by L. R. Olson
I’m mortified. Absolutely mortified. I jump to my knees, desperately grabbing for him. “Please.”
He steps back, just out of reach. Bastard. “How can I help you if I don’t know your plans?”
I stumble off the bed, tripping on the cover. With a growl, I kick the duvet out of the way. I still have a chance to catch him before I’m embarrassed beyond recovery. So much for living a few more years. This will put me into an early grave. “Christian, seriously.”
His towel slides lower, momentarily occupying my attention. Warmth spreads through my veins and I stumble to a halt. He probably did it on purpose. I shake my head, pushing my lust-filled thoughts aside, and shove out my hand, glaring at him.
“Really, why are you so upset? This is pretty boring. We need to work on your list.”
I jump after him, but he evades my grasp by stepping around the bed. Damn his long legs. I’m seriously thinking of tearing my t-shirt over my head to see if that will stun him long enough for me to grab the paper. “Christian, I’m warning you…”
“Wait…what’s this one? Find a Scandinavian Hottie.”
We both pause in surprise. Shit. Shit. Shit. I can’t move. I’m done. It’s over. The humiliation will kill me. Please, God, let it kill me. Faint. Panic attack, anything. But no, my body remains blissfully healthy at the moment.
A slow grin spreads across his face. “Check.”
That crooked smile melts my frozen state. I’m not sure whether to be irritated or amused. Damn him for sneaking into my heart. Why does he have to be so charming? So sweet? So fun? “Christian, give me that list now!”
I leap toward him, but he lifts the paper higher than my reach and I end up falling into his hard chest. His free arm wraps around my waist, keeping me locked to his body. “Lose my virginity.”
He lowers his shocked gaze to me. I bury my face against his chest. Dear God. Kill me now. Please, I don’t need another two years, just take me now. You owe me, Universe!
When he doesn’t move, doesn’t say a word, slowly, I peek up at him through my lashes. I can read nothing on his face. My hands curl against his chest. When he remains silent, I worry he’s angry. Feels used.
Swallowing hard, I take a tentative step back. “Christian, I’m…”
He throws his head back and laughs. Loud. I punch his shoulder as he doubles over. While he continues to laugh, I dive under the covers in shame. “Go away! Go on your stupid hike and leave me alone.”
He grabs my ankles and pulls me out. I refuse to turn over and look at him. “Go away.”
He grips my waist and flips me over like I weigh nothing. Although there’s still mirth in his gaze, he’s grown somewhat serious. “Why a bucket list?”
He’s placed the list back into my bag, but it doesn’t matter. It’s too late. I sigh and throw my arm over my eyes. What do I say? Oh, you know, because I’m dying. Did I mention that? Do I tell him? Is this the perfect opportunity, fates aligning and all that? He grasps my arm and gently pulls it from my eyes. He’s waiting for an answer. He deserves an answer.
I finally meet his gaze. “I guess…when my dad died, I realized how much he missed in life.”
What can I say, I’m a coward. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me onto his lap. Damn, he’s good at comforting. He tucks my hair behind my ear, so he can see me. The look in his eyes is full of a warmth and empathy I feel deep, deep in my soul.
“But you’re just twenty.”
I give him a tight smile. Perhaps he knows I’m lying. Or at least suspects. “You never know when someone will die.”
God, I’m being dreary and depressing. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. If talking about my father’s death has soured the mood this much, imagine if he knew the truth about me. His face grows completely serious. He studies me for a few moments, and I’m left to wonder what he’s thinking. What he sees when he looks into my eyes?
Finally, he gives a curt nod. “Alright. Let’s do your bucket list. But we’re going to have to make some changes.”
I frown. “What does that mean?”
There’s a sudden knock on the door. “Christian, you ready?”
It’s Max, sounding impatient. Damn him.
“Yeah, I’ll be down in a minute.” He cups the sides of my face and kisses me. It’s a soft kiss, a gentle kiss that touches places deep within. I know if I wrap my arms around him, I could talk him into staying. But it’s getting late and I need to visit the clinic or my mom will do as she threatens, and fly here to make sure I get my blood drawn. “I mean, you need some more exciting things to look forward to on this trip.”
I’m not sure what he’s planning and I don’t like the idea of him changing my bucket list. We’re growing closer every day we spend together. Soon, I’ll have no secrets left. I push gently against his chest. My bucket list was the one thing in my life I could control. “Go on.”
He kisses me again, a quick kiss, and then he’s on his feet, heading to his dresser. While he tugs on some shorts, I grab my pajama bottoms. He’s quiet…too quiet. It’s worrisome. When he faces me I notice the crease between his brows. He’s planning something. “Let’s go out tonight. There’s a club not far from here.”
Is this part of his plan to improve upon my bucket list? I nod, unabashedly dropping my gaze to his six-pack as he pulls a t-shirt over his head. One glance at his muscled body and my common sense disappears. A look from him, and I turn to melted wax. Will agree to anything. “Alright. Sure.”
The shirt covers his stomach and his gaze is on me again. He hesitates, as if he wants to say more, maybe suspects I’m not telling him everything. But then he leans down and presses a quick kiss to my lips. “See you soon.”
Just like that he’s gone. The door closes behind him. I’m alone. Finally. For the first time in days. I look around the room, and try to soak up the essence of this memory, this moment. Cling to the feelings that have been stirred deep within. Feelings I didn’t even realize I was capable of experiencing. But the silence seems…heavy. Suffocating. Strange.
I grab a sweatshirt and pull it over my head. I don’t want to be alone. I head downstairs, desperate for caffeine, hoping it will lighten my mood. But even more desperate for companionship.
“Morning!” Audrey calls out, meeting me at the bottom of the steps, coffee in hand, as if she’s been waiting for me.
I have a feeling she’s the kind of person who doesn’t want to be alone either. She loves people, and people love her. Or maybe, just maybe, she realizes this is the perfect opportunity to give me the fifth degree. Audrey’s been nothing but kind, but I see the suspicion in her gaze. She thinks Christian and I are moving too fast. I don’t blame her.
Smiling, I take the mug, wrapping my fingers around the warm porcelain. “Thank you. You’re an angel.”
She grins and we head into the living room, which is full of sunshine thanks to the French doors. “Want to go shopping? I only have to work a couple hours this morning, then I’m free.”
“Sure.” Crap. She settles on the couch and I try to avoid her gaze by drifting to the piano. It feels so strange to be here without Christian. Like I’ve lost something important. A very piece of myself. “But I have to go somewhere first. If you don’t mind.”
“Oh, okay.”
I trail my fingers over the keys, a soft tinkling sound whispering through the air, and try to imagine Christian here, playing. I wish I knew how to play an instrument. With a sigh, I look out the windows. Just outside those French doors is the chair where Christian sat, where he pulled me onto his lap and kissed me so thoroughly, touched me so deeply just last night.
“I can meet you back here in a couple hours?”
“Yeah.” She sips her coffee, watching me over the rim. Suspicious. She’s always so suspicious. “Sounds great.”
I know she has questions, but I’m not about to answer them. I like her, and I realize she’s only worried about Christian, but I don’t owe her anything. “Does he play mu
ch? Any good?”
She hesitates and sips her coffee again. Maybe she feels as if she’s divulging too much. Breaking his trust. Which makes me wonder…what hasn’t he told me? “No. Not since the accident.”
“Accident?”
There’s a slight pause. She bites her lower lip, as if in indecision, then brushes back her dark pixie cut. “His sister.”
Startled, I head to the couch. “What? No,” I shake my head. “I mean Christian, not Max.”
She nods, looking as confused as I feel. “I meant Christian.”
“But he told me he didn’t have any siblings…” My gaze drifts to the picture of the brunette on the shelf. The only photograph in this room. She looks like him, I realize with a start. Christian has a sister? No. Had. “She died?”
“Same car crash as Max’s sister.” She tucks her knees to her chest, resting back into the corner of the couch. I can tell she’s judging, wondering why Christian hasn’t told me. “I think that’s why they’re so close. They were always friends, but this…this truly bonded them together. Something in common, you know?”
I’m wondering why he hasn’t told me too. I set my cup on the small side table and head to the photograph. My heart is hammering so hard I fear I might pass out. Christian had a sister. I pause in front of the photograph of the brunette beauty with the sweet smile. He had a sister. I pick up the photograph. They looked happy, close. Why hasn’t he told me about her? Then again, I haven’t told him everything either.
“From what Max says Christian was different before the accident.”
I replace the photograph and turn toward her, too curious for my own good. That sadness I see in Christian’s eyes from time to time now makes sense. He lost his sister. He understands life, death, a little too well. “How so?”
She sips her coffee. “Arrogant. A jerk. Exactly what you’d expect from a rich, gorgeous guy.”
Shocked, I settle back onto the couch. Christian was a jerk at one time? I can’t believe it. Yet…look at his father. I shiver, despite the fact that it’s not my business. Despite the fact that in four days it won’t matter because I’ll be in Sweden.
“He was seventeen when it happened. His sister was fifteen.” She shakes her head, her gaze on the windows overlooking the back garden. “According to Max, it tore their family apart. He was a mess for a year. Then he came out of it changed.” She sighs and takes a sip of her coffee. “I don’t know if he could handle something else that drastic.”
My body grows as cold as the glaciers in Norway. I study her features, trying to read her mind. Was her comment a warning? Does she know about my illness? Has she guessed? But no, she’s merely staring out the window, watching the birds in the backyard, lost in thought.
“He’s…wonderful,” I admit. “It’s hard to imagine him…not wonderful.”
She smiles. “He is.” With a sigh, she stands and heads toward the kitchen, leaving me to wonder if maybe even she is a little bit in love with him. “And we are so glad he’s dating you and not that wretched Kirstin.”
“Oh, we’re not…” But she’s turned on the sink faucet and can’t hear me. “We’re not dating.”
Are we? I tuck my feet under my legs and glance over my shoulder at his sister’s photo. I don’t want to hurt him. Will I? Will it hurt him if he finds out about my illness? If he knows I’m going to die? I close my eyes and rest my head back against the couch. Just thinking about the pain he’s endured makes my chest ache. In four days I’m leaving. I’ve known him less than three weeks. It shouldn’t matter…it does.
A sudden knock on the door interrupts my thoughts.
“Can you get that?” Audrey calls out.
I set my mug on the coffee table and unfold my legs, standing. In just the few days I’ve been here, I’ve become a part of this household. I cook with them. Share meals. Sleep in Christian’s bed. I like it. I like being part of a couple, having couple friends. But I can’t help but feel as if I’m just playing house. Pretending.
I open the door. A woman stands on the front stoop, her back to me. Her long, black hair shines almost blue in the sunlight. Another one of Christian’s friends?
“Can I help…”
She spins around, a huge grin on her face.
“Heidi!” I race down the steps in my pajamas, heedless to the tourists. “You’re here!”
“Live and in person!” She hugs me tight, her body warm and comforting. “And a day early. This place is so freaking charming, it’s ridiculous.”
I feel the sudden sting of tears and realize how much I’ve missed her, missed my silly, ridiculous family. When I pull back, I’m clinging to her hand, afraid if I let go, she’ll disappear. “I’m so glad to see you.”
Although Audrey and Max have done nothing but make me feel welcome, it’s such a relief to have someone on my side. I wave her in. “Come on. The inside is just as good.”
She smiles, grabbing the strap of her backpack, and follows me inside. “I can’t believe we get to stay here free of charge.”
I take her pack as she enters the house. Her wide-eyed gaze scans everything. Seeing the stunned look upon her face makes me laugh. “Audrey, this is my cousin, Heidi Chin.”
“Nice to meet you!” Audrey calls out merrily, as she dries her hands on a towel in the kitchen. “Hope has told us all about you.”
Heidi grins. “Nice to meet you too, and thank you for allowing us to stay here.”
“You’ll have to thank Christian for that,” Audrey says, heading toward the stairs and her bedroom. “Although we are thrilled to have you here too.”
Heidi’s brows lift. “Ah yes, the Scandinavian Hottie your sister text’d about.”
Audrey laughs. “I have to get ready for work. See you both later!”
Heidi waits until Audrey disappears up the steps, then turns to me. “Well?”
I sigh. “Well…it all started by the bathrooms…”
****
I’m dancing at a club with Heidi, spinning in circles, my arms in the air. I’m not even sure what the hell I’m doing, but I don’t care. I haven’t had this much energy in days. It’s a frantic feeling. As if my skin is too tight for my body. Dancing, right here, right now, is the only thing keeping me from exploding.
Dancing helps me avoid my feelings. Helps alleviate energy that I haven’t experienced in years, energy that I don’t know what to do with. Helps me think of something other than Christian. Even as Heidi grabs my hand and twirls me around like we used to do as children, I can feel his gaze on me. I’d been subdued when he’d returned from his hike, and he’d noticed. But we hadn’t had time to talk, thank god. I don’t want to talk. Talking leads to sharing feelings. And I’m not supposed to have feelings for him.
Yet, despite my determination to rebuild that emotional wall, to slowly pull away from Christian these next few days, my gaze keeps wandering toward his side of the room. With each spin, I seek him out. One spin, I see him laughing. In the next, he’s downing a shot with Max. The next turn, his gaze is on me. It always comes back to me.
“I’m having so much fun!” Heidi yells over the music, her face coming in and out of focus as the lights in the club flash. “Your friends are great. Christian is…well, fucking hot. He puts my French fling to shame. You know he was actually married? Married!”
So typical of Heidi to fall for a married guy and not realize until it’s too late. “It’s okay, because what happens in Europe, stays in Europe. As long as you didn’t post it on social media.”
She cringes and I laugh. So much for her parents not finding out about her fling. For a brief moment I close my eyes. I’m getting used to techno music now, and dare I say I’m actually starting to enjoy it? It pulses against me, vibrating through my body and giving life to my cells.
I can’t help it, and when my eyes open, I immediately seek out Christian. He’s standing near a table, a beer bottle in hand. He’s no longer speaking to Max, but a tall blonde…who looks vaguely familiar. I freeze on the
dance floor as others jump around me, bumping into my prone body. My veins go ice-cold. Shit. Kirstin is here. You’ve got to be kidding me. From the drawn look upon her gorgeous face, it seems as if she’s talking to him about something serious. My good mood sours.
Audrey is smiling, headed our way. It’s not a big club, but it’s clean and does the job, and that job is to get me out of my funk. And I was…until Kirstin arrived. Seriously, what the hell is she doing here? Did he invite her? Just like that, the dam breaks and all the feelings I’ve been trying to ignore rush through me. Jealousy, fear, anger, affection.
Heidi takes my hand and spins me. Surprised and off balance, I teeter, falling into a hard chest. I glance up. The man is tall, sandy-haired, cute, but he’s not Christian. His hair is slicked back, his muscles a little too big. His gaze a little too heated. I smile apologetically. “Sorry.”
The overwhelming scent of his cologne is making my stomach churn. I press my palms to his muscled chest, attempting to push away, but his large hands suddenly grip my upper arms. He says something in French. His friends who stand behind him laugh. My annoyance flares. I wait for him to release me, but he doesn’t. I try to step back, he steps with me.
“Sorry,” I say in English. “But I’m here with someone.”
At least I think I am…unless Kirstin managed to pull Christian away. A moment of fear shoots through me. What if Christian left? The strange man doesn’t let go, and in fact pulls me closer. Maybe he doesn’t understand English, but he sure as hell understands when a woman is sending a big ole no vibe. Jerk.
“Let her go,” Heidi demands.
He laughs, as if she’s an annoying little gnat. So, he does understand English. He’s just playing dumb, or maybe he doesn’t care. Angry, I wiggle against him. Had I actually thought he was cute? “Let go!”
Suddenly, Audrey is there, shouting something in French like a pint-sized, furious poodle attacking a pit bull. He shrugs, saying something dismissive back. I can’t follow, but it doesn’t look like he’s going to let me go anytime soon. What the hell is his problem?