Diagnosis: Daddy

by Gina Wilkins

  “I could hardly be mad when I was as much a participant as you were. But still…“

  “Still.” He pushed his hand through his hair, settling it back into place. “Probably not a good idea.”

  “Not if we want to keep things the way they have been between us,” she agreed evenly.

  “Platonic. Friendly. Easy.”

  She wasn’t so sure about the easy part, but she nodded. “Something along those lines.”

  Pushing his fingertips into the pockets of his jeans, he studied her face, his own expression hard to read. “Did you ever think about it? Us, I mean? Maybe being more than just friends.”

  Moistening her lips, she glanced down at her hands, which were linked in front of her as a means of hiding their trembling. “The thought has crossed my mind on occasion.”

  “And…?”

  “And it scares the stuffing out of me,” she admitted on a rush.

  “Because…?”

  “Because neither of us has a very good record with relationships. Because I’ve never been able to maintain a casual friendship after a breakup. And because you mean far too much to me to risk losing you by giving in to curiosity or proximity or whatever other excuse we might use.”

  He seemed struck by her candidness. Squeezing the back of his neck, he exhaled slowly. “All very good points.”

  “I thought so.”

  “And yet…”

  “And yet…” They’d still kissed. And the heat of that kiss still burned inside her, banked but ready to ignite again with the slightest touch.

  “The odds are definitely stacked against us,” he murmured with what might have been a touch of regret.

  She nodded glumly. “You have years of medical training ahead. You barely have time to breathe, much less concentrate on an experimental relationship. I have career goals of my own. And we have to think about Alexis—she’s been through enough upheaval. Our arrangement has been working pretty well so far. I don’t think this is the time to change it.”

  “We can’t go on like this indefinitely. This roommate/nanny thing, I mean.”

  “We never intended for it to be permanent. It’s just until you’re past the first two years of med school and I’m ready to start my doctoral training. Until Alexis feels settled and secure with you and we can make other arrangements for her out-of-school care.”

  “So we pretend this never happened.”

  She lifted a shoulder. “I’m not sure that’s possible. We’ll consider it a pleasant interlude that’s better if not repeated. For many reasons. For all our sakes.”

  He smiled, but there was no humor in his eyes. “Very wise. Logical and sensible.”

  Was he mocking her? She eyed him hesitantly, unable to read this new mood. “Connor—”

  Backing away, he held up his hands, palms outward. “You’re right, of course. As always. Thanks for sharing the movie and dinner with me tonight, Mia. I needed the break. And now, I’d better get back to studying. I’ll be in my room with my books if you need anything.”

  He was gone before she had a chance to respond. She heard his bedroom door close with a firm snap that was just short of a slam.

  Testosterone, she reminded herself unsteadily. It wasn’t easy for a guy to go from revved up to idle in a few short minutes. Wasn’t easy for her either, for that matter, she thought as another deep shudder coursed through her.

  But they were doing the right thing. She was sure that once he’d had time to regroup a little, Connor would agree with her. He’d probably even be grateful that she’d spared them any future regrets if they’d let things get out of hand between them tonight. As for any other type of regrets…

  Shaking her head, she moved toward the kitchen, hoping a cup of herbal tea would help her relax enough to even consider sleeping.

  A pleasant interlude.

  Mia’s prim words echoed in Connor’s head long after midnight as he sat at the battered little desk in his bedroom, glowering at the barely touched stack of books and notes in front of him.

  Was that really all it had been to her? The explosive kiss had damned near knocked him on his butt, leaving him hard and aching and almost incoherent, and that was how she described it? A pleasant interlude?

  Either he wasn’t nearly as good a kisser as he’d believed…or she had been downplaying like crazy.

  Whatever the reason, she’d made it clear enough that she wasn’t interested in taking full advantage of the remainder of their night of privacy.

  She was probably right about the reasons why they shouldn’t cross any more lines between them, he conceded grudgingly. All of her arguments were logical and credible. He was in no position to start anything with her or anyone else. He had to put consideration of his daughter before any desire of his own. And he did have a lousy track record with women—although he couldn’t say he appreciated Mia pointing that out at that particular moment.

  Yet he was still sulking. Was it because she’d been the one to effectively call a halt and not him? Or because he hadn’t wanted to stop at all? Maybe he secretly believed it might have been worth the fallout had they taken those powerful kisses to their logical conclusion.

  Growling beneath his breath, he threw himself on his bed and stared up at the ceiling, doubting he’d manage much sleep, if any, that night. Aware that Mia lay just down the hall—was she sleeping? Or lying awake thinking about him? And of what might have been between them that night?

  Maybe tomorrow he would be relieved that they’d reined themselves in. But tonight, his body aching and his thoughts chaotic, gratitude was the last thing on his mind.

  Mia, Connor and Alexis joined her family in Hot Springs for a big Thanksgiving dinner. Connor’s dad was out of town on one of his many sales trips, so Connor would have been on his own for the holiday had Mia not invited him to her family’s gathering. It had taken a little arm-twisting to convince him to accept, but he’d given in when Alexis had added her pleas.

  Watching him talking and laughing with her father and brother as they followed a ball game on her dad’s big-screen TV, Mia thought he was probably glad he’d let himself be persuaded. He’d certainly enjoyed the meal, putting away impressive amounts of the food she and her mother and sister-in-law had prepared, and he seemed to be having a good time now.

  “Guys and their ball games.” Carla shook her head in bemusement as she and Mia wiped down the kitchen counters while Mia’s mom watched the kids play in the backyard on this pleasantly mild afternoon. “Your Connor certainly fits in well with those sports nuts.”

  Although she tried to smile, Mia felt the need to point out, “He’s not my Connor.”

  “Figure of speech,” Carla assured her airily, filling the kettle for tea.

  Mia still wasn’t convinced that her family didn’t secretly believe there was something more between her and Connor than friendship. She’d been aware that they’d watched them all afternoon with varying degrees of subtlety. If Connor had been conscious of the scrutiny, he’d done a good job of masking it. He’d been quite charming during the meal, answering questions about his medical studies, talking sports with her dad and brother, teasing the children, looking perfectly at home.

  She liked seeing him here among them. Liked it a bit too much, probably, but that was her problem, and one she would keep to herself.

  Things weren’t exactly back to normal between her and Connor since that lapse of judgment last week, but they’d both made every effort to pretend nothing had changed. Connor had immersed himself in his studies again, and Mia had busied herself with work and Alexis. Mia and Connor hadn’t been alone together since Alexis had returned from her sleepover, bubbling with excitement and stories about all the fun she’d had with McKenzie and Kayla.

  Just as well, she assured herself. She and Connor didn’t need to put themselves into any more potentially precarious situations.

  She just wished she could make herself stop thinking about those kisses. Dreaming about what might have been…
>
  “Mia?” Carla sounded as if she’d spoken more than once. “Are you listening?”

  She blinked and focused on her sister-in-law. “Oh, sorry. I guess I let my mind wander. What were you saying?”

  “I asked how things are going at school.”

  “Oh. Fine. Busy.”

  “Have you thought about when you’re going to start grad school? You’re still planning to earn your doctorate, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, of course. Why would I have changed my mind about that?”

  Carla shrugged and busied herself making the tea. “No reason.”

  Realizing she might have sounded a bit defensive, Mia forced a smile. “I still fully intend to pursue that degree. But for now I’m enjoying my job and taking care of Alexis. She really is a joy to be around.”

  “I can tell. She’s crazy about you, you know.”

  “The feeling is mutual.”

  She changed the subject. “How’s the florist business lately? I suppose you’re already getting busy with Christmas orders?”

  Carla began to chat about the decorating jobs already lined up for her florist business. She had several customers who hired her to come into their homes and businesses and handle all the decorations, inside and out, from centerpieces to entryways to mantels and banisters and coordinated Christmas trees. It would be a busy but profitable month for her, she said in satisfaction. Which led to talk about Christmas shopping and how much fun it would be for Mia to share the holidays with Alexis, who was already eagerly anticipating Christmas activities.

  One hurdle at a time, Mia counseled herself as she and Carla went outside to join her mom and the children. Christmas. The end of the school year for all three of them. Summer. New plans and arrangements for all of them. Somehow it would all work out. Maybe she’d gotten into this situation on impulse, but painstaking planning and implementation would get them successfully through the challenges that lay ahead. It was all a matter of keeping her head about her, of balancing Alexis’s best interests with her own, of being very careful not to forget what she was doing and why.

  She could feel the bonds of responsibility closing around her. That evening, alone in her room in Connor’s house, she sat awake for several hours, worrying about the future and whether she had signed her own away when she’d moved in here. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. But that had been before she’d met Alexis and completely lost her heart to the child. Before she and Connor had shared kisses that had rocked her to her very soul.

  She had been living contentedly on her own before these changes had taken place in her life. Would she be able to go back to that existence when she was no longer needed here? And how would she know when that time had come?

  “Can I get anyone something else to drink? Need more coffee, Ron?”

  Connor was aware that hosting didn’t come as naturally to him as it did to James, but he tried to remember to make the effort occasionally when the study group met at his place as they were on this second Thursday evening in December. They’d had to meet here tonight because Mia was out for a holiday party with friends from work and wouldn’t be home until late. Connor couldn’t leave Alexis alone, but the group had wanted to go over lecture notes, so he’d invited them here.

  Alexis hadn’t been a problem. She’d played quietly in her room until bedtime and she’d been sound asleep when he’d checked on her half an hour after tucking her in. That had been twenty minutes ago, and he hadn’t heard a peep from her room.

  “I’d take some more coffee,” Ron agreed, pushing away from the table and stretching. “I’ll bring the carafe if anyone else wants a refill.”

  “Your house looks nice,” Haley commented, looking beyond him to the living room. The tree Mia and Alexis had decorated sat in the front window, its multicolored lights glowing cheerily. “Very festive.”

  The mantel was decorated with a nativity set nestled into a bed of evergreen boughs and three stockings hung from brass hangers. His was green quilted satin, Mia’s white and Alexis’s red. The stockings had been a gift from Mia’s mother, who’d made them herself and embroidered their names across the top. It still startled Connor occasionally to see them hanging so familiarly together on his fireplace.

  Beautifully wrapped gifts were already arranged beneath the tree, although Connor had yet to find time to do any shopping of his own. He supposed most of these were for Mia’s family members. She’d agreed to do his shopping for Alexis whenever she could snatch a couple of free hours; Alexis had made it quite clear that she expected Santa to visit on Christmas Eve. Whether the child still actually believed in Santa, he couldn’t say, but she was still playing into the holiday traditions with an enthusiasm that was hard to resist.

  His house smelled of greenery and cinnamon and peppermint, all thanks to Mia and Alexis. He couldn’t help remembering last Christmas, when he hadn’t even bothered to put up a tree. He wouldn’t have had one this year either, if it hadn’t been for the girls, he admitted to himself. Although he wished he had a little more time to enjoy their efforts, he found himself appreciating the holiday cheer when he dragged in after a long day in the classroom, the lab, the library or the ICM exam rooms. Or all of the above.

  “Thanks,” he said to Haley. “I can’t take credit for any of it, of course.”

  “Tell me about it,” she said wearily. “I haven’t had time to buy the first gift. Heaven knows when I’m going to get to my shopping.”

  “I haven’t put up a tree either,” Anne admitted, rejoining them at the table. “I thought about it, but it just didn’t seem worth the effort.”

  “Me either.” Ron looked across the table with a grin. “Bet you’ve got one, don’t you, James?”

  James shrugged negligently. “My housekeeper put one up in the living room,” he admitted. “Just a small one.”

  Connor was no more surprised than the others appeared to be. James always seemed to have time to observe society’s formalities. Although Connor knew little about his classmate’s background, he suspected that James came from money and the upper social echelons. Not that he was snooty or anything; just the opposite, in fact. He was gracious, generous and pleasant to everyone. But there was always a part of himself held in reserve, a part Connor suspected few people were privileged to see.

  It was difficult not to envy the ease with which everything seemed to come to James, who didn’t seem to need to study with the same ferocity as the rest of the group. Still, Connor had to admit that James had never bragged about his placement at the top of the class and had not once looked down at the rest of them for having to work a little harder to do well.

  Anne was beginning to look tense again. She opened her histology binder. “About today’s lecture…”

  Connor knew she was obsessing about the histology final next week, in addition to the last gross anatomy exam before the two-week winter break. When they returned in January, they would pick up a couple more classes in addition to the remainder of gross anatomy. He was already wondering how he would manage; he figured Anne was stressing about that, too.

  They would survive this, he thought, turning his thoughts back to their studying. Or so he’d been told.

  They’d been discussing the notes for another forty minutes or so when they heard a cry from the back of the house. “Mia! Mia!”

  Connor grimaced and pushed himself away from the table. “Sounds like she had a bad dream.”

  He’d hoped the nightmares were over. As far as he knew, she hadn’t had one since before the sleepover with her friends.

  “Poor baby,” Anne murmured as he headed for the doorway. “I used to have nightmares when I was little.”

  As wound up as Anne always was, Connor wouldn’t be surprised if she still suffered from them.

  “Mia,” Alexis sobbed again as Connor entered her room. “I had a bad dream.”

  He approached her bed, swallowing nervously. He hadn’t handled one of these on his own before. He hoped he didn’t make a mess
of this. “It’s okay, princess,” he said soothingly. “I’m right here.”

  Burrowed into her covers with Pete clutched tightly in her arms, Alexis shook her head against the pillow. He could just see her tear-streaked face in the pale blue illumination from the night-light; her lower lip protruded noticeably. “I want Mia.”

  “Mia isn’t here right now, honey. Will I do?”

  “No! I want Mia. M-Mia.”

  He tried not to take the rejection personally. He wasn’t even sure she was fully awake. Sitting carefully on the side of the bed, he placed a hand on her arm, speaking a little more firmly. “Mia isn’t here, Alexis. She’ll be home soon. In the meantime, I’ll sit with you, if you like, until you go back to sleep.”

  Her only response was a wail.

  Frustration built inside him. He hadn’t a clue how to handle this. Obviously, his daughter was finding no comfort in his presence. He wondered if she would respond, perhaps, to Anne. Or Haley. Maybe she just needed a woman’s comforting touch.

  While he was still trying to decide what to say next, she whimpered one last time and turned on her side, facing away from him, her stuffed cat snuggled to her face. Her breath caught a few more times, and he thought he heard her whisper Mia’s name, but then her breathing steadied and deepened. Within a few minutes, he was pretty sure she had fallen asleep. He sat there a few minutes more, just to be sure, his ego stinging and his heart aching. And then he stood and slipped out of the room.

  His friends were still deeply engrossed in the lecture notes. Haley glanced around with a smile when he rejoined them. “Is she asleep again?”

  “Yeah.” He snatched up his coffee cup and refilled it, hoping to ward off any more questions. He didn’t really want to discuss his woeful lack of parenting skills with his fellow students.

  Christmas, for Mia, passed in a blur of activities. Her school programs. End-of-semester chores. Alexis’s school party and dance class party. Shopping and baking. Wrapping and delivering.

  On Christmas Eve, she and Alexis attended a six o’clock candlelight service at Mia’s church. Afterward, Duncan joined them at the house for a dinner Mia had prepared and to open gifts with his son and granddaughter. Alexis was already very fond of her pop, who spoiled her with lavish presents and teased her into breathless giggles.