"Of course," I said. I knew her best friend Victoria would be her maid of honor, but I was glad she'd asked me to be in the wedding party. Maybe now that we were adults it was time to get closer to her. It seemed to me, all of the sudden, that she knew how to be closer to people than I did.
"I don't want to take up your whole morning bragging about John, though," she said. "How are you?"
I contemplated how I was. I wasn't feeling so great, actually. Aside from my usual morning grogginess and the impending dread of having to go work for Turner for the sixty-second week in a row, I was still unsettled about what had happened with Faye last night.
"Eh, I'm okay..." I said, feeling myself sink.
"Something wrong?"
"I don't want to kill your buzz," I said.
"Nothing could kill my buzz, Riley," Kimi assured. "Tell me."
I debated brushing the issue off, saying I was tired and stressed about work. But I had just agreed to be a bridesmaid in Kimi's wedding and wanted to be closer to her. She was a good person, and being on opposite coasts meant we had to work at being close.
"I've been seeing someone," I began.
"Oo, what's his name?" Kimi said.
I know Kimi didn't mean any harm by assuming I was seeing a man, but it was something I hated hearing. I liked men a lot, but I also liked women.
"Her name," I said, trying not to sound self-righteous while making Kimi aware of her assumption, "is Faye. We've been seeing each other for about six weeks."
"Aw, that's great, Riley," Kimi said. I was grateful for her unspoken apology. "It's been awhile since you dated someone."
"I know," I said, sighing. "And I really like her."
"So what's wrong?"
I sighed. "Last night I found out she did something bad to one of her exes."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that."
"And then I tried to talk to Justine about it, and she told me that I'm just using it as an excuse to run away because I'm scared of getting close to someone."
Kimi hummed pensively. "Are you?"
Now that I wasn't coursing with adrenaline and anger, I paused to consider Justine's theory. Was it possible that I was compounding my shock at what Faye had done with my own fears? Was I more afraid of intimacy than I thought?
"I don't know. Maybe. But what Faye did was mean."
"What did she do, if you don't mind me asking?"
I wasn't sure how much I could say without incriminating Faye and outing Callie Wilson for the millionth time. But I was too curious about Kimi's opinion.
"She outed her ex to get a better job."
"Ouch," Kimi said. "When did that happen?"
I realized I didn't know. "A few years ago."
Kimi hummed again. "I mean, I don't know anything about her, so I can't tell you what to do. But I'm here to talk if you need me."
Grateful that Kimi wasn't prying, I nodded, even though she couldn't see. But at the same time, I felt like she was brushing me off.
Desperate for a second opinion, I asked, "Do you think I have a hard time opening up to people?"
Kimi paused for a second, and I instantly knew her answer wasn't going to be No.
But her answer wasn't as bad as I expected.
"Once you've had your heart shattered the way you did, it gets significantly harder to be open."
I felt something release in my stomach, relieved that Kimi understood me better than I did myself. "Yeah," I murmured. "It is."
I thought back to when I'd been in middle school and Kimi had come home for Spring Break instead of going to Florida with her friends. She spent the whole week in her room watching TV, only coming out to shower and get plates of food to pick at. I would come to understand years later that she'd had her heart broken for the first time, but at thirteen, I didn't know what was wrong with her.
"Was it hard to open up to John?" I asked.
"So hard," she said. "He almost gave up on me a few months in. I almost gave up too. But I'm so glad we didn't."
The happy glow returned to her voice for a moment before she said, "You owe it to yourself to give this girl a chance, if you can. I mean, you've got a pretty strong moral compass, so obviously you wouldn't date anyone who hurts kids or kills dolphins or anything. But we're all humans who make mistakes."
I thought back to the time I'd gotten angry and stomped on Kimi's laptop when I was eight. Kimi had been furious, but my mom had intervened, holding her back from screaming at me or pulling my hair.
Now, Kimi, my mom said sternly. We're all humans who make mistakes.
And as silence set into the phone line, I realized that my sister had a point.
"Tell me about this girl," Kimi invited.
Cautious, I said, "What do you want to know?"
"Do you like her?" Kimi asked.
Swallowing, I heard myself saying, "So much." I swallowed again, feeling as though I was going to start crying. I had built Faye up to be an impossibly perfect woman, and it was no one's fault my but own when she had failed to live up to my expectations.
"What do you like about her?" my sister asked.
Describing all the wonderful things about Faye would normally be too much to handle at such an early hour, but Kimi was blissfully calm and a surprisingly good listener for someone with such exciting news of her own.
"She's smart," I began, "and ambitious and successful. She's beautiful and independent and she takes me to all these cool places and offers to pay for things. She's funny. We get goofy sometimes. And she's a good listener. And a good kisser." I felt my heart lift at the thought of Faye's kisses.
"You better lock that down, then," Kimi said with a laugh. Then her voice softened. "Maybe it's both the fear and the fact that she made a mistake that's tripping you up."
"Yeah," I said, realization soaking into my body with relief.
Maybe it wasn't as black and white as Justine had tried to paint it; this wasn't just about me being scared. Faye had made a mistake, and I was letting Faye's mistake inflame my fear. Maybe I felt too vulnerable around her to let go. Maybe this whole not-having-sex thing was a way to protect myself from all the feelings that would come regardless of how much I was wearing or how close her body was to mine.
I felt myself start to shake as I let that realization settle into my body. No matter what Faye had done, I had feelings that were stronger than I could control.
I felt myself start to prickle with tears. I had come home from my date the night before burning, trying to convince myself that Faye was a bad person. But Justine and Kimi were right; my reaction had very little to do with Faye.
"How did you open up to John?" I asked. I wanted some advice, not to mention to get out of spotlight.
"I just told him I was scared," Kimi said. "It was either that or lose him. Intimacy is about sharing the good things and the bad things." It was quiet for a moment before she said, "You don't have to do it all at once. Dating is figuring out how to make the good and bad work together. And you know… it's the grain of sand that makes the pearl."
Grateful for my sister's sound and calm advice, I let out a sigh and thanked her, congratulating her on her engagement once more and demanding she send me pictures of her ring as soon as we hung up.
Already tired from the half hour I'd been awake, I got in the shower, contemplating my sister's unexpected wisdom. As I lathered and rinsed my hair, I realized that I owed both Faye and Justine apologies. I had overreacted and dismissed two women who cared about me.
When I got out, I bumped into Justine on the way to my room. I decided not to waste more time pushing her away. It was difficult to say, but I managed: "I'm sorry I wrote you off last night about the whole Faye thing. You were right. I'm scared."
Justine gave me a gentle smile that held none of the smugness I expected. "Thanks," she said. "I hope you two can work things out."
"Me too," I said, feeling myself tense at the prospect of apologizing to Faye.
"I'm rooting for you two," Justine sai
d. "I wouldn't have sent those flowers pretending to be her if I didn't think she was perfect for you."
Stunned and relieved to finally know who had sent the first bouquet, I almost dropped my towel.
"That was you?" I asked.
Justine gave a guilty nod.
"But… why?"
"You were having a rough week and I wanted you to be happy about something. I knew you'd assume they were from Faye."
"How did you know that?"
Justine gave a small shrug. "Because you're still a romantic at heart."
I sighed, realizing that having someone know me so well wasn't such a bad thing. If romance could be as comforting and surprising as my friendship with Justine, it was something I wanted.
After thanking Justine, I rushed back into my room and grabbed my phone. After remarking on the beautiful pictures Kimi sent me of her ring on her perfectly manicured hand, I went back into my text messages and saw Faye's plea that had gone unanswered.
Steeling myself and trying not to get the screen wet with my dripping hair, I typed out, I don't think you're a bad person. I just needed some time. I'm sorry I freaked out.
She responded right away. Okay, I understand. Let me know if there's anything you want to know.
Okay.
There was a long pause before she responded. Do you still want to see me?
I felt my pulse rush as I forced myself to type of the truth. Yes.
Then there was a long pause and she typed, Can we have lunch Saturday?
Dreading the prospect but knowing I owed both of us a chance, I agreed.
And even as I fought the dread that came with agreeing to see her, I knew that the dread was nothing more than me fighting to keep myself safe, which had nothing to do with her. She was going to be someone I adored no matter what.
And that was terrifying.
The rest of the week was just as bad as the first few days after Isaiah proposed to Faye. I felt like it was obvious to everyone, including the customers, that I didn't like my work anymore. Since that first glorious night in the Box, I thought that if I got to dance as a painted lady a few times a week and be paid what I was worth, I would be happy.
But it turns out that isn't how things work. I'd already put in almost a year, so I should have counted myself lucky that I didn't burn out earlier. I was solvent and solid in who I was, but that week, I started to feel hollow. I started thinking deeper about the backwardness of the beautiful girls chasing the losers and creeps. What was it that drove girls like me to do this? Was it money? Curiosity? Something empty inside us? Boredom? Was it less of a choice than I thought it was?
Callie didn't say anything to me directly. She threw me a few pitying glances, which felt worse than confronting me.
I stopped talking to Callie so much because I knew she could see right through my skin to my hollow inside. I avoided Justine too, simply because I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to acknowledge that I had been sent into a tailspin by such a harmless, sweet girl as Faye.
I managed to stave off the depression. I requested a week off, and, miraculously, the vacation was granted. Aside from the three pole classes I still had to teach, I spent the week lying on my couch reading books, hoping they would provide some kind of escape. When they didn't, I put the books down and started playing computer games. That worked a little better, but when two of my female Sims fell in love, I had to quit.
I mended clothing that had little holes, gave away dishes I never used, organized the things I always intended to. To the outside observer, I was being productive. But to me, I was just filling the time. I regretted taking the vacation by the third day. It seemed a waste not to be somewhere exotic with my precious time off. I had the money, and for a brief moment, I contemplated canceling my Swivel classes and driving down to San Diego for a few days. But I knew I'd just do the same thing there, even if the rooms and streets were different.
I couldn't avoid Justine forever. She knew something was up when she came home to find the front closet immaculate. Luckily, she took a gentle approach in confronting me. She handed me a glass of wine and settled into her chair next to the couch.
"I'm worried about you," she said, her voice low and uncharacteristically gentle. "The cleaning doesn't usually go on this long."
I appreciated her thought, but I didn't want to talk about how I was lusting after a straight girl who was probably engaged by now.
So I bluffed.
"I'm getting dragged down by work," I said, sighing with the full heaviness I felt.
"How so?" Justine eased back into her chair, relieved I was finally talking.
"Just wondering at one point it's not a job anymore. I never saw myself as a career stripper, but I've been at it for a while and I'm not exactly looking for anything else. Pretty soon there's a gap in my résumé that I don't want to have to explain."
Justine nodded, contemplating my ordeal. "You've got Swivel, right?"
"Yeah," I said, giving a lackluster smile. Teaching had been the only bright spot in my awful week. "But that won't pay all my bills. And I still don't know what to do about my car," I said, gesturing toward the window closest to the street.
Justine gave me a concerned pout. She didn't say anything for a long time and I felt guilty for being dishonest with her about the source of my unhappiness. I just couldn't tell her I'd done something as stupid as falling for a straight girl.
So I kept talking. "I just don't feel like I'm making a difference, you know? Kind of feels like a waste of time."
What I said was true - I had no delusions about making the world a better place by dancing naked and entertaining strangers' fantasies. But it wasn't my primary concern at the moment.
Justine frowned deeper and nodded, though she didn't look convinced. "Is there anything else?"
Knowing I couldn't lie with words, I shook my head.
Justine pouted again. "Maybe you just need to get out. Are you working tomorrow night?"
I shook my head again.
"Good," Justine chirped. "One of my coworkers just got engaged and we're all going out to celebrate. You should come."
Instantly my stomach dropped and I felt as though my heart was filled with lead.
Isaiah worked with Justine.
Faye had said yes.
Chapter 16: Come And Get It
Once we got back to our neighborhood, I felt like I could breathe again. I didn't have to restrict myself, didn't feel like I was holding my breath until Faye reassured me.
To my surprise, when Faye shut off the ignition, she turned and smiled at me for what felt like the first time that day.
"Want to come up?" she asked.
Never one to turn down an opportunity to spend time with her, I nodded. I was still cautious though. She was so skittish that I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up that anything more than some chatting and maybe watching a movie would happen.
I followed her inside, keeping an appropriate distance between us until we were behind her closed door. Then we shed our coats, and to my surprise, she stepped into me, cupping my face and kissing me, slow and deep. I felt like I could finally breathe.
"You taste like frosting," she mumbled against my lips.
"You too."
I wrapped my arms around her neck and soaked into the kiss, feeling my body unwind and curl into her. I felt like I was with the best version of her: sweet, uninhibited, doing rather than thinking. Her heart was as palpable as the orange zest from our favorite frosting that day.
"Thanks for taking me," she said, leaning back to pull a strand of her hair from between our lips.
"Any time," I said. "We don't have to do stuff like that if you don't want. We can just hang out and watch movies if you're more comfortable."
I wanted her to know that I was willing to make sacrifices to be with her. If I couldn't hold her hand in public, maybe we didn't have to go in public at all.
"It's fine," Faye said, looking away.
It was quiet for a moment and
I felt bad.
"So what do you want to do?" I asked. "We can watch a movie, make cookies, play cards..."
Faye glanced around her messy apartment before saying, "We can watch a movie if you want..." Then her glance flickered back to me, and I knew that watching a movie was pretense for something else.
For the first time, I felt conflicted.
Sex with Faye was one of the most beautiful parts of our relationship. But this time it felt like a distraction from the fact that we'd just had a tense experience being in public together.
But maybe relaxing each other with an orgasm or two was what we needed. I decided to go with it, sliding towards Faye's bed.
"Mind if I take off my pants?" I said with a coy smile. "I ate a lot of cupcakes."
Faye let out a quiet giggle.
Soon we were snuggled under her blanket in just our shirts and panties. I thought Faye would go right in for a feel, but to my surprise, she lay on her side and brushed my hair behind my ear.
"Did you have fun today?"
"Yeah," I bluffed. "It was nice to go somewhere together."
Faye nodded, and it felt like we were both avoiding the obvious fact that our outing had made us feel awkward.
"Sorry if I was acting weird," Faye said. "I get anxious in big social situations like that."
I hadn't considered that Faye's awkwardness might have had nothing to do with not being out.
"You were fine," I assured her.
Faye nodded again, staring into me with that hypnotizing gaze that made my soul feel so naked and my heart feel so full.
"Tell me something I don't know about you," I invited. "Something about... growing up in San Antonio."
Faye smiled, and I melted. I liked this so much. Just laying in bed, talking. This was what real relationships were made of. Not sex, not dates, not labels or promises or rituals. Just moments of connection.
"We lived in a neighborhood that was mostly Vietnamese. I went to Vietnamese school on weekends until I was twelve."
I tried to imagine her as little girl studying a language that was so foreign to me. I imagined her sitting at a little desk with dozens of other little girls and boys who had raven-dark hair and eyes like hers, dutifully reciting phrases and learning about customs I knew nothing about.
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