by Alyne Robers
"What can I do for you?" I ask Kane, licking my lips as I check him out obviously. He's in his leather jacket and dark jeans like usual. He looks controlled and sexy. I prefer him without control.
"I brought these," he says. In his hand are my red flip flops. The ones I wore over the night we fucked on a broken coffee table.
"Thanks."
We all stand awkwardly in the hall for a moment longer. Kane looks hesitant to leave and Miles looks even less ready to leave. I haven't talked to Kane since we slept together. I might owe that to him.
"Head on in," I tell Miles, kicking the door open for him. He opens his mouth like he might argue, but snaps it shut and goes inside. I'm guessing he is looking for London the ninja.
"Sorry about him," I start.
"He's like a damn guard dog with you two."
I laugh, not able to disagree with him.
"He's used to always protecting me and London. He doesn't get there isn't anything to protect us from here."
"What did he protect you from back home?"
I purse my lips and lean against the door. "That's a conversation for another time."
Kane steps forward, crowding me against the door. I can smell his soap and feel the heat coming off his chest.
"Is there going to be another time?"
I run my hands up his tight stomach and up to his chest. My fingers itch to rip the shirt off to feel his skin.
"You want there to be? But to be clear, I'm not really a fan of talking."
One side of his lips lift in a smirk.
"With you, that's the last thing I want to be doing."
I bite down on my lip and squeeze my thighs together. There's no doubt in my mind that Miles finally realizes my sister is gone and now has his ear pressed to the door. Reluctantly, I push Kane back and finally breathe in.
"I should go in."
Kane backs away and looks at the closed door over my shoulder. His jaw ticks under his five o'clock shadow.
"Your sister home?"
"Why? You want to see her?"
If Kane can hear the bite in my voice, he doesn't show it. He shakes his head and looks back down at me.
"Just wondering what Miles is doing in there."
"Listening at the door, no doubt. London jumped out the window before he got here."
To prove my point, I hear Miles curse on the other side. Everyone's concern with London is starting to piss me off. She was always strong no matter what torture we went through. Maybe because she wears her pain on the outside and it's obvious, they want to help her. Since I hide everything I think and feel, does that mean I don't need help? Did they forget that I was by her side through every lick of pain?
"Will I see you at Stephanie's this weekend?" Kane asks.
"I was going to see Miles and his band play with London. You should come," I say.
It's probably not a great idea, but I want to see Miles play. We used to go to every show back home, and both of us have been slacking lately. I want to keep Miles as my friend, even if he's annoying me most of the time.
"Sure. Text me with the details."
Kane starts to walk back toward his apartment and I open my door to find Miles waiting for me. I drop the flip flops on the floor and stare at him, waiting for him to start lecturing me.
"Have you eaten?" he asks instead.
I stand there blinking at him while he checks the sink for evidence that I did not in fact eat.
"I'm starving," I admit.
Miles nods and proceeds to order pizza. He doesn't bother asking me what I want since he knows everything about me. I return to the couch, a little peeved I missed that episode of Teen Mom. It's not the same without London anyway.
"You dating him?" Miles asks when he finally sits next to me.
"When is the last time I dated? Why do you care? Shouldn't you be worried about where London is right now?"
I swallow the lump in my throat. I am never jealous of my sister. I'm not even sure that what I feel right now is jealously or if I'm feeling left behind.
"She obviously doesn't want to see me. She knows about us last summer."
"Shit."
Shit is an understatement. I always meant to tell her but I never knew how. After a while, it felt as though it was almost too late to tell her. Since I was never sure what that kiss really meant, I pretended it didn't happen.
"I worry about the both of you, Brooklyn."
Miles grabs my hand and I feel better. His touch is familiar and calming to me. It was the one thing back home that made life bearable.
Most of the time, I don't want to feel like I'm home. I want to feel different. Alive. Kane gives me that. He makes everything disappear around me, and I don't feel. I don't think. I just live.
"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing," Miles says, laying his head back and staring at the ceiling.
"With London?"
"Either of you." He rubs his face. "I can't deny how beautiful you both are. I love you both very much."
"We know that. And we love you."
"I shouldn't have kissed London. I know that. I just panicked."
"Why?"
Miles is quiet while he thinks. That's one thing he has in common with my sister. They think before they speak or act. I just blurt stuff out and do what I want, damn the consequences.
"I felt like she was slipping away from me. I didn't want to lose her so I made a desperate move. I didn't want things to change."
"That kind of backfired," I add helpfully.
"Thanks."
"London isn't slipping. She's stable and predictable. Just let her adjust. This move was hard for her."
Miles nods and we sit in comfortable silence.
"So, you invited him to my show?" I can hear the humor in his voice.
"Yeah," I say with a light laugh. "I guess I wanted to have the four of us all together."
Miles hand tightens on me and I look at his face. He looks genuinely worried. It only makes me want it more. I need to see how he acts with London. I want Miles to see me with Kane and understand that he is what I want. What I need.
"I don't like him."
"Yeah, I got that. Why? Because I'm fucking him?"
"Because he's fucking you."
I stand and pace toward the door. "I know what I'm doing. He didn't lead me on and we understand fully what is going on between us. Mind your business."
"You're my business," Miles growls, coming for me.
In seconds, he's cleared the distance I put between us and I'm pinned to the wall. His chest is pressed to mine, his face inches from my. I feel his hot breath on my lips. I start to panic, feeling restrained. I shove Miles away.
"You going to kiss me now too in order to keep me where you want me?" I hiss at him.
Miles pushes away roughly, glaring at me.
"You saved us already, Miles. You don't need to save me now."
Before Miles can say anything else, the buzzer rings with our pizza delivery.
We eat in angry silence. I hate fighting with Miles. It leaves a heavy feeling inside that I want to rip out. Everything in me rebels against hurting him. Finally giving in, I curl up next to him on the couch. Miles puts his arm around me and we settle in.
We don't apologize. Neither one of us expects one. Never say sorry for being yourself.
THIRTEEN
London
"Get dressed. You can't go out in those," Brooklyn says, pointing to the stained sweatpants.
"I'm going out?"
"Yeah. I promised Miles we would come tonight."
"You did what?"
Brooklyn applies another coat of lipstick in the mirror near the front door, ignoring me. She looks ready to go out in skinny jeans, boots and a low top. I assumed she was getting ready for work. I was looking forward to binge watching Vikings and eating the tub of ice cream I hid in the back of the freezer.
"I was avoiding Miles."
"I'm aware, but it's getting old. Now go put on that black dress
that I love and get your ass to the Sand Bar. I'll meet you there."
"Wait! I don't want to go," I whine.
Brooklyn turns to glare at me, clearly done with my shit.
"You do. You two need to make nice because this sucks when you guys aren't speaking. It's not fair for me and I'm done being in the middle. So put on your big girl panties, or better yet, no panties."
Brooklyn waits for me to get up before she grabs her purse and goes for the door.
"He loves us, London. Try not to forget we aren't the only ones who packed up and left everything behind in the middle of the night."
I feel a flush of shame as she walks out of the apartment. She is right. Miles was the one who carried us to his car in the middle of the night. He was the one who gave us the strength and means to finally escape our dad. It's time we get back to normal. I jump up from the couch and get ready in a hurry.
I grab the dress she was talking about and even put on panties. I'm not trying to seduce Miles. I just want to keep our friendship. I grab the keys and lock up behind me. At the bar, it’s already crowded and full of energy. Leslie is up by the empty stage talking to a few girls. When she sees me, her face lights up.
"Was wondering when I would see you again," she says, pulling me over the bar.
"Well, here I am. Have you seen my sister yet?" I ask as I wave down the bartender for a drink. I order two Long Island iced teas, knowing Brooklyn loves them too.
"Your sister? Don't think so."
"You would know. She's my twin, but hotter."
I push up on toes to see over the heads, trying to spot her. She left a while before me but I'm not even sure how she was getting here since she left the Jeep. I'm nervous to introduce her to Leslie and the band. They were the few people I knew who didn't know her. Probably the only people now that I think about it.
I flinch when I feel a hand slide over my hip and over my stomach from behind. I still, not ready to turn around when I feel the body against my back. Leslie's eyes grow wider as she looks over my head, so I know it's not Miles.
I slowly turn, hoping I didn't catch the smell of leather and gasoline. My stomach flutters when I look up into a dark set of eyes, staring down at me with a hot intensity.
"Kane? What are you doing here?"
His eyebrows come together for a moment before he slowly pulls back from me.
"London. Sorry. I thought you were Brooklyn."
"It's alright. I didn't realize you were going to be here too. Where is she?" I take a step back, putting some distance between us since it didn't seem like Kane was going to.
"I don't know. She texted earlier and said she would be here but I haven't seen her."
I shake my head. Brooklyn is never on time or ever reliable. Somehow, I'm not surprised that she planned this and then shows up late.
"You look nice," Kane says, his eyes traveling down my dress and stopping at my heels.
"Thank you," I say quietly, feeling my cheeks heat. I almost want to add this is her dress, that I wouldn't have been bold enough to buy something this sexy.
"I'm Kane," he says, reaching around me to shake Leslie's hand.
"Sorry, this is Leslie. Her boyfriend is in the band."
"Nice to meet you," she says, giving me a quick sideways glance.
I hear commotion and turn to see the band gathering on the stage. After a quick wave, Leslie runs over to kiss Braxton. Miles finds me in the crowd instantly. He waves and looks at Kane standing close behind me. I wonder if he knows who I am from where is standing under the bright lights.
"You bought me a drink?" Kane asks, bending down to talk in my ear.
"Looks like it." I hand it to him. If Brooklyn wants a drink, she can get her own. I'm not gonna let it go to waste because she doesn't have respect for anyone else's time but her own.
The music starts to play and I try to ignore Kane and focus on the band. It's not easy to do with him standing so close. I am consumed with wondering what everyone else is thinking. What does Miles think of us here together? What did Leslie think? What if Brooklyn shows up now?
"You always this tense?" Kane asks between songs. I'm aware I look stiff as a board but I can't seem to relax.
"Just wondering where Brooklyn is." And a billion other things.
"Have another drink," Kane says, thrusting another Long Island in my hands. "Loosen up."
I roll my eyes but I drink it anyway. I need all the courage I can get. When I was with Kane at the marina, he was quiet, almost subdued. Tonight, he is the guy that Brooklyn can't keep her hands off of. He's sexy and commanding attention just standing there. He's the kind of guy I avoid and she is drawn to.
Miles watches me as they start into another song. This one is more upbeat and everyone in the bar starts to dance around us. There's a techno beat to this song that I never heard with any of their songs before. I even see the top of Leslie's head bouncing around up front.
"We might as well dance," Kane says, grabbing my hand and taking my drink out of the other. The move is so effortless and smooth it takes me a few seconds to realize what is happening. We are now in the center of the crowd that is quickly growing.
"I don't dance," I say, desperate to go back and hide by the bar. "Brooklyn is the dancer. Not me."
"Oh come on, London," Kane pleads. "We've been stood-up. Least we can do is have some fun while we are here."
I nervously glance up at the stage, barely able to see Miles through the dancing crowd. Kane takes the distraction to pull me against his chest. I have no choice but to hold his shoulders or fall on my face.
"He can't see you. Plus, he probably can't tell you're not Brooklyn."
Kane already has me swaying, holding me tight so I can't escape. The energy is contagious though because in a few seconds, I give in and start to dance. I don't want to always be the boring one. I work so hard at balancing out the extremes of my sister that I don't know if I actually do the things I want to.
Part of me wants to flee this dance floor because dancing with someone like Kane is so unlike me. Brooklyn should be here, impressing everyone around her with her body and dancing that she's spent so long perfecting. Does that mean that I can't dance at all?
Every beat loosens me up a little more, and I let myself forget about all the reasons I think I can't. I dance with Kane, letting him spin me and laughing at myself when I fall terribly out of rhythm. No one is watching us though. No one cares what we are doing.
The band plays three songs in a row that keep us dancing. The alcohol is getting to my head and I feel light, but Kane keeps me on my feet. His arm is wrapped around my waist, hand on my hip. It feels friendly, intimate but not sexual. It's a strange mixture and part of me wants to have balance, tipping our contact to either friendly or sexual. I never liked the gray between.
The music stops and the band goes for break. I am laughing on the way back to the bar, Kane towing me behind him. I start to order another Long Island when I feel Kane stiffen next to me.
"London?"
I turn to face Miles. Braxton and Leslie stand a few feet behind him, pretending not to be paying attention to us.
"Hey Miles," I say, my loud voice giving away just how tipsy I am. "You guys were great."
I throw my arms around his neck for a tight hug. With a slight buzz, from the alcohol and dancing, I just want the old friendship we used to have. I don't want to avoid him anymore.
"Thanks," he says as he gently releases my hold. "Your sister didn't show."
It's not a question. He doesn't sound surprised because he knows her as well as I do. There's a disappointment on his face that I hate. Brooklyn can piss me off to no end, but not Miles. Especially after she pointed out how much he's done for us.
"Nice of you to keep Kane occupied in her absence."
I can see Kane's hand on the bar tighten to a fist. I rest mine over it, hoping that I can hide not only his reaction but whatever he's feeling as well. I'm on high alert when I feel the tension reach red level
s. I start speaking without thinking.
"Sorry. Didn't know I couldn't have fun. I forgot that's her thing."
Leslie sighs and shakes her head at Miles behind him. He glares at me, biting his lip. I can tell he wants to yell. The man who's usually a calm and soothing sky blue is turning into a deep, navy blue. I see the tints of black filling in, tainting the gentleness in him.
"I didn't mean in like that, London. I'm glad you came."
Maybe it's not black I see seeping in. It's green. Like envy. Miles is jealous. He doesn't like Kane and I can't decide if it's because of me or Brooklyn. Which one of us does it bother him more to see with another guy?
"Make sure she doesn't drive," he tells Kane, who is still standing tense behind me. Miles leans forward and places a quick kiss to my cheek before leaving. Braxton follows and soon the guys are back on the stage.
"Sorry," I mumble, taking the fresh drinks from the server.
"No need," Kane says, paying for our drinks. "Should we go?"
I shake my head as the sound of Miles grabbing the mic silences the bar.
"I got something new for you guys tonight," Miles says, earning several cheers. "I hope you guys like it. It's very personal to me."
Kane comes to stand next to me, his hand touching my lower back lightly. The slow and hypnotic notes of Miles's guitar fill the space. It's a haunting tune that pulls at something sad inside me. I feel sad just from the melody, but I don't understand why.
Miles's voice joins the strums of his guitar. The drums slowly follow, along with the keyboard. Each instrument sneaking in, adding but never overshadowing Miles's words. I hear each one loud and clear.
The first words are about love so fierce that it burns. He sings of fire and flames. Each verse is pulled from his chest, pouring out over the stage and the people watching in respectable silence. Images from my nightmares play in my head along with his words.
He sings of loving someone so untouchable that he has burns and scars to prove it. A love that is indestructible but invisible. He loves so deeply that he breaks. Everything around them turns to ash.
Kane's touch gets firmer as my knees get weak. Every word feels like it's personal and aimed at me.