by Mia Ford
“Oh, thank you, Gary, that’s really kind of you. I think I might just need a coffee to wake up my brain, that’s all.” I raise my cardboard cup high. “Do you want one while I’m going?”
A chorus of ‘I do’s’ come from the other guys, but I pointedly ignore them. They can’t make jokes about me half the time and want favors the rest. They know my stance on them all by now, I’m just here to work, not to make friends. As far as I’m concerned, they can all go to hell.
“I’ll come with you, actually.” Gary jumps up. “I’ll get everyone a drink.”
As we walk towards the canteen where the coffee machine sits, I dart odd looks at Gary. Something is clearly stressing him out, I can almost see it rolling off of him in waves. That’s not like him at all, I’m the one who gets all worked up about things. He’s a very calming influence. His mood is enough to distract me from my issues.
“What’s going on, Gary?” I furrow my eyebrows at him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just…” He sighs audibly. “I have something that I want to talk to you about, that’s all. Alone.”
Hmm, now I’m really intrigued. I lean closer to him and wait as patiently as I can manage until we get into the break room, then I bring the coffee machine to life while waiting for him to finally confess all.
But he doesn’t. He waits until I can’t take it any longer and I feel compelled to say something.
“So, Gary?” I try to smile through the nerves but it isn’t easy. Probably because I’m already so close to the edge. “What’s going on here? What did you need to talk to me about alone?”
“I erm…” He shifts his feet uncomfortably along the ground. His cheeks stain red as whatever he needs to say to me really stiffens him up. It’s having the same effect on me too, I’m really freaked out now. “I just wanted to… to ask you something, actually.” He’s so unassuming, the opposite to Alistair. Which is a good thing, Alistair is bad news. I’m not supposed to be thinking about him now anyway. “I just wanted to… know if maybe you’d…”
All of a sudden, it hits me what might be happening here. The coyness, the blush, the difficulty of him getting out the question… I think Gary might be about to ask me out. My immediate reaction is to panic and run before I have to say anything that will break his heart, I don’t like the idea of that at all, but thankfully, my brain fixes me in place. It reminds me that this might actually be just what I’m looking for, the distraction I need.
I eye him curiously. He isn’t Alistair, but maybe that’s the point. Perhaps if I’m not going to go back there with him then I need to move forward. And Gary is perfect on paper, he fits in with the vision of my life far more than Alistair ever could. If I really strain my brain I can see myself building a future with this man. He could be the one I marry, the one I have kids with. Not that I’m moving too fast but I need to remind myself of why I should say yes. There are many reasons why my life should go in this direction rather than the one it was.
“I was thinking that maybe we could…” I still cringe, I can’t help myself. I’m so used to a man being commanding and taking what he wants. “Go out on a date, for drinks or a meal, or whatever.”
Don’t worry about how it started, just thinking about how it can go.
I force a smile onto my face. One day I’ll look back on this moment and be so glad that I went for this. “Sure. Actually, that sounds really nice. Erm…” I tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear and dart my eyes downwards. It’s okay, I’ll make eye contact with him later. “What did you have in mind?”
“Oh… I think I’m just a little blown away that you said yes, actually.” His awkward laugh doesn’t do anything for me. “Would you like to go for dinner? I could take you to the Indian near here?”
Urgh, that doesn’t exactly scream romance, but it’s fine. I’m not looking for a grand gesture or someone to knock me off my feet. But that’s okay, this is more realistic. That’s what I need.
“Yeah, that sounds great. What about Friday night?”
“Yep… Friday sounds good. Do you want to text me your address so I can pick you up?”
“Well, why don’t we just meet outside the restaurant? Save you coming out of your way.”
“Sure… sounds good. I’ll see you then.”
“Good.” He nods sharply. “Right. I see. Friday then. I’ll see you then. Well, I’ll see you in a minute at the desk, but…” Oh God, there’s that awkward laugh again. “Yes, okay, I’m off.”
He gathers up all the coffees and leaves the room sharpish, leaving me alone with all the bewildering thoughts racing through my mind. That was intense, and not actually in a good way. I don’t know how I feel about it…
I grab my cell phone out of my pocket and immediately put in a call to Tamara. I hope she isn’t too busy to pick up, I really need her more than ever right now. I drum my fingers rapidly on the side while I wait for her to answer.
“Hello?” She sounds harassed, but that’s fine, she has twins. She’s always stressed out these days. “Katherine, is everything okay?”
“Yeah… erm, Gary from the office just asked me out.” Even saying it aloud sounds weird. “Like, just now.”
“Oh, my goodness, that’s amazing! He’s the cute one, right? You said yes, of course.”
“Yeah, that’s the one. I did say yes, but…” I halt myself in my tracks.
“But what?”
Of course she asks that! What am I going to say? Because me and Alistair have been secretly hooking up for ages and I don’t know how I feel about him? I couldn’t say that even if Tamara knew. Not unless I want to completely humiliate myself. It isn’t like Alistair is waiting around for me. I know he’s hooked up with others. It’s stupid to even consider how he might feel in all of this.
“But… I haven’t been on a date for a while,” I improvise. “So, I’m a bit freaked.”
“When is it?”
“Friday.”
“Well, what are you worrying about? I have plenty of time to help you before then. Plus, don’t forget that you’re amazing. He’s probably already madly in love with you. I really don’t think you need to worry at all.”
“Hmmm… yeah.” It’s weird, I actually feel oddly guilty which is just dumb. “Okay, thanks.”
“Come over tonight. Me and Logan will give you some tips.”
I want to ask if Alistair will be there too, I’ve been surprised by him before, but I don’t know if I can say his name anymore without giving myself away. Luckily, Tamara is under the impression that we hate one another because we can’t seem to be in the same room without fighting, so I can easily get away with it.
“Right, great. See you then. I’ll pick up dinner on the way. Thank you.”
As I hang up the phone I feel an odd sense of emptiness encasing me. None of this feels right, but what can I do? Alistair isn’t about to magically become a man who wants to be with me and Gary isn’t going to have that… that spark I don’t even know how to explain. That thing which ignites my fire and brings me to life.
But the fire will burn out eventually, it always has to. It can’t stay alight forever.
“Gary,” I mutter to myself. “It has to be Gary. He’s the right one for me.”
I’m sure the more I tell myself that, the more it’ll become real. I’ll start to feel that way as well.
5
Alistair
I flop down onto Logan’s couch, rubbing the sweat from my forehead. “It’s been one hell of a week,” I grumble. “Honestly, the money sector is not a nice place to be at the moment.”
“Yeah?” He hands me a beer. “Well I keep telling you to come and work with me, we’ll have fun.”
I chuckle, considering his offer. I consider it all the time but at the moment I have far too many secrets that I need to keep from him. It’s hard enough to keep them all from him with the moments we spend together, never mind adding more onto that. Maybe another day, when things are a bit more… I don’t know, settled
.
“Sure.” I dart my eyes around the room. “Where are the girls?”
“Are you not enjoying bro time?” He offers me a one shouldered shrug. “We’re never alone.”
“Oh, of course I’m enjoying bro time! I’m just wondering, that’s all. Usually we can’t escape them.”
“No, that’s true. It sure has changed from the good old days in the bachelor pad! But tonight, it is just me and you. Katherine’s out on a date so Tamara has decided to have an early night.”
My blood runs ice cold, I feel a freaky snake of panic coiling through my veins. I haven’t heard from Katherine in a while but that’s normal. It isn’t like we keep in touch when we aren’t in the middle of sessions. But this? I know we keep agreeing not to hook up anymore, but surely, she’d tell me if she was dating someone else? Okay, so I haven’t always been one hundred percent honest with her about my conquests but this is different. It’s a first date, and first dates lead to second dates, which can lead to… oh my God, I don’t want to think about that!
She’s mine, I almost growl. How dare she be anywhere near another man!
“What… what did you say?” I stammer out. “What’s going on with er, Katherine?”
“Oh, I don’t know, really.” Logan flicks through the TV channels, settling on some old time action movie that’s at least half the way through already. “She’s on some date I think. Why?”
I try to keep my breathing steady, if I freak out now I’ll give everything away. We’ve been keeping this a secret and now it’s all about to be exposed just because I can’t keep myself in check…
Only, fucking hell! I’m about to explode. The rage is bursting, it’s firing up my veins, my stomach is churning, it’s like fireworks, I’m about to throw up. The twitching is getting too intense, I can’t hack it.
“Fuck!” I jump up and bounce to the bottom of their stairs. “Tamara,” I yell. “I need you.”
“Woah, mate, what the hell is going on?” Logan joins me. “You’re acting like a freak.”
“I just…” I rake my fingers through my hair, my eyes dart everywhere. I’m losing control, becoming unhinged myself, if I’m not careful things are going to crumble and fall apart. “I just need to know about…”
“Katherine?” His eyebrows knot together. “Are you serious? What’s going on here?”
“I…” The words fall apart. There’s no way of me getting out of this now. Especially as Tamara is coming.
“What’s going on?” she demands. “You nearly woke the twins up then with your bellowing.”
I fix my eyes down, I can’t look at either of them. A red embarrassment fills my cheeks as I realize that not only have I blown the rouse about me and Katherine, I’ve also let out just how deep my feelings run.
“Al wants to know where Katherine is out on her date?” Logan saves me a little. I shoot him a grateful glance but he’s still looking at me like I’ve grown an extra head or something.
“At the Moonlight place, near where her office is, why?”
A thick silence clings to the air, none of us break it. The words ‘I like her’ fill my tongue but I can’t let them out. I don’t know if I don’t want to or if I just can’t do it. I’m stuck. I’m frozen in time.
“Look, mate.” Logan rests his hand on my back. “I don’t know what the hell is going on here, I’d rather you catch me up when you feel ready to do so, but if this is something you need to do then just go.”
“Wait no!” Tamara jumps in just before I can take off. “What are you doing? Going to her date? No way! This is the cue guy from her office, someone she’s told me would be perfect for her. You can’t ruin it. Why the hell would you want to wreck it anyway? What interest do you have? You hate her?” She stares at me, her face softening as she spots the desperate misery dancing behind my eyes. She clutches onto her heart as she recognizes the torturous emotions that I’m going through. “Oh…” she says quietly. “I see. I mean, I don’t see, not really, I don’t know when all of this happened, but… you… yeah, okay, you should go.”
“I... should?” I ask Tamara desperately. I didn’t realize how much I needed our friend’s approval.
“If you aren’t going to break her heart, then I suggest you go right now. This guy is one of those who’s perfect on paper, so I don’t know if you can beat that, but if you… you know, then you should try.”
I flick my eyes between Logan and Tamara, sensing their confusion but also a little bit of acceptance. Then, without further ado and without giving myself a moment to really work out what my motivations are, I take off at the speed of light needing to run all the way there. I don’t know what I want to happen next, but I don’t want her to be on a date with another man, and that feels as good a place as any to start.
I burst through the restaurant doors with a desperation coursing through my veins. I’m sure I look like I’ve lost my mind, the endless eyes darting my way certainly suggest as much, but I don’t care about any of them. There’s only one person I want to see and I won’t stop until I do.
Where is she? My brain starts imaging her gone with this mystery man already. No, no, no.
“Alistair?” She finds me before I find her. “What the hell are you doing here?”
I spin and relief floods me as I spot her all too familiar red hair. She looks nice, lovely actually in her tight black dress with her hair styled in waves, I want to hold her in my arms and never let her go. I can sense a man behind her but I don’t even see him. He’s nothing compared to her. Just a figment, a symbol that I might lose this woman. I cannot lose her. That’s even more evident now I’m standing in front of her.
“I… I…” Shit, where are my words. “I came her to speak to you.”
“Why?” She folds her arms across her chest. “Why the hell have you come here?”
“I…” Finally, I brave darting my eyes behind her. The man is nondescript. He’s nothing. I’m sure she could like him if I let her but I have absolutely no intension of allowing that to happen. It’s time to let her know. “I don’t want you out with him,” I growl. “Not when you belong to me. No way.”
“I belong to you?” Fury bubbles inside of her which brings a playful smile to my lips. I can’t stop myself, I love winding her up. “I belong to no one, thank you very much. How dare you say that?”
“I say it, because it’s true. You know it’s true. Stop trying to hide. Come with me right now.”
“I’m moving on.” She’s growing desperate now. “We aren’t going to make it happen, you’ve made that perfectly clear. So, why should I stick around and wait for nothing to happen? That’s crazy?”
“So, it isn’t that you don’t want me then? You admit that you would like to be with me if you could?”
She opens and closes her mouth a couple of times but says nothing. I do feel a little bad about the guy standing behind her, but to be fair, I would rathe know sooner rather than later. This is to help him.
“Right, so if you want to be with me then what are you doing messing around?”
“Messing around.” Her teeth grit together. “Fuck you, Alistair. You have no idea.”
“You tell me right now that you don’t want to be with me and I’ll go. I’ll leave you to your date.”
She darts her eyes backwards, looking between me and her date. The guy who is ‘perfect on paper’ and me. The one who might not be able to give her any of the ideals that she wants - although I probably could given half the chance - but that she feels that magnetic powerful pull with. Maybe it doesn’t seem like I should have a chance, but I’m quietly confident that I do. I know how good it feels when we’re together.
“It’s too…” She looks sad now, that isn’t what I want. “It’s too much, Alistair, you can’t just.”
“Okay.” I hole my hands up in the air in a defeated gesture. “I’ll go. I don’t want to put you on the spot. I just want you to realize that you can’t hide from this anymore. This is it, your chance to be with me.�
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“You haven’t made any indication that you want anything like that from me. What am I supposed to think?”
“I’m standing here right now telling you. What more could you want?”
With that I turn on my heels and I go. I leave the restaurant not really sure what will happen. I clearly know what Katherine wants but whether she’s brave enough to take a chance on that I’m not sure. All I know is I can’t stick around forever. If she isn’t interested now then it’s time for both of us to move on. We can’t go back and forth forever. This has been occurring for over a year. One way or another we need to make a choice.
I rock on my heels as I stare up into the night sky. Today seemed like such an ordinary nothing kind of day. I didn’t expect anything to happen at all. I certainly didn’t think it’s be the day I declared my feelings for Katherine to everyone. I don’t know how anyone will take it, least of all her.
She’s not coming, my brain unhelpfully tells me. I’ve lost out on the best woman I ever could have had.
It’s sad because she truly could have been the one to tame me. She’s got under my skin like no one else ever will. The temptation to go back in there and demand some more is almost overwhelming, but it won’t work. It’s up to her now to decide if she wants to take the plunge or not.
I’ll wait five more minutes, then I’ll leave. I’ll give up then.
No one will be able to say that I didn’t try!
My heart thunders, my whole body pounds, but I don’t let that show. I’m a swan, all calm on the surface and flapping underneath. Time ticks by, much too fast for me, those five minutes melt into nothingness. Then my pride takes action and I have to go, I can’t even take one glance back. It’s sad, but what choice do I have now? No way Alistair Chance waits around to be rejected. I lift my foot, and I step with a deep sadness consuming me as I go. It’s over now. After all this time, it’s done.