by S. Moose
My heart shatters when I remember the look of disgust on her face. When I came downstairs, she turned around and her once-rosy cheeks were as pale as a ghosts. She looked upset and lashed out at me. When she left me downstairs, I couldn’t move. At that moment nothing seemed to matter. The secrets I kept from her were destroying me. Destroying us.
“You miss her.” I look up and see my mother standing before me. She takes the frame from my hand and looks at it lovingly. “I remember all the stories you used to tell me about her. I remember how you would pray every night for God to watch her, and then you changed Ayden. You allowed hate into your heart.”
“She got married, mother. I stood in the back of the church and heard them promise their love to each other. What was I supposed to do? ”
“I get it, Ayden. Deep inside you know she moved on because she thought you were dead. You had her back; did your plan work?” I don’t respond. “You need to give her space. She’s going to understand, but forcing her to love you when you’ve taken away a piece of her is not fair.” I nod, showing her I understand what she’s saying. Camila has no reason to want to come back to me. She has every right to hate me, but I’m still a boy waiting for his best friend to come back and tell that him she loves him. I’m waiting for the moment when we’re going to see a forever. I need her to understand me and I need to understand her.
“Mother, I understand what you’re saying. There are still too many unanswered questions.”
“Are there? Do you truly believe in your heart of hearts that she left you alone that night?” I don’t answer. “Think about it, Ayden. You are my son and I love you dearly, but right now you’re a stranger to me and everyone else, especially to yourself. Think about it.”
Not willing to admit she’s right, I turn away and get back to what I was doing. I need to refocus and remember the importance of my company. If I lose this company I’ll truly be a man without anything.
Heading back to my office, Bev’s sitting on my desk, tapping her fingers against the wood.
She’s been my best friend since I started middle school in Atlanta. When my parents died, I was adopted by Deb and Winslow, and we moved to Atlanta. It was hard fitting in with people since I didn’t grow up with them, but when I met Beverly, Bev for short, and Dylan things got better.
Meeting them led me to Camila.
The four of us were inseparable. Bev and Camila came from rich families and chose to attend public schools. They didn’t want to be part of the private school, and they were popular. Every guy in school wanted them, but they chose us.
Dylan and I were from the same side of the tracks. We weren’t dirt poor, but we didn’t have money and flashy things. His parents worked at the factory, and at night his dad cleaned offices. My foster parents made enough to get by. Unfortunately Winslow used the money to buy drugs and alcohol.
When they died, Dylan’s parents took me in and soon we got jobs at the grocery store and the car wash. Between the two jobs, we made money and saved it for our girlfriends. It didn’t matter to them what we had or didn’t have. Bev and Camila loved us regardless of our social status.
“What do I owe this lovely pleasure?”
“Oh, Ayden. Wow, you look like shit. Did you even shower?” I ignore her comments and get back to work, pushing her legs out of my work space. “Honestly, have you looked at yourself lately?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Well,” she pauses, “I’ve been consoling my best friend because of her jackass baby daddy.” She gives me a pointed look. “I don’t know what happened to you. I don’t like it though. You still have all these secrets kept inside, and it’s a joke. You used to be so in love with her and would move Heaven and Hell just to see her smile.”
“I still would.”
“Bullshit,” she scoffs, “you were so smart before, and now I don’t know who you are. Besides Camila’s baby daddy.”
“Baby daddy?”
“Yes, Ayden. You are her baby daddy. You’re also an ex, but I like the other name better. Do you know she won’t even spend a night in the townhouse you got for her?”
I cringe thinking about the night I told her about the townhouse and how she didn’t – doesn’t – need me to do anything for her. A week after the incident in the basement, she agreed to talk to me about Grayson. After arguing for an hour, she caved in and I set up her townhouse and furniture. We planned the arrangement with Grayson and sharing custody without involving the courts.
“You took a piece of her, and now you’re leaving her in the dark.”
“She won’t talk to me, and we fight. I don’t want to cause her any more stress. I don’t have to defend myself to you.”
“But you owe it to her to give her the answers she’s looking for. And I’m telling you this because I love you both. If you lose her, I mean really lose her, you’re never going to know who you are.”
Looking out the window, I hold a glass of scotch in one hand, listening to her favorite song, Say You Love Me, by Jessie Ware. The lyrics are loud, talking about admitting your feelings and trying. The song’s been on repeat since I sat down. Bringing the glass to my lips, I take a slow sip and let the liquid burn down my throat. The dark amber liquid is what’s keeping me from losing my cool and stomping over to Bev’s house to talk to her. Drinking as much as I have in the last two hours has fucked with my head. Clearly I’m going crazy because I hear her and smell her everywhere.
I wince thinking about her, thinking about how she should be here with me. I continue drinking and bringing myself to where I belong. The shadows of my past are stronger than before, taking me back to the place where things were happy and there was nothing wrong between us. Grabbing my phone, I call her but it goes straight to voicemail. I call her five more times before leaving a message.
“Camila, I…”
I can’t finish the message so I hang up. Finishing my drink I try again and this time she answers.
“Ayden,” her cold voice resonates through me. “What do you want?”
Fuck, to hear the sound of her voice, It’s a sound I relish. “I want to know how you’re doing.”
“I’m trying to put Grayson to sleep. He’s crying and not sleeping very well. Is there a reason for your call?”
“Is he okay?”
“Yes,” she mutters. I hear movement in the background and Grayson crying. My heart hurts hearing my son and not being able to help him. “Really I have to go.”
“Can I come over and help?”
“No. Don’t come over. It’s fine. He only just started crying so he’ll be fine. Is that all?”
“I wanted to hear your voice and to ask you if you could meet me in my office.”
There’s a pause and a glimmer of hope. “I can’t.” And she takes that hope away. “Bye, Ayden.”
When the call disconnects I immediately dial her again, but the call goes to voicemail.
Hi! You’ve reached Cam. Sorry I missed your call, but please leave me your name, number and a brief message and I’ll return your call as soon as I can. Thanks and have a great day.
“Every time there’s a bump in the road you run away. I want you to stop running and talk to me. I miss you. I miss Grayson. I want you both here with me.”
I hang up and drink the rest of the scotch.
Cam
I LISTEN TO HIS MESSAGE a few times before internally yelling at myself for almost believing his words. He sounds broken and sad. I hate that we’re apart. There are so many reasons why I need to stay away from him. Yet those reasons don’t matter because the one reason I should go back trumps all the cons. Love isn’t perfect and there will be ups and downs. I look at my friends and see how happy they are. Sometimes I wish I could have that. But they aren’t Ayden and me. We have a lot of rebuilding to do.
It’s not easy to forget what he’s done to me, what he’s kept from me. So how can I?
I’m back in the townhouse Ayden has for Grayson and me. We’re on my bed as
I watch him sleep. It’s been a hard night with him. I didn’t want to tell Ayden about Grayson. For the past two nights, he’s cried to the point of exhaustion, and I don’t know what’s wrong. Usually he’ll stay in my arms, drink his bottle, and we’ll listen to music. Within minutes, he’s out until the next day.
It kills me to hear him cry like this. There’s nothing I can do except comfort him and love him. His temperature is fine, and he’s not showing signs of distress. Leaving him on the bed, I take a step back and close my eyes, taking in a slow and deep breath. Something is wrong, and I need to be patient with him. Grayson can’t talk. I’m his mom so I need to be strong for him. I repeat this mantra a few times and feel the weight of stress lift from my body. Slowly walking to my crying, sweet boy, I pick him up and let his head rest on my shoulder. Rubbing his back in soft, small circles, his cries soften, and soon he’s fast asleep. Placing him back down on my bed, I watch him sleep and thank God he’s okay.
Being a mom is everything I want and so much more. My little man is all I need in this world, even though my heart still beats for his daddy.
Picking up my phone to check my email, I don’t see anything worth opening, but my phone vibrates, and a text message comes in.
Ayden: You once told me I made your skin burn by my touch. I remember how you used to love fucking me and wanting me in every way. Is that still true?
I ignore his text and open my game of Candy Crush. After an hour, I’m bored and check my text messages again. I have five waiting for me from Ayden.
Ayden: Text me back…
Ayden: I want to make things right and make us feel good
Ayden: You’re going to have to talk to me sooner or later
Ayden: Text me back…
Ayden: We will be talking soon
Putting away my phone, I slowly creep off my bed and put up the railings since I don’t want to move Grayson from his spot. I need a bath and to relax.
Taking the baby monitor with me to the bathroom, I turn on the water and pour lavender salt in the tub. Slowly sinking in, I let the hot water fill and instantly feel my muscles relax. My stress, which is all Ayden, lowers as I focus on my breathing. Ayden’s been my downfall since we met. I knew the instant he smiled at me that I was going to marry him. Seems like life has other plans though.
It’s not easy to avoid him since I live five minutes away. Even though I miss him and think about him all the time, I can’t allow him to come back to my life. He’s too damaged and too deceptive. We’re not healthy together and struggle to find our happy place. A piece of Grayson’s life will always be missing from my memory, and it’s because of Ayden. He’s stolen that piece from me, and I can’t forgive him. He got to hold Patrick and watch him take his final breath. I hate him for the man he is and the man he’s showing me. This isn’t the Ayden I know. The Ayden I love wouldn’t treat me like this.
They say the hardest things are the best things, so I’m doing what’s best for myself and staying far away.
But why do I still think about him and the way he makes my body flame?
Lowering my hand down to my clit, I close my eyes remembering his sexy, filthy mouth and the way he felt inside me. Twirling my fingers, I slide in two fingers and pump in and out seeing his face and hearing his voice.
“You feel so good, Camila. Let me hear you scream.”
Just the thought of him inside me has me crying out his name: “Ayden,” I moan, finding my release and letting go.
Opening my eyes, I remember I’m alone and have been in the tub for too long. Standing up, I grab a towel, change into a fresh set of pajamas, and head back to my room. Lying down, I stare at my son, my heart, my everything, and promise him the world because he deserves happiness too.
The next day Bev and I get together with the kids and shop. “So how’s everything going?”
“Fine,” I answer, looking through the piles of clothes in Baby Gap and imagining how handsome Grayson would look in some of these outfits.
“Just fine?” I nod in response. “You seriously need a girl’s night out. I mean look at you. You totally look like a mom.”
“Well, I am a mom, if I need to remind you, and what the hell does that mean?”
“It means you’re forgetting how sexy you are. You have your hair in a ponytail, no makeup, and I’m pretty sure you don’t wear glasses. You have on loose yoga pants and a white tee. Seriously, you look like a homeless person. When was the last time you went out and had fun?”
“Will you shut up please?”
I slightly turn and look away to find a mirror in front of me. Examining the way I look, I have to agree with her. I do look like someone who doesn’t care about the way she looks. I used to spend hours getting ready and spending money at the spa. Now that I have someone else to care for, my needs aren’t important. When you become a mom you become second, and your child becomes your number one priority.
Looking at the time, I have about an hour left before needing to drop off Grayson at Ayden’s. I fidget thinking about seeing him again and get sad that I’ll be home alone while Grayson’s away. I seriously rethink Ayden’s offer to have me move into his home with him but toss away that idea. I can’t be close to him. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
Saying bye to Bev and Gretchen, I get Grayson into the backseat of my SUV, and we take the short drive to Ayden’s. Entering in the security code, I drive up and park my car behind his.
“Are you ready to see daddy?”
“Yesh,” Grayson laughs, throwing up his hands, “yesh!”
“Okay, baby boy, let’s get you to daddy.”
Opening the door, I’m about to get out when I see Ayden coming outside and walking to the door where Grayson is. Suddenly I feel small and nervous. I shouldn’t care that he’s close to me or that I look like a homeless person. None of that should matter to me.
“Hi, Grayson,” he smiles picking up our son and giving him kisses. I watch quietly while the two of them bond again. I hear Ayden telling our son how much he misses him and he hoped he was a good boy for me. He looks up at me and smiles. “You look nice, Camila.” It warms my heart and I’m about to ask if I can stay for dinner.
I don’t.
Ayden closes the door and makes his way over to me. “Thank you for dropping him off. Would you like to stay and eat dinner?” I want to say yes and spend time with him. Seeing him in front of me brings back the emotions I've been pushing out of my heart. My head is screaming to turn around and leave, while my heart is beating for him. His eyes sear into me, and my body is about to turn against me. The way he's looking at me with sadness in his eyes makes me want to take it away and be with him.
“I can’t, Ayden. I’ll see you in a few days.” With that, I get back in the car and drive away trying to convince myself not to look back at them, but I do.
My two hearts are standing there watching me drive away. I wipe away the tears and put on my sunglasses to shield my eyes. This is all too much. I speed toward my townhouse and the bottle of wine calling my name.
Settling on my bed, I pull out my Kindle and a glass of Pinot Noir. Sipping on the wine, I load a book I’ve been meaning to read. Flipping through the pages, I’m engrossed with the heroine of the story and within minutes grab tissues. She’s strong, and all she wants is love even though she doesn’t feel pretty or deserving of love.
Since Ayden and I are separated, I’ve turned to reading to take me away from all the drama of real life. I love the sappy love stories I have on my Kindle. Even the scandalous, erotic stories have a love story. The female characters are lucky to have men who worship the ground they walk on.
I feel my eyes getting heavy. I can’t stop reading. A glance at the clock shows me that it’s nearly three in the morning, and I have forty percent before reaching the end. Readjusting myself on my bed, I curl up in the blanket and let the beautiful words sink into my soul.
Cam
“WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND?”
I lean into him and fee
l his lips on the side of my head. In two days we’re going to be graduating from high school and leaving Atlanta. It’ll be Ayden and me, and there’s nothing anyone can do.
“I’m nervous about tomorrow,” I tell him. “It’s a big step. I know you’re going to take care of me, and we’ll be okay. I like the idea of spending forever with you.”
“Me too.”
Something inside me awakens and a sudden feeling of dread hits me. “Are you sure you want to do this, Ayden? I mean I know that you really don’t have anything left here, so why don’t you move with me, Dylan and Bev? We can all be together in Rochester. It’ll work out.”
“Are you having second thoughts?”
His voice is cold, and it hurts me. I don’t’ want him to think I’m changing my mind. I want to be sure he knows what he’s doing, and he isn’t thinking with his emotions.
Turning around to face him, I cup his cheeks in my hands. “Ayden Park, you listen to me. I’m not changing my mind, and I want to do this with you. I want to make sure you know what you’re doing.”
He nods. “I do know. The money Deb left for me and everything I’ve been saving since I started working will give us a good head start. I know I can’t give you a mansion with servants and nannies, but wherever we live, I know I can give you love and devotion.” He cups my face and places his forehead against mine. “You’re my home. You’re all I need in this crazy world. Everyone who has ever loved me leaves. I don’t want you to leave. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”
“And you’ll never know. Never.”
Jerking awake I clench the sheets on my bed. My body is covered in sweat, and I frantically look around, looking for the time. It’s almost two in the afternoon. I hardly ever sleep in. Stretching my arms over my head, I twist and bend. Throwing the blanket off me I walk to my bathroom, turn on the shower and strip off my clothes. Rubbing my face, I step in and let the cold water cool down my hot body.