by Hannah Gray
That works perfectly. I get out of work at three, so I can go from work to the appointment.
“It does.” I answer more questions and give her my contact info before hanging up the phone and sitting on my bed.
Backing up to the headboard, I pull my legs up to my chest and set my head against my knees. And then I allow myself to do something I never do. I cry. For what seems like hours. The worst part of it is, I don’t even know how to stop the tears from falling.
I was so close to this dream of independence in New York City. But a baby? I’m not ready for that. Not at all.
The week passes at a very constipated snail’s pace. I’m not actually sure if snails get constipated or if they are slower when they are, but in my mind, they are already slow, so add constipation, and they just all-around suck. So, yes, I will compare my week to a constipated snail.
I viciously chew my nails as I sit in a waiting area at the obstetrics office with half a dozen other ladies. A few look like they are ready to pop. A few are glowing with smiles on their faces. I bet when they found out they were pregnant, they were probably ready for this journey to begin, unlike me. I’m sure even praying for it. A few others are teenage girls with their mothers. No doubt dragged here to be put on birth control.
“Anna Eubanks.” A petite, young nurse comes out and looks around the room.
Welp … that’s my cue. No going back now, I suppose.
My legs push me to stand, and I take a few uneasy steps to where she is waiting at a door. “That’s me.”
She gives me a kind smile. “Hello. Right this way.”
I follow her to a small nook area. “I just need to get your height and weight.”
Nodding, I step on the scale. Not even able to pay attention to the numbers flashing on the screen because of how dizzy I feel.
She jots down the numbers on her paper and instructs me to follow her to room 4.
Shutting the door behind her, she motions for me to sit on the exam table while she sits down in the computer chair and begins typing away. After asking me what seems like a thousand questions and taking my pulse and blood pressure, she tells me the midwife will be in momentarily.
I look around the room. The walls are painted a weird pink color, sort of like a vagina. I chuckle to myself. How fitting. With diagrams everywhere of a baby inside the womb and breast-feeding brochures, it hits me. This will be my new reality.
I have avoided Cameran all week. Simply sending her messages to pacify her and buy me some time. One reason I don’t want to tell her is, I don’t want her to worry or to try to pack up and come take care of me. But the other? I worry she’d reach out to Mason. And as bad as it sounds, if he can ignore the messages I left regarding our situation, then, I’ll be frank, fuck him. I’ve texted numerous times and gotten nothing back. I’m done trying. Cameran will work her magic and make him feel bad. Well, guess what. If this baby and I mean so little to him, I’m done.
A small-framed lady with short, curly brown hair and glasses walks in. “Hello! I’m Dianne. It’s nice to meet you. How are you feeling, being here for the first time, Anna?” She reaches out to shake my hand before taking a seat in her rolling chair.
I laugh nervously. “Well, if I’m being completely honest, it’s not my favorite experience yet, but give me a few months. It’ll get better?” I say, but it’s more of a question.
She tilts her head to the side and crosses her legs. “Was this … unplanned?”
“Oh yeah. You could certainly say that.” I avoid looking her in her eyes. They are far too kind compared to what I’m used to.
“Well, if it makes you feel better, I’ve had a lot of mothers come in, in this same situation. Then, you’ll never guess what happens. Motherhood ends up being the best thing they’ve ever experienced.” She clears her throat. “Do you have a partner?” Zero judgment is in her voice.
“The dad isn’t involved. It was sort of a one-night—well, one-weekend stand, I suppose. He’s been out of touch ever since.” I roll my eyes at my baby daddy’s actions.
“Sorry to hear that. But perhaps he will come around. And if he doesn’t? You’ll be fine. If this is something you don’t want to do though, you have options.” She watches me, as if trying to pick up some signal on how I’m feeling.
“I’ve thought about the options, and … well, they aren’t for me. I know it’ll be hard. And I can’t sit here and say I’m over the moon like I should be. Like the other moms who come in here daily. But I guess everything happens for a reason. Right?”
She smiles. “Exactly.”
After a bit longer of talking with her, she sends me to get an ultrasound. I’ve never felt more anxious in my life. I’m afraid that seeing it will make it real. But on the other hand, I’m scared something will be wrong with him or her, and they’ll tell me it’s not a viable fetus. That tells me one thing: I’m not a monster who wants to have a miscarriage. In fact, the thought of that makes me sick. Maybe I do love this little bean after all.
Being so new at this, I didn’t realize an ultrasound this early needs to, ya know, go up there. I just assumed it would be like I’d seen in movies and go over my belly. I didn’t know it was sort of like having a Pap smear.
I squirm as she moves the camera around to find the best visual of the little bean.
“There.” She smiles and points to the screen. “Right there. That’s your baby’s heart. Do you see the flicker?”
I look at the screen at the small spot flickering at what seems like a thousand beats a minute. Tears form in my eyes. “Hi, baby.”
It’s weird. I knew he/she was in there. But honestly, it just didn’t seem like it was real until seeing the little blip on the screen. It sort of looks like a gummy bear.
The technician takes a bunch more measurements and images. She tells me she’s looking at my uterus and my placenta and ovaries. Among lots of other stuff.
Sliding the camera out, she hands me a towel and smiles. “Good news, Mama. You’ve got a perfectly healthy baby in there.”
“Thank you. That makes me feel better. I came in here, scared to death, but somehow seeing he/she in there, well, it makes me a helluva lot less afraid.”
“Since you knew your last menstrual cycle, we will go by that for your due date. It usually is pretty spot-on.” She looks at the screen again. “You’re eight weeks and five days today. Making your due date February 5.”
“A winter baby.” I push myself to stand up and take the printed pictures from her hand. “Thank you again.”
“You’re so welcome, and good luck! I will walk you to the exit door.”
The entire walk to my Jeep, I look through the pictures. A baby. My baby. I wish I could call my mom and dad. I wish we had that type of relationship. But I know they’d write me further off than they already have, if that’s even possible.
I’d love to call my best friend too. But I’m not ready to tell her yet. I don’t know when I ever will be. It’s going to suck, but I’m going to have to ghost my best friend. If only for a little while … until I figure out a plan.
twenty-nine
Mason
Two Months Later
The boys and I make our way to the showers after practice. I’ve been here a few months now, and finally, it feels like home.
“Yo, King. You coming over tomorrow night to my house for the barbeque? It’s about to be as cold as my bed when your mama leaves it in the morning. We need to have some damn steaks on the grill,” Blaze Maddox one of my teammates, yells from his shower.
I shake my head. The mom jokes here annoyed me at first. Then, I realized most of them are dads, and they’ve got dad jokes.
“I never leave your mama’s bed long enough for it to cool off. In fact, I’ll need to check with her first to see if she’s all right with me leaving that long.”
He flicks me off.
I laugh and make my way over to my locker, throwing my clothes on. “Yes, Blaze, I’ll be there.”
Walk
ing behind me and slapping me on the back, he says, “Good man. The old lady has a lot of single friends she wants you to meet.”
I groan. For some reason, all of my teammates who are married or in serious relationships think I should be in a relationship too. The truth is, my dick has gotten no action since Red. Really, it hasn’t wanted any action.
“How many times I gotta tell you fuckers? The single life is where it’s at.”
Blaze, as if on cue, hauls his phone out. Pulling up pictures of his daughter, Mia. She’s about two years old, and she’s cute as hell. “No, brother. This is where it’s at.” He scrolls to a picture of his wife holding his daughter at the beach. His wife, Lauren, is in a very small bikini with her very large tits spilling out. “And seriously, how fucking hot is my wife?”
“Pretty fucking hot,” I think out loud as I ogle the picture.
He gives me a push, causing me to almost fall into my locker. “Get your own wife.”
I hold my hands up. “You shoved the phone in my face, showing me a picture of your wife in a bikini at the beach! What’s a man to do?”
He shakes his head and heads out the door. “Six o’clock tomorrow, King. Don’t be late.”
Maybe it won’t be so bad.
The gate opens, and I pass through it. Driving down Blaze’s fairly long driveway. The entire thing is lined with huge, beautiful trees. I’m sure this property cost a fortune. I should know. Mine sure did. And it’s just down the road. I’ve been here a few times to watch game tapes and for team dinners. He and his wife like to host.
Pulling in front of the house behind the other players’ cars, I throw my Sierra Denali into park and push the door open. All of the other players have Audi R8s, Porsches, Mercedes-Benzes, and every other high-end brand car. But what can I say? I’m a truck guy. Besides, this thing is sick. Blacked-out diesel, sitting up sky high. She’s my baby.
I ring the doorbell, and moments later, Blaze swings the door open. A big ol’ grin stretched across his melon head.
“Hell yeah, brother. You made it!” He slaps my back and lets me inside.
“I mean, I wasn’t going to come see your ugly ass, but you mentioned steaks.” I pat my stomach. “I’m a growing boy.”
He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, right. Trust me, buddy; when you see my wife’s friends, you’ll be glad you came.”
Oh yeah. Back to that again. For some reason, these guys can’t let a guy be single in peace. Luckily, a few others on the team are single. So, I know his wife will be playing matchmaker with them too.
Dinner is delicious. Their idea of a barbeque and mine are … well, they are different. By a mile. They have chefs preparing everything, and it’s all catered. There’s even a bar set up with any kind of liquor and beer I could ask for. I really do love this group of guys. And these get-togethers are always badass. But I do wish Trent and Lane could be here too. I miss the shit out of those fuckers.
I somehow manage to escape most of her single friends. I am polite to them when Lauren introduces us. But for whatever reason, I just can’t make myself interested. Eventually, they give up and move on to my teammates.
I make my way up to the bar when I notice a girl with long, dark hair is leaning against it, ordering herself a drink. I peer out of the corner of my eye at her. She reminds me of Red back when she was with Maverick before she changed her hair color to red. She’s built similar to her too. But when she turns toward me, her eyes are a breathtaking blue color, where Red’s are emerald green. This chick’s eyes are big and bright. Her skin is a creamy pale color that looks smooth to the touch, almost porcelain or some shit. I don’t realize how long I’m staring until she clears her throat.
“Um … is there something on my face or …” she questions, narrowing her eyes slightly, her cheeks turning a pink shade with embarrassment.
Fuck, this is awkward. I shake my head. “No, no. Sorry about that. You, uh … just reminded me of someone; that’s all.”
“Oh, good. You had a girl worried.” The blush in her cheeks deepens. Her dark green dress hugs every curve of her body.
I’ll admit, she’s a good-looking girl. She’s also one of the only girls I’ve really looked at since Red. Scratch that. She is the only girl I have looked at since Red. Or wanted to continue looking at.
I laugh. “Nope, your face looks good, darling. Real good. How do you know Lauren and Blaze?”
“Blaze is my brother. I’m staying with them for a while. Until I, ya know, figure my shit out or whatever you call it,” she says unapologetically.
I get that. Hell, I’m still figuring my shit out.
Realization hits me that this chick is off-limits. Blaze has mentioned his little sister before. He sounds pretty overprotective of her. I’m not trying to piss him off. I’m a big guy, but he could crush me like a fucking Coca-Cola can.
As if on cue, a very large, very strong hand grips my shoulder. He leans closer to my ear. “When I said find a girl tonight, I didn’t mean my sister.” He straightens back up, leaning away from me. “Stassi, I see you’ve met our new rookie, Mason.”
She nods and holds her hand out for me to shake.
I take it, slightly afraid her brother might body-slam me. “Not officially. Nice to meet you, Stassi.”
Her eyes never leave mine. “Likewise,” she answers coolly, and fuck if the way she says it doesn’t send a jolt right down to my dick.
Glad to see you’re still working down there, buddy. For a while there, I thought Red had broken you.
At the sound of Blaze’s throat clearing, I release her hand and take a step back. “Well, I’d better get going. Thanks for having me, brother.”
I need to get out of here before I hit on his sister and he throws me into his pool—or worse, into the fire. I fear if I stay, I’ll want to follow her around, flirting with her the entire night, until she agrees to come home with me. Besides, I’ll be honest, I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.
He looks a little skeptical of me. He narrows his eyes just a fraction, or maybe it’s in my head—hard to say. He tips his chin. “See you tomorrow, man. Thanks for coming.”
I say my good-byes to the teammates who haven’t already gone home and then thank Lauren for having me. I head out to my truck. I’m just about to pull my door open when a voice stops me.
“See ya later, king of the castle.”
I turn to see Stassi leaning against the side of the house. She smiles at me and tucks her phone into her purse.
“Better be careful, talking to me. Your brother might appear out of the woodwork. Shit, he’s probably hiding in one of the bushes around here,” I say with a smirk. Only half-joking.
Pushing off of the house, she saunters my way. Her hips swinging from side to side. She stops a foot in front of me. “My brother thinks I’m heading into the city to stay with friends for the night.”
Well, fuck me. On one hand, this is the sister of one of my best friends. She’s off-limits. But on the other hand, this is the first chick I’ve felt any attraction to since Anna.
Red ruined me for any future female endeavors. It’s been a while since my man has come out to play, and honestly, it’s time.
“Is that right? So, if he thinks you are going to be gone all night, whatever will you do for the next”—I pretend to check my watch—“ten hours?”
“That’s the thing. I really hate to go back inside after already telling everyone I’m leaving …” She gives me a mischievous grin.
I jerk my head toward my truck. “Get in, darling. I’m sure I can entertain you instead.”
“I mean … if you insist,” she says with a wink.
This chick’s demeanor and confidence even remind me of Anna’s.
Again, why the fuck am I thinking about Anna right now?
Pulling my mind back to the sexy woman in front of me, I walk around to the passenger side and open the door. She follows, climbing up into the seat.
I tell myself, I deserve to get back out there. Ann
a and I can’t work. I owe it to myself to get back on the saddle again.
thirty
Anna
“Ugh. Come on, little one. You’re only supposed to be the size of an orange, so why are you making Mommy’s jeans so tight?” I talk to the little bean while struggling to button my pants.
I need to get maternity clothes. In fact, that’s one thing on my list this week: maternity clothes. I’m ready to bite the bullet and buy them.
For real, how bad can they be?
It’s mid-September now, making me a little over nineteen weeks. Today, when I go into work, I am going to tell my two bosses. They are both extremely chill. I think they’ll understand. I hope they do anyway. I love my job. They let me do so many projects by myself. Finding a graphic design company to work with who fit my style seemed like a pipe dream. Until I met them. Jodi and Jill are two of the most badass women I’ve ever met in my life.
The realization that it’s halfway through September reminds me that my sister was getting married this month, and I wasn’t even invited. I’m that much of a disgrace and embarrassment that they didn’t even want me there, and that sucks. I expect it from my mom, but from Fern … I don’t know … I guess I just feel like we should have this unbreakable sister bond. I should have been her maid of honor, dealing with her being a bridezilla. Instead, I’m alone in New York City. Oh well, no sense in feeling bad for myself today. It isn’t like it’ll change anything.
Giving up on the jeans, I throw on a sweater dress with a pair of leggings. It’s a little chilly in New York today. Fall is surely going to make its grand appearance sooner rather than later. And honestly, I’m glad. I love fall. Besides, the maternity clothes for fall and winter are probably way cuter than the summer ones.
Locking the door behind me, I check the time. Just enough time to stop for a coffee. I was nervous to drink coffee after finding out I was carrying a tiny human inside of me, but the midwives promised a cup a day is perfectly fine. Which is good. Without it, I’m a freaking bitch.