, being Lyzee’s husband, and growing a spine again.
“I was thinking more long term than a night away.”
He stared at her.
“What you need is an extended weekend where you three can talk, be honest, and find what you temporarily misplaced.
Okay, he could do that. In fact, it sounded… appealing.
“Stop being the victim and work on being a husband.”
“Will this really work?” he asked, standing up.
The doctor just shrugged. “That’s up to you, Ethan. This is your life, and your path. What happens rests on your shoulders. If you want it back bad enough, I’m sure you can get it.”
He slipped back into his suit jacket and buttoned the pricy material.
She had a point.
“Take her somewhere significant to you, or to you and Callen. Be completely open and honest with your feelings and trust that your family will have your back. Be yourself and let the healing happen.”
He could do that.
“Valentine’s Day is all about being with the ones you love and making memories. Go with that, and everything should be fine. Go to the one place that will speak to you both here,” she said, pointing at her head. “And here,” she added, touching her heart.
In his brain, the wheels already began turning.
“Focus on the emotional and not the physical. Sex is great at helping a couple come together, but you need to find a way to be open with them and tell them how you feel. You need to speak the truth.”
If he were to take his wife away for an extended weekend, and it had to be special, he knew where it should be.
It looked like they were going to make plans to head back to where it all started. Maybe by revisiting the beginning, he could find his way back to his life.
He could get back to his Elizabeth.
~ Chapter Two ~
Glancing down at her watch, she noticed that the conference call was just about over. Lately, she had been handling all the calls that she possibly could manage. That included the ones that dealt with the issue that they had brewing in Las Vegas.
A few months ago, it had been brought to their attention that someone was once again trying to buy off one of their directors. While it worked with the last man, it wasn’t going to fly with Greyson Croft.
He simply wasn’t having it.
Most of the call dealt with his nerves and what was coming on the horizon. It hadn’t taken long to calm him down and reassure him that they indeed still had his back.
More so, she believed that his uneasiness was from the silence of nothing going on in Vegas. It was like the calm before the storm. While the place was generally a hot bed of crime and other issues, it seemed to have mellowed out.
In her opinion, that meant one of two things.
Something was coming or the criminal element was scared shitless. God, she prayed it was the latter, because at that moment, there was just no way that she could handle it.
Just as she was signing off the call, Callen stuck his head in the door. Elizabeth motioned for him to enter and bid the other director a good day. With this call done, it was one more thing off her to do list.
“Cal, darlin’,” she said, grinning. “Did you come to have lunch with me?” It was just one more thing that he had begun to do since Ethan seemed to want to stay as far away from her as possible.
God, she was starving and her stomach was rolling from nausea at the same time. Yeah, if there was any doubt of her state, Elizabeth could
pretty much erase it.
“I actually did,” he replied, dropping a kiss to her waiting mouth. “What are you in the mood for?” he asked, as he moved over to one of the leather chairs sitting across from her desk.
“I don’t care,” she replied, trying to remain neutral. If she said anything, he might suspect that there was something going on in her body.
“Well, my schedule is almost clear for the day,” he began. “I have a mediation call later this afternoon, and most likely will have to work late.”
Elizabeth could hear the wariness in his voice.
“You realize that you can head back out on assignments, Callen. I have it under control now,” she reassured, except it was nothing but utter and total bullshit. Elizabeth felt out of control and out of step.
“No, I’m okay,” he stated. “I’ll head out once everything here is back to normal.”
They both knew what he was referring to on that one. He intended on sticking close until Ethan was back on his game. If it took ten more years, Callen was willing to bear the burden of long days, longer nights, and the stress.
He would do anything for his family.
“Besides, I can’t bear to be away from you,” he answered, lecherously. “I need my daily Lyzee fix.”
The laughter came easily, as it always did with this man. Callen had a way of making her heart light, even when it felt like concrete.
At the knock at the door, they both paused.
“Come in,” she said. When Ethan entered, she shuttered all the emotion on her face. If not, she would break down and cry, right then and there.
“Do you have a minute to spare?” he asked. Before walking in, he had heard the laughter and now, it was gone. Ethan honestly believed that he was a giant vacuum, sucking the life out of the people he loved.
He was their Achilles heel.
She stared at him and tried not to bawl. Today, he was wearing the pocket square that she had given him two Christmases ago. Still, he had yet to break out the matching tie. Even without it, God, he looked so handsome, and Elizabeth almost wanted to run to him and wrap herself around his body.
Consumed by Wrath: An FBI/Romance Thriller (An FBI/Romance Thriller ~ Book 8) Page 4