by Jay, Libby
He frowned at me.
“I don’t know if I won. Did I win?”
Fraser smiled. “Yeah you won, but only by one hundredth of a second.”
I smiled as I closed my eyes. “But I still won.”
*****
My father didn’t see me turn 18. He died two weeks before my birthday. Mum and I were both at his side; we didn’t leave the hospital the last two days.
When we finally did leave, the Lewis’ took us back to their house. While Mrs. Lewis and Mum made all the funeral arrangements, Fraser made sure I ate and slept. He wouldn’t let me run, but I begged him not to take away my swimming. That was the only time I could empty my mind and feel calm. He limited my swims to twenty minutes a day and he sat poolside while I swam in the evenings.
I found out that Fraser also had a very strict exercising schedule, he ran every morning at 5:30 and three days a week his personal trainer came to his townhouse to do a weights session before he went to work.
Fraser and I had seen each other every day since I’d come home from hospital. But he was still very platonic in the way he treated me. He hugged me and kissed my cheek at times, but there was definitely no attempt to take it any further than that.
I cancelled my plans for a big birthday, instead Fraser flew Kat down from Sydney and we - Mum, Mr. and Mrs. Lewis, Fraser, John and Aunty Bree and I went out for dinner together. I had insisted on no presents, but of course no one listened to my request. Kat bought me a new Gucci hand bag and purse, Mr. and Mrs. Lewis bought me a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, Mum got a voucher for me and a friend to have a pamper day at the spa, John gave me a gift voucher for a local liquor store, Aunty Bree gave me a sarong and beach bag and Fraser bought me a wide band white gold ring with the word ‘Probitas’ engraved on the inside of it.
“What does Probitas mean?” Mum asked.
“Honesty,” I answered, smiling across at Fraser.
But it was when Mum handed me a final gift that I really turned on the tears. The card on top of the box read, ‘There was no greater pleasure in life than calling you my daughter. Happy birthday, my beautiful girl, love Dad.
I sobbed as I read the card again and again.
“I can’t open it,” I said to Mum, wiping the tears from my eyes.
She was crying too. “Open it,” she encouraged me.
I took a few deep breaths and lifted the lid on the box. Inside, sitting on a pile of red tissue paper was a key, a key to a BMW.
“No,” I said. Next to the key was another small note. ‘In my eyes you’ve already made it.’
As a teenager, I always said to Dad that he’d know when I’d made the big time when I drove a BMW.
“This is too much,” I said, tears flowing freely down my face.
“Your father picked out the car himself. He wanted to make sure you were safe,” Mum said.
“This is too much, thank you. Thank you everyone.” I made my way around the table kissing and hugging my friends and family.
Most girls would go out partying on their eighteenth birthday. But I didn’t. I didn’t really feel that I had anything to celebrate. I lay in bed, Kat sleeping next to me and listened to the silence of the house. In the silence, I could hear Dad’s voice. All the times he said how proud of me he was. All the times I overheard him bragging to his friends that I’d won this race or was state champion for my age in that event.
Tears slowly seeped from the corners of my eyes and fell down on my pillow. I didn’t want to be alone. I quietly got out of bed and snuck down the hallway into Fraser’s room.
As soon as his door opened he rolled over in his bed. “Is everything okay?” he asked, slowly sitting up in bed.
“Yeah, I just…I just need you,” I said, going to his bed and climbing in under the covers next to him.
“Ahh, Emily? Umm…” he started as he slowly moved away from me.
I ignored him and moved across the bed to him, resting my head against his shoulder and wrapping my arm around his bare chest. “I want you to hold me.”
He hesitated for a moment before he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly against him. We lay like that for ages, my tears eventually coming to a stop and my emptiness ebbing away.
It felt so natural, lying in bed with Fraser. It felt like we’d been doing it for years. We fit together perfectly. I felt no awkwardness at all and Fraser seemed to relax into the embrace also.
I wondered then why he’d never tried to kiss me. Not being one to hold back, I asked him.
“Why haven’t you kissed me?”
“What?” he laughed.
“I’m eighteen years old Fraser and I’ve still not been kissed. All of my friends are having sex and I’m still waiting for my first kiss.”
“I’m not going to kiss you.”
“Why not?”
“Because, I want it to be special and spontaneous and you have to be back in your healthy weight range.”
“What?”
“You need to be back in the healthy weight range before I kiss you. I’ve already told you, I’m done with skinny girls.”
“That’s not fair,” I said.
“Life is not fair sometimes.” He slowly ran his hand up and down my back.
I looked into the darkness of his room. “I feel completely empty,” I said quietly. “My dad was so selfless. He was dying but he was still thinking about me. I wish I could be like him.” I shifted my body against Fraser’s wrapping one of my legs around his. “My dad died after a long battle with cancer and all I can think about is that the man who I’m going to marry won’t kiss me.”
I felt Fraser’s body move as he laughed quietly.
“That was your cue to kiss me Fraser.”
“I’m not going to kiss you until…”
“Fine.” I sat up and tried to move away from him.
He gripped onto my hand and pulled me back onto him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight against his body. “Stay with me tonight,” he said quietly as I stopped writhing against his hold.
“Are you sure? I’d hate for you to get splinters.”
He laughed. “Yes I’m sure.” He held me tight again. “Stay.”
We slowly moved until we were comfortable lying together. Our legs and arms entwined I found all my dread melting away as he held me.
“Oh, and Emily, the next time you try to seduce me, try wearing a little less clothing, pyjamas really don’t do it for me.” He kissed the top of my head.
“Well, maybe you should wear more clothing. Firm pecs and a six pack do nothing for me.”
He laughed and squeezed me tightly. “I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.”
I smiled into his chest. How could I not have felt better?
Chapter Nine
Sleeping with Fraser became a habit. If I didn’t sneak into his room he snuck into mine. But he still wouldn’t kiss me. I weighed myself every day; very slowly my weight was increasing, but I knew it’d be a while
before I was back at my healthy weight.
Mum was meeting with Fraser and her lawyers fairly often. I didn’t ask what the meetings were about; I assumed they were about my father’s business and Fraser’s proposal to buy his company. When I asked Fraser if my mum was going to be okay financially, he nodded.
“I’ll make sure she’s looked after.”
I started thinking about my own future. I knew that while I lived with Fraser and was married to him I’d be financially secure. And if things came to an end after the ten years, my “payout” would be more than enough to keep me alive until I died.
But I needed to have a fallback plan. I needed to be my own person still. Fraser had made a few passing comments about not worrying about going to university, “Why stress yourself out over exams and degrees when your future is secure?” was his most recent comment.
But there was still a certain degree of insecurity. I couldn’t ignore it. I had promised to be honest to Fraser and talk to him about my f
eelings and worries.
I finished off my last few laps in the pool, thinking about the best way to approach him before I lifted myself up out of the water.
He was tapping out a text or email on his phone.
“Feel better?” he asked.
“Yeah, thanks.” I wiped the water off my face with the towel. “Can we talk?” I asked sitting down next to him, wrapping the towel around my shoulders.
“Of course,” he said putting his phone down.
“I’ve just been thinking…”
His phone rang next to him. He looked down at it and sighed.
“Take it,” I said.
“I’ll be one minute, don’t move.” He stood up and put his phone to his ear. I listened to one side of the conversation. “What’s going on?….Do you think I give a shit that his kid’s sick? That proposal was supposed to be on my desk by midday. It’s now after eight…” My stomach knotted at his tone; harsh, brutal and ruthless. “The deal is off. If he’s still interested in doing business with me, we can renegotiate the terms. But my second offer will not be as generous as my first.” He laughed. “His wife can sell her body on the streets for all I care. The deal is off.” He ended the call.
My mouth was dry and my heart beat quickly. He turned around and looked at me. “You wanted to talk?” His tone had softened and he sat down next to me again.
“You’ve got other things to worry about. It can wait.”
He put his hand in mine. “Tell me. What did you want to talk about?”
I took a deep breath. “You scare me sometimes, Fraser.” I said quietly.
“What?” He frowned at me. “That?” He lifted his phone. “That’s business, Emily. I’ve never spoken to you like that.”
“I know, but it scares me that you might.”
He smiled mischievously. “Just make sure you never give me reason too.”
“But that’s the thing, I don’t know what not to do so that…”
“Em,” he stopped me. “You could never do anything to make me speak to you like that. I’m very different when I’m doing business. But you’re not my work. You’re my pleasure.”
“Not yet I’m not,” I said rolling my eyes.
Fraser laughed. “Yes you are.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “I love being with you. You keep me grounded.” He kissed my head. “Is that what you wanted to talk about?”
I shook my head. “I wanted to talk to you about my future.”
“What about it?” I felt his body tense.
“I need to think seriously about my future.”
“But…we’re…I’ll always…”
I interrupted him. “What would happen to me if you died tomorrow?” I looked up at him. He shook his head. “I’d just go home wouldn’t I? I’d go back to Mum. And everything we had would be gone.”
He nodded his head.
“If you were to die in a year, after I’d put my life on hold to fulfil my contractual obligations, where would that leave me?”
He shook his head, again.
“I can’t rely on you to secure my future because you might not always be here. I want to go to uni. I want to be a doctor. I haven’t decided yet what field I want to specialise in, but…” I twisted my fingers together in my lap not really convinced with what I was saying. “I know I have obligations to you. I’ll still give you your children and…”
“Em, it’s okay,” he stopped me by putting his hand in mine. “You should follow your dreams.” His voice sounded broken.
“Fraser, I can’t rely on you to always give me the security I need. You understand that don’t you?”
He looked down at me, his eyes intense with an emotion I couldn’t interpret. Then his eyes narrowed as he opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped.
“You’ve invested to secure your future, haven’t you?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“I need to do the same.”
He nodded and stood up. “I have work to do.” He walked toward the exit of the indoor swimming pool.
I hated that look. It terrified me. “Fraser,” I called out after him. He turned and looked at me. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”
“I want for you to be happy, Emily.” He opened the door and disappeared through it.
Fraser was absent from dinner that night, he wasn’t in bed when I snuck into his room and I didn’t see him again until the following morning. He appeared in the kitchen as I sat down to eat breakfast. He wore a dark navy suit; he looked so handsome in a suit.
“Good morning,” I smiled at him.
“Good morning.” He pulled the milk from the fridge and poured himself a large glass.
“That’s hardly a sustaining breakfast,” I said before I shovelled a spoon full of cereal into my mouth.
He narrowed his eyes at me. I swallowed my cereal and looked down.
“I have to go to Sydney for a few days,” he said. “You’re welcome to stay here, Mum enjoys your company but if you’d be more comfortable with your own mother, you can go home with her.”
I looked up at him. “I’ll go home and spend some time with Mum and John.”
He stood at the opposite end of the bench from me his eyes fixed on mine. “You’ll eat while I’m away, won’t you.”
“Yes, I will,” I said.
“I’ll be back on Friday.” He took a banana from the fruit bowl and left.
Mum and I settled down on the couch for a Hugh Jackman movie marathon. My phone beeped notifying me of a text message. It was Fraser and simply read:
Check your emails.
I sighed and got up to fetch my laptop.
From: Fraser Lewis
To: Emily Watkins
Sent: Tuesday 11th December, 2018 21:15
RE: Your Security
Emily,
Please read the attached document. We’ll discuss any concerns on Friday.
Fraser.
“What’s wrong?” Mum said as I opened the document.
“It’s from Fraser, strictly business Fraser.”
“You’re not still scared of him, are you?”
I nodded my head.
“Oh, but honey. You get on so well together. He’s a real sweetheart.”
“I know, but he still scares me.”
I read down the first few lines of the document. It was a proposal from Fraser regarding a new contract. It was very formal. “He wants to renegotiate our contract,” I said as I scanned down the document.
“How so?” Mum asked, her voice higher than normal.
“I don’t know,” I closed my lap top. “But it can wait, Hugh Jackman is about to take his shirt off.”
I pulled my laptop into bed with me and read Fraser’s new proposal. Then I read it again and a third time.
I hit the reply button.
From: Emily Watkins
To: Fraser Lewis
Sent: Wednesday 12th December, 2018 00:56
RE: Your Proposal
Fraser,
I have read the contract three times now and the only differences I can see is that you propose a payout if you are unable to fulfil the terms of the contract, (ie; death, illness, injury) based on a percentage of the total amount that would’ve been owed to me had we wed. You have also proposed we bring the wedding forward and extend the marriage to a fifteen year arrangement, rather than ten, and that if you are unable to fulfil those terms, (ie; death, illness, injury) I would again receive a percentage based on the total amount owed to me. I don’t understand why you would chose to extend the marriage. Could you give me some insight as to what your motives are behind this proposal? And I mean that in the nicest way possible.
Emily.
P.S. Sorry I didn’t reply to your email earlier, but Hugh Jackman
kept taking off his shirt.
I rested back against my pillow and waited to see if Fraser would reply.
From: Fraser Lewis
To: Emily Watkins
Sent: Wed
nesday 12th December, 2018 01:13
RE: Bloody Hugh Jackman….
….he always gets in the way of my business proposals!!
Can we talk on Friday? I think this is something we need to discuss face to face.
Fraser.
Business proposal? That’s all this is to him? I sighed loudly. Of course it’s a business proposal. That’s all I am to him, a business partner. A pain shot through my chest and sat heavily in my stomach. I took a deep breath and refocused. I’d become too caught up in being friends with Fraser I’d lost sight of the real reason I was there. I was there to bring financial gain to him. He’d gain a lot by owning my father’s business. And since the death of my father he’d begin benefiting sooner than predicted.
I quickly typed a reply to Fraser that we’d speak on Friday and then went down the hallway to where my mum sat in bed reading.
“Can we chat?” I asked.
“Of course honey.”
I climbed into bed, where Dad used to sleep and crossed my legs in front of me. “Mum, has Fraser already bought Dad’s business from you?”
Mum nodded. “It’ll be finalised in a few weeks, but yes he’s made an offer that I’ve accepted.”
“Was it a good offer?”
“It was very generous. I could live debt free till I’m a hundred years old, and still have a surplus.”
“Fraser and I aren’t even dating, why the sudden rush to finalise this deal?”
Mum closed her eyes and let go of her breath.
“Mum, what aren’t you telling me?”
Mum reached out and took my hand. “Fraser has purchased your father’s business, but rather than building it up and selling it again for a profit, he’s going to liquidate it.”
“Why? It doesn’t make any sense to do that.” I looked at my mother for answers but she remained silent. “Why go through with the marriage contract if he’s already made a deal with you? I don’t understand why he’s doing any of this.” I sighed. “This arrangement is becoming very complicated.”
“It’s actually very simple honey. I think this arrangement stopped being an arrangement a long time ago. I think, and I’m only going by what I’ve seen and heard, but I think that Fraser really likes you, he may even love you.”
I raised one eyebrow in mock horror. “Mum, he hasn’t even kissed me yet. He’s not in love with me.”