“Are you okay, Olive? I could’ve sworn he would have told you …” she trails off while I swipe tears from underneath my eyes.
I sniff. “Sorry, bad cold. Still getting over the worst of it,” I lie. “And yeah, I think he mentioned it. I’ll, um, I’ll just give him a call.” I kick up the brake and turn the stroller around to head back home. “Thanks, Mariel.” I wave distractedly as I walk away.
I don’t hear if she answers.
He promised.
I can barely hear a thing over the sound of my heart shattering into pieces for the second time in the span of one year.
Climbing out of my car at the mall, I walk up to the sliding doors of the baby boutique to find Beau lounging in some fancy as fuck chair on display in front of the store. “Fuck, man, I think I need to get me one of these bad boys. I could happily sit on this thing for days.” He stretches his arms out above his head.
I grunt. “Coming or what?”
“Naw, don’t tell me you’re giving me the silent treatment, sweetie pie.” He bats his lashes at me like a dickhead.
I tuck my keys into my pocket and scoff. “Whatever. Wouldn’t have asked you to come here if I was. So get your traitorous ass off that damn thing and let’s do this.” I turn and walk through the automatic doors, the sound of kid’s music and screaming children pummeling my ears.
Beau follows me in. I stop and look at the shopping carts and baskets, shrugging and going for the cart.
We make our way down the first aisle; I wink at a flustered mother with two babies screaming in her stroller. Beau chuckles quietly.
I glance at him. “What? She’s cute for a stressed-out-looking zombie chick.”
He laughs again then starts in. “So you’re seriously not pissed at me?”
I refrain from rolling my eyes, just. “It’s cool. I’m just …” I trail off and stop at the display when I recognize the same bottles that Liv uses.
“Pissed at the world?” he suggests.
I shrug. Pretty much.
Seeing as nothing has gone as I thought it would since arriving back in Ivy Falls. In fact, everything just seems to get worse.
“Fuck, maybe it would have been better if I’d just stayed away.” I chuck two packs of the bottles in the shopping cart and keep moving.
“You serious? And not get to know your kid?”
I shake my head. “No, she’s probably the only reason I’m still fucking here if I’m being honest.”
I feel his gaze on me. “What?”
He whistles low. “I dunno, man. I probably shouldn’t even be telling you this.”
My jaw tenses as I wait for him to spit out whatever it is he shouldn’t be telling me. He doesn’t, just continues to stare ahead.
“Beau,” I prompt, “Shit, tell me what?”
He exhales roughly. “Seb left. You haven’t heard?”
My head rears back; I stop in front of a bunch of breast pumps.
“No, what the fuck? Over the shit with me and Liv?”
He shrugs. “Mil told me about that too, by the way. Nice going, dickhead.” He shakes his head.
I ignore that as my heart gallops in my chest. “Holy hell, does Liv know?”
He nods. “Oh, yeah. Apparently, she’s a mess. Mil reckons if it weren’t for Rose—” he cuts himself off.
“What? If it weren’t for Rose what?” I snap.
He looks apologetic for a second. “She said that she’d be completely falling apart.”
I scrub a hand over my jaw. “Wait, she didn’t when I left?” I’ve always wondered that but, ultimately, felt too guilty to ask.
“Well, she was a bit of a mess for a while. But she kept going. You know, kept going to work and getting on with shit.” He scratches at his jaw. “Being pregnant and having Millie held her afloat until she met …” He doesn’t continue. And he doesn’t need to. I get it; she met him.
But now, he’s gone.
Does this mean …?
I start walking again, a thousand thoughts speeding through my mind.
“So they’re definitely over then?”
“I’d say so.” He shrugs then eyes me. “Wait, don’t go making shit harder for her by trying to worm your way back in.”
I scoff even though the thought is already there. It’s exactly what I plan to do, but after our recent conversation—that almost destroyed me—I know I need to cool it for a while.
“Don’t worry; we’ve talked about it, and I get it now. I know that what I did is something she can’t get past.” I grab two boxes of wet wipes and chuck them in the shopping cart.
He guffaws. “It’s more than that, dude. She’s in love with someone else,” he says bluntly.
I try to hide my flinch, but it’s noticed anyway.
“Sorry, man.”
I know she says she loves him, and hell, maybe she does. But that doesn’t change the fact that I still love her and want her back.
“It’s fine.” I pause and look at some bibs. Choosing a set of purple and pink spotted ones, I chuck them in, too. “Like I said, I’m sticking around for Rose and gonna concentrate on being the best dad I can be.” And I will because that baby girl already has me wrapped around her tiny finger. But getting to see Liv, especially with that fucker gone? Yeah, I’m going to be the best damn dad she’s ever laid her eyes on.
He slaps me on the back as we move to the next aisle. “Glad to hear it, dude. Let me know if I can help in any way. But I’d tread lightly around Liv right now. Don’t be any more of an ass than you usually are, yeah? Millie’s pretty worried about her.”
I barely hold back a growl. “I’ll be on my best behavior.”
I decide to change the subject. “What the hell’s going on with you and Millie?” I eye him skeptically. “You finally decided to quit fucking around and do something about that crush she’s always had on you?”
He grins. “You can bet on her fine, sweet ass I have.”
My lips tug into a grin of their own. “How’s that going for ya?”
His whole face lights up like the Fourth of fucking July, and I just laugh and shake my head. Never thought I’d see the day he finally settled down with someone.
“She’s mine; I’m just waiting for her to admit defeat already.” He shrugs and stops to look at some maternity bras. Playing with the clips on the front, he mutters, “Fuck, check out the easy access on this thing. I wish chicks would wear bras like this all the time.” He turns to me. “Look at this shit.” He proceeds to demonstrate, and I can’t help but agree even if they aren’t as sexy. I don’t give a shit about that. I just want to get to what’s hidden underneath as quickly as possible. My dick hardens just thinking about Liv wearing one of these ingenious inventions.
I snap out of it when some kid slams into my legs. “Shit, you all right, buddy?” He looks around, a bit dazed for a moment, before nodding and looking like a hellhound is on his ass when he sees who I’m guessing is his mother coming around the corner of the aisle.
“Michael! Get your puny butt back here this instant.” She closes in on him, and the kid looks ready to bolt again, so I grab him gently by the shoulders.
“Sorry, so sorry,” she mutters as her whole face turns red, and she picks him up, retreating like we’ve got the plague or something.
I get back to the task at hand. “Right, diapers. And Liv gave me her size, so we need some outfits.” I pause and look around. “Think they’ve got any first-aid kits in here?”
Beau laughs. “I dunno, man. Let’s grab that other shit first and ask.”
We finish up, making our way out of the automatic doors, when a high-pitched voice has us stopping on the sidewalk out front.
“Zeke! Oh, my God.”
Ugh, fuck no.
“I’ve been trying to call you. Did you change your number? I haven’t seen you since you got back. What the hell?” Kiera asks, looking all affronted when I glance at her. As if I owe her shit.
“Hey, yeah.” I look at Beau for help,
who just smirks and looks away. Fucker. “I’ve been kinda busy. You know, got a baby and shit to take care of.” I raise the bags with my recent purchases for emphasis and watch her eyes harden.
“Oh, understandable. So where are they?”
“Liv? Ah, well, she’d be at home … with Rose.”
“I’ve seen Rose; she’s just adorable!” she gushes. I bet she has, and Rose is adorable, but I’m betting Keira wouldn’t readily admit that to anyone, though.
“Thanks.” I clear my throat. “Well, ah—”
She cuts me off. “I’m just waiting for Simone and Misty; they’re still getting their hair done.” She gestures to the hair salon a few doors down.
“What are y’all up to this weekend? We should totally all hang out and have some drinks.” Her smile is so eager that I almost feel bad for shutting her down.
“No can do, sorry. Got a lot going on at the moment, and Beau here is pretty much spoken for.” I try to dig my keys out of my pocket, wanting out of here, stat.
She laughs. “What? No way.” She turns to Beau.
He shrugs. “It’s true. Well, she doesn’t exactly know it yet, but she’ll realize soon enough.”
Her hand darts to her ample chest. “Lord, you don’t mean Millicent, do you?” She looks mystified.
I frown. Jesus, I forgot how much of a bitch she could be.
“The one and only.” He grins and slaps me on the back. “Later, darlin’.”
Thank fuck for that. “See ya.” I walk off into the parking lot with Beau trailing beside me.
“Call me, Z! We’ll catch up,” she calls out.
I flick my hand up in affirmation of hearing her, knowing that unless I’m desperate, I won’t go near that stage one hundred clinger ever again. The amount of bullshit she’s capable of springing on a man is un-fucking-believable.
Beau chuckles as I unlock the car and put the bags in the trunk.
I close it and lean against the car. “What’s so funny?”
“Everything about that crazy-ass woman is hilarious. God, I’ve always thought you were insane for touching that in high school.”
I shrug and turn to look over my shoulder, seeing Keira still standing there, playing with her phone. “She’s always been fucking hot. Just too much of a head case.”
“You got that right,” he mutters. “Where to next?”
“Gotta head home and set some of this shit up then head back out.” I straighten and open the door. “Liv said I could go over there tonight and help put Rose to bed.”
He squints at me. “Best behavior, dude. Don’t go stirring an already unsettled pot.”
“The fuck do you come up with this shit?” I shake my head. “No need to warn me; I’ll be on my best behavior.” I climb in. “Later.”
I’m gonna be the best non-boyfriend/baby daddy she’s ever seen.
I sink down further into the warm, bubbly depths of my bathtub until only my head rests above the surface. Rose has only been asleep for an hour, but I have no idea what to do with myself. Even when she’s awake, I’m back where I once was, stuck in this repetitive cycle of trying to ignore the pain squeezing my heart like a vise. Only, this time, the intensity is so much harder to bear.
It’s been four days since I found out that Seb left town. Four days of feeling as though I’m trapped underground while life continues to move on right above me. If it weren’t for Rose, I don’t even know if my heart would keep beating after the last and most brutal blow it’s taken. What I’m struggling most with is the fact that he didn’t even let me explain; he just left. Just like Zeke did before he skipped town. As if I don’t have a say in the breaking of my own heart. I just have to sit back and let the blows keep coming. It’s unfair even if it is partly my fault. It’s unfair, and it’s cruel. But that’s what makes breakups so damn hard, isn’t it? One person is always left more shattered than the other. One person always has more broken pieces especially if they had no control or say over the demise of their relationship.
I reach for my glass of wine only to find it’s already empty.
Damn. I force myself to leave it and not get out to refill it. I’m not normally a big drinker, but I need something to help dilute this pain. To take the edge off. Except I have a tiny little girl who’s relying on me to keep it together as much as I possibly can. So getting drunk every night after she goes to bed isn’t exactly something I want to get into the habit of doing.
Where are you, Seb?
I taste salt as more silent tears trail down my face. I don’t even know it’s happening half the time anymore. It’s a wonder I have any left to cry, really. This is something I never thought he’d do, just leave me like this. When he fucking knows everything that Zeke put me through. It doesn’t make sense that he’d just leave.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I scrub my palms over my eyes, feeling the charm bracelet slide around my wrist. I stare at it for a second then yank it off and throw it at the wall, watching with little satisfaction as it slides down to the floor with barely a sound. I’m sick of the tears and this ever-present throbbing in my chest that seems to radiate and echo through my bones.
Slowly submerging my head under the water, I try to let it all out until the crushing pressure on my lungs becomes a brief but welcome respite.
Sunday morning brings little reprieve from the sour taste of sorrow filling every taste bud in my mouth. Not even coffee, my life source, dulls it. I watch in a daze as Rose flops around on her tummy on her play mat, trying to remember what time Zeke said he’d be over.
He visited last week, and I walked him through her nighttime routine. All the while thinking that Seb knew this, Seb could care for Rose as if she’d always been his. But I persisted, mustering up the strength to get through the visit, and even chatted briefly afterward. I think he knew I wasn’t in the mood for any lackluster conversation or heavy questions, so he left not long after and said he’d see me today. At least, I think it was today. Christ, well, it wasn’t yesterday, was it?
God, I need to get my shit together. Seb didn’t die; he just doesn’t want to be with me. I laugh humorlessly to myself, startling Rose who’s bottom lip pouts right before she starts to cry. I put my coffee down and lie on the mat beside her. Picking her up, I place her on my chest. She tries to lift her head and look down at me, but gets tired and soon just rests her head on my boobs. I stare up at the ceiling as I rub her back and hold her little bottom with the other hand. I don’t know how long we stay like that for, but some time must have passed because Rose is sound asleep and Zeke is now standing over me, staring down at us with a frown tugging at those sandy blond brows.
Shit, I didn’t even hear him come in. I blink up at him, shaking myself loose from my dazed state.
“Hey,” I croak.
He sits down on the floor beside me and leans back against the couch, running his hand gently over Rose’s back.
“I tried to call and knock, but after not hearing anything from you, I decided something might be wrong, so I just came in.” He glances down at me. “I know you don’t want me to do that, but shit, Liv, I was worried. You do know the door wasn’t even locked, right?”
He knows; he knows Seb’s gone. And even though it’s because of him kissing me, I can’t muster up the energy to stay mad at him for it even if it led me here. I know I messed up, but I don’t think it warranted this. Not without at least having enough faith in me to hear me out.
I sigh and direct my gaze back to the ceiling. “I took a dirty diaper out earlier this morning. So don’t worry, it wasn’t left unlocked all night if that’s what you’re thinking.”
It’s his turn to sigh; I hear him shift beside me.
“Fucking hell, Liv, I’m sorry. I didn’t think I’d cause something like this to happen.”
I scoff. “Really?”
“Really. And even if I did, then I had no idea it’d affect you so badly.”
I don’t answer him. Closing my eyes, I try to keep mo
re evidence of my heart’s damaged state held at bay.
“Hey, why don’t you go lie down for a bit? I can watch her.”
I shake my head and keep my eyes firmly closed as I respond, “It’s okay; I’ll be fine. I’m just …” God, I’m not talking about this with him. “I’m just tired,” I lie. Sort of. Because I am exhausted. But that’s the least of my worries, to be honest.
Silence fills the room for a few minutes before dissipating with the sound of his voice.
“Remember that time, right before we graduated, when Ryan got busted making out with the cleaning lady in the janitor’s closet?”
I frown but remember.
He continues, “His girlfriend got so freakin’ mad. What was her name again?”
“Quinn.” A smile tugs at my lips as I open my eyes. “She grabbed the mop and said she’d wipe their dirty asses off the face of the planet.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, didn’t she chase them around the halls with it? Screaming?”
A laugh bubbles out of my throat against my will.
“Yes!” I sniff and wipe underneath my eyes. “What ever happened to Quinn?”
He shrugs. “God knows. I think she left the state for college. Hence why Ryan decided to be a dick. He said he was planning on breaking up with her anyway, seeing as he was staying close to home for college.”
I shake my head. “Ryan could be such a dipshit back in the day.”
He laughs. “He still fucking is, most of the time.”
I smile again, and it feels strange. Like my face muscles need to adjust to the action of it.
“The cleaning lady was pretty hot, though,” I admit.
She was beautiful, quiet, and at least ten years older than we were. Never would have expected her to cave to Ryan’s mediocre charms.
“Damn right, she was.” He grins. “Anyway, just remember, it could be worse. At least you aren’t getting chased around with a hundred-year-old mop while having death threats screamed at you.”
That has me grinning. “You’re right.” Although, it might just be a welcome distraction.
“I know this might sound dumb, considering it’s partly my fault that you’re feeling this way, but I’m here for you, Liv.” He rests his hand on top of mine, which is still on top of Rose’s bottom. “Anything you need, just let me know. I hate seeing you like this.”
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