by Hannah Gray
She cuts me off again, “Fuck you. I wasn’t snooping, you asshole.”
“Even if you were, I was going to tell you. I just hadn’t yet. I didn’t want to scare you away. I would never take her from you. You should know me better than that. But I do want us to be a family.”
Her face contorts to hurt. Though I’m unsure why.
Her voice breaks. “Yeah, but only because I’m her mom. You don’t love me. You’re trying to be the good guy.”
Ahh, there it is. Now, I get it. She feels like I’m only being nice to her because we are having a baby when, really, that isn’t it at all. Not by a long shot.
Cupping her cheeks with my hands, I force her to look at me. “Nope, not even close, Red. I want you to be there too. I want us to be a family. You are my family now. I don’t look in the future and just see the baby. I see you, Red. I fucking see you. Actually, you are all I’ve seen since that time last year that you stayed in my bed after that party. I was afraid if I touched you, if I felt you just one time, I’d never give you up. I made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t fuck up our friendship over sex. But it wasn’t just sex, Red; it’s everything about you. I want you. Fuck, I need you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.”
She crumples into me, her shoulders shaking while she cries. Scooping her up, I carry her upstairs to her apartment and take her right into her bedroom. Setting her down lightly, I waste no time in pulling her pajama bottoms off.
Leaning down, I hover my mouth over hers. “I want you. Okay, Anna? I. Want. You.” I wish I could say the word I want to. But I’ve never told anyone other than my mom that I love them. It’s hard for me to say.
She nods, tears flowing down her face. “I … I want you too.”
I know she does, and that means so much. Pulling her shirt over her head, I expose her swollen, perfect tits. Working one in my mouth, I reach between her legs and slip my fingers inside. As much as I want to make love to her and fuck her until the sun comes up, I don’t dare to with her being so pregnant. So, instead, I’ll do what I’ve thought about all fucking day—I’ll taste her.
As I kiss my way down her stomach, she lies back and grips my hair with her hands. Already panting and so fucking wet, all for me.
I reach my destination and slowly dip my tongue into her. She moans and grips my hair harder and grinds against my mouth.
I look up at her. “So sweet. And so mine. All. Fucking. Mine.”
“Mmm … yes.”
“Say it, Red.”
“I’m yours. All yours.”
I work her over with my tongue and dive in deeper until she’s screaming my name and rocking back and forth against my face. Her moans are the hottest thing I’ve ever heard as her orgasm hits her.
I climb in the bed next to her, running my fingers through her hair. “You know you’re the sexiest woman on the planet?”
She laughs. “Oh, right. It must be my smokin’ bod.” She signals to her belly.
I shrug. “Even with that giant watermelon, you’re still hot. Plus, it’s me who put that baby in there.”
She’s quiet for a minute as we lie there, staring at the ceiling.
I turn toward her. “You know I meant it, right?”
Her cheeks redden slightly, and she bites her lip. “Meant what?”
“I want it all. I want you, our daughter, all of it. Maybe even a family dog.”
Her lips press together. “And what if I don’t want to leave my apartment?”
I shrug. “Guess I’ll have to move here then.”
Her face grows serious. “You would do that? For me?”
God, this girl breaks my heart. It’s so clear that no one has ever fought for her, so she always thinks she isn’t enough.
I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Sweetheart, I’m learning I’d do pretty much anything when it comes to you.”
She leans forward and kisses me and then pulls away. Taking a deep breath, she says, “That means a lot. More than you could ever know. But I couldn’t let you do that. You’d have to commute farther. Your house is closer to the stadium.”
“So, are you saying you’ll move in with me?”
She gives me a small smile. “I suppose I am.”
I tilt my head, keeping my face as serious as I can. “It’s because of my skills with my tongue, isn’t it?”
She swats at me. “Shut up.” Then, quietly, she laughs. “But those certainly are a plus.”
fifty
Anna
“Are you sure it’s okay? I feel so, so bad,” Cameran says, worry etching over her face during our FaceTime call.
“I promise, it’s fine. Besides I, uh … I think I’m spending Christmas with Mason. His mom’s coming for the day too.” I wait for her over-the-top, excited response.
A grin spreads from ear to ear, showing off her perfect teeth. “Are you serious?! That is amazing, Ann. Wow! Holy Moses, when did all this happen?” She squints into the phone. “And where the heck are you?”
I feel awful. We haven’t talked much these past few weeks. First, I was trying to finish up projects for work, and she had her teaching schedule. Plus, the past week, I’ve been getting settled into Mason’s house. It all happened so fast with me moving in after he asked, but time is flying through this pregnancy, so I’ll admit, I’m sort of in an act now, figure it out later state of mind. Besides, I really do think this is what is best for all of us.
I kept my lease until the spring though. Just in case anything goes wrong or Mason decides this isn’t what he wants. I didn’t want to try to find a new rental with a newborn baby. Part of me feels like I’m being reckless and irresponsible. The other part feels like I’m taking a giant leap of faith and following my heart in order to give this sweet baby the best life.
“Well, it’s a long story,” I admit. “One I’d love to fill you in on when you come out here next time.”
“All right … but that doesn’t answer my question. Where are you?”
My face heats up. “Mason’s. I, er … sort of moved in.”
“Sort of moved in? How does one sort of move in? You bitch! You’ve been keeping secrets from me!”
“I swear I didn’t do it on purpose. It’s just been a whirlwind of a time; that’s all. Anyway, I’m bummed you aren’t coming out for Christmas, but we will get together soon. I promise.”
She nods. “I feel better, knowing you won’t be alone. Alivia’s doing good now, but I’d feel awful, leaving her alone, you know?”
Alivia is a friend of hers, who Cameran met through teaching; she teaches second grade. I haven’t gotten a chance to meet her yet, but she seems sweet. Cameran’s picky about who she lets into her life, so if she allowed Alivia in, she must be one of the good ones.
“I’m glad that she’s doing well. Does this happen a lot?”
A concerned look crosses her face. “I guess once every few years. She has an autoimmune disease, and it makes her so sick that she ends up in the hospital. I feel bad, leaving her because her parents are on a cruise for eight days with no cell service. And she knows they’d worry, and it would ruin their trip anyway. I guess it took her months just to talk them into going somewhere to begin with because they were afraid this would happen.”
“Don’t you think about it, love.” I look at the screen and realize how much I miss my best friend.
Suddenly, I feel Mason looming behind me.
“Cameran fuckin’ Steele, is that you?” He whistles.
She grins. “The one and only. You’d better be good to my girl. She’s a little pregnant, and she needs to be taken care of.”
He pretends to talk in a hushed voice as he holds his hand over his mouth, “I don’t think you’ve seen her in a while, Cam. She’s much more than a little pregnant. She’s waddling around like a goddamn duck.”
I smack the back of his head.
“Hey! You’re the cutest duck I’ve ever seen!” He rubs the spot I assaulted. “Goddamn it, woman! You need to stop hi
tting me. I’m calling it spousal abuse!”
“You’re lucky I didn’t cut your dick off for calling me fat, asshole.”
He leans down and presses a kiss to my forehead. “You are not fat. You’re beautiful. And really, really pregnant.” Before I can hit him again, he runs toward the door. “Headed to practice. Nice seeing ya, Cam! Be home later, Red!” He slams the door behind him.
“So, that happened fast.” Cameran’s mouth hangs open.
I twist my hair around my finger. “Whatever. Don’t make it a big deal.”
“It is a big deal! Did you tell him you love him yet?”
“Ugh … you’re annoying. No, I haven’t. Who says I do?” I know damn well I always have and never stopped.
“Um … you have loved him for a long time now, Anna. Anyway, I need to go. The UPS man is delivering a package.”
I wiggle my eyebrows. “A package, huh? Is this UPS man giving you a big package?”
She scrunches her face up. “Ew, you’re gross. He’s, like, sixty years old. I’m hanging up now. Good-bye. Love you.”
Before I can answer, the screen goes blank. Something about FaceTiming with my best friend always makes my heart feel fuller.
I glance at the huge, bare tree in front of me in the living room. We are going to decorate it tonight when Mase gets home from practice. It’s December 23, and I’ll be thirty-four weeks pregnant on Christmas Day, so it’s getting closer to the time to meet our little angel baby.
For some reason, I’ve thought about my parents and sister all day. I wonder what they are doing. I wonder if they ever think about me or are curious how I am. I haven’t spoken to them since I graduated NEU, and while I don’t feel like anything with them has changed, there’s still a part of me that longs for my parents’ love. It sounds pathetic, I know. But sometimes, I just wish I could have that concrete feeling that Mason has from his mom. You know, the feeling that you are loved. You are worthy. You are important. But I need to not dwell on the things I can’t change. I have a man who loves me, and we are starting a family together. That is what’s important.
Mason
Anna and I decorate the tree together. Well, she decorates the tree, and I watch her. I tried to hang a few ornaments, but she ended up moving them. Who knew decorating a tree wasn’t just putting ornaments in random places? We’re laughing, making jokes, possibly making a few jokes at each other—all in good fun, of course—and it’s perfect. The only thing that could make it better is if our daughter were here. Soon though, she will be.
But no matter how great it is, I can tell something’s weighing heavy on Anna today. I just wish I could help her with whatever she’s struggling with. I want to ask her, but I don’t want to spoil the moment either. Plus, I know she isn’t a fan of expressing that she’s upset or dissecting feelings. She’s a lot like a dude that way. Touchy-feely shit is not her thing. While I sometimes find it cool, other times, it’s hard because I can’t help if I have no idea what’s going on. I know it’s likely got something to do with her family though.
“I picked something up for you.” I grab the box off the counter and hand it to her.
She eyes me cautiously before opening it up. Her face lights up, and she walks over, wrapping her arms around me. “I love it. This is so sweet of you.”
She looks down at the ornament I had made on my way home. It has two big snowmen with a little one in the middle with the names Mama, Daddy, and Baby. We haven’t really discussed names. She said she wants to see the baby before committing to a name. I agreed that I liked the idea of that.
I tilt her chin up and press my lips to hers. “I’m glad you like it. Thanks for already making this Christmas so special.” Sweet vanilla fills my nose and makes me want to carry her to my bed right now. Or our bed, I should say.
She holds on to me tightly, and I can tell that she doesn’t want to let me go. We stand in the middle of the living room, and I continue to hold on to her.
“If you ever need to talk to me about anything bothering you, you know you always can.”
I see her head nod, but she doesn’t say anything. I feel her frame shake gently against me, and I know she’s crying. Pulling my head back, I kiss her forehead. “Talk to me, sweetheart. Please. It’s what I’m here for. What’s going on?”
She wipes her eyes with her sleeve and tries to laugh, but I can tell it’s fake. “Look at me, all hormonal and shit. I’m sure it’ll pass.”
“You don’t have to do that, Anna. You’re the strongest person that I know. It’s okay to be upset about something. I just hope it’s nothing I did.”
She shakes her head and is quiet for a minute before letting out a long, shaky breath. “You’ve been amazing. It’s not that at all. It’s just … ugh, it sounds so stupid to say.” She pauses, looking down at the ground, clearly embarrassed to say how she feels.
I know she hates feeling vulnerable. But I wish she’d let me in, so I can help her through whatever she’s struggling with.
“I’ve just been thinking of my parents and sister a lot today for some reason. Usually, I’d be home in Maine. And although I’m much happier here, I can’t help but wonder if”—her cheeks turn crimson red—“they miss me or even notice I’m not there. Gosh, I know I sound so pathetic.”
Her words rip my fucking heart out.
Don’t get me wrong; I know what it’s like to have a dad who didn’t choose me, but my mom is a goddamn saint. She really is. And even my dad tries. He tries more than I give him credit for. But I’m still resentful that he left my mother pregnant to be with his bitch wife and whiny-ass son, so naturally, I retaliate by being a prick to him.
But Anna? No one is in her corner. Her parents cut her off like she was a piece of fat on a steak. All because she didn’t want the same lifestyle that they do. Or because she didn’t want to spend her life chasing money. The whole seven and a half months before I came back into her life, she was one hundred percent alone. Abandoned and left to fend for herself. My girl is a fucking warrior. And I’ll spend my life showing her how incredible she is.
“You know, if you want me to take you to Maine, I can. I can stay in the truck, or I can come in. I don’t mind.” I would take her in a heartbeat—if she wanted to go, that is.
She wipes the stream of tears from her cheeks. Her nose all red and shiny from crying. “I’m sure we’d get there, and they’d ask me to leave. It’s okay, but thanks. It means a lot that you offered.” She goes back to fiddling with the ornaments, tactfully placing each one. She’s in some maternity Christmas pajamas, and she looks so goddamn cute.
Why would her parents not want to be in her life? She’s fucking incredible.
Pulling her back against my chest, I rest my chin on the top of her head. “If you decide you want to go, we can go. It might give you … closure at the very least.”
I really can’t talk. I mean, fuck, I do everything I can to avoid my old man. But I make sure to check in occasionally. And while I don’t think it should be her responsibility to track down her own parents, I think it might help her get her head on straight before the baby gets here. That fire in her eyes has been out for a few days now. And I know it’s all because of them. I want to fix her. I want her to be back to her normal self. Maybe that makes me a selfish prick.
“Eh, maybe. It’s an eight-hour car ride. My ribs ache after sitting for twenty minutes, so not sure how that would work.”
I can tell a part of her is considering it. But she’s right about one thing: I’ve seen her squirming around and rubbing her ribs after sitting at a dinner table to eat, so a long-ass car ride would kill her.
Without hesitation, I say, “I’ll charter a private jet. It would only take an hour and a half to get there. You can lie down and be comfortable. Only if you want to though.” I don’t want to make her feel like I’m being too pushy.
She turns toward me, raw, uncovered emotions washing over every cell in her face. Her lips quiver. “Would that make me crazy? To fly to s
ee family who hates me?”
I sit in the recliner and pull her down so that she’s straddling me, her belly pushing against me. Shaking my head, I say, “It wouldn’t make you crazy. It makes you the bigger person. It makes you stronger than they are. It’s easy to give up on someone. Trying is where real strength comes in.”
She presses her mouth to mine, and she tastes like the fruity Life Savers she was eating a bit ago. She pulls back, brushing her hand over my hair. “Thanks. It means a lot. All of this does.”
I smile and nod at her. “You’re welcome, Red. You know, you look a lot sexier without that big, giant boot on.”
Her ankle healed enough to take it off. She was just as sexy with it on, but it is nice to see her able to get around better, though she still favors that ankle and likely will for quite some time.
She pokes her lip out. “You thought my boot was ugly? Now that it’s gone, does that mean you’ll actually have sex with me?”
I am so happy that her ankle is doing better now. But the boot wasn’t what was keeping us from getting naked and rolling around.
“Er … no, probably not yet.” I was afraid this would come up.
Her eyes widen, and her cheeks turn a deep, dark shade of red. “Why the hell not?”
I groan. The last thing I want is for her to think I’m not attracted to her. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. “It’s just that … well, you’re … you know.” I wave my hand toward her stomach. “It’s weird.”
“Because I’m fat? I’m pregnant, you asshole. Sorry I’m not as sexy as some of the Victoria’s Secret models I’ve seen you with in the tabloids, but I’m literally cooking a baby here! Your baby.”
She wiggles to get up, but I hold her tight against me.
Time for damage control before Hurricane Red rips through the house. “No, no, no, no. It isn’t like that, I swear. I’m very attracted to you. Not in a you’re pregnant way because that would be creepy. I just still think you’re sexy as hell. It’s just … I feel like I’m going to hurt the baby. Ya know, if we did it and I was up in your area …”