I eat my sandwich as quickly as possible and then settle at one of the computers that lines the main room. I’ve searched for Luke before. But I didn’t find anything. I type Lacey’s name but there are way too many results to sort through. I almost narrow it down to “sister wife,” but my fingers hover over the keyboard. It almost feels like betrayal.
“If you have any questions, you can ask me, you know.” Luke’s voice is close to my ear and I jump up, shrieking. The assistant librarian, Mrs. Petita, shushes me with a frown.
“Sorry,” I mouth.
“Can I really ask you though?” I turn to him. His green eyes lock with mine and my heart jumps. My heart always jumps when I’m so close to him. So close and yet so far, because I know the answer.
He pulls a chair next to me and lifts his mouth into a half smile. One of those smiles that tells me everything I need to know. He still wouldn’t answer my questions. Not really. Because I’m not sure I would answer his questions either.
“You can ask me,” he replies with a serious voice. But then Cora enters the library with some of her girlfriends. And he stands up.
He wasn’t looking for me. He wasn’t checking up on me. He was getting ready for one of his famous hookups.
My jumping heart skips a beat and tumbles to the ground, adding one more bruise to its collection.
“Your girlfriend is there,” I mutter and wave at Cora. She’s always been very nice to me. Her mom organized cooked meals for my family when Mellie disappeared and even though Cora and I are not friends, we’ve stayed friendly enough.
“I don’t do the whole girlfriend thing,” Luke whispers to me and points to the screen. “You won’t find anything that way,” he adds. “If you want me to stay with you, I can.” His eyes search for an answer in mine. He won’t find any truth in the way I look at him right now: detached, like I’m cool with everything.
“I’m fine. I’ll see you at work tomorrow morning, bright and early.”
“You’re not coming to the party tonight?” He doesn’t sound surprised, but slightly disappointed.
“I’m working at the gas station.”
He nods. He’s still too close. If I only leaned a bit further, my fingers could touch his tattoo. I’ve been wanting to ask him about it.
His hand hovers close to my knee and I hold my breath but he doesn’t touch it. “If you needed anything, would you tell me?”
“Would you?” I retort and lift a shoulder, as if daring him to tell me the truth, to not turn to his usual bullshit.
“If I could, you’d be the only one I’d tell,” he replies, staring at my eyes and then my lips, and my bruised heart jumps again. Stupid heart. Stupid me.
But then he stands and strides to where Cora waits and he wraps his arm around her shoulder.
And I force myself to look away and ignore the pressure building in my chest.
Feeling sorry for myself won’t do anything. I close the tab on Lacey and instead search for “college voice scholarship.”
If only I believed in miracles.
Chapter Seven - Luke
I had to promise Uncle John I’d be back before eleven, but he agreed to let me out after I explained what happened with Kenneth. Kenneth’s cousin works with him, but after Kenneth’s outburst his cousin is going to have to answer a few questions. He’s not even working on the case so if he knows anything, he’s been snooping. And I can’t stop thinking about Kenneth’s smirk when he talked about Lacey. I can’t seem to get it out of my head.
It’s early but the party is booming. Cora’s on her fifth or sixth beer. She also did shots. Her long blonde hair is in her face as she dances, or rather jumps up and down. “Luke!” she screams my name. “Luke, come dance with me.”
I cross my arms over my chest, leaning against the wall. I’m trying for the too-cool-for-words look even though I probably just look like I’m trying too hard. Whatever. “I don’t dance,” I reply. She rushes toward me and throws her arms around me. Her lips touch mine and then she leans back, whispering. “Carlos…” Her ex’s name.
She mumbles, “I miss you.”
I wrap my arm around her. “I think you need to call it a night.”
Her finger trails down my arm. “But I’m not tired. And you’re so hot.” She kisses me again, her hands making their way down my back to my ass. The kiss isn’t doing it for me. She’s way too drunk and clearly doesn’t know what she wants.
Even I have principles, despite popular belief. And I don’t hook up as often as the rumors go, but when I do, I have some rules:
(1) be upfront,
(2) don’t make false promises, and
(3) don’t play the game if they don’t know the rules.
If she’s too drunk to walk, she definitely can’t agree to the rules.
If she’s too drunk to walk, she can’t really say yes. And I need to know she truly wants it so we both can have the best time.
If we had sex, she’d regret it…and she’d look at me with guilt or remorse in her eyes. I have enough guilt and remorse on my own.
“Let me take you home,” I whisper into her ear.
She shakes her head. “I’m sleeping here.” She yawns. “Madison’s sleeping here too.” I have to lean in to understand what she’s mumbling.
Madison’s on the other side of the room, playing pool.
I put my arm around Cora’s waist and she leans heavily on me as we make our way to Madison. “Will you make sure she’s okay? I think she needs to sleep.” Madison’s brown eyes widen like she’s surprised I’m being a human being and making sure Cora’s taken care of.
“Sure. I’m sleeping over too and I didn’t drink. We have a system,” she blabbers and blushes. “One of us always needs to make sure the others are okay. My mom told me about that system when we started going out on weekends. I mean…other girls do it too.” She slaps her hand to her mouth. “I talk too much.”
Cora giggles. “You do. That’s your superpower.”
I smile at the both of them, feeling relieved that Cora will indeed be taken care of and that I can go back home. I need to make a small detour by the gas station beforehand. “I think a system is great. See you girls later.”
Maybe a system could have helped Mom.
I shake my head. I’m not sure anything could have helped Mom. Not the best thought for someone who wants to become a social worker.
I slide into my car, away from the lights and laughter.
The gas station is on my way back to my uncle’s. It’s small, a bit on the outskirts of the city. Tessa’s usually not alone there, but knowing she works on Fridays until ten always worries me. I’m not sure if it comes from knowing Mellie got kidnapped and being afraid it might happen to Tessa too, or because my past could come back and hurt her. If my stepdad found out I’ve been working with the Feds against him, he wouldn’t be the type to forgive and forget.
Right now, he’s probably too busy being a scam artist to worry about me. And part of me believes he’s relieved I’m gone. I’m no longer running my mouth, trying to discredit him with every member.
The parking lot is empty. Tessa’s behind the counter, wearing a black shirt and a yellow cap. She gasps. “The doorbell is broken, I swear. I didn’t hear you coming.”
I stride to where she stands. She’s got a book in her hands. The TV above her is playing the news. The gas station is small but pretty clean. And my eyes zero in on the bathroom. I take a deep breath but heat still spreads through my body and I hold myself to the counter.
“Are you okay?” Tessa hurries to me and her hand touches my face. “Here, drink some water.” She grabs a bottle from the small fridge close by.
I take a big gulp. It’s only memories. Memories. Nothing more than memories.
When Lila and I escaped, we walked for hours. She was so tiny and so thirsty. I ended up carrying her and asking for the keys to the bathroom in a small gas station like this one. The lady behind the counter gave them to me and then Lila fainted.
Fainted on the floor—much dirtier than here. She called an ambulance. Lila could have died.
Tessa’s hand touches my face again. “Do you want to talk?”
I inhale and exhale as deeply as I can three times. “Not about that. What happened at school before Kenneth? Did you hear about the scholarship? I tried to call you after classes but you didn’t pick up.”
Her shoulders sag and I grab a Snickers from the counter, putting the money down. “Here. I know those are your favorites.”
“Thanks.” She opens it. “If only everything could be solved by eating candy,” she attempts to joke but then sighs. “I’m not even going to be put forward for that scholarship. Mrs. Reymer said she fought for me but my grades weren’t good enough.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry.” Then I wince. “I don’t understand. You have a 3.5 GPA.”
“The students they’re presenting have a 4.0 GPA, one has a 4.1. And I thought it might be easier since it was a scholarship just for our school. I’m not good enough.”
I nudge her. “Don’t say that. You’re more than good enough. You’ll figure something out.”
“Unless I rob a bank, I’m not quite sure how. My parents always told me my college fund might be tight for a four-year university. I’m looking into other scholarships but unless they’ve got a hey, you’re working your ass off, sorry you’re not part of any clubs and sorry your grades are slipping scholarship, I’m screwed.”
“Did you talk to your counselor?”
“I did. He’s helping me but…”
A guy enters the gas station. “Hi Jer. The same as usual?” She smiles at him. He looks between her and me and then smiles back.
“Is that your boyfriend?” His voice has a soothing tone to it.
“You’re always trying to fix me up with customers. He’s a friend. Hope your sister is doing better.”
“She is. Thank you. She asked me for a Snickers.” He puts a few items on the counter. “And I need those.”
“There you go.” She wraps some bread, eggs, milk and peanut butter and hands him the bag with a Snickers. “See you next week.”
“Bye, Tessa.” He waves at her and then nods my way and marches out like he’s late for something.
I frown, searching my memory. “That’s the guy who lives in the cabin by the Normans’ fields?”
“Yep. That’s him. He doesn’t have a lot of money. And he helps with his sister from time to time. You should have seen him the first time he bought pads for her when she was too sick to come. He couldn’t say two words.”
“Have you met her?”
“She’s not there often. I’ve never met her. He works hard on the different ranches throughout the year. A nice guy. A bit weird. But nice. He usually chats for a few minutes, but today since you’re here, I guess he thought I was busy.” She frowns. “By the way, why aren’t you at the party?”
“I was there, but Cora got wasted and I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh,” she replies and rearranges a stack of gums as if she’s thinking about what to say next. “Cora’s nice.”
“She is.” I really don’t want to talk about Cora. Not with Tessa. “I should go home. Believe it or not, I might make it back before curfew. Uncle John almost grounded me but he decided against it. I do need to be back early though.”
“Okay,” she breathes out and then her eyes find mine. “Thanks for passing by.”
“Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”
And I leave knowing that tonight the nightmares will come back.
Even stronger.
In my nightmares, I relive our escape.
In my nightmares, I relive our last few months with Lacey and Mom.
In my nightmares, I have to leave Lacey behind. Again.
I get a text from Cora, asking to meet up at The Flying Pig super early tomorrow morning before my shift. She might not even remember she sent me that, but I still reply. “Ok.”
Cora may not be the one I really want, but I won’t hurt her. I won’t get in too deep. She’s a distraction.
So why do I feel like such an asshole?
Chapter Eight – Mellie
Becoming a member of the Circle is a gift for this life and the afterlife.
Members should renounce their previous lives.
Teenagers should renounce any other life.
Children should not know any other life.
Members will become initiated via fire.
Fire cleanses the sins.
(The Circle’s Book of Truth – Rule Five)
Jeremiah isn’t back yet. He’s been gone for a long time. My stomach rumbles. I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast. He’s usually not gone that long. What if he doesn’t come back?
The hideout closes in on me. No matter how much I sing. No matter how much I repeat the rules of The Circle’s Book of Truth. No matter how much I pretend to be anywhere else but here. It closes in on me.
Tears fall down my face and I struggle to inhale. My chest tightens. I see Isabel’s face. I hear her voice.
Her voice pursues me. Her accusing voice. Her begging voice.
She didn’t understand.
Chapter Nine - Luke
The alley behind The Flying Pig isn’t very wide. The air is already warm despite it being seven in the morning. I’d have loved to catch up on the sleep that almost never came last night, but Cora texted me again she wanted to meet before work.
Her body is now plastered against mine.
“Luke,” she moans and clutches my arms. My mouth follows the movements but I’m not into it. Making out used to help drown the nightmares. But not today. Not yesterday. Not for a while.
“Luke,” Cora repeats my name, but even a major make-out session can’t fucking numb my mind.
Cora presses against me and I go through the motions.
I run my lips down her neck, press my fingers into her back. She smells like fresh flowers and coffee. I force myself to focus on the way her body fits mine.
She’s sober and soft and if she thinks making out with me is the solution to her problems…I’m not going to argue her make-believe.
There are footsteps in the near distance but we don’t stop.
Someone clears their throat. “I need to get to work.”
I turn around while Cora hides her face in my shoulder. Tessa stands in front of us in her Flying Pig outfit. Her shorts are not cheerleader tight or super short but my eyes still trail down to her legs. Her toned and sexy legs.
“Luke. I don’t want to be late.” She sounds very matter-of-fact but she swallows way too loudly. She did that right before going on the field to sing the National Anthem last semester. I chuckle and bend down with my arm stretched out to let her go. She raises an eyebrow. “You’re training in five minutes,” she reminds me and then walks by with her head high. Much higher than yesterday.
Cora tilts hers to the side, her finger touching my cheek as if to remind me she’s still standing in front of me, with her lips swollen from our kisses. “Five minutes? I thought we had hours.”
I kiss her lips for the last time. Everything feels wrong about this make-out session and I don’t want to overanalyze why.
“It was great.”
A blush creeps up her neck.
“Are you coming to the bonfire tonight?” The hope in her voice throws me off. It’s a hope I didn’t expect. Like we could become something more than these stolen moments.
I don’t mind being someone’s dirty little secret as long as they don’t dig deeper. Too much darkness there for anyone. Even me.
That’s why I keep Tessa at a distance. A distance that’s getting shorter but can’t disappear. Thinking about Tessa in this moment is wrong on so many levels.
Cora nudges me again. Patiently. As if not answering her questions is perfectly normal. It shouldn’t be like that. “Everyone’s going to be there. It should be fun.”
Bonfires are tradition here. Ever since the Angel Killer got arrested in the
fall, Gavert City is back full force with their bonfires and parties and forgetting the horrors of the past. I want to snicker but I keep my thoughts to myself. You can never forget the horrors.
I step back. “I might. But…don’t wait for me, okay? And who knows? I have a feeling Carlos is going to want to talk to you.” Cora stares at her feet. She was very forthcoming a few minutes ago. Her hand was almost down my pants, but now she looks like she’s afraid of her own shadow. My fists clench. And the anger I try so hard to keep at bay boils hotter than any Texan day. “What did he do?” My voice sounds way too serious, way too grave.
Cora’s eyes widen and she drops her hand from my arm. “Nothing. He didn’t do anything.” Her voice sounds soothing and it hits me in the guts.
How many times did I hear Mom use this tone to calm her pathetic excuse of an husband down? How many times did I see her drop her shoulders and tiptoe around him as if she wanted to become invisible? How many times did I beg her to leave him? How many times did I beg her to escape this place of horrors?
It got worse once he figured out I suspected he was a fraud.
I couldn’t save her from his fists or from herself.
Cora kisses my cheek. “Thank you.” Her blush deepens. “Maybe we could do it again… If Carlos… I mean…”
I smile at her. She’s going to go back to her ex-boyfriend and I even predict they might stay together until graduation. I’ll be a distant memory. And that’s fine.
“I’ll see you around,” I tell her and stride into the restaurant, pretending not to worry about anything. I need this job. Uncle John made it clear that I need to show responsibility. Especially after Principal Collins called him yesterday. I’m not quite sure how I managed to not get grounded. And I need the money for gas to visit Lila.
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