* * *
James arrived late at the ball, having first waited to hear what Sam and Lawson had to say about their visit to Briggs. He looked for Antonia as soon as he came into the ballroom, but saw she was dancing with William Chatteris in a set of country dances, and went to find some refreshment. He looked for her again when he returned to the ballroom, but, though he was sure she saw him, she turned away and nodded to one of the young men surrounding her. In no time she was away again with her new partner down to the other end of the room. James waited patiently until the dance was nearly over, then started off to meet her. But he was too late. She had already taken to the floor, for the second time, with William Chatteris. To all appearances she was clearly enjoying herself, perfectly at ease with her partner, laughing with him as he guided her through the steps of the quadrille. James stopped where he was, and made an effort to control his temper. What was Antonia up to? Earlier in the day he had thought they had reached an understanding…
‘Lovely to watch, aren’t they?’ commented Sir Charles Stainforth, who had come to join him. ‘They’re putting bets on young William’s chances, though I wouldn’t rate them overhigh myself.’
‘Chances of what?’
Sir Charles gazed at him in astonishment. ‘Chances of winning the young lady, my dear boy! What else would they be? Everyone knows her father is looking for a husband for her.’
‘You mean…people think that An—Miss Calverley might…But she—’ James stopped abruptly, and hoped that the town’s most notorious gossip had not seen how disconcerted he was. He managed to say casually, ‘What makes you think Chatteris would have any chance at all?’
Sir Charles looked surprised. ‘Why not? Chatteris is eminently eligible and has the same diplomatic background as her father—they’d have plenty to talk about. But I wouldn’t put my money on him. He’s pleasant enough, but a touch too staid. I’d say he’s just not up to her weight. There are others who would make far more interesting partners for life for her. And, judging by tonight, he’ll have plenty of competition. She was her mother’s heiress, you know, and there are any number of eligible young men who would be tempted by Miss Calverley and her fortune.’
They watched the dancers in silence for a while, then James asked, ‘What about the lady herself? What has she to say to all this?’
‘She doesn’t seem to prefer anyone as yet.’ Sir Charles gave him a sly glance and laughed. ‘I shouldn’t think you’d be in the running, Aldhurst! She didn’t seem to like you much at the Carterets’.’
The quadrille had ended some minutes ago, but Antonia and Chatteris were still carrying on an animated conversation. What on earth could they be talking about all this time? James forced himself to smile and say, ‘Oh, that’s all in the past, Stainforth! Miss Calverley and I have since become quite good friends. In fact, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just have a word with her now…’ He nodded to Sir Charles, who was now looking very interested, and crossed the room to where she was standing. As he approached he saw her look teasingly at Chatteris with laughter in her eyes. That look was achingly familiar…It belonged to him! What the devil was she doing directing it at Chatteris? It had to stop!
He reached the couple, said politely but firmly, ‘Good evening, Miss Calverley,’ and nodded at her partner. ‘Chatteris.’
Antonia turned. ‘Lord Aldhurst!’ Her smile faded, and her manner became markedly cooler.
‘Are you engaged for the next dance?’ he demanded. She stiffened and James was conscious that the question had lacked the cool elegance for which he was famous. He tried to improve it with a smile. But it didn’t work. Antonia said coolly, ‘I’m afraid I am.’
‘The next, then, perhaps?’ he said in a more conciliatory tone.
Antonia paused, took a breath then, said very firmly, ‘I’m so sorry. But I’m afraid my card is quite full for the rest of the evening.’
James studied her. In the face of such a snub any gentleman would bow and leave. He stayed. ‘You promised to save me a dance,’ he said. ‘After our ride this morning.’ Antonia’s colour rose.
‘No, Lord Aldhurst,’ she said stiffly. ‘I did not promise. You told me to save you one.’
Chatteris looked as if he was about to intervene, but James silenced him with a glance. ‘Excuse me, Chatteris. May I?’ he asked, and without waiting for a reply took Antonia’s arm and led her away. ‘What is this nonsense?’
‘Take your hands off me, Lord Aldhurst!’ she whispered. ‘Do you want every gossip in the room to start talking?’
‘I don’t care about them. Tell me what I’ve done to make you angry.’
‘Nothing, I assure you. Why should I be angry with you?’
James marched her out on to the balcony. Here he stopped and turned her to face him. ‘Tell me why you’ve been ignoring me? Why you won’t dance with me. And why you’re flirting with young Chatteris? He’s not for you.’
Colour flamed in her cheeks. ‘What right have you, Lord Aldhurst, to censure or even comment on anything I choose to do? I was not flirting! And why should you care if I was?’
He began, ‘The right of a man who—’ He stopped. ‘A man who doesn’t like to see you wasting your time on Chatteris. Or indeed, on anyone who would assuredly bore you within a week, however eligible and worthy they might be.’
‘I was not wasting my time! Lord William is not a bore! And I was not flirting with him. In fact, I was enjoying a conversation with a friend, whose manners are considerably better than yours! And now I shall go back to him.’
She turned to go, but James put a hand on her arm to stop her. ‘Don’t go, Antonia! Were you angry with me because I was late?’
‘Really, my lord, supposing I even noticed you were, why on earth should it affect me?’
He took her hands in his. ‘No reason. I suppose I just hoped it would.’
She looked down. He said softly, ‘But whatever it is that I’ve done to offend you, I hope you’ll forgive me for it.’ He lifted her chin with a finger and made her look at him. ‘Dance with me now. It sounded to me this morning as if you did promise, you know. It meant something.’ For a moment it looked as if she would refuse. But he held her eyes with his own, and after a moment she gave a resigned little shrug. ‘Very well. Shall we go back into the ballroom?’
It was, of course, a waltz and as he put his hand on her waist he heard her give a small sigh and follow his lead onto the floor. They danced for the most part in silence. The temptation to hold her as closely, as lovingly, as he had held her at Roade was very strong, but, aware of the many curious eyes on them, he resisted it. Just once, when a turn brought their bodies into closer contact, Antonia drew in her breath and faltered and he held her more tightly until she had recovered. But if he had hoped she would spend more time with him after this he was wrong. At the end of the dance she curtsied and was off again with yet another partner.
* * *
She had been resolute in refusing to dance with him again. For the rest of the evening James had to watch from the side of the room, or take a frustrated walk round Lady Atheridge’s conservatory. He did not ask anyone else to dance with him. After that waltz, the idea of holding anyone else in his arms was totally unappealing. Antonia, he thought bitterly, did not appear to have the same difficulty. She continued to be besieged on every side by willing partners and she danced every dance, though he did notice that some of her sparkle had gone. In the end he could bear it no longer and went to have a quiet word with Sir Henry. The next time Antonia came off the floor he was ready for her. ‘I believe Lady Pendell is looking for you, Miss Calverley,’ he said. ‘She thinks Sir Henry is getting tired and needs an excuse to leave. May I take you to her?’
Antonia must have been weary, for she went with him without comment. Before he left her he reminded her that he would see her the next morning.
She shook her head, and said in a low voice, ‘I don’t think I can ride tomorrow. I…I’m very tired. Goodnight, Lord Aldhurst.’ And s
he was gone, leaving him with the uneasy feeling that unless he acted quickly he was in danger of losing her, after all.
* * *
Tired though she was, Antonia could not rest. Tonight had proved to her how impossible it was to forget her feelings for James Aldhurst. He had only to smile at her and take her hands in his, and she had found it impossible to refuse him. After that waltz the rest of the evening had been a wasteland. She got up and paced about the room, and after a struggle decided that, even if it eventually led to heartbreak, she would be happier for the present enjoying his company, talking to him, riding, dancing. She would even listen to his explanation of his green lady if he wished! And afterwards, when he finally went back to this ‘green lady’, she would ask her father to take her abroad again.
* * *
The decision made, she went back to bed, pausing on her way to pick up the posy of violets and hold them for a moment under her nose. The scent was still fresh, bringing solace to her bruised heart, and it lingered in the air as she eventually fell asleep. Pictures floated in and out of her dreams without logic or reason—images of an old house with a garden surrounded by a wall, of flickering firelight in a book-lined room, a chequerboard pattern of black and white, sunshine and shade on a long path and a graceful white house at the end of it…and a shadowy figure in the background. But when she tried to see it all more clearly it faded and dissolved.
She woke early and lay thinking. She must have seen those houses at some time or other—they had been very real. Antonia forgot her heartache as she wrestled with her memory. Where had she seen them? Had it been during those missing days? She attempted to visualise the houses again, to remember anything about them that could help her link what she knew with what she had forgotten. But it was like trying to take hold of floating mist. The harder she tried, the further away the images drifted. She buried her face in her hands with a cry of despair. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she remember?
* * *
Antonia was pale and heavy-eyed when she came down later that morning. But to her surprise Blandish informed her that Lord Aldhurst had called and was asking to see her.
‘Lord Aldhurst? To see me? I don’t think I—’
‘Sir Henry has had a word with his lordship, and has left him in the library, Miss Calverley.’
Antonia wondered if James had come to talk about the incident in the park. It was unlikely—he knew she didn’t want her father to be told—but why else would he call? She followed Blandish to the library.
James was standing with his back to the window, but she could see that he looked serious. ‘You look pale,’ were his first words. ‘Are you ill? Was it yesterday’s fright? Or have you been doing too much?’
‘No,’ she said cautiously. There was a silence. ‘Is that what you came for? To ask about my health?’ she asked finally. ‘You needn’t have. I’m stronger than I look.’
He shook his head, then said with a rueful laugh, ‘No, that isn’t it. That isn’t it at all! I had planned so carefully what I was going to say, but when you came in just now I was reminded of how you looked when I first—’ He stopped and started again. ‘The fact is, Miss Calverley, that I very much hope you will agree to marry me.’
‘M-marry you?’ she faltered. His words were so far from what she had expected to hear that she had to clutch the back of a chair in a chaotic mixture of shock and incredulity, delight and doubt. What did his proposal mean? She thought…no, she was sure that he was in love with someone else, so what did this mean? He was looking at her, waiting for her answer. She must say something, play for time. She said again, ‘Marry you? But…but we hardly know one another!’
He seemed to be choosing his words carefully as he said, ‘Do you think so? I feel that we know one another better than these past days would lead you to expect. Do you…have you not felt the same?’
Antonia still could hardly believe she had heard him properly. Holding on to the chair for dear life she stammered, ‘Does…does my father know about this?’
‘Of course,’ he said. He smiled at her. ‘Don’t look so surprised—I am really a very conventional man. I have your father’s approval. But…I need yours, too.’ He came over to her, and took her hands in his. ‘Could you…like me enough to marry me?’
Shock and doubt gave way to longing. The temptation to put her arms around his neck was almost too strong, to pull his face down to hers, to have him hold her closely, so closely that she wouldn’t be able to breathe. The tension mounted between them, and he leaned forwards and bent his head. He was going to kiss her and she would be lost…
‘No!’ she said, pulling away. ‘No, I can’t! I mustn’t.’
He was breathing rather quickly, but let her go. ‘Why…not?’
Antonia would have given anything she had to say she would. Green lady or not, she loved him and would be prepared to take whatever he had to offer. But how could she promise to marry any man she loved, while the threat of scandalous exposure hung over her like a cloud? ‘I…I can’t,’ she repeated.
He looked closely at her. ‘You haven’t said you don’t like me enough,’ he said slowly. ‘In fact, I think you do.’ His face cleared and he smiled as he pulled her back again. ‘You do, don’t you?’ His face was so close to hers…
‘Whether I do or not, I still can’t marry you,’ she said in a whisper.
He was still for a moment. Then he smiled and nodded his head. His hand came up and caressed her cheek. ‘Antonia, you will marry me,’ he said softly. ‘I think I know why you’re saying you can’t, and, I promise you, it doesn’t matter at all. I know.’
‘What? What do you know?’
‘I know about that gap in your life. And it doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference. Trust me.’
‘How do you know? Who told you?’
He hesitated. After a pause he said carefully, ‘Your father and I talked about it. He told me what had happened to you in Portsmouth and how you lost your memory after the accident. You can’t remember anything about the time that followed. Is that right?’
She nodded. ‘How can I marry anyone when my life has such a mystery about it?’ she said miserably.
Now both hands were holding her face while he looked into her eyes. ‘I am not anyone, Antonia. And I want to marry you. I intended to wait a little longer before I asked you, but after that business in the Park yesterday, and…one or two other things, I’ve changed my mind. You’re…important to me. I want to be sure you’re safe.’
‘Safe?’
‘Your father doesn’t seem to think that Croxton is much of a threat, but I believe he is. Lawson confirmed last night that yesterday’s attack by the dog wasn’t just a matter of chance. This man Briggs set him on to your horse quite deliberately. You could have been killed. I…I thought for a moment that you would be.’
‘You haven’t told my father about it, have you?’ said Antonia instantly anxious. ‘He mustn’t be worried.’
‘No, I haven’t. But Lawson and I are worried and so should you! Croxton wants revenge.’
‘What do you suggest we do about him?’
He shook his head. ‘First things first, Antonia! I’m still waiting for your answer. Are you going to say you’ll marry me or not?’
She studied him, still unable to believe he meant it, not quite daring to ask him about the lady in the green riding habit. ‘Tell me why you want me to.’
He looked at her with a hint of amusement in his eyes. ‘Why do you think? The usual reasons, of course!’ After a pause he added more seriously, ‘I want to protect you.’
‘Is that all?’
Lord Aldhurst was no longer amused. Almost angrily he said, ‘Oh, Antonia, how can you be so blind?’ Then he pulled her into his arms, quite roughly. ‘This is why I asked you!’ he said, kissing her hard. Then he muttered something and kissed her again more passionately, pulling her closer, moulding her to his long, powerful body.
For a delirious moment of madness she revelled
in the feelings aroused by the touch of his lips on hers, the strength of the arms around her, but then she pulled away, and exclaimed angrily, ‘Lord Aldhurst!’ Shocked and ashamed, she was even angrier with herself than with him. She could not remember ever having been kissed with such intensity before, and her own passionate desire to respond was almost frightening. Properly brought-up young ladies simply did not have such feelings—or if they had they didn’t admit to them.
They looked at one another in silence. He seemed to be waiting for something, some further reaction from her, but when it didn’t come he looked…disappointed. Antonia was asking herself what had happened to her. She had prided herself till now on her ability to remain cool-headed, in command of herself in any situation, however difficult. But now she saw that before meeting James Aldhurst she had never come across real temptation. When he kissed her she was lost in a sea of emotion, tempted to abandon years of self-control, to forget all her pride. Her blood was still racing, her heart still pounding at the memory of what she had felt in his arms. She stared up at the man who had brought it about, with something like fear in her eyes.
‘How is it that you have such an effect on me?’ she whispered.
He said unsteadily, ‘If I were to tell you—’ Then he stopped abruptly and shook his head. After a moment he began again. ‘I’m James Aldhurst, who…wants only the best for you. I’m sorry if I frightened you.’
‘You didn’t frighten me. It was more…more that I shocked myself with what I felt.’
‘You mustn’t be shocked,’ he said swiftly. ‘Marry me, and I promise you that I will take care of you, and do everything I can to keep you safe and happy as long as I live. Always. Trust me, Antonia. Please trust me.’
She believed he meant what he said, that he would take care of her and try to make her happy…But he hadn’t actually said he loved her. How could he? He loved someone else. She had to know. She took a breath and took the plunge. ‘Tell me first about the lady in green!’
Reawakening Miss Calverley Page 19