by Tess Harper
For some stupid reason, I looked at Jack. He always seemed to be hiding something dark behind his bright blue eyes, and that was still there, but at that moment what struck me the most about them was their tenderness and vulnerability.
My hand shook as I turned to the next slide. Don’t let his baby deer eyes fool you Emily. Jack doesn’t understand love, he’s just a boy. I walked the students through ten more slides before turning off the projector.
“Alright everyone,” I said as I walked over to flick on the lights. “The midterm is still two weeks away. I’ll be passing out the study guide next week in class. Thanks for coming tonight, and I’ll see you next week, same time and place.”
“Thanks Miss Vaughn,” Sarah and Molly called as they walked out of the lounge. Brett and Donnie shuffled out after them.
I heard the others leave the lounge as I packed up my notes and slides. I pulled the strap of my passenger bag over my shoulder and turned.
Jack stood there, still looking at me with baby dear eyes.
I took a deep breath. I didn’t know if his presence frustrated or upset me. I didn’t want to see him or talk to him. I didn’t have anything left to say to him.
He took a step toward me.
I put out my arm stopping him from coming closer.
“Did you really mean what you said before Emily?”
I shivered. “Please stop calling me that. I’m your teacher.”
“Fine. Did you really mean what you said before Miss Vaughn.”
What do you want me to say Jack? That I’m still in love with you? That I really do want you?
“I can’t do this Jack,” I said firmly. “Don’t read into what I was saying about the painting. I was strictly talking about the art, not about you or me, or what happened this summer.”
“I don’t believe you.” His eyes growing stronger again.
“Well you should. I’m not playing games with you. This relationship can’t continue. I’ve moved on.”
Jack took another step forward. “I don’t believe you Miss Vaughn.”
I shut my eyes. “I have. I’m in love with someone, Jack.”
He stopped.
I continued. “Someone who gets me. Someone who I can be with. Someone who makes me happy.”
“So you want me to just walk away, then?”
I felt his breath on my skin. Had he moved closer? How could I not have noticed?
“Yes,” I breathed.
“You don’t want me to kiss you? To touch you?”
My entire body trembled. He was mere inches from me and not moving any closer. I told myself that’s what I wanted. I told myself that was what was right. So why were my lips parted as if he’d already kissed me? Why was my pulse beating so wildly as if he were running his calloused hands over my skin? How could I still want him?
“I can’t do this,” I moaned.
“Can’t do what? Talk to me?”
“Not when you’re this close.”
He breathed his answer. “We don’t have to talk.”
“Jack, anyone could walk in at any moment. Someone could see.”
“Do you want to go somewhere else, then?”
“You don’t understand. I’m your teacher.”
“That’s only a boundary, Emily. A manmade limit placed between you and your uncontrollable mysterious, natural desires. You said yourself that in conflicts between nature and man, nature always wins.”
The room was quiet. The warmth of his skin radiated onto mine. His shirt smelled of pine.
It would be so easy to give in, I thought. To fall to my knees before him and let him conquer me. Don’t look into his eyes, don’t look into his eyes. I begged myself, but I didn’t listen.
They were like two deep pools that reflected his desire and longing—no, my desire and longing. His fingertips trailed over my arms down to my hips. His grip tightened, rough and hard, and in a motion as equally rough and hard he pulled me toward him.
His hips dug into my stomach. We were both panting as if we were already sinning. “As you said earlier, succumbing can also be beautiful,” he whispered. “Come with me and let me show you just how beautiful.”
I might have succumbed right then and there. I might have let these dark passions overtake me. I wanted it more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life and I didn’t care about the consequences. I wanted to pull him down to the floor and feel him push himself into me. I wanted him to take me until I knew nothing but the feeling of his body, until my senses were drowning in him.
But then he said, “I don’t care who he is. He doesn’t love you like I do, Emily.”
Peter.
What the fuck was I thinking? What was I doing? With a student no less!
“No!” I pushed him off me, panting. “We are over. This is over.”
His mouth hung open as if he were about to say something more. His dark eyes pleaded, but I think he recognized his mistake, or at least he recognized my own reserve. I wouldn’t make the same mistake I’d made last summer. I wouldn’t give in.
My vision blurred. My throat tightened. Why did this hurt so much when I knew it was the right thing to do? “Goodbye Jack,” I whispered.
He gave me a small, sad smile. “Goodnight Miss Vaughn.”
Before either of us could say or reveal anything more, I ran from the room.
Chapter 15
“Who’s it gonna be tonight, chica? Jose, Jack, Johnny….or Comrade Stoli?”
I kicked my clogs off by my dresser and opened my closet door. “You are so weird Soph!”
Sophie’s hallmark laughter boomed from the kitchen. She continued as if she hadn’t heard me. “Cause I’m definitely feeling my native roots tonight and making myself an Xtina dirrrty martini, want one?”
“You and Comrade Stoli enjoy yourselves, I’m stickin with Jack.” I shivered, realizing the implications of what I’d said too late. No, there are no implications, Emily. You just like to drink Jack. That doesn’t mean…it doesn’t mean…
I slammed my palm on the doorframe to steady myself. “Bring on the Ke$ha!” I called out in my cheeriest, most carefree voice, except it didn’t sound cheery or carefree.
Luckily, the walls separating us kept Sophie from hearing the desperation and shrillness in my voice. “You got it Em! Double Jack coming right up!”
My entire body shivered when she said Jack. God, what the hell was wrong with me? I grabbed a red, hoochie dress from the back of my closet, threw it on my bed, and started undressing.
I had to get over this. This was getting so out of hand. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Sophie took one look at me when she got home from work and just knew something was up. My mind had gone blank. I couldn’t tell her about Jack. I mean, I could, but I didn’t want to. There were only two things she could say, and I didn’t want to hear either of them:
1. Quit your job. It isn’t worth it, girl! That boy did a number on you over the summer. He’s toxic for you. Do you think you can take seeing him every single day? Your health and happiness comes first.
2. This is your dream job! You aren’t going to let some boy come between you and your dream. You’ve sacrificed so much. Keep your chin up and ignore him. You’re a strong woman and you can move on.
I slipped the little red dress over my head and took a deep breath. Sophie wanted to take me out on the town to celebrate our new careers, but really I knew she just wanted to help me take my mind off the wet t-shirt incident. Man, Sophie must really think I was a delicate flower if she thought something like that would ruin my day.
And speaking of delicate flowers…
I glanced over at the jewelry box on my dresser.
My throat felt tight as a purple-headed smilie face danced in my mind.
Oh God, Emily, you need help. You really are a delicate flower. Jesus this is…pathetic.
I dashed into the hallway. “Hey Soph,” I yelled out, voice breaking. “Um…what do you think of this?” I took a spin to mask
my nerves and discomfort.
Sophie poked her head out of the kitchen. “Aw-yeah girl! Ow Ow! Hoochi mama!”
I fisted the hem of my skirt. It wasn’t hard to do when it barely came up to my mid-thigh. “But, for real, is it too hoochie? Can I pull it off?”
“Oh hell yeah girl. You look hot! You better go out in that!”
I closed my eyes and counted to three. I will not think about stupid purple smiling flowers that just make me want to cry. I will not think about spilled coffee on my boobs. I’m not listening to my lame school girl self anymore. Tonight is for my fearless self to go out and have a good time.
Drama wasn’t a good thing. If I was going to explore this thing between Peter and myself, and move on from whatever the hell I’d had with my new student Jack, I needed to let go.
Sophie was good at letting go. And one of the best ways to let go was to have fun.
I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. I smiled and turned to the side, admiring how the tight dress cupped my butt and showed off my legs. Sure, I was a T.A. but that didn’t mean I was a saint. Who says I couldn’t have a little fun?
Sophie rounded the corner, “Yeah girl! Shake what your mama gave yak!” Sophie laughed and started dancing with her hands in the air. She was so fearless and confident. Tonight, my goal was to be fun and sexy like Soph.
She handed me my shot and raised her dirrrty martini.
“Tonight,” I started, “tonight is about being young, sexy, fearless women in the city.”
“Here, here!” Sophie toasted.
“Tonight is about breaking rules.”
“Ow own!”
“And tonight is about dancing, living, and being fucking hot!” I raised my glass.
“Mm, hmm! I’ll cheers to that!”
I through back my shot and put my hands up in the air. “Woo! Let’s get this party started!”
***
Metro Park was the place to be on any night of the week. Always a packed dance floor, strong drinks, and the party never stops. We got out of the cab and the line was wrapped around the block.
“Epee!” Sophie giggled. “Get ready for a wild night!”
She grabbed my hand and strutted to the front of the line. In these kinds of moments I was very thankful Sophie was my best friend.
“Hey Brucie,” Sophie smiled, leaning over and giving the 6’5” Jamaican bouncer a kiss on the cheek.
Sophie used to hook up with the owner of the club, so she knew everyone.
“Ah, Sophie ma love. Come, come. You and year pretty friend.” He winked.
I flashed my best ‘Gee, thanks!’ flirty smile as he ushered us past the rope.
“You girls go enjoy yaselfves now,” he called.
“Your the best Brucie!” Sophie called back over her shoulder with a glittering smile.
Neon lights arranged in abstract patterns on the plum colored walls lit our way. Sophie tightened her grip on my hand as we squeezed past warm, sweaty bodies. The club was packed, and the DJ was bumpin. I bobbed my head to the beat and allowed the music to merge into the fading euphoria I still felt from the shots I’d taken before we got to the club.
“Let’s grab a drink!” Sophie shouted over the music.
I nodded and followed her lead.
Marcus and Kayleen were working tonight and hooked us up with drinks. Kayleen said that if Soph needed anything else—anything at all—Mikal would be happy to oblige.
Mikal was the owner of the club. Well, maybe Sophie wasn’t ‘totally done’ with him like she’d said two weeks ago. It seemed like something was still brewing between them.
I leaned over to Sophie. “Hey, just because people seem awfully friendly to us tonight, are you hooking up with Mikal again?”
Sophie’s lips pursed as she took a sip. “Hmmm, maybe?”
“You slut!” I laughed stepping back and looking her over. “You never told me this?”
“That’s because you never asked!”
We both laughed. “Well, I understand now why you wanted to come here so badly tonight.”
“Oh, come on Emily, you wanted to come too. Don’t tell me you’re not enjoying yourself right now.”
She had a point. Walking into the club tonight with Sophie made me feel like a rock star, there was no denying it. And I hadn’t thought of Peter or Jack at all—or at least I hadn’t until just now, and…
I looked back at Sophie. Get a grip, Em. None of that tonight. “Thanks Soph,” I smiled. “No one knows me like you do. I love you chica.”
She smiled back. “Don’t get all emotional on me now Em, cause the night has just begun!”
The DJ switched tracks. His deep voice filled the speakers. “This one is for all you ladies out there.”
Amy Holland’s She’s on Fire blared.
I grabbed Sophie’s hand. “Oh my god! I love this song!!”
“You’re so old skool, Em!” she laughed as we danced.
The dance floor was packed and I felt sexier than ever. I wasn’t thinking about anything but the music and the way my body felt as I moved to the beat. I didn’t even care when Sophie leaned over and yelled in my ear that she was gonna go find Mikal in one of the VIP lounges. I just blew her a kiss and danced harder.
And, looking back, maybe I danced a little too hard. I wish I could have blamed this on too many shots, but that was only partially the case. I think I was just trying way too hard to enjoy my night.
My hands were on my knees. My hair was whipping back and forth. My ass was out and shaking like it was staring in Butts Gone Wild. It was all very Tarzan without any of the poise, beauty, or refinement of Jane. The only thing missing was me ripping open my shirt, beating my breasts and grunting.
Luckily, my butt hit something before I could embarrass myself more.
I hopped around—hands still on my thighs, hair still whipping, butt still shaking—to see what I’d hit. And when I saw it, I no longer felt lucky.
The strobe light beat against his angular face. His hair was mussed and wild. His electric eyes shone with intensity as they narrowed on me. It all made it look like he and I were in the middle of a storm.
And, oh God, we were.
“Emily.” I could barely hear Jack’s voice over the music. But I could feel it, just as I felt two strong hands gripped my shoulders. I sucked in an breath, unable to stop the tremble that started at my shoulders and tripped all the way down to my toes.
Oh shit. This was bad. Very, very, very bad.
“Um, no. That’s not me,” I said.
His muscles tightened through his dark shirt.
Shit! He totally knows it’s you. Why would he think it wasn’t you? “Uh, Emily is at the bar.” My slightly tipsy mind thought that was a genius evasive response.
Pain flashed across his eyes. His grip tightened. Emily. This time I couldn’t hear his voice—I only saw his lips move.
“Shit,” I said. I had to be hallucinating or something. I shut my eyes. Opened them. He was still there. “Why are you here?”
“Me and some guys from the hockey team heard this was a good place.”
Images raced through my mind. None of them good.
Jack looked around. “I would offer you a drink, but it looks like you’ve had enough already…I hope you’re not feeling bad about what happened to—”
“You—the hockey team?” I interrupted shrilly.
“Yeah, I play.”
“Oh,” I murmured, slouching. Then, I realized the implications of him showing up with the entire freaking hockey team. “Oh! Oh God, there’s more of you?”
“More of me? Wait, what the hell—” He grunted as I grabbed his arms and pushed myself against him, moving across the dance floor with him as my shield.
The warm fog in my mind was slowly dissipating. I knew that I was acting crazy. More than crazy—completely insane—but I couldn’t stop it. “They can’t see me with you,” I pleaded.
“Emily, calm down. No one’s seen anything, and even i
f they did, they wouldn’t think anything of it. You’re my teacher.”
Exactly. I’m your teacher and I’m with you in a bar you are so not old enough to enter. “I have to go.”
“Wait a second, you don’t have to leave.” He grabs my wrist. “Let me buy you a drink.”