“Maybe. Or you can get me one for my birthday or something.”
“That’s going to be hard to explain why you own one if you don’t cook.”
“I can say they belong to you.”
“Uh huh.”
His arms drape comfortably over my back. “I know you said you wanted to talk. Before we do, though, there’s something I need to tell you. I think it’ll put everything in perspective.”
I’ve wanted this from the beginning. Now that I’m faced with it, my doubts start to run wild. Did I force this before he was ready? Is he going to shut down on me again after he says anything?
I push my reservations aside.
He’s ready to talk.
I need to be ready to listen.
10
Bronaz
If we were sitting regularly on the couch, I’m sure I’d freeze up. Distance between us would be too much to handle. It’d be easy to throw up my walls again and keep him pushed off.
With him resting on top of me, the heavy beat of his heart tapping against my chest, it’s comfortable to have him in my arms like this.
Natural.
That’s a frightening feeling. I’ve spent most of my life after my brother’s death dodging intimacy. I can’t bear it if I think about it too hard.
Kuras has been so incredibly patient since we first met. Yeah, he’s been kind of pushy, a little clingy and it’s kept me off balance. The moment he realized he was coming on too strong, he didn’t blame me. He acknowledged it and promised to take it easy.
The funny thing? That’s what pulls me back into his orbit. I didn’t want to let him close, yet when I stand to lose even a little of what he offers, I can’t let him get away either.
So here I am, a sated omega draped over me, waiting patiently while I tell him my damage.
“My brother, Hafaz, was my world. We were twins. Did everything together. Thankfully our parents weren’t the kind who insisted that we dress alike, but in middle school we discovered how much fun we could have fucking with people.” My fingers stroke up the center of Kuras’ back, finding the indentation of his spine.
“Anything I did, he had to come along. Sometimes it was a bitch, especially on dates when he’d show up out of nowhere. He was never annoying about it, though. Just a jerk. After high school, we each started doing our own thing and there was this cool part in my chest that missed when we talked every day. I tried to stay in touch but I was the only one staying in touch, you know?”
Kuras rested his chin on my pec to look at me while we talked. “Was he avoiding you?”
“I didn’t think so at first. I figured he had his life, I had mine. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do after high school but he wanted to be an artist. He got an art degree, sold some paintings, even had a few shows. It never really seemed to take off but he never stopped producing work. To make ends meet, he got into graphic design to take on freelance work. I look back now and realize that he was suffering from depression, but it didn’t seem bad. At least at first. We’d go to lunch and he’d be fine. Then I wouldn’t hear from him for months.”
This is painful to relive even now. “Looking back, the signs were there. I didn’t know how to recognize them. One afternoon, we got the call that he’d hung himself—”
And I can’t go on now. The words are thick in my mouth. I can’t chew my way around them.
Kuras’ lips are warm against the skin of my chest. “I’m so sorry, Bronaz.”
With a deep breath, I press on. “He’d been there a few days before the neighbors knew something was wrong. The note he left…that’s when we realized that his depression was bad. We never saw it coming and yet the signs were there, in plain sight. I haven’t gotten over that I could have done something—”
“You did,” Kuras said softly. “You tried to reach out.”
“It wasn’t enough. Don’t you see? It wasn’t enough and he died alone and in such pain.” I catch myself as the words come out in a rush. I don’t want them to sound harsh. “Anyway. After that, I just…didn’t see the point in letting someone get close like he was. The pain I went through, that my family went through, tore me up from the inside. I was wrecked. I’m still wrecked.”
With a shuddering inhale, I wipe at my eyes before the tears start to roll. “I’m sorry. This is so depressing. I’m sure this is not what you want to hear.”
“Bronaz,” Kuras’ voice soothes my nerves just calling my name. I feel him pulling me from the edge of despair that descends on me every time I think about my brother. “This is a terrible loss for you and your family. I’m so sorry. What can I do for you?”
I pause, startled at his words. The only friends I have left after Hafaz’ death were the guys at the shop. All the others in my social orbit drifted away with ‘call me if you need me’ or ‘at least he’s in a better place’ or other bullshit platitudes. Those tapered off after a few years, leaving me feeling like I was in a hole I couldn’t get out.
Now here is this little omega, asking what he can do for me, even though he owes me nothing. I chuckled thickly. “I don’t really know. Nothing, I guess. I just need to get over it.”
Because I hear that a lot, too, as if it’s that easy.
“No, you don’t need to just get over it.” Kuras shifts to meet my gaze. “Tell me about him. What trouble did you two get into as kids?”
I can see in Kuras’ eyes that he means that. He’s not bullshitting me. He really wants to know.
It all spills out of me. Decades of pent up guilt and anguish flow like the tears from my eyes as I tell Kuras about the time when we snuck out of the house to go tubing at midnight and got stuck in some brushes. Or when we traveled by bike to the Heien Peaks in the Waterston Territory’s national park.
I don’t know how long I talk before my throat is dry and the words start to slow. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel comfortable unloading this with Kuras.
It’s weirdly vulnerable but so natural.
He listens as patiently as no one ever has other than the guys at the shop.
The pull I first experienced with Kuras when we met is back and stronger.
There is something to this fated mate business.
My fingers brush his hair over the shell of his ear. “Thanks.”
Kuras turns his face to place a kiss on my thumb. “I’m here to listen, Bronaz.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. Stress and tension slowly melt from my body. “I’m glad I was able to tell you.”
“I’m glad you told me. That’s a heavy weight to carry around on your own. I want to be here to help you bear up under it, if you’ll let me.”
“I know.” I draw Kuras into a kiss. A soft meeting of lips to lips, it wraps around my soul and heaves it to the surface to see the sun for the first time in decades. “For the first time, I’m not afraid of that. Funny, huh?”
Kuras smiles. “Not really. I think it’s natural. Fear to let someone close. Fear to lose family and loved ones. I understand. Do you think you’ll want a family of your own one day?”
It’s a valid question. I nod slowly. “I came from a big family. I love how close we are, especially after Hafaz died. I would never want to give that up. And now,” I touch at his chin and realize just how much of an idiot I was to keep him pushed away. The love coming from Kuras, and the love I feel spilling out of me, fills me with such peace. “I think I have someone to do that with. I hope you want a big family, too. My mother will be beside herself in glee.”
Kuras’ smile is the brightest I’ve seen since I first met him. It fills me with contentment.
Maybe, after all this time, I can start to find the happiness I know is out there for me. Having a mate who is willing to stand by me when I hit my lows gives me the strength to forge ahead.
And honor the memory of my brother by finally living my own life.
11
Kuras
On one hand, I’m glad I pursued the issue with Bronaz.
His running hot and cold with me was perplexing at the best of times, frustrating during the worst.
I had no idea what he was struggling with, though. The devastation and loss of his twin brother to depression and suicide was crushing him. When we talked, it was obvious he struggles with it to this day.
We were able to clear the air and now I understand more about why he was stiff-arming me.
Once we had the talk, he was much more open and loving. He stayed the night, which made me a very happy man. And we even set up a time later in the week where we could spend more time together.
I know that some won’t have a clue as to his struggle, or those who do wouldn’t understand it on more than just a superficial level. It stirs up something deep in me that wants to circle and protect him from further pain so he can finally heal.
Still, we’ve made significant progress and I count that as a good thing. We’re closer than I thought would be possible.
I feel good about us.
Protective instincts rise up in me, though. I want to shield Bronaz from all the pain in the world. It’s not realistic, I know. It doesn’t make it any less real of a desire. From the beginning, I knew he was a good man. Loving, kind, compassionate and sensitive, even though the sensitivity was hard to see when he avoided me. It was still there, beneath the surface.
I want to protect that, keep it safe to let it grow and flourish, hopefully one day moving beyond the gaping wound of having lost a twin brother. It wouldn’t go away; I’m not that clueless. But if the pain would no longer be a sharp ache in his soul, I’d consider that a win.
In the meantime, he has work, I have work and every day spent away from him feels like I’m missing a limb.
But today, I will hopefully get to see him. I have an appointment with Austin and we agreed to meet at the shop.
Both Austin and Nosko spend a great deal of their off time there and I can see why. The guys are like one big happy family. Despite the tattoos and the loud music and the fierce looking men who work inside the shop, they bond together to protect each other. I’m slowly starting to feel like part of them myself.
Which makes me feel more comfortable there.
Although they could turn the music down a little.
Austin is on the phone at the front counter when I get to the shop. He lifts a hand to wave me in and writes something in the appointment book before hanging up. “Hey! I was just thinking about you.”
“Is that good?” I ask in curiosity. “Have I done something right?”
Austin peeks around the partition that separates the front from the back. “I think you have. He’s been in a really great mood for the past few days. I take it things are better between the two of you?”
I fondly look over at Bronaz bent over a customer in focused attention. “I think they are. We had a long talk about things.” I leave it cagey and vague but Austin nods in understanding.
“Good. I’m glad. Sometimes just backing off a little with the good intention of letting the other come to their senses is enough to spook them. Nyve sort of did that to me. So I guess I really identify with Bronaz in this respect.”
“And I appreciate that you explained it to me. You could have let me keep guessing and making a wreck of things.”
Austin slides off the stool, his hand resting on his stomach. He winces when the baby kicks. I could see the kick from my side of the counter. “I wouldn’t want to do that. I like you. You have a good heart. And I adore Bronaz. He deserves to be happy and I know you’ll make him happy so it all works out.”
I motion to the back of the shop. “Let’s get a look at you and the baby.”
“Yes, please. Do you think you can give me something to help with his kicking?”
I laugh. “Only techniques to help you both rest. There’s no room to store a soccer ball.”
Austin’s appointment goes really well. Nyve comes and sits in for it most of it as we get in practice for breathing and delivery techniques. A few drills on what to do when it’s time to deliver to make sure Nyve understands what he can do to best help Austin.
They show me pictures of how the nursery is coming along.
They’re really going all out for the baby’s room and I think I even recognize some of the art painted directly on the walls.
“Each of the guys offered to do something,” Austin says as he looks over my arm as I swipe through his photos on his phone. “Even Nosko. He’s not a half bad artist himself.”
“I think it turned out really well.”
Austin takes his phone, looks at it fondly before he puts it away. “When will you and Bronaz start a family? Have you talked about that yet?”
“Please,” I say with a laugh. “We just got to the part where we’re in agreement that we want to start one. I haven’t gotten much further than that.”
Nyve claps his hand on my shoulder. “He’ll come around. He adores Nosko and Taran’s daughter. He’ll fall in love with our boy as well. Then he’ll keep you knocked up. I guarantee it.”
“Thanks, I think.”
“Oh!” Austin throws his hands up and pulls his phone out to type something. “I knew I was forgetting something. I talked to Ronnie earlier. We have some new information.” He struggles to get out of the chair but manages with Nyve’s help. “I just texted Goldie. Let’s go out and see if the guys have time for a meeting.”
When we step out into the shop proper, Bronaz is just wrapping up his client, Sako is still working on his, and Taran and Nosko just showed up with their little girl. Varos passes us coming from the back of the shop.
Goldie comes bouncing through the front door as well. “Did I miss anything?”
“No.” Austin waves her over. “We’re just getting started.”
We head off to a corner of the shop to talk and be heard over the music. “What about Sako?” I ask, glancing over at him.
“We’ll get him up to speed when he’s done. Let him work.” Taran sets Charity down in Nosko’s lap. “So what’s up, Austin?”
Austin perches on Nyve’s stool. “I heard from Ronnie. So, all that stuff that you,” he points to Goldie, me and Bronaz, “found at the building? Well, you know that word ‘lux’ didn’t turn up anything that we could use, right?”
Bronaz nods. “I thought it was a dead end.”
“Well, it’s not. I went to pester my father again about information he’s holding onto and he didn’t exactly say anything.” Austin pulls his wallet out and teases out a business card, handing it to Bronaz. “But he slid this over to me before we left for lunch.”
Bronaz reads the card aloud. “Bradley Templeton, Realtor.” He shakes his head and hands it to me. “I don’t get it.”
I look at the card, then up at Austin. “He owns the building?”
Austin touches his nose and points at me. “That’s what Ronnie says. And there’s more.”
“Oh my gods, Austin, you’re killing me!” Goldie says in exasperation.
Nyve looks fondly at Austin and strokes a hand down the back of his head. “He does that.”
“Well, make him stop.” Varos takes the card from me and hands me his phone which has an email open.
“Bradley Templeton owns several business park properties as well as has connections to subdivision development and rental properties. He also owns a property management firm…Oh…oh!” I cover my mouth in surprise.
“Seriously, Kuras?” Goldie drapes her arm over my shoulder so she can read. “Oh.”
Bronaz grabs the phone. “Holy shit,” he grumbles and reads the email as well. His face lights up. “Luxury Apartments Management, Ltd. Lux.”
“That’s got to be him. It has to be.” Goldie shakes me by my shoulders. “I know it is.”
“Careful,” Bronaz says, handing Varos his phone. “We don’t know the level of involvement yet. But we can bet he was there at some point and Rayne saw him.”
“Oh, he’s involved. I just know he is. I can feel it. Here.” She presses her hand to her heart.
“That’s my sister. She smart like that. I’m going to go see what I can uncover.”
“Is that a good idea?” I ask.
“I won’t do anything. I’ll just snoop around. I have the time off coming and I’m sure Annika can run her shop by herself for a few hours. You coming?”
I glance at my watch and make a face. “I can’t. I have another appointment in an hour.”
None of the other guys are able to tear away due to their client commitments.
“Alrighty!” Goldie smiles brightly and bounces on her toes as she heads for the door. “I’ll be back later if I find anything.”
“Stay safe, Goldie,” Taran calls after her.
She gives us a cheerful wave and disappears.
“Does that girl ever have a down moment?” Varos asks after she’s gone.
Taran snorts. “They don’t last long if she does.”
“So,” Bronaz slides up behind to wrap his arms around me. I glance at Austin who’s smiling like a bird-eating cat. “Do you have time for a small announcement before you go?”
I give him a skeptical look. “I guess,” I say slowly.
“I just wanted to make sure the guys know that they’re going to pony up for another baby shower soon.”
That has everyone’s attention. Especially mine. “Whose?”
“Ours. Well, yours since you’ll be the one doing all the hard work.”
My face feels like it’s on fire now. All eyes are looking at me. “We what?”
Bronaz beams at me. “I figure there’s no reason not to start trying to have kids. There’s no such thing as too many, you know. Start now and have a whole bunch by the time I’m ready to retire.”
He wants to start now? My inner dragon is dancing a jig in delight. I’m delighted too, of course. I wasn’t expecting that we’d start until later.
Like…after we formalized our bond.
And here he was announcing it like it was a done deal.
“Oh that is so great!” Austin has his phone out to take a picture. The flash blinds me and I blink away the white spots. “Charity will have two playmates!”
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