Trigger

by Julia Derek

  The push came just as my vision fully returned. At first, I didn’t realize what had happened, too busy to steady myself, avoid falling down the steep mountain and break my neck on the ground below that had to be at least thirty yards away. I was dangerously close to the edge. It was with the use of all my strength and balance skills that I managed not to fall off the precipice, contracting my abdominals as I leaned in the other direction.

  Only when I had steadied myself finally and saw Nina run away from me, down the dirt road we had come on, did my brain compute what must have happened.

  Nina just tried to push me off the fucking cliff.

  But why would she do such a thing? I looked after her shrinking body. Had it been an accident? Yes, it must have been an accident. I caught her throwing a glance over her shoulder, in my direction. But why is she running like that if it was an accident? If it had been an accident, she would have stayed, trying to correct her flub, wouldn’t she?

  Oh, God… I was suddenly nauseous.

  It had been intentional then. The realization filled me with a terrible sensation that prickled my skin.

  I stared after her as she kept getting smaller and smaller, not at all feeling inclined to go after her. It didn’t really matter why she had tried to push me, I decided. What mattered was that she had done it at all.

  What normal person would try to push anyone down a high cliff to their likely death? I couldn’t think of any reason that would justify such an action. Something must be seriously wrong with this girl. Really, really wrong… I glanced down the precipice and a shudder went through me. If I hadn’t died from the fall, I would surely have ended up in a wheelchair, utterly incapacitated for the rest of my life. Which would almost be worse than dying. Thank God I had managed to catch myself. I supposed I had my almost daily Crossfit sessions to thank for that.

  I turned back to look in the direction Nina had run in. She was no longer within my range of vision.

  Nina

  I was running so hard down the mountain, my lungs hurt like I had breathed in a cloud of sand. Only when I was almost all the way down to the parking lot where Dylan’s car was parked next to a few other vehicles did I dare slow down a little, turn around and see if Dylan was after me. Gasping for breath, I gazed up the long dirt trail I had just covered. It was empty and I couldn’t see anything but trees and undergrowth and stone on either side of it. A frightened little animal, a squirrel perhaps, crossed the road and disappeared behind a bush, reminding me of the snake in our path. I searched the ground where I was standing for signs of more snakes.

  I kept looking a few more seconds to be sure I was in the clear. Then I turned around and continued to move away from where I had left Dylan, but at a slower pace now that I felt safer, having covered such a distance already.

  There was something that was not right about Dylan, something that scared the shit out of me. And it had nothing to do with fear of getting close to a man. I was absolutely certain of that now. It was something much worse and that was why I had pushed him so hard. I’d needed him to get away from me and fast. The feeling had come over me right after he’d pulled me back to my feet. Being close to him was too dangerous. It made me feel suffocated, as though someone was strangling me, similar to the way I’d felt in his apartment but ten times stronger. I’d been convinced he’d do something to me, something bad, really bad.

  Bad as in killing me.

  I began half running, toward the asphalted road we had driven on to get to the hiking area’s parking lot. How would I get out of there? I needed to get home, crawl under my sheets and stay there until the terrible feeling that had me so tightly enclosed disappeared. But I was several miles away from home, and the last thing I wanted was to walk all the way to West L.A. Besides, there was only one way out of the hiking area, which meant that, were Dylan to come down soon, he’d be driving right by me. The very thought of being close to him again made me pick up my pace. I glanced at the parking lot. Despite the fact there were four other vehicles besides Dylan’s there, it was eerily quiet. If only one of the other hikers would show up… I supposed it was a just matter of time before someone else came by, but who knew how long that would take? Or if they’d want to give me a ride home. I didn’t feel like waiting around to see.

  I glanced down my side and discovered the small fanny pack around my hips. Thank God I had attached it despite it being so incredibly ugly. I needed to have my smartphone with me at all times, but my pockets were too small and a tote bag was too big and unwieldy to drag along during a hiking trip that the fanny pack had been my only option. I opened the zipper and found my phone. What time was it? Almost three p.m. That meant Ricki was probably working and couldn’t pick me up. I tried her anyway. As expected, Ricki’s voicemail picked up. Instead of leaving a message, I typed in a text and sent it, telling Ricki to call me when she saw it, that it was urgent.

  I tried Nixon next.

  “Hi Nina,” he said after a few rings went through.

  “Hi. What are you doing? Are you busy?” The words came out in a rush.

  “Just reading a book. Why? Is everything okay? You sound totally strung out. You high or something?” I could tell Nixon had meant that last comment as a joke, but I wasn’t in the mood to be joking around. I needed to get the hell out of there and now.

  “No,” I said. “Something bad happened. I really need your help. Can you come get me?”

  “What’s going on? Where are you?” Nixon sounded worried now.

  “Right by the parking lot at the bottom of the Santa Monica Mountains, where all the hiking trails meet. You know where that is?”

  “Yeah, I think so. How did you end up there without your car?”

  “I’ll tell you when you come get me. When can you be here?”

  “If I’m lucky with traffic, it shouldn’t take me more than twenty, twenty-five minutes.”

  I told him I’d wait for him and to call me when he was close. I could hide from Dylan between the other cars or behind the little cottage with the restrooms until Nixon showed up. One way or another I’d find a way to make sure Dylan didn’t spot me.

  Dylan

  I wasn’t sure how long I remained by the cliff, staring after a long gone Nina. It must have been several minutes. I felt empty inside, deplete of any emotion. I had searched my mind for what I must have done to upset Nina to such a degree, desperately wanting to find a good-enough reason to clear her from having tried to hurt me like that. But I had come up with nothing and instead found myself forced to admit the simple truth, as sad as it was, that Nina must be crazy. Stark raving mad. There was no other explanation for what she had done. I shouldn’t be too surprised. She was after all from a broken home, a bad family. A lot of people with that background were mentally unstable. She hadn’t even finished college—community college. The way she had rushed out of my place that first time should have totally tipped me off that she was a nutcase. I had been way too forgiving.

  I started walking slowly down the trek, in no mood to run into her again. I didn’t think I would, though, the way she had been running away from me. It was almost as if she’d thought I would do something to hurt her. But why the hell would she think that? It made no sense. Well, at least her being a psycho explained why she was so good in bed. I laughed without mirth. I couldn’t believe I had thought I actually loved this girl. I shook my head. It was embarrassing. My dick might have been in love, but that was it.

  She was not in the parking lot when I reached it several minutes later. Except for a few other cars and a couple of ladies walking across it, I was the only person or thing there. Still feeling like an empty shell—-so empty it actually hurt—-I jumped into my car and drove off. I had only driven a few minutes when another car, a green Jeep that an ethnic-looking guy occupied, met me, driving a tad too fast for such a narrow road. I barely avoided scratching my car as we passed each other. I cursed the careless driver through gritted teeth as I watched the jeep disappear in the rearview mirror.


  I wasn’t in the mood to drive home, so I continued on the 405 highway, in the direction of San Diego. The thought of sitting in my apartment was not appealing. I was sure it would only make me feel worse. Pushing down the gas pedal, I picked up speed as I cruised down the road, zigzagging between cars while listening to really loud alternative rock. The music booming in my ears managed to block out the discomfort that lived within me, and I entered a zone that made me completely numb. I kept driving and driving, only vaguely noticing how the sun was disappearing and the sky darkening.

  It took a couple hours before my mind returned to reality. By that time, I had reached San Diego and was just passing through the city border. Realizing what I was doing and that my gas tank was dangerously close to being empty, I took the nearest exit and left the highway. Driving aimlessly served no purpose, not any longer at least. The disappointment at having discovered that I had been right after all—there was in fact something wrong with all chicks looking for love online—didn’t feel quite as heavy any longer. I had somehow gotten used to it, accepted the truth for what it was. Nina was crazy, exactly as I had initially suspected, and that was that.

  My stomach growled and it dawned on me that I hadn’t eaten since my late breakfast and now it was seven-thirty at night. I should grab a bite before heading back up to L.A. I filled up my tank, then drove into the parking lot of the first restaurant I found and parked there. Two minutes later, I was sitting at the bar inside the dark eating place, which contained few other patrons, and ordered a burger with fries from the bartender.

  While I waited for my food to come, I sipped on a Jack and soda. I truly needed this drink to calm my nerves, which were still more frazzled than I had thought when leaving the highway. I decided to call my uncle. It took me a few tries before Victor finally picked up.

  “Dylan! What are you up to?”

  “I’m sitting at some random bar by the highway down in San Diego waiting for my food to come.”

  “San Diego? What the hell are you doing down there?”

  “Not sure. I just felt like driving really fast and far and ended up here.”

  There was a pause. “Is everything all right?” Victor asked.

  “No.”

  “What’s going on?”

  How was I going to explain to Victor that Nina had tried to push me off a cliff thirty yards above ground? For some inexplicable reason, I didn’t want my uncle to think badly of Nina. I laughed then. What was wrong with me? The chick had almost killed me and here I sat, wanting to defend her?

  “Nina, the chick I met online, tried to kill me.”

  “What? She tried to kill you? Are you sure?”

  I snorted. “No, I just have a knack for telling bad jokes… Of course I’m sure. I was there and saw it happen! The chick’s fucking nuts.”

  “Exactly what did she do?”

  I told Victor everything from the second we started walking up the mountain, giving extra detail the closer to the top Nina and I got, in the story.

  “Damn,” Victor said. “And you’re saying the push came totally out of the blue?”

  “Yeah. And then she just took off, so there’s no question about it being intentional.”

  “I was just about to say that maybe it was an accident, but then she would have stayed and tried to save you.”

  “Yes, she would.” I sighed as I reminded myself of this once again.

  “Man, I don’t know what to say. She does sound a little nuts.”

  “A little? How about off her fucking rockers? Do you think it’s ever okay to try pushing someone off a cliff no matter what the person said or did?”

  “No, I can’t say that I do.”

  “Exactly. I think you’re gonna have to take me to Vegas next weekend and buy me a huge fucking dinner at the most expensive steakhouse in the city! I’ve won this fucking bet!”

  “Dylan.”

  “Yes?”

  “Are you going to be okay to drive home from down there? You sound very upset. Not that I blame you—you have every reason to be. I just want to make sure you don’t do anything crazy, drive off the road or something. Maybe you should spend the night at a hotel and drive back tomorrow.”

  I exhaled. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine. I’m driving back as soon as I’m done eating. I’ve only had one drink. I’ll be okay. Really. Besides, I wanna sleep in my own bed.”

  “All right. As long as you’re sure. I don’t mind paying for a car service to get you back up tonight if it’s that important to you and have someone come pick up your car. After all, I was the one who encouraged you to contact this broad again.”

  “Thanks for the offer, but, truly, I’ll be fine driving back on my own.”

  We exchanged a few more words and then hung up.

  Nina

  I spent the rest of the day in bed, underneath my sheets, just like I had longed to do when hiding between an SUV and an ultramodern beetle in the parking lot at the bottom of the Santa Monica Mountains, waiting for Nixon to appear.

  Now, almost eight at night, I crawled out from under my sheets and into my living room, plopping down on the couch there. I was glad this was one of those days when Lorna was gone. I was in no mood to explain why I was acting so strange. The terror that had kept me incapacitated for most of the day had faded and I could think more clearly now. The seriousness of what I had done to Dylan had begun to dawn on me.

  I had almost pushed him off the fucking cliff.

  I closed my eyes, shivering. Oh God, I could have killed the guy. I knew I hadn’t succeeded because an image of him standing at the cliff’s edge, looking back at me as I sprinted away from him, flashed through my mind. Still, the fact that I had pushed him like that at all was enough. What the hell was wrong with me? How could I have done such a thing, no matter how much he’d freaked me out? Was I going crazy? I must be. Only crazy people tried to push other people off mountains.

  I buried my face in my hands. Yes, something was seriously wrong with me. There was no other explanation to what I had done today. Tears filled my eyes. Oh God, what should I do? The sound of my phone ringing somewhere reached me. I removed my hands from my face and looked around. Where was my phone?

  I pricked up my ears, trying to determine where exactly the ringing was coming from.

  I suddenly remembered that I’d thrown off my fanny pack in the bathroom when I got home. My phone was in my fanny pack. I walked over to the bathroom and picked up the fanny pack from the cool tile floor there.

  Ricki was calling me.

  “Hello…” My voice was barely audible.

  “There you are finally!” Ricki said. “I’ve been calling you for hours. I was beginning to think something was wrong with your phone. I got a text from Nixon telling me to check in with you. It sounded like something bad had happened. Did it?”

  “Yes.”

  “With Dylan? Weren’t you guys supposed to go hiking?”

  “Yes. We did go hiking.”

  “Okay. And what happened? Did you freak out again or something?”

  “Yes. So much I almost pushed him off a freaking cliff.” As soon as I had said those words, I began to cry again.

  “Wait, what? You almost pushed him off a cliff?” Ricki paused. “Are you crying?”

  The tears were streaming down my cheeks, my throat so twisted I couldn’t get a word out.

  “Nina. Calm down. What do you mean you almost pushed him off a cliff? A high cliff? Is he okay? Please tell me he’s okay.”

  I took a couple deep breaths, managing to calm down enough to be able to get some words out. “Oh, God, I pushed him so hard…”

  “But he’s okay, right?” Ricki’s voice was grim.

  I took another deep breath. “Yes. Well, at least he didn’t fall off the cliff.”

  “Thank God for that.” I could hear Ricki inhaling. “Nina. Tell me from the beginning what happened. All of it.”

  Ten minutes later, Ricki had a reasonably firm grip on what had occurr
ed.

  “Wow,” she said. “So it was something about his face that freaked you out then? The way you described it, his features suddenly changing, it sounds like he was turning into a werewolf or something.”

  “Yeah, actually that wouldn’t be a bad way to describe it.” Dylan’s face up on the mountain flashed through my mind and that same feeling of suffocation filled me. I forced myself to calm down. “Yes, it was as though he was suddenly turning into a werewolf.”

  “Nina, you know werewolves don’t really exist, right?”

  I sighed. “I’m not so sure about that any longer.”

  “You should see a doctor. It sounds like you were having some kind of a hallucination. Maybe you’re getting sick. Something’s obviously not right with you. I mean, this is the second time this happened.”

  “Yeah…” I was probably going crazy.

  “Definitely see a doctor. What about Dylan? Are you gonna call him and tell him you’re sorry? Or maybe telling him in person would be better.”

  “In person? No. It’s better I just email. We shouldn’t see each other again.”

  “Really? Only because of this? But the two of you seem so good together! Now that I think about it, it’s probably just your brain playing tricks with you again, making you see and feel things that aren’t there to sabotage you because things are going so well.” She paused. “Which I guess is a form of a hallucination.”

  “I really don’t think that’s the case. It’s something else… Either way, it doesn’t matter. We’re clearly not meant for each other if I’m having these kinds of strong reactions to him.”

  “I don’t know. I still think it might be your brain resisting the happiness he could bring you. You just need to fight through it. Not let it control you. Maybe you should talk to him about your childhood. So he gets that this might be a matter of fear of intimacy.”