by A. E. Murphy
“GO INSIDE NOW!” He bellows at her so loudly even I cringe.
I hear her grumbling stop but she doesn’t go back until Liz demands, “Now, Rebecca. This isn’t any of your business.”
Rebecca retreats, looking wounded, but I don’t stop. I’m on the verge of a panic attack. This shouldn’t be happening. I prepared myself for everything but this.
“Wait,” Lockhart begs, his tone softening now. He catches up to me and snatches me from behind, his arms around my middle, just below my breasts. “I just want to talk. You need to understand.”
I scoff, yanking against him, hating that he’s physically stronger than me. “I don’t need to understand anything. Get off me.”
“She just showed up out of the blue. Somebody should call the Police,” Rebecca calls and I know she’s talking to whomever else is at the door, feigning concern for her safety. I daren’t look back. This is mortifying. I’m also terrified that if I do look back at her as she slags me off to a family I thought one day I’d be part of, I might actually go over there and kill her.
“Go back inside, Rebecca!” Liz and Lockhart snarl at the girl at the same time. I’m surprised when she does as she’s told.
“Let me go,” I beg, scratching at his wrists, hating the feel of my back against his chest as he keeps me captive. He’s likely been bedding that vile bitch all morning and now he’s touching me. “Let me go! Don’t you think I’ve been humiliated enough?”
“Good Lord, Tobias! You stop manhandling her right now,” Liz yells at her son as she grips his arm from the side.
“Stay out of this,” he snaps at her, holding me tighter as I thrash against him, begging him to just let me go. Why won’t he let me go?
“Tobias, let her go. She’s delicate,” Liz says calmly this time, her worried eyes scanning my face. I stop struggling because she’s right. I didn’t realise she’d noticed. Lockhart hasn’t. She’s very perceptive.
“I know what she can handle,” he bites out. “Just go, Mum. We need to talk in private.”
“I don’t want to. Christ, just let me go,” I plead, pushing at his hands, panting like I’ve just run a marathon. Unfortunately, as I’m pushing his hands away, he loosens his grip and I push it right over the curve of my bump.
We both freeze, he with his chest tight to my back, his cheek at my temple, me still gripping the wrists of the hands now holding my growing bump with such tenderness.
“Tobias, you need to let her go,” Liz says again, taking my hand in hers after prying it from his wrist.
He doesn’t; he just holds my stomach, frozen in time. His warm breath tickles the hair at my temples when he asks, his voice raspy, “You didn’t terminate…”
“I didn’t have a choice,” I admit because I don’t want them thinking I’ve martyred myself. Had the option been available, I wouldn’t be in this condition.
“They didn’t give you the option?”
“They did, I was just…” Do I say it? I don’t know if I should say it. It would be easier if he believed the child to be Thatcher’s, especially considering the new circumstances. I can’t have that bitch as a stepmother to my child, but on the other hand I just can’t lie anymore. It’s not good for my recovery and I’m focused on getting better, not worse. I can’t stomach all of the deceit. “I was already too far along.”
“What does that mean?” He asks, sounding surprisingly hopeful.
“It means I was already pregnant the night of the…” I try to tug free again but he doesn’t allow it. “That night…I was already pregnant that night; I just didn’t know.”
“Oh my goodness,” Liz cries, her free hand touching her lips as her eyes fill with tears. “Am I going to be a grandmother again?”
When I nod, she rips me from her son’s arms and holds me so tightly I can hardly breathe. It’s surprisingly nice. She smells like lavender and it makes me feel warm inside. I wish it were my mum hugging me, though. I miss her. “This is the greatest news we’ve had for years. I never thought it would happen. Especially not with Tobias.”
“Mum,” Tobias says softly, “can I please have a word with Cerise, alone?”
Liz wipes her eyes after reluctantly letting me go and places both hands on my bump. “And…” She wipes her eyes again, “I can be in their life?”
“Of course. It’s not a weapon I’d keep to hurt you all, regardless of the circumstances.”
She smiles brightly and Lockhart asks cautiously, “How far along are you?”
“Around five months, give or take a week or two. I’ve not really been counting.” I admit sheepishly.
“Do you know the sex?” Liz squawks, sounding so ecstatic it overwhelms all of the hatred I feel towards her son right now.
“Do you want to know?” I ask him, but what I’m really asking is, “Do you care?”
“Of course,” he replies, looking offended, and finally releasing me now he’s satisfied I won’t run.
I swallow the lump in my throat and reveal, “She’s a girl.”
Lockhart makes a choking sound and turns away from us as Liz pulls me in for another hug, this one even tighter than before. “I’m so happy!”
“Mother,” he says so softly and quietly I hardly hear him. “Please.”
“I’m calling you. We’re going shopping. I’m making you a cake… you’re not alone, sweet girl.” Liz tells me and cups my cheeks with her hands, shining so much love at me through her eyes. “You were never alone.” With that she hobbles back inside, still wiping her eyes and sniffling.
I watch her go while an awkward silence between Lockhart and I stretches time.
“I’m going to be a dad,” he mutters finally and I’m surprised to see a smile tugging at his eyes and lips.
“Now you know,” I snap, folding my arms over my chest. “I’ve done my duty; I’m going.”
“You’re not going. Stay and celebrate with my mother. I’ll take Rebecca home and come back. We really need to talk.”
“Home,” I laugh coldly. “You’ll take her home while your ex whore and bastard child celebrate with your family?” Then I spit, “What the fuck is wrong with you, Lockhart?”
“I’m doing the best I can. It’s complicated.”
“I’m making it less complicated for you,” I say bitterly. “I’ll call you when I’ve popped her out, or whatever.”
“If you think I’m not being a part of this, you’re fucking insane.”
We both wince at the use of that word but I don’t say anything. I let it slide because I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way.
“You don’t have a choice. I literally never want to see you again.” I let a tear fall to my jaw. The cold air dries it quickly but then another takes the same road.
“You don’t understand…”
“No, you don’t understand,” I snarl, prodding him in the chest. “I spent weeks thinking you hated me, then more weeks thinking you were embarrassed that my rape had been caught on camera. I was so fucked up.”
“Cer…”
“So fucked up. Like epic level of head fuckery! I just found out yesterday that you called every single day. I had hope that we might be able to work things out, you know? I genuinely believed that things for once would actually be okay and despite everything we’d be able to have a fresh start.”
His lips thin to a white line and I know my words are sinking in, hitting their mark.
“But coming to this… I can’t forgive you for this. You couldn’t have waited for a few months before fucking somebody else? And you claim to love me?” I laugh harshly. “And you expect me to want you around? I can’t stand to look at you right now. You’re going to ruin everything I’ve worked for.”
“I told you I haven’t fucked her,” he says carefully. “I’m not fucking anyone. We’re just…”
“I don’t care, Tobias. I don’t bloody care! I hope you two are happy together, but just know this - she isn’t going anywhere near my child, not because I hate her guts, but beca
use she…” I can’t say it. I’m trying but the words won’t come out. This is pointless. I just sound like a petty ex using her kid as a weapon. This isn’t who I want to be. We have time to address these issues in a more stable setting. “I’m going.”
“Let me take you home, please. It’s the least I can do. How did you get here?”
“I am not your problem anymore,” I hiss.
“Like hell you aren’t.” He grabs my biceps so suddenly I yelp, then he yanks my body into his. “You are mine.” He prods the space over my heart. “This is mine.” He caresses my stomach. “This too is mine.” Then he pushes his lips onto mine. “These are mine. You are mine.”
“You sound like a fucking seagull off Finding Nemo. Get your shit together. You have a bloody girlfriend in your parent’s house!” I shove him back a step, pressing my fingers to ease the tingling in my lips from the connection we just shared. “Now get off me before I lose it. I can’t afford to lose it.”
“I love you,” he states desperately, standing in my line of sight. “There’s no denying that fact. You know that.”
“Then you made the wrong choice in that whore.” I place my hand over his mouth to shut him up before he starts. “Stop! For once in your life, let me fucking go.”
“I did that once already. Biggest mistake of my life.”
“And the biggest mistake of mine was coming here today. I should have stayed in rehab.”
He releases me, his eyes emitting no small amount of pain. “Can we talk? Not today, I’ll give you space, but soon?”
“I’ll send you the number of my solicitor,” I snap, thinking of the epic custody battle I’m probably going to lose. “I came back with the plan to get rid of all negative influences in my life. You are now officially one of them.”
“You don’t mean that…”
I pull my phone from my pocket and hesitate before turning it on for the first time since all of this began nearly three months ago.
“Let me drive you.” When he sees my angry look he suggests, “Let me get my mum or brother to take you.” I’m about to protest when he adds, “It’ll be safer and easier. Okay? Please. Do this one last thing for me.”
“Okay.” I close the app on my phone and rub my arms as the chill starts to sink into my bones. “But just a ride.”
“I’ll get my keys…”
“Off your mum or brother!” I snap. “Not from you. It’s like you aren’t listening to anything I’m saying.”
“If I leave to fetch one of them, are you going to run?” When I glare at him he raises his hands defensively, as though trying to calm a feral animal. “I’ll be just a minute.”
As he’s walking away I snap, unable to contain it anymore, “Rebecca? Really, Lockhart? I thought you had good taste.”
He doesn’t respond, moving towards his parents’ house, his muscular and powerful legs carrying him there in no time at all. Lockhart has always held himself with such an air of confidence. I always envied how he moved so fluidly, his athletic body so graceful.
I wonder if our daughter will inherit his confidence and poise. I hope so. I just hope she doesn’t inherit his defiance and bossy attitude.
This is such a clusterfuck of a situation.
I wait, hugging myself still for comfort and for warmth.
It’s not long before he’s strolling back outside with his brother Drake, who smiles handsomely at me. They look so much alike. Their body shape, their hair, their eyes… except Drake looks older and has thinner lips. Both of them are so handsome.
“Mum wanted to take you,” Tobias says, stopping before me.
“But she’s still sobbing with happiness and likely planning an entire birthing ceremony for you,” Drake chuckles. I should be upset that the news is already spreading, but I have bigger things to worry about and with how big I’m getting it won’t take long anyway. “She’s not fit to drive and I was already on my way out anyway.”
“Take care of her,” Tobias demands and his brother rolls his eyes. “I’m serious, Drake.”
“I have her,” Drake sighs, smirking while tucking me under his arm. I tense at the contact because, for one, I’m not used to it, and two, I’m not a hugger of people I don’t know. Especially attractive older brothers of my ex-whatever-he-was.
I’ll just call him the baby planter from now on.
Tobias stares his brother down and then looks at me with regret in his eyes.
I look away because I don’t want to feel sorry for him.
“We’ll be fine,” Drake chuckles and leans into me. “He’s just scared you’ll see sense and choose the older, better looking brother.” When Tobias makes a growling noise it only makes Drake laugh harder as he leads me to his expensive car.
Just like Tobias, he opens the car door for me and closes it behind me.
I buckle my belt and keep my eyes on the console as Drake and Tobias exchange final words.
“So,” Drake smiles, putting the car into gear. “Congratulations on the bundle of Satan in your womb.”
This has me smiling. “I’m pretty sure Tobias is worse than Satan.”
He laughs and nods his agreement. “He has his moments.”
“Well, he has the perfect partner for it.”
“Rebecca?” Drake laughs so boldly he snorts a little. “She’s vile.”
“Yup.”
“He puts on this act, acts all loved up but…”
I raise my hand. “I can’t hear this.”
“He can’t stand her. My mum and I have been discussing it privately; it makes no sense to us.”
“Whatever it is, I don’t want to know. He’s made his choice; I’m making mine.”
He prods my leg playfully. “He loves you; I know that much. Actually, he adores you. Like I’ve never seen with anybody else, except for Eliza as she was growing, but that doesn’t count.”
“This isn’t helping,” I grumble, frowning at him. “Seriously.”
“I’ve never seen my brother cry before the day he showed up on my mother’s doorstep covered in blood.”
Breathe. Just breathe.
“You should talk to him.”
“He might find that hard with Rebecca’s tongue down his throat,” I grumble, making him laugh again. “Can we please change the subject now?”
“Do you have a name?”
I shake my head and change the subject again. “Do you know where we’re going? You know where I live?”
“Tobias messaged me your address.”
Well at least there’s that. “I’m sorry you’re having to take me so far.”
“That’s okay; I don’t mind. I was going to London anyway. You just delayed my plans a little.” He places his hand on mine. “When you were at the doorstep I figured I’d better stick around. I’m glad I did, especially when Mum came in sobbing.” He rolls his eyes but I can hear the love for her in his voice. “She’s been desperate for another grandchild.”
At this I smile.
“And we all really like you,” He continues softly. “The few times you’ve visited my parents, they’ve sung your praises, said you don’t put up with Tobias’ shit.”
“He certainly gives shit.”
“That he does. You’re the first girl he’s brought home and introduced as his partner.”
I laugh but it’s as bland as the taste in my mouth. “He’s an ass. We weren’t even together then. Not really.”
“Oh, you were. If my brother says something’s his, it’s his. He never was good at sharing.”
I watch the scenery blur by, not finding comfort in talking about Tobias Lockhart. He’s not mine anymore. He took another woman home to his family. He’s sitting with her right now, holding her hand, kissing her neck.
“Nobody likes her. She’s vile, so shallow and creepy.”
I shrug. “The only person that needs to like her is Tobias.”
Sensing my need to move on, he turns up the radio just enough to disturb the awkward silence. Part of me wishe
s I’d accepted a ride from Tobias, just so I can be in his company and he in mine instead of Rebecca’s. Also, so I can yell at him to help relieve the pressure in my chest.
I feel like there are so many things that have been left unsaid, but I also feel like he doesn’t deserve them. The good nor the bad.
After what I did to him, treating him the way I did and then putting him in a position where he had to save me, giving him memories that will haunt him forever, he deserves so much more than that.
“Can you just… can you tell him that I’m not mad at him for… and that I’m sorry for putting him through all of that?”
“Nope.” Drake grins. “You can call him and tell him yourself.”
“Savage.”
Being the gentleman that he is, he takes me to eat at a really quiet but nice restaurant on the way back to my apartment. He doesn’t talk about Tobias again but he does invite me to Eliza’s birthday lunch next week, which I decline.
That’s just an awkward gathering waiting to happen.
We discuss my music and he asks me if I’m going back to it. I definitely am but I’m making a few changes, things I don’t tell him because he’s the boss, the enemy’s brother, and I need time to get my ducks in a row.
Drake walks me up to my apartment, carrying my handbag for me as though it’s the heaviest object in the world. He’s funny, a lot less tense than Tobias, less inclined to care if he’s caught in a less than stellar situation, like carrying a woman’s handbag and crying at its weight.
He asks me if I need moral support and although I am desperate for it, I decline and he leaves me with a tight hug, making me promise to keep in touch.
A promise I’ll do my best to keep.
Was my front door always green?
I turn my key in the lock and count down from six. I don’t know why six. It just feels like a good number.
Six…
Five…
Four…
Three…
I open the door prematurely and step into my apartment.
Though I’m not entirely sure it is my apartment anymore. It looks more like a bachelor pad. We have a brand new reclining sofa, a huge TV on the wall and three different game consoles all built into the actual wall. The kitchen has been renovated into a more modern style and it is all squeaky clean. I spy inspirational quotes on the sage green walls, some lyrics from songs I wrote.