Nolan cut him off. “King Kidnapper doesn’t have power here.”
Loken didn't think King Balan would bother with punishing the humans that aided him, but what if he did? “If Rellaeria ever discovers I’m alive—"
“They think you're dead?” Eloy looked puzzled.
“I...may have left them with that impression. The method I chose to travel here was unprecedented.”
Danika chimed in, “You made a rift. Right?”
Nolan frowned. “I woulda thought you used one of those infinitygates.” For the benefit of the others, he quickly described what an infinitygate was. He did not, however, mention that he and Loken had been working on recreating one.
“No,” Loken replied. “Travel by it is monitored.”
“So, you made a rift?” Nolan furrowed his brows. “Sorta renders an infinitygate pointless, doesn't it?”
“Perhaps if the ability to do so wasn't so rare, it might.” Still, Nolan’s words echoed in his head. No one on Rellaeria could do what he did. So, what if worldwalking, to the extreme that he could do it, was a gift born from his Drakain blood? Shaking the thought aside, he focused on the conversation. “Worldwalking is when a sorcerer creates a small, temporary rift from one place to another. It’s usually done between worlds in the same system, but occasionally one might stumble upon a hidden path way that stretches further than that.”
“You didn’t stumble upon a rift from Rellaeria to Earth,” Raaum said with certainty.
Ah, yes. Loken had forgotten she had been present when he'd told Callum the abridged version of this tale.
“No,” he agreed. “I created one, and figured it would work or it wouldn't. Either outcome, at the time, was acceptable to me.”
“And...if it hadn't worked?” Danika looked like she already knew the answer.
“Well, I reasoned that, if it didn't work, I wouldn't have to process that everything I knew was a lie.”
“Looks like you continued down the ‘not gonna process this’ route,” Nora said, looking displeased.
“Repression and avoidance. A woman after my own heart…Oof!” Nolan laughed when Danika threw garlic bread at his head. “So, here's something I don't get. If King Asshole went through all the trouble of taking you as a kid, why was he so eager to hand you back over?”
A good point. One he didn’t have an answer for. “The General implied my heritage was used as a cover story to explain why we were on Draferia in the first place. So that it wouldn't be seen as an act of war. Perhaps they even demanded my return when they learned of my heritage.”
“Right, but if worldwalking is so rare, why give that up?”
Loken had no explanation for it because Nolan was right. It made little sense to dispose of a weapon, even if it was semi-defective.
“That's easy,” Raaum said, gaining everyone's attention. “Loken’s loyalty already belonged to Rellaeria. Look at how he feels about the Drakain. If it meant avoiding a conflict, the King could afford to send him to Draferia without losing an asset.”
The implication that he'd been unjustly raised to hate the Drakain in order to ensure his loyalty to Rellaeria was horrifying, but the voice in his head didn't care. It knew the Drakain were monsters, and they deserved his disdain.
To learn he was one of them was bad enough. Now, he was to believe that Rellaeria may have fostered the self-loathing that plagued him? The hatred in his heart swallowed its tail and became despair in an endless cycle, all-consuming grief for everything he’d been robbed of.
If that was his gamble, he miscalculated, Loken silently vowed.
Danika leaned into him, and although he didn’t react, he was grateful for the support.
(You don’t deserve it.)
No. He didn’t. Why didn’t they understand? “To reiterate, I committed treason. I turned against my King--”
Nolan interrupted him. “Yeah, see. Here on Earth, we don’t believe in Kings, and we certainly don’t praise the ones that kidnap kids.”
“It was his right,” Loken said, echoing his not-father’s words.
They all stared at him.
“Not many would have adopted a Drakain child into their family.” Stars above, why couldn’t he stop defending him? Loken didn’t truly believe what he was saying, but he imagined others would praise King Balan for his kindness. ‘How good of him to take in less fortunate child and raise him well,’ they would say.
“We need to work on your self-esteem,” Nolan said, breaking the silence.
What was wrong with them? “I plotted, I lied, I killed, and then I betrayed my people.” I abandoned the citizens of Rellaeria to war, he wanted to say. Raised a scion, he’d been taught his duty was to his people, and he’d left them to suffer for his blunder.
“No one’s perfect,” Nolan said flippantly.
“Loken…” Danika hesitated, meeting his gaze. “We all make mistakes. We just have to try to make amends. To be clear, I don’t think fleeing from Rellaeria is one of them… It’s probably the best choice you could have made.”
“And what of the so-called innocent lives I took on Draferia?” Loken persisted. “I feel nothing for them. Nothing.”
(Liar.)
He knew she didn’t like discrimination, so he let her see the ugly hate he carried. “They’re just animals.”
“Oh, we for sure need to address that internalized racism,” Danika replied.
Loken flinched, as if struck.
“You’re not the only one who’s done things they regret,” Raaum finally said.
Nora stood before Loken could think of a response. “Okay, guys. I think story time is over. He needs to rest.”
“I’m not tired,” Loken lied.
“Nice try. You’ve been in pain since dinner started. I’m texting Jeremy so he can set up the IV, and you’re going to bed.”
Loken desperately didn’t want to be alone, to be banished back to his room to reflect on everything this talk had brought to the surface of his mind. “Very well. If we can watch a movie.”
Nolan slapped the table. “Yes. I like that idea. You guys do that. We’ll pick out a movie.”
Raaum rolled her eyes at the implication that they would be able to agree on one movie to watch.
After Danika helped Loken to the couch, she proceeded to inform the others of what movies she’d already introduced him to. Loken tuned them out. He didn't really care what they watched. He just wanted to avoid his own mind for as long as possible.
When he arrived, Jeremy asked him how he was feeling while Nora retrieved the IV pole.
“What were my injuries, upon being liberated?” Loken asked, fishing for why his jaw was still hurting.
Though the healer looked like he'd rather not say, he answered. “Emaciation. You were so bad off, we didn’t think you’d make it if we did nothing. So, we had to give you a feeding tube for ten days, and it helped. Your wrists and ankles had holes in them from the restraints. Those healed first because, somehow, he didn't pierce bone. That seems to make a difference with your regeneration. The metal holding your jaw shut was a bigger issue. Before they could get you to me, you ripped it off and caused an open jaw fracture.”
Broken bone would take longer to heal than deep wounds, as Jeremy had ascertained, but that didn't explain why it still hurt. “My jaw has been...painful.”
Jeremy didn't look pleased to hear it. “When does it hurt? All the time?”
The healer proceeded to put Loken through a series of tests to assess his range of motion. Then, he felt the area, asking for tender points.
When he was done, Jeremy gave him a grave look. “I had to use screws and a fixation plate so that it could heal correctly.” He rubbed his temples. “Okay. Let's get an x-ray before we do the IV. Nora, can you help him to the lab?”
When they got up to leave, Danika came over to find out what was going on. “Want me to come with?” she asked after Nora explained.
He almost snapped that he did not require her constant presence
, that he didn't need to be handled, but exhaustion won out. He only waved her off.
“Let the others know we'll be right back,” Nora said, and Danika nodded.
Loken was too focused on not tripping to study Jeremy’s lab when they finally arrived. He led them into a small room where the healer directed him to a metal table.
He paused, nearly falling when Nora didn't catch the hesitation in his step.
“Oh,” she said, realization lighting her features. “Right. Okay. There's no straps or anything to hold you down. You'll need to lie still for the test, but can get up at any point if it gets overwhelming.”
Humiliation threatened to reignite his defensive temper as she attempted to console him like a cornered beast. Combating emotions born from trauma with logic was foolish, but he clung to her words. Eventually, he nodded and let her help him sit on the table.
The metal was cold under his touch, and he waited until he was certain it wouldn't bring on a flashback before lowering himself into his back.
“Ready?” Jeremy asked, adjusting part of the presumed x-ray machine and laying a heavy jacket across his chest. “It'll be interesting to see how the screws adjust when you shift. If they're still there at all.”
Loken didn't begrudge Jeremy’s curiosity and remained still, as instructed, while the healer took pictures of his bones. A large part of him was paranoid at being scrutinized by a scientist, but he trusted Nora to protest on his behalf if necessary.
Trust. The realization that he trusted was astounding.
Thankfully, the x-rays were over rather quickly, and when he was given the all clear, he put as much distance between himself and the table as possible.
Brimming with anxiety, he listened to Nora as she explained what an x-ray was, including the science behind it. The distraction worked well enough, but having to wrestle with his own mind was maddening.
It seemed to take forever for Jeremy to rejoin them with the results.
“Alright. Everything is where it should be, and your jaw seems completely healed, but I'm concerned your body isn't reacting well to the metal. There's metals that are safe to use in people and metals that aren't, and it's an entirely different matter with you. I'm not going to go as far as to say that it could be infected, but it's definitely causing problems. The minor swelling and pain should be gone, by my estimation, if the skin and bone are healed.”
Loken was inclined to agree, but he wanted to be sure. “When was the procedure?”
“A little over two weeks ago.”
Without his magic or another’s to speed the healing process, that seemed right. Wounds of the flesh healed quickly, but bones and organs took more time.
“We should schedule to remove the screws and plate,” Jeremy said. “Maybe switch it out.”
Cold anxiety swept over him, and suddenly he was back on that merciless metal table.
He was drilling into Loken’s skull. At least Lestat had done him the service of numbing the area, but the drill rattled his teeth.
A hand touched his shoulder, and he jerked away, turning to see Nora. “Hey. It's okay. You know Jeremy just wants to help, right?”
Of course he did. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have submitted to this test.
Eventually, she said, “Danika and I can be there. To make sure you're okay.”
She was trying to handle him again. He wanted to be offended, but he couldn't stop thinking about Lestat’s hands violating him, rifling through his body with cold, meticulous determination.
Not in this form, that inner voice whispered.
Yes, that was true. He hadn’t a clue what form he’d been in while he was Lestat’s prisoner, but he knew it hadn’t been this feminine version of himself. Somehow the distinction made him feel better, but he couldn't articulate why, illogical as it was.
As the panic began to ebb, he was able to think once more. Surgery was the last thing he wanted. To submit to being cut open—
Loken shivered.
Bad enough that Jeremy had done it once before, regardless of his intent. Alternatively, Loken could wait and see if his natural healing could fix his jaw. Eating was painful but manageable. Yes, that seemed the easiest approach.
“Let’s discuss it with your psychologist tomorrow, okay?” Nora said.
He nodded, if only to end the discussion, and accepted her help back to the common floor. Patrick had rejoined the group, and even Jeremy stayed to partake in movie night after reconnecting Loken’s IV.
They had chosen a movie called Avatar, which Loken was confused to realize had nothing to do with the cartoon Danika showed him.
As it played, Loken began to suspect Danika had a say in the movie they picked due to the underlying theme. As if he might find a lesson in the plight of fictitious aliens.
He fell asleep by the time they turned on a second movie, dreaming of blue scaled giants that only wanted to protect their home from the pale-skinned invaders. Towards the end, the blue skin turned green, and Loken stood among them, facing down an Evoir invasion.
Chapter 14
His eyes snapped open, and he was met with darkness. Heart pounding, he tried to assess what had woken him, but found nothing out of the ordinary. He was on the larger couch on the common floor, alone—no, not alone. Danika was sleeping on the opposite side of the couch, the same blanket draped across both of them.
He watched her for a moment, wondering if she’d stayed with him out of obligation or if she’d fallen asleep during the last movie. Likely the former. It was probable he’d have a guard with him at all times for the foreseeable future.
Localized discomfort distracted him, but he realized it was because he wasn't used to accommodating for breasts while he slept. Not that he’d never slept as a woman, but it had been a while. He’d also made the mistake of falling asleep with the bra on, something he vowed then and there never to do again. Taking it off was more difficult than it should have been, but he managed and was rewarded with sharp relief. The ache lingered, but hopefully freedom would alleviate it.
Wide awake, he realized he was in dire need of the bathroom and assessed his options. The IV was still running, though it was once more plugged into the wall. It could be disconnected for short bursts, however. The closest bathroom was the one he'd cut his arms open in, and he felt no morbid desire to revisit it.
So, he unplugged the IV machine from the wall and—after ensuring Danika was still tucked in—headed to the elevator as quietly as he could, using the pole for support.
Nora was likely in the suite, so he returned to the smaller room, careful to leave the door open so he couldn't be locked in as easily. There probably wasn't anyone awake to do so, but his paranoia wouldn't leave it to chance. The seeds of trust had been planted, but it would take time for them to bloom. Especially when they kept cornering him, suffocating him even as they tried desperately to help.
He checked the bed for restraints as he tossed the bra onto it for safekeeping. To his relief, they appeared to have been removed. Hopefully, they would remain gone. He’d had his fill of being tied down.
When he was done in the bathroom, he was still too wide awake to return to sleep. That and the recognition that he wasn't likely to have unsupervised freedom often led him to exploring. Eventually, as his muscles began to tire, he realized that he'd wandered to Nolan’s workshop, and a light was on inside.
Familiarity tugged at him. Though he hadn't spent long with Nolan here on the complex, it had been with more freedom and less surveillance than ALPHA could give; he'd enjoyed that, and he’d enjoyed the challenge of helping Nolan research ideas that the inventor had only ever dreamed of.
Loken entered the workshop slowly. The sounds of tinkering, metal on metal, drew him in, and he found the inventor arm deep in circuits. He was too lost in his task to notice the intruder, so Loken settled in to watch him work.
The man might be extraordinarily irritating, but Nolan's dedication was admirable. Loken could relate to being lost so deeply in a proje
ct that the world seemed to melt away. How many hours, days, had he spent researching and practicing a new spell to the exclusion of all else? He could still remember when his mother established the ‘no reading at the table’ rule. In protest, he’d taken to skipping First Meal altogether, and his mother would send Sanjay to hunt him down and drag him to the table.
With Nolan’s ingenuity, determination, and passion, Loken had no doubt this man could recreate an infinitygate with the proper tools and time.
Ian Nolan was as bright as possibility itself, curiosity personified.
After a few minutes, Loken moved to sit on an open counter, legs dangling over the edge, and the sound finally jostled Nolan from his work.
He grinned as he found the source of the disturbance. “Hey, Princess. Didn't see you there. Can't sleep?”
Loken only raised a brow and gave Nolan a once over, as if to say ‘you're one to talk.’ The inventor had the habit of neglecting sleep for his work.
Nolan caught his meaning and said, “It’s scientifically proven that geniuses need less sleep.”
“Hm. Let’s find a genius and ask him, shall we?”
“Ah-ha! I see what you did there.” Nolan gestured at him with one finger. “I like this version of you. Sassy and—well, the sass isn’t new, is it? Just the breasts.”
“And the psycho,” Loken said wryly.
“Reel it in, Drama Queen,” Nolan replied, finally discarding the circuit he’d been working on. “Speaking of breasts, I'm guessing you're so comfortable in that form because you're used to it. You've done super secret spy stuff as a woman?”
“Indeed,” Loken drawled, batting his eyes.
“Seductions, right?” Nolan grinned. “You should show me your technique. I'll critique it. Free of charge.”
“Darling,” Loken purred. “If I showed you, you wouldn't have the brain power to criticize.”
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