See Me, See Me Not

by Elodie Nowodazkij

  “I think I did. I hope I did,” I reply.

  The conversation sails smoothly from there on. We laugh at stories the guys tell us about Coach pranking them. Erin relaxes next to me. Both she and I participate in the conversation. It’s almost natural.

  It’s weird to think that life does go on.

  I keep on glancing toward the parking lot.

  Luke’s not there.

  Maybe he’s not even coming.

  I force my lips to stay in a smile.

  While my heart squeezes in disappointment.

  Chapter Twenty-two – Luke

  By the time I’m back from the soccer game, my uncle’s home. His ranch is a bit outside of town and the property has a small pond on it. It was my grandparents’ ranch. The walls are bare in the hallway but the rest of the house is still decorated the way they left it.

  I’m ready to find out more. I tried to call him as soon as I left the soccer game, but he didn’t pick up.

  I storm into the living room. “What are we going to do? Did you hear anything new? Are you sure Abram’s the leader?” I fire questions to my uncle, but I don’t get any answers.

  He’s slumped on the reclining leather chair in the living room. A dark drink in front of him. Not the first one based on how he slurs his words. “You need to protect people, Luke. You need to protect them from themselves. If only I had been there that day…” He swallows another shot of what I think is whiskey. “My brother…my sister…your sister…they’d all be here with us.”

  I’m tempted to grab the bottle and smash it on the floor or take a swig, but instead I plop myself on the couch next to him. It may be useless, but it’s still worth a try. “What can you tell me? What do you know?”

  “Today. Tyrik told me bad. Bad things…” Well, that’s helpful.

  “You should probably go to bed.”

  “Nightmares. I have nightmares.” He hiccups and stares into my eyes. “I’m sorry. About your mom. If I had been there to protect her, everything would be better.”

  “Maybe.” I bite my tongue. Mom wouldn’t have accepted his help. She wouldn’t have stayed with him and even though his issues are different, he still has a lot of problems. “Do you want me to stay?”

  A snore is my answer. I pull the knitted blanket over him and wait to see if he’s going to wake up or say anything, but he’s clearly out.

  My uncle hasn’t had an easy life. Mom didn’t either. Their parents were alcoholics who used to beat them on a regular basis. Mom found herself with a bad crowd. She did drugs and got arrested several times. Then, she found the Devotion of the People—the Circle. That one summer we visited Uncle John was when their parents died. Mom didn’t cry. My uncle didn’t cry, and there were only five other people at the funeral.

  He’s hard on himself, but he hasn’t dealt with his own pain.

  My phone beeps.

  The party is off the hook, Diego texts me. Hot girls everywhere.

  I don’t care about the hot girls. I want to see Tessa. I want to feel for one evening like anything is possible. I need to get out of here before I shake my uncle awake or pour water on his face. He’s not going to be able to talk and all we’ll do is fight.

  Lila is safe at home with Amya and Mitch. They’re even talking about hiring private security to make rounds around their house on top of the police protection, and Amya works at Lila’s school, so there’s always someone around.

  Nothing I can do.

  Mom must know where I am. Social services did their best to contact her but once they got off the grid, there wasn’t much they could do. But there are too many people at the lake for her to try something there. I’m more at risk here with Uncle John totally wasted.

  I exhale loudly and pace around the living room.

  If I don’t go, I’ll be stuck with my thoughts. If I go, I might be able to distract myself. And I don’t want to let Tessa down.

  I text Diego quickly. Is Tessa there?

  Diego doesn’t answer right away. But my phone rings. “Tessa? Dude, really?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We don’t mess with Tessa. Tessa’s nice and we all have her back. Pablo included. Especially since everything that’s happened with Kenneth.”

  “He already gave me the third degree. Trust me, I get it. Did Kenneth bother her again tonight? He’s such an asshole.” My tone matches the boiling of my blood.

  “Not tonight, he didn’t. I got her back too. We don’t mess with her.”

  I crack my knuckles in a lame attempt to calm down. “I don’t mess with anyone.”

  “No? So why was Cora asking all over the place for you?” He huffs and puffs like he’s running with his phone.

  “She’s going to get back with Carlos. And what are you doing?”

  “Maybe, but for now, she’s thinking about you. Not him.” He pauses. “One of the player’s parents got a tent today and there’s music. I was walking away from there. I can’t dance. I’m not going to stand there…I’d rather go hang right by the water.” He whistles. “Nice try distracting me. I’m not joking about Tessa.”

  “First of all, she can decide on her own. Second, I’m not going to hook up with Tessa.” The moment those words are out of my mouth, I picture her leaning into me. I feel my arms around her and I wonder what her lips taste like. Fuck. “I’m not going to hook up with Tessa,” I repeat, but I still can’t seem to convince myself.

  Diego chuckles. “If you hurt her, Pablo is going to make your life hell at The Flying Pig.”

  “What if I don’t?” I mutter but Diego talks over me.

  “Hurry up.” The music behind him isn’t as loud but still recognizable. It changes from hip hop to country and people cheer in the background.

  I take one last look at my uncle, who’s still snoring his alcohol away, and hurry out before I convince myself I should stay home.

  Spring break is in the air. The lake is crowded with cars, trucks, a bunch of people—including some from another high school and some college students who are home for the weekend. Hot dogs are grilling and bottles are passed around.

  This is the place to be in Gavert City.

  I slowly walk around the makeshift parking lot, checking the license plates, seeing if any cars seem familiar. I startle one couple who’s making out against a car.

  “Sorry,” I mutter. They ignore me and go right back to kissing. Good for them.

  After a few minutes, I breathe more easily. She’s not here. The music blasts from the tent that got installed in the empty field close to the lake. Some dance, others hang out by the bonfire closer to the water.

  My eyes land on Tessa and the rest of the crowd disappears. Her red hair stands out not far from the bonfire. She’s talking with a small group of people, but her gaze searches behind them and part of me hopes she’s looking for me.

  “I thought you might be here.” Cora stands in front of me with a big hopeful smile.

  I step back to put some distance between us. “Hi.” I don’t want to be an asshole, but I’ve made it clear our make-out session wasn’t the beginning of a romance novel. Mom’s closest friend in the Circle loved those. She went on and on about Riley Edgewood’s books. But those became banned books and she stopped reading when Master Peter told her to. “Where is Carlos?”

  “He doesn’t care.” She sniffles and sways from one side to the other. Shit. She’s drunk.

  Carlos cares. After what happened with his girlfriend last year, Cora is the one who made him smile again. Sometimes, it’s easier to run away than to deal with all those feelings.

  I should know.

  Carlos is by his truck in the makeshift parking lot. I’m tempted to tell Cora to stay there while I talk to Tessa, but she’s holding on to my arm and tears well up in her eyes. Yesterday, she was horny drunk. Today she’s sad drunk.

  “He doesn’t care,” she blubbers again.

  I don’t reply but gently tuck my hand behind her elbow. “Come on, let’s go.” I nav
igate her through the crowd, ignoring the amused and curious looks. Once we’re back in the makeshift parking lot, I find one of her friends.

  “Can you keep an eye on her for a second?”

  I don’t wait for an answer. Instead I march to where Carlos is standing. He’s not drinking but simply lost in thought.

  “Cora’s over there. If you don’t get your shit together, some other guy will hook up with her and she might actually move on.”

  Carlos lifts a shoulder. I was expecting a fist in my face or some type of angry reaction, but he seems demoralized.

  “Better for her.” He stares in the distance. “She deserves better. There are days I still can’t seem to process. I might not make it into college. My grades suck. I’m a fucking loser.”

  “You sure sound like one.” I raise an eyebrow and gesture to him. “She’s been there for you at your worst. You think she won’t stay with you when you hit a rough patch? You didn’t give her the choice.”

  “Who made you an expert on all this?” Carlos turns to me and there’s a hint of anger in the way he narrows his eyes at me.

  “Let’s just say I’ve seen enough people screwing up to recognize a major screwup when I see one.”

  He straightens up and even though I’m pretty buff, he’s stronger than me. Football player strong. “If you hurt her…” There’s fire in his eyes. Even though it might land me a punch, it’s much better than the sadness.

  I turn to where Cora’s sitting—right by her car. “I didn’t. She’s over there, crying.”

  “She’s crying?” He twists his hands and rushes to where Cora is sitting down. He crouches down in front of her and hugs her. She holds on to him like he’s the air she needs.

  I leave them behind and stride back to the lake. I keep on checking the area—the same way I’ve done since we escaped, making sure no one’s behind us, making sure no one’s getting ready to bring us back to hell.

  Tessa’s still there but alone, sitting under a big tree.

  Diego stands with a group of people. He shakes his head but I ignore his warning.

  I plop myself next to her. My heart beats faster but it’s no longer because I’m worried. “Are you playing hide and seek with the rest of the group?”

  She doesn’t turn my way but a small smile tugs her lips. “Apparently I’m not that good, since you found me.”

  Her dress hikes up and I wish there weren’t dozens of people behind us. I lean closer to her. “You look beautiful.” She shivers, and I’m not sure if it’s because she’s cold or because my mouth is so close to her neck.

  “Is that one of your lines?” She turns her head my way and I forget every word I’ve ever known.

  “Huh?”

  She chuckles, and I might become addicted to that sound. “Are you testing your lines on me?”

  “Definitely not,” I manage to croak. I need to get my shit together. This pull I’m feeling, it’s basic science. Nothing more.

  She leans in a bit closer, and whatever perfume she’s using will be the death of me. “You know what I want to do?” Her voice is tentative.

  “What?” I’d pretty much do anything she asked. I’d go skinny-dipping. I’d go and be social with everyone. I’d learn how to fucking fly.

  “Dance.” She pauses and smiles at the face I must be making. I can’t dance. “With you. I want to dance with you.”

  Chapter Twenty-three – Tessa

  The country music reminds me of my parents dancing together after local rodeos. It reminds me of the dance classes Mellie and I took. It reminds me of easier times, even though the deep voice singing about love lost and longings is heartbreaking.

  “Let’s dance, then,” Luke replies, though his face fell at my words. He seemed a bit jumpy when he first sat down next to me, and I thought dancing might be a fun way to relax. That—and I want to feel his arms around me. I stretch my hand to help him get up and as soon as his hand touches mine, I forget everything that’s not him.

  His eyes burn hotter than the bonfire. He’s looking at me like he wants to kiss me here and now. His half smile makes my heart stutter.

  Our fingers interlink as if we've been holding hands forever, as if we'll be holding hands again after tonight.

  He leans in to me and his breath tickles my neck. “I suck at dancing. And I definitely suck at line dancing.”

  My lips turn into a teasing smile. “I’m not sure where you’re from exactly, but not from around here.”

  There’s a shadow on his face. “I wasn’t allowed to dance.” His half smile comes back quickly, before I can ask anything. He leans in closer to me, and I’m tempted to bury my head in his broad shoulders or maybe press my lips to his neck.

  He tilts his head in a flirting way that’d look practiced on any other guy. “I guess you’re going to have to show me.” His voice is the soundtrack of any and all sexy movie scenes.

  We stroll through the crowd, away from the lake and toward the tent, ignoring the way some look at us. When we pass Kenneth, who’s leaning on a tree by the tent where people are dancing, he snickers. “Someone’s going to get lucky tonight.” His honey blond hair and blue eyes got him the title of Prince Charming lookalike last year. I love Disney movies, but they got that one wrong.

  Luke’s hand tenses but I squeeze it and stop walking. I let go of his hand and wrap my arm around his waist. He’s wearing jeans and a blue sweater. The fabric is soft against my touch, and he feels like he’s been spending time at the gym. I tilt my head and stare Kenneth down. “Someone will get lucky tonight, and that’s definitely me.”

  Kenneth’s mouth gapes open while Luke chuckles.

  Once we’re out of earshot, his smile turns into a frown. “That guy is a fucking jerk. You didn’t have to joke back there—he doesn’t deserve it.”

  “I know. But you seemed anxious and you’re supposed to dance, not get all mad.” My attempt to sound carefree falls flat.

  “I wasn’t…,” he mumbles. His strong hands frame my face gently. “I’m not a good guy. I get angry. I…control myself, but that Kenneth dude is an asshole.”

  “Have you ever hurt anybody?”

  He looks so intense that my voice quivers. He must think I’m afraid because he drops his hands and takes a step back.

  “Never. I just feel it. My blood boils and I want to hit the smirk away from his face. And I hate myself for it.”

  “But you don’t…” I shake my head.

  He turns away and I gently take his hand back in mine. We stand only a step away from the crowd but in this moment, there’s only us. The music around us is loud. People are laughing and dancing.

  “I don’t. But my grandfather hit my mom, and my mom’s third husband beats her.”

  My heart sinks and I bite my lip, unsure of what to say or do. But then I stop thinking, I simply act. “I’m sorry.” My hand touches his face. “I’m so sorry.” His entire body tenses before relaxing under my touch.

  “And then there was…” He purses his lips and dips his chin.

  My blood freezes in my veins, and it feels like I’m on the verge of falling into a symphony of despair. “What?” I manage to breathe out.

  He opens his mouth, closes it. Instead of speaking, he leans down until our foreheads touch. He closes his eyes and then reopens them, staring into mine. “Nothing. When I ran away, the county made sure I saw someone to help me with everything. I know I’m not going to turn into my mom’s third husband, but…it’s still in the back of my mind. What if…”

  Our breaths mix. His hand finds the small of my back. Anyone looking at us from afar might think we’re kissing, but somehow this feels just as intimate.

  I wish I could take his pain and his guilt. Maybe sharing my own feelings will help him realize he’s not alone. I take a deep breath and dive into my own issues. “For me, it’s what if I went and got help right away…what if I didn’t see Buster and start running toward him. That car that was driving wasn’t even going fast. Mellie pushed me
away and told me she’d get the dog. Maybe we could have found someone to help us...” I drop my hand from his face. “The what-ifs don’t sucker punch you; they’re like leeches sucking the life out of you.” My voice lowers until it turns into a whisper. “Mom reminded me tonight that I should live, not only survive. Maybe you should do the same.”

  He breathes me in. His arm tightens around my waist, pulling me closer. His lips are close. Oh so close. Yet they seem unattainable.

  “Maybe.” His deep voice is full of promises. It sends electrifying tingles down my spine. The music in my heart soars back to life. Despite the darkness and the shadows, we can maybe have this one moment of light.

  My hand wraps around his neck and I close the distance between us. “Totally,” I whisper back and when our lips finally touch, I forget everything that’s not him, this moment, this kiss.

  I feel dizzy, like the world besides us is moving without us. And his lips are my only anchor.

  Our kisses are soft until I move my hands from his neck to his sweater. I need more. I want more. I grip the fabric and pull him even closer to me. The tip of his tongue slightly brushes against my lips and I open my mouth. His tongue slides against mine, teasing and asking for more. He laces his fingers in my hair. I’ve never wanted anyone like this before. I’ve never let myself fall into a kiss like this before.

  “Tessa,” he whispers as his lips move from my lips to my neck. I tilt my head to give him better access. “So sweet.” His voice is deep. His body is tight and hard…everywhere. His lips find mine again. I never want this kiss to stop.

  Someone bumps into us and we both startle, as if we just remembered we were not in our own world. Luke plants a soft peck on my mouth, my cheek, my neck. I shiver in his arms and he smiles.

  “That was…”

  “One hell of a kiss,” I finish for him, and the way he looks at me is a mix of hunger and longing.

  We both stay frozen, staring at each other for what feels like forever. It’s a nice kind of forever, the kind I wouldn’t mind getting lost in.

  The butterflies in my stomach seem to have taken permanent residence; I’m tempted to ask them to pay rent to help me with my tuition next year.